What's Done In the Dark (27 page)

I didn’t know how to reply to that. Finally, I said, “Of course I would, but I’d never do anything like this.”

“We should never say never,” Tahiry replied. “Just think about it, Mom. Hate is a wasted energy. Isn’t that what you said?”

Tears welled in my eyes as I stroked my daughter’s cheek. I had wallowed in bitterness and self-pity for so long that I’d missed my daughter turning into a young woman.

“I’m so proud of you,” I said. I didn’t know if I could be as mature as my child in this whole forgiveness thing, but she’d definitely given me food for thought.

“I love you, Mom.” She leaned down and started picking up all the destroyed photos. She reverted to her usual teenage voice as she said, “Now, can we tape these pictures back together? I need them to one day show my kids these ugly bridesmaid dresses.”

For the first time in days, I laughed.

57

Felise

S
TEVEN
J
AMES
W
RIGHT

L
OVING HUSBAND

D
EVOTED FATHER

1977–2013

MY FINGERS GENTLY RAN OVER
the tombstone. I wasn’t surprised that he had a headstone already. While most people had to wait six weeks, Ms. Lois was going to make certain her son went out in style.

“Nice headstone,” I said as I laid the flowers down on his grave. The day was overcast and dreary, and matched my mood. Or at least the mood I’d come here with. I was hoping to leave cleansed and ready to move on.

“Your mother is always looking out for you,” I said, as a memory came racing back. “You remember when your mom came up to campus when you got the presidential award and they put you at the back of the stadium?” I managed a laugh, which echoed in the silence all around me.
“You were so embarrassed, and I calmed you down by reminding you how I would’ve given anything for my mother to come up.”

I was talking to Steven like he could actually talk back. I’d give anything if he could.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and reminded myself that I came here today for closure. Not to reminisce.

My life was slowly but surely returning to normal. Things were a little uncomfortable when Tahiry came over, but I think that affected me more than her. Both of the girls had shown remarkable resilience.

I knew it was time to stop wallowing in my mistake. When we were in college and I’d get depressed about something, Steven used to always say, “I need you to be a victor, not a victim.” I’d had a dream about him last night. He’d encouraged me to stop regretting and forgive myself. I’d woken up crying, but determined to heed his words.

I brushed my skirt down and continued saying what I had come to say. “Steven, I’m so sorry for the mess. I knew better.
We
knew better. I wish that I had never let you go, but I did and as much as I loved being with you that night, it should’ve never happened. Too many people were hurt behind our actions. Paula hates me. Greg is gone. For good, I’m thinking. And while I never wanted the marriage to turn out this way, it’s probably best. I was really scared that I might have lost Liz, but you know she’s my baby, so she’s coming around.” I inhaled, blew a ragged breath. This was getting harder as I went on. “Everyone misses you so much.” I didn’t realize I was crying until I saw the teardrops falling. “It’s so hard,” I said, kneeling down on his grave. “I don’t know how I’m going to heal.”

You’re a victor, not a victim.

“But I’m going to be fine because I’m a victor. Not a victim,” I repeated, raising my head. Even in his death, Steven had a way of giving me life. “So, I’m going to do like you said and stop regretting. Tomorrow will be a better day. I am going to live today, not yesterday. And I’m going to remember what you told me that semester I failed English Lit: ‘It doesn’t matter what you did, its what you will do.’ ” I smiled at that memory. Steven was talking about my grades then, but it definitely applied to my situation now.

I stood in silence for a minute, inhaling the brisk air, and feeling Steven’s presence surround me.

Finally, I said, “I just wanted to come see you. And say good-bye. I’m going to go. The girls will be home soon.” I placed my palm on his headstone. “Good-bye, Steven. I’ll love you forever and always.”

I thought about the last few months and what I could have done differently. I didn’t know how someone could stop beating herself up when she’d done something bad, but I knew I needed to figure it out. I needed to leave my guilt here with Steven.

I made my way back to my car and felt an odd sense of peace on the ride home. I turned on the gospel station and let Yolanda Adams fill my spirit. I felt freer than I had in a long time. But my new attitude was short-lived. When I turned on my street, I saw Paula parked in my driveway. I knew my good day had just come to an end.

58

Paula

I DEFINITELY HAD GROWN AS
a person. Mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Because for the first time since I’d found out about my best friend’s betrayal, I didn’t have the urge to body-slam her.

“Hi, Paula,” she said tentatively, approaching me.

I was leaned up against my car in her driveway. Tahiry had told me she and Liz were at the mall and they’d left Felise here alone. I was surprised when I arrived and she was gone, but I forced myself to wait because I had no idea when I’d get up the nerve to come back.

I’d been waiting twenty minutes when Felise’s car turned onto her street. I know she was shocked to see me because she’d slowed down as she approached her driveway, as if she didn’t know whether to speed off or pull in.

“What’s up?” I replied.

I could tell she didn’t know what my reaction was going to be because she kept her distance.

She stood there awkwardly. “I don’t think Tahiry is here,” she informed me.

“I know where my child is,” I said. “I didn’t come to see her. I came to see you.”

She shifted uncomfortably. “Um, well, do you want to come in?”

I debated whether I should go inside. She was looking like she hoped that I would say no. I decided to do the opposite. “Yes, I want to talk to you.”

I took a deep breath and followed her inside. I had practiced this speech all the way over here. This wasn’t about Felise. This was about me. This was about remembering the good part of my life with Steven, then closing this chapter and moving on.

“I just want to know how you could do it,” I said once we were in her living room.

She didn’t hesitate. “I don’t have an excuse.”

“That’s not good enough,” I replied.

I could see pain in her eyes. The old me would’ve known this was hurting her, but after all we’d been through, I’d concluded that I didn’t know my friend at all.

“We go way back,” I went on, my voice not carrying as much anger as I had anticipated. “And out of everyone on this earth, you are the last person I would’ve ever expected to do something like this.”

“I know—” she began.

I held up my hand to stop her. “Then I thought about it. If I had been thinking clearly, I would’ve realized you were the
most
likely to do this.”

She looked shocked. “What does that mean?”

“It means, I’ve always known that you loved Steven, even when you wouldn’t admit it. But you kept denying it until I convinced myself that you really didn’t have feelings for him. I knew better, and I was crazy to think that love had somehow disappeared.”

“No, don’t blame yourself—”

“Oh, don’t get it twisted,” I said, wagging a finger at her. “Trust and believe, I’m not blaming myself. What you and Steven did was only on you and Steven.”

She retreated to her former cautious, wary stance.

“All I’m saying is that I recognize that this is something that was festering for a long time,” I continued. “I get that. It doesn’t make it right. It definitely doesn’t excuse what you did. But I get it.”

She appeared relieved, but I wasn’t done.

“But I came here for the truth. Was that the first time?”

She held up her hand like she was being sworn in at a trial. “As God as my witness, it was.”

I hated that I believed her. But I did. “You know, it’s not that your word means anything to me anymore, but either you’re a helluva an actress or you’re telling the truth.”

“I’m telling the truth. I’ve never said anything different.”

I began pacing back and forth in her living room. “I’ve replayed this over and over. How you weren’t there for me after Steven died. You were there for Tahiry and I’m grateful for that, but I couldn’t understand why you weren’t there for me. Now I do.”

Felise didn’t say anything. She just let me rant.

“Had you all ever talked about getting together? Googly-eyed each other, anything?” I demanded to know.

“No. Nothing,” she said, her voice reeking of desperation.
But not like she was desperate to cover up a lie. Like she was desperate for me to believe she was telling the truth. “We buried our feelings a long time ago. And from the day I fixed him up with you, I have never, ever crossed the line.”

I narrowed my eyes at her.

“I mean, except, you know . . . that one time.”

I wanted to ask her some intimate details, but I had come so far and I didn’t need my memory of my husband tainted any more than it already was.

“I asked him for a divorce that night. Is that why you did it?” I said.

She vehemently shook her head. “No, absolutely not. Honestly, we both just fell to temptation, and after it was over, we swore it would never happen again.”

I glared at her, then said, “I would like to believe that you’re not that low-down. I just can’t imagine that you have been my friend all these years—my best friend—and you were secretly harboring feelings for my husband.”

She took a step toward me. “You’ve got to believe me.”

I didn’t have to do any such thing, but I said, “Fine.”

We stood in silence, former friends facing off. Then I said, “I came to let you know I forgive you.” I waited to feel like this great weight was being lifted from my shoulders. It didn’t happen.

She smiled, greatly relieved. “Thank you, Paula. I just want us to get back to where we were.”

I looked at her like she had lost her mind. “Girl, please. I’m forgiving you for me. Not because you deserve it. I just want to close this chapter of my life.”

She sadly nodded in understanding.
“What about Liz and Tahiry?” she asked.

“They are innocent in all of this. I’m not going to interfere in their friendship.”

Her shoulders slumped in relief. I don’t know what kind of monster she thought I was. Just because I complained about my kids a lot didn’t mean that I didn’t have their best interests at heart. And Tahiry and Liz loved each other. I wasn’t going to take that away from them.

“I’m sorry.” She stepped toward me again.

The look on my face stopped her, and she lowered her gaze.

“Yes, you are,” I said. I turned and walked away.

Inside my car, I finally let my river of tears escape. Yes, I was crying for a friendship lost, but forgiving—or trying to forgive—had cleansed my soul. Never in a million years did I think I’d be capable of forgiving such a betrayal, and while I still had a long road to complete healing, I was definitely on my way.

I’d cried enough. I wiped my face, tossed my curls over my shoulder, started my car, and drove toward my future.

59

Felise

THESE HAD BEEN THE ABSOLUTE
longest three months of my life. I felt empty without Paula in my life, but I was grateful that she’d found it in her heart to forgive me. Or at least taken steps toward forgiveness. And I was really grateful that Paula remained loving and cordial to Liz. For them, nothing had changed.

I truly was sorry for how I’d hurt Paula. I was especially sorry for my deception afterward, but my pity party was shut down. I was no longer going to wallow in the mess I’d made.

I knew that our friendship would never be the same, but forgiveness was a powerful drug. Having Paula’s forgiveness set me free. Forgiving myself allowed me to pick up the pieces and move forward.

“Hey, Felise, thanks so much for giving me the name of your friend. She had some great ideas for my parents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary.”

I smiled at my coworker April. I’d heard through the
grapevine that Paula’s event-planning business was doing really well, so when April mentioned that she was looking for someone, I’d immediately given her Paula’s name.

“I’m so glad to hear that,” I said. “I’m sure the party will be wonderful.”

April smiled as she darted off to answer a call button from one of the patient rooms.

Her parents had made it to fifty years. That’s a goal I would never attain. As he had promised, Greg officially filed for divorce right after my birthday, and our divorce was finalized last week.

I tried not to think about the past—and only focus on the future—as I made my way out to my car. I hummed along to Mary Mary on the radio as I made my way home. It was getting late, so I decided to pick up something to eat. I called and placed an order at Kim Son, which was one of my favorite Chinese restaurants. It had been one of the places where Greg and I loved to eat, so I almost didn’t go, but I was starving and not in the mood to cook.

I had just given the hostess my name when I glanced toward the front door and saw Greg walk in—with a date!

“Oh, wow. Hi, Felise,” he said.

“Hi,” I replied. Outside of issues with Liz, we never talked any more.

His date squeezed him tighter as if signaling that she wanted to be introduced.

“Um, Gina, this is my ex-wife, Felise. Felise, this is my girlfriend, Gina.”

I felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer and slammed it into my abdomen. But I managed a “Nice to
meet you.”

“Nice to finally meet you, too,” she said. “I see where Liz gets her beauty from.” She smiled. I didn’t.