Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the Toddler Years (280 page)
ONCUSTODIAL PARENTHOOD
“I just went through a divorce and my former wife got custody of our two-year-old son. He is with me every Tuesday and every other weekend but I wonder if I can still keep a good relationship with him that way.”
Being the noncustodial parent is in some ways easier than having custody—but in other ways, of course, it’s more difficult. You can, however, maintain a good relationship with your child, if you work hard at it. That means setting up a comfortable space for him in your home; giving him your full attention when he’s with you and calling him daily when he’s not, if your agreement allows such calls; minimizing discord with his mother (if there is discord, try to keep your toddler out of it); loving him, but disciplining him as needed, too (see tips for single parents on page 788); sharing in decisions about his life (schools, camps, and so on), if this is part of your agreement; taking responsibility for filling his needs (buying clothing, toys, books, and so on), but being careful not to overindulge him (see page 373).
Also see the tips for talking to your child about separation and divorce on page 791, which can be helpful to both the custodial and the noncustodial parent.
“I am a single mother and a lesbian. There is a special woman in my life and we are talking about living together on a permanent basis. Friends say this won’t be good for my little boy.”
AME-SEX PARENTS
There are over half a million same-sex couples in the U.S. and about 40 percent of them are raising children. Most of these families are “invisible” to outsiders; usually neighbors and casual acquaintances aren’t even aware the parent or parents are gay. Many of these families include a partner who was involved in a heterosexual relationship before coming out as gay, broke off that relationship, and took the child or children along on leaving. There are also a growing number of gay and lesbian couples who have adopted a child or conceived one through artificial insemination or a surrogate-mother arrangement.
The past belief that having a homosexual parent or parents will damage a child’s emotional and sexual development is based on prejudice, not fact. Happily for these children, the most recent research by child-development experts uniformly affirms that children raised by homosexual parents are no more likely to have psychological or social problems than children raised in heterosexual families. Nor are they more likely to be homosexual themselves.
Of course, having a homosexual parent or parents isn’t always easy for children, especially if the parent or couple is openly gay. There may be periods of peer teasing and cruelty during the late childhood, preteen, and early teen years, though perhaps as society becomes more accepting, these kinds of social pressures will ease up. In the meantime, gay and lesbian parents (who have almost always experienced such ridicule themselves)
are generally quite capable of helping their offspring cope. There are also support groups for teenage children of gay parents in many cities.
When a homosexual parent has a partner in the home, his or her children seem to do slightly better in terms of self-confidence, self-acceptance, and independence. So raising your child with a partner is likely to have a positive rather than a negative effect on your child. All of the tips for single parents are useful for homosexual parents who remain single (see page 788). Particularly important in either case will be finding an opposite-sex relative or friend to spend some time with your child; sometimes the biological father or surrogate mother is willing to play that role.
Seek help in an existing support group or start one of your own. Turn, too, to organizations such as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG),
www.pflag.org
, (202) 467-8180.
SICK PARENT—COPING WITH SERIOUS ILLNESS
“My wife is about to go into the hospital for a major operation, and she’s likely to be there for several weeks recuperating. We don’t know how to explain this to our daughter without frightening her.”
What your toddler doesn’t know can frighten her much more than the truth. When potentially upsetting information is withheld from children and they sense that something is wrong (as they usually do), what they imagine is often worse than the reality.
So instead of launching into an involved cover-up to protect your toddler (which would be hard to pull off, anyway, with your wife absent for so long), give her an explanation that’s accurate in substance, but simple enough for her to understand: “Mommy is sick and she has to go to the hospital so the doctor can help her get better.” Don’t describe the surgery or give other details your toddler doesn’t ask for. Make it clear that she will be able to visit Mommy (if that will indeed be possible) and can bring her a picture or a present if she wants to. Tell her who will take care of her while Mommy is away and you’re not available (ideally, it should be her regular sitter, a grandparent, or someone else she knows and feels especially close to). Assure your daughter that you will be with her a lot and be sure to make every effort to keep your word. (You may also want to consider requesting family leave for the duration of your wife’s illness; in most instances, it will be available to you under the Family and Medical Leave Act.)
And most important, let your child know that it isn’t her fault or anyone’s fault that her mommy’s sick; children sometimes blame themselves for bad things that happen to their parents or others (“Mommy’s in the hospital because I didn’t listen to her” or “Mommy’s sick because I had a tantrum in the super-market”).
No matter how reassuring and comforting your explanations, the situation may provoke anxiety in your child. The possible results include sleep problems, eating problems, the development of new fears or problem behaviors (some children act out by acting up; others find security by withdrawing into themselves). Treat these problems as you would at any other time, being particularly understanding and caring—but without letting all limits lapse. Don’t, for example, take your toddler into bed with you if she cries at night if that hasn’t been your custom in the past, not only because this may set up a hard-to-break pattern, but because it can be scary and
unsettling rather than comforting (“Things must be pretty bad if Daddy is letting me sleep in his bed!”). But do sit by her bed a little longer while she’s falling asleep and be sure to comfort her when she cries in the middle of the night. It will also help if she follows her regular routine as closely as possible and has plenty to do (play dates, visits to the playground or indoor play area, and so on). And try to see to it that foods she especially likes are on the daily menu at home. She should also have daily hospital visits, if that’s possible and her mother’s condition isn’t too scary for her to see. (Sometimes, when children aren’t allowed in the hospital room, a visit can be set up in a waiting room or lobby.) If visits are out entirely, a photo or digital video taken of a smiling mom in the hospital
prior
to the surgery may be cheering. So may daily phone calls.
EALING WITH DEATH
“My husband had a heart attack last night and died this morning. I don’t know how to tell our son, who is nearly three.”
There’s no easy way to tell a young child about the death of someone so close to him, but tell you must.
Explain your husband’s death as simply and honestly as you can: “Daddy’s heart got very sick and he died. The doctors did everything they could to help make him better, but he was too sick. He can’t be with us anymore.” Your child will probably want to know where his daddy is now; just what your answer will be will depend at least partly on your personal beliefs. See the box on page 800 for help in explaining about death.
Young children often react to news that devastates older children and adults in an unexpected way. Many, at least initially, seem not to react at all; they listen without comment, then toddle off and go about their business. This lack of reaction doesn’t reflect a lack of compassion or a lack of love for the person who has died, just a lack of comprehension or the need to defer recognition of the overwhelming news. Others begin crying for Daddy not so much because they understand that he is dead, but because talking about him makes them want him now. Toddlers, after all, usually have trouble grasping any concepts that involve time; it’s often not until the school years that children can understand the finality of death. Most young children repeatedly ask for the person who has died, and must be reminded over and over again that the person can’t come back before the reality finally sinks in. Letting your child watch you or someone else pack up Daddy’s things (clothes from the closet, the robe from the bathroom door, the hat from the coat rack) may help make it clear that he won’t be coming back. Resist sending your toddler off to Grandma’s or a friend’s house in the weeks after the death; not only will being banished from home be unsettling, but it will make the death even more unreal. He will have to deal with the absence of his father eventually anyway, and going through the grieving period together will help both of you come to terms with the death and strengthen the bond between you. Because you will both need emotional support and help dealing with the practical issues of daily life, however, it will probably be comforting to have a good friend or a close relative come and stay at your home to help out.
It’s possible that your child may have irrational ideas about why his father died—he didn’t have any food or he went out without a coat. Or he may blame it on himself and his “magical” thinking: “Daddy died because I was mad at him because he didn’t take me to the zoo.” Such misguided notions need to be dug out and dispelled; to do this, you will have to encourage your toddler to talk about (or draw about) what he’s feeling. Don’t be disturbed if you see yours playing make-believe dead teddy bear or cemetery. Often, children work out their feelings about the loss of a loved one through drawing or play. Such games are appropriate in the context of a recent exposure to death. (If they continue for months or totally occupy your child’s time, however, consult his doctor.)
TALKING ABOUT DEATH
While healthier attitudes about other once-suppressed subjects—sexuality, for instance—are on the rise, death is still too often taboo, veiled in euphemisms or voiced in hushed tones.
But this kind of approach is confusing and scary to children. So when the need arises to talk to your child about death—the death of a person your child knows, of a pet or a neighbor’s pet, or of someone on a TV program—be honest and open. Avoid all euphemisms, and use the correct terminology as needed. Referring to death as “going away” or “going to sleep” isn’t only likely to instill in a child unfounded fears of travel and bedtime, but unfounded hope that the dead person or animal will return or awaken. Eventually, when the child does discover the truth, the pain is compounded by the betrayal of having been lied to.
Shape your explanation in very simple terms that your toddler can make some sense of, keeping in mind that there’s no way that a child this young can truly comprehend death. For example, you can say: “Grandma died. Grandma is dead. Grandma can’t come and see us anymore. That makes us very sad.” This should suffice for a very young toddler, though for many of them even these simple words will have little meaning. For a two- or three-year-old you can add: “When someone dies, their body stops working and stops moving, they don’t need to eat, sleep, or breathe, and then they aren’t alive anymore.” Supply details only if asked for.
An older toddler may wonder, “Where is Grandma now?” Respond (at a moment when you’re not too distraught yourself to talk about it) by explaining that her body is in a box called a coffin in a safe place, a cemetery. If you have religious or philosophical ideas about death you want to pass along, you can add those, too. But keep them as simple as you can, and make sure they won’t frighten or mislead your child. Before you offer any explanations, you’ll need to consider that young children are extremely literal and can misconstrue almost anything. If you say that “Grandma is in heaven,” your child may ask, “Can we go and visit?” Make it clear that only dead people can go there and that they can’t come back. Even if you believe it, don’t say that a person who died was taken by God because God loved him or her so much; the child may then fear that God will take you or another favorite person, too.
The most difficult—but probably the most important—aspect of death for young children to grasp is its permanence. When told that Mrs. Smith’s dog died, a child may ask, “When is he going to stop being dead so I can play with him?” Having mastered the concept of object permanence (things are still there even if we can’t see them; Mommy and Daddy go to work but they come back), it’s hard to comprehend that there’s no coming back from death—that the person or the animal that they knew is permanently gone.
Children often have very farfetched notions about death. If your child is verbal, try to find out what he or she is thinking by asking: “What do you think ‘dead’ is?” Then try to dispel any misconceptions. Even if your child can’t verbalize his or her thoughts, reading some books together that deal with death at a level a young child can understand may help.
Young children sometimes blame themselves for what happens in their lives; it’s important for them to know that it isn’t their fault when someone close to them dies.
Don’t discourage your child from talking about the death or the dead person or animal if he or she wants to, but don’t press such conversation, either, if your child doesn’t seem interested. Young children should be allowed to mourn in their own way (which is likely to be very different from the way adults mourn). But swapping memories (“Remember the way Aunt Irene used to bring us oatmeal cookies every time she came to visit?”) can be therapeutic for both child and parent, helping to evoke pleasant memories of the person.
