What We Find (15 page)

There was an accident and it involved teenagers. Walter was called to the emergency room and Maggie followed him wearing a lab coat so she looked like she belonged. There were terrible injuries, the police were at the hospital, alcohol was involved, frantic parents came running, the waiting room was a circus. Walter was one of several doctors who then went to the operating room from ER. “Stay with me, Maggie.” She remembered thinking Walter had shown her exactly what he wanted her to see, that recklessness hurt people and it could be deadly. But imagine her shock when he told his OR tech to suit her up and scrub her in.

“What?” she had asked, horrified. “What if I faint?”

“The circulating nurse will kick you to one side so you’re not in our way. But I want you to be there.”

She stood through not one but two surgeries on teenagers and watched in fascination as Walter calmly and confidently called for instruments, asked for extra hands, ordered suction while blood dripped on his shoes, drilled holes in a skull, implanted shunts, carved and stitched, even had to resuscitate one patient on the table. He never panicked; he never raised his voice. The circulating nurse mopped his sweating brow. Both patients went to recovery, Walter and Maggie following. Maggie heard a nurse say, “By the grace of God and a hair.” She heard Walter say to one of the parents, “We were very lucky.”

Maggie had been in a silent cloud of sheer wonder. It was nearly dawn when they were driving home. “Well, Maggie?” Walter said.

In a voice that sometimes rang in her ears to this day she heard herself say to her stepfather, “I have to do that.”

He pulled the car into their garage, stopped the engine and looked across the front seat at her. “You can do anything you choose to do, Maggie. But if you want to live to do it, you will not drink and drive and you will never exceed the speed limit again. Is that clear?”

“Absolutely. So, how long does it take to become a neurosurgeon?”

He was quiet a second and then said, “Forever.”

Maggie smiled and shook her head. “Walter—high school. My speeding ticket. A watershed moment.”

“Seems so,” he agreed. “I couldn’t have planned that, of course. I admit, I wanted to scare you. But it had a much bigger impact than that.”

“You didn’t think I’d be impressed with emergency surgery?”

“At that time in your life I was betting on a career in cheerleading.”

She gave a hollow little laugh. She thought for a moment. “Would you two mind if I just... I’d like to take a short walk down by the lake before we continue this conversation. If you have the time, Walter. If you can spare me, Sully.”

“We’ll just have our drinks and catch up. Go ahead,” Walter said. “I’m in no hurry to get back on the road.”

As she walked along the edge of the lake, hands in the pockets of her shorts, her sneakers getting wet and dirty, she remembered with such clarity the night in the emergency room, that night of vivid lucidity, watching Walter save lives. She followed him at three feet, listening raptly, but he only spoke to her twice. Both times he said, “All right, Maggie?” And she had replied, “All right.”

All he’d had in mind was showing her blood and fear and trauma from a car accident, but something had happened. Though a kind and gentle man, until that night she had not appreciated how strong and wise Walter was, how thoroughly competent. That night she learned a new respect for her stepfather.

Later, while in medical school, she’d scrubbed in with Walter a few times, much closer to the sterile field, watching his perfect nimble fingers work magic. That was when she learned that Walter Lancaster was a highly respected neurosurgeon. He was the one to ask for when you wanted the best. She did her fellowship in neurosurgery with him. He had since retired from his practice after a couple of small strokes, unwilling to take any chances on his health or that of his patients. He still worked now and then, taking a few days to go back to Chicago where he was licensed, where he consulted, scrubbed in with another surgeon occasionally, that sort of thing. And he continued to go to neurosurgery conferences where he was often a presenter.

It suddenly occurred to her—maybe their move to Golden wasn’t Phoebe’s idea. Maybe Walter liked the idea.

She dawdled for a half hour or so, just thinking. Then she went back to find someone had wrapped up her uneaten sandwich and Sully was showing Walter the garden. She walked over to take some credit for it—stuff was sprouting up all over.

“Pretty soon we’ll come out here to cut a few inches off the top of the lettuce for salad and it grows back in a couple of days. Tomatoes will be coming all summer. Melon vines are starting to crawl over the yard.”

“I’ve always wished we had a garden,” Walter said, bending to pet Beau. “But between me and Phoebe there was no one to take care of one. And hiring it done just wouldn’t be the same, would it?”

“Mother isn’t sinking her hands in the dirt, Walter. You know better than that,” Maggie said.

“Well, she’s good at other things,” he said.

“Like what?” Maggie asked, sounding insolent.

But Walter laughed. “She’s a genius at hiring a cleaning service and picking restaurants. And she has other gifts—she’s a great decorator. An excellent travel companion. She can entertain with great fanfare. And I think you don’t give her enough credit for being a wonderful mother.”

Maggie reserved comment on that. It might just be there were too many complications given two marriages, the separation from Sully. She was willing to give Phoebe the benefit of the doubt. Maybe under it all she was a good mother, just not that good for Maggie.

“I’m getting back to work,” Sully said. “Nice to see you, Walter.”

The men shook hands and Sully wandered off toward the store, Beau at his heels.

“And I should get back to Golden,” Walter said. “It was nice having lunch with you, Maggie. I think you picked a nice place to hole up awhile.”

“I think you came here to give me things to think about. So let me admit it—I miss my job. The patients, the surgery, some of the staff. It’s just the other forces—insurance, administrators, lawsuits, politics and Jesus, even the media. They make it so hard to help people.”

“I know. It’s very hard to find a way to do what you do on your own terms.”

“Did you? Do it on your terms?”

“Yes,” he said. “There were occasional trade-offs but I managed most of the time. But it’s obvious in one hour here that I wanted an entirely different kind of life than you do. I didn’t grow up in the country, in the mountains. I grew up in a nice house in Chicago. I didn’t play sports. I got a chemistry set when I was seven. I was in the chess club, the debate club, the science club—the old-fashioned version of a nerd. And all I wanted in a wife was everything that would drive Sully and maybe you crazy.” He smiled at her. “No one can live your life but you, Maggie. But if you find a way to use your talents to help people I think you’ll be happier.”

She couldn’t deny it. She was deeply touched that Walter would do this—ditch her mother and drive to the crossing to speak to her alone. No pressure, just a conversation. “You’re a good man, Walter. You’ve been a good father to me.”

He kissed her forehead. “I’m very proud of you. In all your incarnations.”

* * *

The store was pretty quiet so they left Jackson in charge and went to the house for dinner. Maggie grilled a couple of fish fillets and sautéed some vegetables.

Sully sat at the table. “That was good of Walter to drive down just to talk to you,” he said. “You’re a very lucky girl.”

“Yes, Walter went out of his way, didn’t he? And wouldn’t it be nice if my own father had gone out of his way? When I was growing up?”

Sully put down his fork. “How dare you say that to me,” he said, his voice very calm.

“Well, you let them take me, you let them keep me even though all of you knew I wanted to be here. And you—”

“Stop it!” he snapped. “You were a little girl! You needed some things I couldn’t give you, like a decent education! You needed a mother and don’t you dare criticize your mother again—she sacrificed so much for you. I don’t like her but she was damn good to you and she wouldn’t have married Walter if he hadn’t been the best thing for you! And before you lay that on me one more time I want you to think about the sacrifice I made—my own child, gone to another state because it was the best thing. You think you’d be a goddamn surgeon if you’d stayed here where I wanted you to be?”

She broke down. “I thought you didn’t want me. I thought you found me annoying,” she whispered.

“You are annoying! But I loved you with a father’s heart! I wanted more for you! It was terrible. And I wouldn’t change one goddamn thing!”

She put her hands over her face, covering the tears. She was probably ten the last time she cried in front of Sully.

“Maggie, don’t snivel about it. I did the best I could and I apologize if it wasn’t good enough.”

“It was good enough,” she said. “You never say you love me.”

“I just did,” he grumbled. “I’ll say one thing—you never thank me for all the years I did without you for your own damn good. If you had a child, you’d understand.”

I almost did
, she thought, emotions overflowing.

“Because I’ll tell you something, Maggie—when you have a child you’ll understand how hard it is when she’s taken from you. I guess I was supposed to grieve for you so you’d be convinced it wasn’t fun for me, but I didn’t want to do that to you. I wanted you to take everything offered you in a good home and not feel the tearing inside when—”

“I just wanted to know that,” she said. “I didn’t know you were protecting me. I thought you were just as happy I was gone so much.”

“So now you have it—I wasn’t one goddamn bit happy about it. But it worked out the way I wanted it to. You made something out of yourself. If you’d stayed around here you’d be bagging groceries and cleaning up campsites.” He shook his head. “You’re welcome.”

“I just wanted to know,” she said.

“Now you know. We gonna let go of this now?”

She nodded and wiped her cheeks.

“I’ll tell you what, girl. You do make a man work hard for it.”

She gave a little huff of laughter. “About Mother,” she said. “She’s a pain in the ass.”

“I know that,” he said, picking up his fork. “At least she’s not my pain in the ass. Now, I want you to tell me something—how long are you planning to stay here and make me pay for all my parenting mistakes?”

She took a breath. “I came for a two-week break. I stayed because I knew that despite all your grumbling, you could use my help. Then my lawyer called and said we’re going to trial. Soon. In a month or so. He said it was perfectly reasonable for me to wait it out here.”

Sully lifted his bushy brows. “Trial?”

“Trial,” she said. “The lawsuit. It’s taking all my energy to keep from running scared.”

“You have nothing to be scared about,” he said. “Walter says you’re one of the best and it will all come to light. Meanwhile, I can stand it a little longer if you’re determined to stay on a bit.”

She laughed. “You certainly know how to suck up, Sully.”

“Don’t I?” he said.

He who is outside the door has already a
good part of his journey behind him.

—Dutch proverb

Chapter 9

Maggie was at peace. She knew her father loved her but what she had
really wanted was to know that he had missed her, that her absence had been hard for him. And now that it was laid to rest, she’d think about showing gratitude. Sully had done his best by her and it hadn’t been easy.

And of course Maggie thought about Walter’s visit. She had begun to ask herself if there was any compromise in her situation. Maybe there was a free clinic somewhere that needed her. Or maybe she should just take a year to travel with a medical team to performed badly needed surgeries in places that didn’t have readily available resources. One of those big hospital boats maybe?

She had to admit, the very thought of returning to her field of expertise purely for the joy of operating, especially if people were trying to make it easier instead of harder at every turn, was enticing. She started looking at websites for volunteer medical teams—everything from the Red Cross to Doctors Without Borders.

The days passed more peacefully. She began to fantasize. She’d be in her best physical shape from a summer at the crossing, tighten up those belly muscles, strengthen her legs, study all those medical journals she’d been meaning to go through, even read some of those classic novels Cal seemed so fond of, not that she was thinking about him. Not at all. When the lawsuit was won or settled or—please, God—thrown out, she’d join a hospital ship for a year, traveling the world, saving lives where no one else could be bothered. She’d be operating again. She’d meet new people. They wouldn’t work every second, though they would be in great demand. There would still be time to see the wonders of the world, exotic and romantic places. She’d meet a man, a fascinating and brilliant man. A sexy man, but more reliable than that California Jones, wherever he was. Yes, it would be exciting. Fulfilling.

The last week of May approached, promising summer vacation just days away when school let out. Sully announced they had lots of reservations. Many packages and letters had arrived for hikers. The busy season was upon them. All this, combined with her fantasies, took Cal, who had obviously left them, further from her mind. Soon her heart would catch up. She hadn’t heard from him at all and hadn’t located his truck in Leadville, no matter how many times she’d tried.

It was only late in the night, in the dark, that she remembered with longing how special their time together had been. She had loved talking to him, loved making love even more. But alas, he hadn’t promised anything but that he’d say goodbye. And he said promises broke him. Well, he had said goodbye. There was another crack in her heart.

After a very long day of work, just as people around the campgrounds were starting to fire up their grills, Maggie sat on the porch with Sully, Tom and Frank. Tom and Sully had spent the day refreshing the grounds and rounding up trash. Maggie was having a beer, feet up on the porch rail.

A hiker came into view from the north. He’d obviously been on the trail awhile. He was dirty and sporting a beard. His cheeks above the beard were apple red. He had a walking stick that looked like something fashioned out of a knotty branch.

“Lookit that,” Sully said.

“Looks like he could use a cold one,” Tom said.

“Wonder how many miles he logged,” Frank said. “He’s been gone almost a month, ain’t he?”

Maggie sat up in her chair, feet off the rail. She leaned forward and squinted.
Could it be?
She stood and the hiker waved.

“Reckon I’m gonna be cooking my own dinner tonight,” Sully said.

Maggie put her beer on the table and went down the porch steps. She walked toward him, at first thinking it might not be him. He was barely recognizable. She walked a little faster. He dropped his stick and shrugged off his backpack, letting it fall to the ground, and she broke into a run. So now all those guys on the porch knew everything, knew that he meant so much to her, knew she’d been missing him madly. When she reached him she threw her arms around his neck and almost knocked him over.

He kissed her as he lifted her off the ground.

“Damn, you feel good,” he said. “Miss me?”

“I was so busy I hardly noticed you were gone.”

He laughed. “I’m going to need a ride to Leadville to pick up my truck.”

She pulled away from him just a little bit. “It’s not there,” she said. “I looked and I—”

He grinned. “It’s there.”

“Why didn’t you just get it on your way?” she asked.

“I didn’t want to get off the trail when this was closer. Besides, I knew you’d give me a ride. And it has to be soon—there’s nothing clean in my pack.”

“You’re pretty ripe,” she noted, wrinkling her nose. “Good hike?”

“I’ll tell you all about it,” he said. “But can I have a beer first?”

“Sure.”

He grabbed her hand and his backpack, letting her have the walking stick. “Come on, then. I bet I can clear the porch without hardly trying.”

“You gave up shaving,” she said, leaning into him a little bit.

“Just for a week or ten days. Once I started south, I didn’t bother.”

“How far did you go?”

“Not so far. Couple of weeks north with a stop or two, ten days south, no stops. Twenty-six days since I left. I was into Wyoming.”

“Did you run into wildlife?” she asked.

“Here and there. Lots of cows and deer. I heard wildlife. Coyotes, for sure. And wolves. I wanted to go farther north to see what was up there, but I couldn’t.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“You were here,” he said. “It was time to get back.”

“Hmm. I wondered if maybe I’d just get a postcard. If that...”

“You’ve been let down a lot, I think. Well, join the club. Let’s get that beer and I’ll treat the boys on the porch to some high-test body odor.”

“Really, you’ve been working on it for a while. I think I’ll borrow Sully’s truck to go to Leadville. I like the way the inside of my car smells.”

“You looked for my truck in Leadville, did you?”

“Not really,” she said. “I might’ve glanced around. I was working on changing my life while you were gone. I have big plans. I’m thinking of joining a hospital ship, doing surgery for those in need and without resources, having a long, magnificent affair with a brilliant, hot Australian doctor.”

“Is that so? You haven’t gone back to work, I take it,” he said.

“That’s a matter of opinion. I’ve been working my tail off.”

“Ah, that’s what I saw when I got here,” he said. “That was you working.”

* * *

Maggie allowed him only one beer, though he snatched a second while following her to the house. She raided Sully’s closet and found sweatpants, a T-shirt and pair of socks for him, and he had a pair of rubber shower sandals in his pack, something he put on his feet when he got out of his hiking boots at the end of every day on the trail. She pushed him into the shower and said, “We’ll talk about the truck tomorrow. Want me to throw your dirty clothes in the wash?”

“They might have to be burned,” he said. “God, these thru-hikers must be evil smelling by the time they make the Canada border.”

“Are you going to shave?” she asked.

“That depends. How sexy do you find the beard?”

“I’ll get you a new razor and some shaving cream,” she said. “I’ll meet you back at the store. Sully said he’d throw some burgers on the grill for you.”

* * *

Maggie was sitting at the bar, waiting for him. She smiled, pleased with the improvement. “Better,” she said. “Hungry?”

“For real food, you bet.” He sat on the stool beside her. “I spent half my childhood camping but I realized, I’ve never been on a long trek alone. I lost four toenails and my feet are now extra ugly.”

“I hear the toenail stories from everyone who comes through,” she said. “Were you lonely?”

“I was, but I was also amazed by the whole thing. I ran into people. They let you hike with them for a while, but it’s every man for himself. Sometimes I camped near other people, but we didn’t wait for each other. We exchanged trail news—where there was a snake, where there’s water, where there’s an alternative to the water source shown on the map. One guy had wolves curious around his camp. No bears. I saw elk but at a great distance. It’s very beautiful. I can see why some people are driven by the need to conquer the trail, why they think of it as a religious experience.”

“Do you feel the need for a lot more religion?” she asked.

“I think I’ve had enough for now,” he said. “Part of me didn’t think I’d last a whole week, another part wondered if I might not be able to stop until I’d gone all the way.”

“What made you stop?” she asked.

“I was done,” he said with a shrug. “I turned around in the middle of the trail, in the middle of the day and started back.”

Sully came in from the back porch and put a plate with a burger on it in front of Cal. He produced little packs of ketchup, mustard and mayo.

“Sully, this is great. I promise after I eat and get a little rest, you won’t wait on me again. By the way, is there a cabin free? Maggie’s holding my truck and camper hostage.”

“There’s room in the house,” he said. “Maggie, you want a burger?”

“Thanks, Dad,” she said.

“I’d be happy to share my fish and broccoli with you,” Sully said.

“Normally I’d jump right on that, but since Cal just got back, I’ll have a burger with him.” Then she smiled sweetly.

“Maggie, I shouldn’t impose. I can pitch my tent...”

“It’s all right, I’ll take the couch tonight,” she said. She smiled at him. “You need your rest.”

“Hmm,” he said, biting into the burger, unable to wait. He craved solid, meaty food. He was thinking he might need her even more. Hungry and depleted as he was, he’d trade the burger and the beer just to crawl into bed next to her.

Sully gave Maggie her burger, then stomped out with a huff of displeasure. He’d always been a red-meat man, so he had told Cal. Lots of red meat. Daily. Not to mention potatoes slathered in butter. And he loved vegetables...with plenty of salt. This new heart-healthy diet was taking its toll on his mood.

Cal, forgetting he hadn’t spoken aloud while he was thinking of all he’d trade for a naked romp with Maggie, spoke. “I’m commando, you know.”

“I assumed so, since I didn’t provide any of Sully’s tighty whities.”

“God,” he said, putting down the burger for a second. “I think I’m delirious. I was thinking about how I’d trade the burger and beer for a night up against you.”

“Relax, Cal. Enjoy your burger. After we close up here we’ll watch a little TV. Remember TV?” she asked, lifting a slimly arched brow.

“Vaguely,” he said. “You’re beautiful, Maggie.”

“It’s a mirage,” she said, laughing.

“No, I’m seeing you. I told you about my hike. Tell me what you did while I was gone.”

“Besides the usual? My stepfather showed up here one day, out of the blue. Alone. I wish you’d been here—he was so sweet. He sneaked down here without telling my mother because she never lets us have a conversation. When you’re rested I’ll tell you stories about Walter. He’s an interesting guy. The opposite of Sully yet he had a major influence on my life, my education.”

Cal stuffed himself. Sully came in with his own plate, which he ate at the bar. A couple of campers stopped in for milk and eggs and Maggie jumped up to take their money. The ice maker on the back porch rattled and clunked. The front door was propped open and laughter could be heard as the sun slowly became lost behind the mountains.

This must be such a happy place in summer when families come here to play, to be together, to get away from their stress and worry
, Cal thought.

He was in a daze and he knew it. He was vaguely aware that Maggie and Sully were talking to customers, putting things away. Maggie was sweeping behind the counter. He got up and took his plate to the kitchen. Maggie leaned her broom up against the counter and took his plate.

“Just go over to the house,” she said. “Turn on the TV and put your feet up. You’re a basket case. I’ll be over in a while.”

“I’m sorry, Maggie. I pushed it kind of hard the past couple of days. You should just give me a blanket and I’ll sleep in the—”

“I think Sully would be disappointed if you didn’t accept. He’s missed you.” She pushed him out the back door. “Try not to get lost.”

Beau was lying on the back porch. “I’m going to lie down,” Cal said to the dog. Beau jumped to his feet and began wagging his tail. “Okay, then,” he said. “You and me, on the couch.”

* * *

Maggie and Sully essentially closed down the store, but they sat out on the porch in front. They watched over the grounds while the moon cast a glow over the lake. This was the perfect end to a perfect day, in Maggie’s mind. Even though Cal was in the house, even though she’d told him she’d be along soon, she felt no urgency, but a sense of comfort, of all being right in her world.

When she visited Sully’s while she was in med school or residency she might study all day but come evening, they’d eat a burger or barbecued chicken and sit on the porch after sunset. From here they could hear the conversations, children running and playing, clattering of dishes from the various campsites; they could see the small fires that dotted the landscape by tents and campers or at the edge of the beach. On some nights Sully would wander through the grounds to make sure everyone had safe fires, contained at all times of the year. A wildfire was a nightmare come to life in the Colorado mountains.