When Hari Met His Saali (23 page)

‘Now?’ asked the elderly wife.

‘Yes now, of course now, we have a show going on here woman. Now, since he is so happy he can’t hear you, make him do something he usually doesn’t do and make him miserable.’

‘Will he remember it afterwards?’ she asked.

The audience laughed.

‘He won’t remember exactly what he did but he will remember he did something,’ Xavier explained.

‘He should dance. When he was younger, he used to dance a lot,’ the wife replied.

‘Maybe he should do a crazy dance?’ Xavier said. She nodded.

Xavier removed the headphones from the elderly man’s head.

‘Sir, look at my finger,’ he said, and started moving his finger as if he was giving him an eye exam.

‘Now, now … four … three … two … one …
Galimonto!
’ Xavier said and snapped his fingers.

The old man shook his head and went into a daze. He was under Xavier’s spell.

‘Sir, please do a crazy dance,’ Xavier asked him politely while walking away from him. He also moved elderly wife to clear out the dance area.

The elderly man started shaking a leg and really getting in the groove. The whole room erupted in applause. This was like watching
America’s Favorite Home Videos
where people fall painfully but the audience enjoys it because it is another person’s misery.

The elderly man was really dancing energetically and without any apprehensions. Even his wife was amazed.

‘
Bas
, OK, OK, he’ll have a heart attack!’ the elderly wife pleaded.

‘Will that be a bad thing I ask you as his wife?’ Xavier pretended like he was not going to release the man from his spell.

‘Please. Stop him!’ she pleaded again.

Xavier went to the man and snapped his fingers and said the release word.

‘Orramus.’

The elderly man instantly came out of the spell and was looking around confused as to why everyone was laughing at him. And why he was suddenly huffing and puffing.

As the lady took her husband back to their table, Xavier warned ‘Ma’am, do not try this at home. The release word is different each time. You will get tired of him dancing around here and I’ll be in India by that time, unable to help you!’

Everyone was having fun and enjoying the show. After the clapping had subsided, the lights were dimmed and only a bright spotlight illuminated Xavier as he called out to Tia.

‘Now, for the last and final act, I call the center of everyone’s attention, Tia and Hari, to the dais!’

Tia had been waiting for this moment. The spotlight shifted onto her. She got up and elegantly walked up to Xavier. Everyone clapped.

Hari wiped his mouth with a napkin, which didn’t help his already bloodshot eyes, and walked to the dais while dancing to the music. He was all for fun and games and this was right up his street.

‘Hello, Tia,’ Xavier said. ‘We know that you are getting engaged today to Hari, the man of your life. Now, I want to ask you one question and I expect the answer to be totally honest.’

Tia nodded. This was NOT rehearsed nor was Tia aware of what was going to happen next. Xavier put the large headphones onto Hari’s head. He could smell the liquor on Hari’s breath.

‘You, Sir, stay here.’

Now the only light in the banquet hall was the spotlight on the dais. Xavier took Tia a little away from Hari.

‘I am seventy-two years old, Tia,’ he announced. ‘I was married as well, to a beautiful woman who has since passed away, but the only reason I am still alive is because I am still trying to become the man she wanted me to be. I am an unfinished man, Tia,’ Xavier said earnestly into the microphone.

Some people laughed, but others were more excited to see what he would do with Tia.

‘So I know that a woman is never completely satisfied with the man she is
marrying. Sure, she may love him, but he is still a work in progress. He is still not quite as she wants him to be, right?’

Hari, unable to hear anything, was giving the thumbs up to the audience and winking at them although the audience was in complete darkness and he couldn’t see anyone.

‘Umm … I guess,’ Tia replied into her microphone. She was grinning from ear to ear and relishing the spotlight she was in, literally and figuratively.

‘So, is there something in Hari that you wish to be changed or brought upon?’ Xavier asked her.

She was a little embarrassed, what with all the guests in the room.

‘Umm … no, he is perfect!’

‘Oh don’t be coy now. If his parents were not here, I am sure you would have a long list,’ Xavier said cajoling her a bit.

Seeing that she was not forthcoming, Xavier asked for the audience’s support.

‘What do you say people? She should have something she wishes to change in him, right?’

‘Yes!’ the audience shouted collectively.

‘You know I can make him do as I want … as you want, right?’ Xavier said, turning to Tia. ‘You just saw a crazy dance, you want Hari to do a few moves too?’ to which Tia shook her head.

‘Tell him, Tia’ the audience shouted. ‘This is your chance, do it!’ ‘Change the man!’

Hari, unawares and a little drunk, was cluelessly cheering her as well.

Tia was getting egged on and finally thought of something to say.

‘OK, it’s not so much to change him, but I wish … I wish he was a little more romantic, a little more thoughtful in his ways towards me. I mean, I know he loves me, but it would be nice if he demonstrated that with thought, words and actions. He never brings flowers, or plans romantic evenings, dinners or says sweet things to me. It would be nice …’

Seeing that Tia would probably go on and on, and he had a show to finish, Xavier interrupted her.

‘OK, we get the idea. I shall do the needful, madam. Now please go and take your seat.’

Tia headed back to her seat and sat down next to Simi.

Xavier removed Hari’s headphones.

‘And you Sir, Mr. Hari, do you have the engagement ring with you?’

Hari took out the ring box from his pocket. Xavier took the ring out of the box and put the empty box back in Hari’s pocket.

‘You cheap bastard, this is a fake diamond!’ Xavier said mockingly. The audience laughed.

‘Hold this,’ Xavier said, giving the ring to Hari. He was swaying a little now.

Xavier steadied him.

‘Don’t worry, most people prefer being drunk when they don’t know what they’re getting into, like marriage,’ he joked.

The audience laughed, Hari also laughed.

‘Now, look here … four … three … two … one …
Galimonto!
’ Xavier snapped his fingers and Hari went into a daze. He was now hypnotized and under Xavier’s spell.

Xavier turned to the audience.

‘Now ladies and gentlemen, I am going to do something a little different here. I am going to make Hari be the man Tia wants him to be and have him put the ring on her finger in the most romantic way she has ever seen.’

People clapped.

‘I know, I know, you all are just happy that after this ring exchange, the bar will be open and the food will be served,’ he joked, ‘but let’s make this moment memorable for these two, for Tia and Hari!’ and he clapped.

Following his lead, everyone clapped, thumped the tables and applauded.

Xavier turned to Hari.

‘Hari, you will do exactly what I asked you to do and keep doing it till I use the release word, OK?’ he said sincerely.

Hari nodded.

‘Now, as the music starts you’ll take that ring to Tia in the most romantic way. Hari, when I snap my fingers you are going to become the most attentive, the most polished, the most sophisticated, the most romantic guy on the planet. You will demonstrate your love towards this woman with words and actions. You’ll be a romantic poet, a
shayar
, a Don Jaun De’Marco! A Shah Rukh Khan in his most romantic role, and Hari you will love and regale your one and only woman with your romance, your poetry and
shayari
.
. .
’

As he was putting these suggestions into Hari’s hypnotized mind, Xavier put his arms around Hari and extended one hand to point out Tia to Hari as the receiver of all his affections.

That was the plan.

To build anticipation he was pointing around the room randomly, melodramatically creating a suspense as to who he was going to point to as Hari’s ‘only woman’, with the intent of course of ultimately coming to a stop at Tia.

‘… and for only one woman and that woman is …’ the light man was moving the spotlight around the room as if he were searching for Tia.

But when Xavier stopped pointing, and the spotlight came to a stop at the same time, but it wasn’t quite in the right place. And it fell on …

Simi.

‘… her!’ Xavier said, snapping his fingers
‘Galimonto!’

Hari, innocently following Xavier’s finger, also only saw Simi. She was the only woman he could see in the darkness. So when Hari got hypnotized by Xavier’s pointing, it was Simi
he got hypnotized to.

Of course neither Hari nor anyone else knew that. Yet.

The light man immediately corrected his position and the spotlight shifted to Tia. It all happened so fast that only Xavier registered the mistake. And before he could do anything the music had started, another spotlight came on Hari and he was already descending from the dais.

Everyone in the room was following Hari, who had a strange strut in his step almost like the legendary star Dev Anand’s. Minto was overwhelmed seeing an ape turn into a star as he made way for him. The photographers and the videographer were following him.Tia was getting emotional as Hari approached her. She stiffened her body, wiped her ring finger of sweat, and waited.

Hari was a good fifty feet away from her when he casually picked up a single yellow rose from someone’s table and tossed it in the air without looking at it. The rose went up high, rotating horizontaly. Hari took a couple of strides when the rose started coming down. Hari had taken two more steps, the rose was just above him, and without looking up he parted his mouth and without missing a beat, caught the rose in between his teeth by its stem.

People gasped in awe. Hari opened the front buttons of his tuxedo jacket and twirled to the music. The guests were amazed to see him acting like … like a Bollywood film hero as he started mouthing
shayari
to the table where the two sisters were sitting.

Everyone in the room had known Hari for years and had never seen him in such a gallant mood. Hari took the rose out of his mouth and started mouthing words that came out of nowhere.

‘Peace flows into me

As the tide to the pool by the shore;

It is mine forevermore,

It will not ebb like the sea …’

Tia was hyperventilating and tears were flowing down her cheeks.

Hari continued.

‘… I am the pool of blue

That worships the vivid sky;

My hopes were heaven-high,

They are all fulfilled in you …’

Now not only Mary, Cindy and Jenny had joyful tears in their eyes but Barry was also overcome with emotion.

‘… I am the pool of gold

When sunset burns and dies —

You are my deepening skies;

Give me your stars to hold.’

Only those who had studied poetry would know that Hari was reciting a poem called
Peace
by Sara Teasdale, written in 1915. It was part of his class when he was in standard seventh. In itself it was not a big deal, but Hari recalled it and was reciting it with so much conviction that people simply were amazed.

As Hari reached Tia’s table, she got up, now shivering with joy, and extended her hand, her engagement finger extended as well. The music had stopped for people to hear what Hari was going to say. There was utter silence in the hall when …

… Hari bypassed Tia and went straight to Simi. He went down on one knee and extended the diamond ring to her.

All the while Tia maintained her composure and smile, not sure what Hari was up to.

‘I sooooo want to be your hubby, Simi,’ Hari said while kneeling down, taking Simi’s hand and sliding the ring onto her finger, all in one smooth move.

Simi was too stunned to realize what was happening as was Tia — and everyone else for that matter. Before Simi could react, Hari had got back onto his feet, had raised her up, slid his arms around her waist and had planted a long wet kiss on her lips.

There was stunned silence. Nobody knew what was happening.

Tia looked at them kissing but it still didn’t hit her when she saw that Simi, instinctively or maybe because no one had quite kissed her like that, arched backwards as Hari leaned in, the kiss still continuing.

A moment later, the photographers were eagerly clicking away and flashbulbs were going off all across the room when Hari finally disengaged and came up for air.

‘I love you, Simi!’ he said looking deep into her eyes. Then he hugged her and would not let go.

The silence broke, and chaos ensued. Simi screamed at Hari ‘Hari, Hari!’ The house lights came on. Mary got up and rushed towards Tia. So did Jenny and Cindy.

A stunned Tia simply whispered ‘Hari, what are you doing, Hari?’

And as Chitthi and Barry removed Hari from Simi, Tia’s helplessness turned to rage and she turned to the dais.

‘Xavier!’

Everyone looked at Xavier. The photographers and the videographer turned to him as well. He was sweating profusely and trying to loosen his robe at the neck. A few moments earlier, while everyone was too stunned watching Hari plant the longest kiss ever on Simi, Xavier was trying to get someone’s attention … for himself. He was having heart palpitations and was having difficulty breathing. He was suddenly feeling weak and was unable to speak up. But no one was paying attention to him then, but now …

… everyone was looking at him.

Barry screamed at him. Xavier was trying to say something ‘O … O …’ and was pointing at Hari trying to get the release word out of his mouth, but before he could finish what he wanted to say, he clutched his heart and staggered backwards.

As the chaos continued with everyone talking loudly and looking at each other, Xavier staggered sideways as if he was about to collapse when he tried to hold on to something. All he saw was the three-tier cake which, to his blurry eyes, looked like something to hold on to. He leaned on it for support, but collapsed, taking the three-tier cake along with him. The cake splattered on the floor.