What to Expect the Toddler Years (136 page)

To improve your toddler’s ability to follow directions, give her a few lessons. Use a game format so she can have fun while gaining expertise. For instance, lay out an assembly line on the kitchen table (“Okay, first pick up the piece of apple. Good. Now, dip it in the yogurt. Great. Now roll it in the granola.”). Or set up an obstacle course on the living room floor (“First jump over the sponge. Good. Now, pick up the block. Great. Now, hand it to me. Terrific. Now, sit down on the chair.”). Even a simplified game of Simon Says (“Simon says, ‘Put your hands on your head.’ Simon says, ‘Lie down on the floor.’ Simon says, ‘Lift your legs.’”) can get your toddler in the habit of following directions.

Keep directions clear and simple. Sweeping directives (such as “clean up your room,” when the room is a hopeless jumble) are way beyond the ability of a toddler to carry out, without further, more specific instructions. Instead, issue very concise instructions for room cleanup one step at a time (“Please put your dirty clothes in the hamper”; “Put your teddy back on the bed”; “Now put all your markers into the red basket”). Be sure she has enough information to follow your directives: for example, which are her dirty clothes, and where the hamper
is. Wait until she’s satisfactorily completed one step (and you’ve congratulated her on her success) before sending her on to the next.

Of course, even when a toddler understands and is capable of following directions, she won’t always comply. Stubbornness and a desire to march to her own drummer will often prompt your toddler to ignore your instructions. But don’t worry about how she’s going to do at preschool. She is much more likely to follow directions there—a whole classroom of other children will be following the same directions at the same time, and there will be no parent-child power struggle to engage in—than when she is at home. If she doesn’t, and if she continues to be uncooperative at home, see the tips on page 413.

A typical two-year-old should be able to follow a two-step command (“Pick up that book and give it to me, please”), given without any suggestive gestures (such as pointing to the book or putting your hand out to take it), at least some of the time. If your toddler seems unable to do this, talk to her doctor to see if there may be a hearing or developmental problem that needs addressing.

“Every morning we have the same problem: Our son has to be dragged to his preschool crying. He seems happy when we pick him up, and sometimes even doesn’t want to leave. But we’re worried that maybe he doesn’t like school.”

Chances are your toddler’s resistance isn’t a sign that he doesn’t like school, but rather that the daily transition from home to school is difficult. Even seemingly insignificant transitions (from playing to eating dinner, for instance) can be tough on toddlers; bigger transitions (such as going from home to school) can be even more so. For more on separation anxiety and day care, see page 146.

As long as his arrival protests are short-lived, and your toddler seems to enjoy the time he spends at school, there’s nothing to worry about. Typically, there’s a gradual decrease in clinginess (and crying) as a child becomes acclimated to his new routine and the school setting. This process takes longer for some children than for others, and some continue having troublesome home-to-school transitions for a year or two into their school careers. Here’s how you can help:

Make sure he has enough time before school to wake up (a tired child tends to be clingier) and to eat a good breakfast (a hungry child will also be clingier). And be sure he doesn’t get hurried out of the house without a couple of good, warm hugs and some friendly conversation (as hard as it may be to squeeze these in on hectic mornings).

Let him bring a little piece of home along. A favorite blanket, a special stuffed animal, or a toy to hold onto (it’s no coincidence they are often called “transitional objects”) can help bridge the gap between home and school, as such items did for many younger toddlers when they first went off to day care. If your toddler’s school has a policy against bringing toys from home into the school setting, or if he’s uncomfortable about sharing his special possessions with the other children, suggest that he bring them into the school building, but leave them in his cubby. If the school won’t even allow that, assure him that his “blankie” or “teddy” or whatever will wait for him in the car or stroller until school is over.

Let him bring a little piece of you along. Separating from you may be easier if you give him something of yours for the day: a handkerchief, a wallet with old credit cards in it, a hat, a photo, a picture you drew, even a “kiss” of lipstick on his hand.

Stay upbeat; don’t anticipate trouble. Instead of admonishing your toddler on the way to school with “Now, let’s not have any crying today!” (which may only inspire a repeat performance), use the travel time to help get your toddler into the preschool frame of mind, so that he can begin to make the transition before he walks in the door. See who can name the most kids in his class; talk about what he might have for snack; ask him whose cubby is next to his, what’s his favorite storybook, with which classmates he likes to play.

Put on a happy face. Give the impression that you’re confident about leaving your toddler at school and that you’re sure he’ll have a good time, even if you’re not. Any trace of your nervousness or anxiety will have him wondering “If Mommy’s worried about my staying here, there must be something to worry about.” If he thinks you’re ambivalent about leaving him, he’ll be ambivalent about staying.

Don’t feel guilty, overly sympathetic, or apologetic (you’re not sending him to Siberia). If you waver at all, he’ll play to those feelings and you’ll feel even worse.

Be supportive, not critical. Your support builds your child’s confidence, criticism erodes it.

Arrive early so your toddler can get involved and settled before being overwhelmed by other kids, and so the teacher will be more available to help with his transition.

Linger in his classroom. Usually, spending a few minutes walking around the classroom with your toddler can help him to feel more confident about the transition. It can also give him a sense of pride and ownership about school. Make sure there’s extra time in your schedule so that you won’t feel or act rushed. Don’t concentrate on the clock instead of what your toddler is showing you. Ask questions (“Is this where you play dress-up? What’s your favorite costume?”), make observations (“This water table looks like fun!” “Look at all those blocks!”), compliment any of your toddler’s art projects that are hanging on the walls (“I really like the beautiful colors in your picture”). After you’ve made the rounds, ask your toddler which activity he’d like to begin the day with (unless, of course, the activity has been chosen by the teachers) and sit down with him for a couple of minutes while he gets started.