What to Expect the Toddler Years (129 page)

In the third year, there’s often still a sizable gap between what a toddler
wants
to do and what a toddler
can
do. Providing lots of opportunities for practice helps close that gap.

. . . will probably be able to:

identify 4 pictures by naming

. . . may possibly be able to:

draw a vertical line in imitation

balance on each foot for 1 second

identify a friend by name

. . . may even be able to:

balance on each foot for 2 seconds

identify 1 color

describe the use of 2 objects

use two adjectives

broad jump

“Our son is the first grandchild on both sides. He has everything a child could ever want in the way of clothes, books, and toys. He’s very well behaved and doesn’t whine or have tantrums. But we’re worried that if we don’t say ‘no’ enough, we’ll spoil him and he’ll end up a brat.”

There’s no doubt that the word “no” has its place in a parent’s vocabulary (“
No
hitting!” “
No
more cookies,” “
No,
don’t touch the hot stove!”). The judicious use of “no”—particularly where health, safety, and fairness are concerned—is essential to raising a caring, responsible individual. Nevertheless, having spared some “no’s” doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve been spoiling your child.

In fact, it doesn’t sound as though you’ve got a brat in the making. Signs of overindulgence (or the wrong kind of indulgence) are usually not hard to miss, and from your description, it doesn’t appear that your son’s exhibiting any of them. To help keep it that way:

Don’t say “yes” for the wrong reasons
. Giving your son all that he needs—as long as you have the means to do so—isn’t an error in and of itself. And saying “yes” to a reasonable request or a justifiable purchase isn’t, either. But both giving and giving in, for the wrong reasons—to keep a child happy; to avoid a confrontation; to satisfy your own unrequited childhood longings (“I never had a train set, but by golly, my son’s going to have one!”); or to compensate for time you can’t spend with him, to name a few—can lead to problems. Giving your child so much so often that getting starts to become a given can not only take the fun out of receiving, but can create a “gimme monster” who doesn’t know how to delay gratification. (Which could translate into more serious problems, especially in the teen years.)

Say “no” for the right reasons.
The arbitrary use of the word “no” can be confusing and ego deflating to a child. By all means, say “no” when there’s a
good reason to say it (your child wants a swing set and you don’t have a backyard; your child wants a new pail and shovel he’s spied in the store and he already has a perfectly good one at home; your child wants to watch television all day), not because you have a feeling that you haven’t said it enough lately.

Don’t just say “no.”
Except when time is of the essence (as when a child runs into the street) don’t just say “no”—say “why,” too. Though your toddler won’t always be able to understand or accept your explanations, he will eventually catch on to their significance, if you make them simple and appropriate to his level of comprehension. Don’t, for example, detail your financial troubles to a two-year-old who’s requested a life-size stuffed animal you can’t afford. Instead explain, “That elephant costs a lot of money. I’m sure you would like to have it, but we need to use our money for food and clothing and can’t spend it all on toys.”

Realize that more is sometimes too much.
While the boy who has everything isn’t necessarily spoiled, the boy who has more than he needs or can possibly use often becomes either overwhelmed (with so many toys, he doesn’t know what to do) or jaded (he has so many toys that they become uniformly boring). And long-term overindulgence can result in a child who can’t take “no” for an answer, and who responds to rejection with anger, tears, or acting out. In other words, a spoiled brat.

Help him to experience the joys of giving.
Since early childhood is a very egocentric stage, young children can’t be expected to acknowledge that it’s better to give than to receive. But that doesn’t mean you can’t start modeling this concept through good-hearted example. When you can, include your toddler in your efforts to help others less fortunate (see page 212); tell him how good you feel when you do these kind deeds. In addition, enable him to experience the joy of giving closer to home: Buying or making a special gift for Grandma’s birthday, for example, and watching her face light up when he presents it, or making a Valentine’s Day card for Daddy, and surprising him with it at breakfast.