What if I Fly? (24 page)

The other secretaries took her under their wing, mothering her throughout her pregnancy, issuing advice on parenting. They became her family, her support system in Italy. Most of the women are married, some mothers, a couple are grandmothers. Mariana, the woman Julia met in the courtyard collecting letters outside Juliet’s house, became her closest friend and confidant.

Julia’s wanted to call Will so many times to share the news, but something stopped her. She prayed every day for months that he’d come to his senses, break off his engagement, and find her. But he never did.

It was Gabby who called to tell her she saw his wedding announcement in the newspaper about six weeks before her due date. Julia was silent and hung up the phone, and then lay in her bed and cried.

Her prayers hadn’t been answered. They’ll never be a family. He’ll never know his child and their baby will never know him. That was more upsetting to her than anything. But she didn’t wallow in these thoughts for too long. She had his baby to prepare for, and she couldn’t wait to meet him.

Her mother was by her side during the delivery. She’d flown to Italy two weeks before Julia’s due date, and stayed for two weeks after his birth. When the nurse placed Liam on her chest, he grasped her pinky and looked into her eyes. It was the most beautiful moment of her life. Every ounce of pain she’d ever endured was worth it to experience the joy of holding her son.

Oh Will, I wish you were here to see him. He’s perfect.

Julia believes Will would leave Avery if he knew about his son, but that’s not enough for her anymore. She doesn’t want him to hand over his life to them as a sacrifice, carrying his heavy cross of guilt and self-loathing, a black cloud over them all.

No! Liam is better off without his father under those circumstances. She’ll do anything to protect her son from Will’s toxic relationship with Avery. Until he makes peace with himself and is completely free from Avery’s tangled web, Will can’t be part of their lives.
We deserve more
.

Julia’s had a constant stream of visitors since the baby was born and she’s exhausted. No one expects her to take them sightseeing, but meeting the demands of a newborn and interacting with grown ups day and night has taken its toll.

She’s a zombie and tries to rest when the baby sleeps, but finds it almost impossible. Before he was born, Julia could sleep soundly through a thunderstorm, now she wakes up every time Liam makes the slightest sound.

No one ever told her how difficult the transition into motherhood would be. It’s a well kept secret with good reason. No one would volunteer for this job if they knew how hard it was going to be in advance.

Julia adores her son, but sometimes she fights back the urge to run away from her life. For someone who’s incredibly good at being alone, bearing sole responsibility for the health and wellbeing of another human is overwhelming.

Gabby flew to Italy for a visit three weeks after Liam was born, the day after her father and Sandra left. Julia was lying in bed, trying to get some much needed rest while Gabby rocked the baby.

“Are you going to tell him?” Gabby asks, placing the pacifier in Liam’s mouth.

“Hmm?” Julia murmurs half asleep, “Tell who, what?”

“Will.” Gabby smiles and coos at Liam, “Are you going to tell Will he’s a father?”

Julia never told anyone Will is Liam’s father, not even Gabby. When she asked, Julia changed the subject. She’s sure her mother and best friend figured it out before his birth, but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words out loud.

Turns out, she didn’t need to, the resemblance is so strong. One look at Liam, and it’s clear to anyone who knows Will, he’s the father of her child. He’s a beautiful baby with Will’s sea blue eyes and blond hair, and her soft curls and olive complexion. There’s no point denying it.

She sits up in bed, then turns to Gabby and shakes her head.

“Do you think that’s fair to him?” she asks.

“No.”

“Then why?” Gabby scowls.

“Well,” she sighs. “The obvious reason is he’s married. But far worse than that is who he’s married to. Would you expose your child to that woman? Suppose he found out and chose to stay with Avery? Fought me for joint custody? No, Gabby! She’ll never get near my baby.”

“I understand your concern, Julia. But one day, Liam’s going to want to know about his father. He’ll see Will’s name on his birth certificate and he’ll find him. How do you think Will’s going to react when he discovers you kept his son from him?” Gabby asks.

“Neither of them will ever know,” Julia says, folding her arms across her chest.

“Of course they will! It’s on his birth certificate!”

“No, it’s not…I put
father unknown
.”

“You did not!”

The baby cries and Julia reaches for Liam. She looks down at her son and smiles.

“For him? Yes I did.”

PART III

GLIDING

2001

Chapter Twenty

Tonight, Will and Avery are celebrating their fifth wedding anniversary. His wife has organized a party and no less than two hundred people will be attending. A huge tent is set up in his yard and caterers and other workers have been in and out of the house all day. This blessed celebration has a hefty price tag, but it’s still only a fraction of the amount Avery’s mother spent on their wedding extravaganza.

Will had left all of the wedding arrangements to Avery and her mother and had no idea what was in store for him. He tried not to think about their nuptials in the weeks leading up to the big day. He knew they were getting married at St. Margaret’s in Bristol, and the reception was being held at her mother’s house in Newport. She lives in a mini mansion off Bellevue Avenue with a rolling lawn extending to the Atlantic.

He wasn’t at all prepared for the five hundred guests in attendance, over half of whom he’d never met. His wedding day was over the top and completely overwhelming, just like Avery. He would have preferred a small wedding with just close family and friends, but no one asked what he wanted.

After the obligatory first dance with his bride, the champagne toasts and the cutting of the cake, Will took a walk alone by the water, desperate to escape the circus meant to celebrate their true love. He thought of Julia across the ocean and wondered where she was that day.

Paris? Stockholm? London? Is she thinking about me?

She said she’d be in Europe for over a year and had at least five months before she returned to the States. He’s wanted to call her so many times, but has no way of reaching her. And what would he say if he could?

Ellie was true to her word. She did not attend their wedding. Kevin did, and when people asked where she was, he said she had food poisoning, but Will knew the truth. Ellie hardly spoke to him for close to a year, and she steers clear of Avery entirely. She said she’ll never understand how both he and Peter ended up with elitist snobs for wives.

Ellie and Kevin bought a house around the corner from his place and over time, their relationship has gradually improved, especially since the birth of her children. Will adores his niece and nephews and spends as much time with them as possible, but he isn’t nearly as close to his twin as he was before his marriage. He doesn’t think they’ll ever be that close again.

He’d rather spend a quiet evening at home with his dog, Max, than attend this anniversary soiree, but he’s used to these events by now. This is par for the course. Avery expects the best of everything, loves throwing parties and is high-maintenance in every aspect,
but one
.

Emotionally, Avery demands nothing of him. For this one thing, he is thankful.

In exchange for his emotional detachment, he will gladly work eighty-hour weeks to support her lifestyle.

They now own two homes, the house in Bristol and another on the island of Nantucket, off the coast of Cape Cod. At first he balked when she suggested they buy a second home, but then he found an old whaling captain’s house on the island during one of his solo morning walks. He called the real estate agent and went to see it the same day. It was a fixer-upper but he fell in love with it and made an offer, without consulting his wife.

They rarely argue, but this was one of the few occasions they fought. She thinks is old and drafty and would have preferred one of the newer homes built near the beach. Avery couldn’t understand how he could make such a purchase without her consent, and in the end Will conceded she had a point.

But he kept the house.

She dislikes it so much she stays with friends on the island, refusing to step foot in the house. Will prefers it this way. His little captain’s house on Orange Street is his oasis, where he recharges and can relax free from Avery’s social demands.

It needed tons of work when he bought it and he’s been doing all the work himself. It’s exactly what he needed, a huge project to distract himself. Most weekends he brings Max with him and works through his frustration laying brick, sanding floors, hanging sheetrock, refinishing the woodwork, and replacing shingles.

Other than the time he spends with his niece and nephews, working on his house on Nantucket is when he feels closest to happy.

His wife travels extensively. He joins Avery and his family in Aspen after Christmas every year, and splits his weekends between Nantucket and Bristol, but other than that he doesn’t travel much.

She’s been to Europe several times since they married, but he refuses to go with her. He associates Europe with Julia and doesn’t want to go back. Avery doesn’t seem to mind, she has plenty of friends to accompany her on her voyages. In the past five years he figures they’ve spent as much time apart as they have together.

He’s been told time and time again that he and Avery are the perfect couple, with a fairytale life.
People are blind.
If anyone bothered to scratch a fraction of an inch below the surface, it’d be painfully obvious how hollow their lives really are.
Not that he wants anyone to scratch!
Ellie and Kevin know, he’s sure, but keeping everyone in the dark has become an art form.

His life is an endless round of parties, dinners, galas, and yachting events. All he has to do is remember to smile and nod and no one seems to notice his unhappiness.

Avery, on the other hand, is perfectly satisfied with their life together, just the way it is. She says she wouldn’t change a thing, that they are ‘blessed’. He doesn’t know which is worse, that she truly believes they’re happy in this shell of a marriage, or the possibility that she’s aware it’s a hollow partnership and simply doesn’t care.

He has one real friend, Tommy, the owner of the Hope Diner. Will has season tickets to the Red Sox and he and Tommy go to Fenway often. They’ve never discussed Julia, it’s an unspoken understanding between them, though he’s sure Tommy has seen her over the years, and Julia’s father goes into the diner all the time. Will’s seen him there on several occasions, but has never introduced himself. What would be the point?

Will wants to have children of his own, at least then he’d have someone to love, but so far they haven’t had any luck. They already know she can get pregnant, but something’s going on and he wants answers. Whenever he suggests they go to a fertility specialist, Avery makes an excuse.

It’s been five years, clearly there’s a problem.

He takes note of when she gets her period and counts the days on a calendar to figure out when she’ll be most fertile. If she’s in town, he makes sure they have sex at least twice during that three day period. It’s pretty much the only time they do have sex now, and for Will, it’s just a means to an end.

***

Julia and Liam moved back to the United States in May. Her father’s had a few health issues this past year and she’s been gone long enough. She loved every minute she spent in Europe over the past six years, but she misses home, and she wants her son to be closer to his grandparents.

They’ve visited her family every year since Liam was born, staying with her mother and stepfather, Ron, for the month of August so her parents can celebrate Liam’s birthday. It means a lot to them. Her baby has helped heal the rifts between her parents, and between herself and Sandra. They adore their grandson and are putty in his little hands.

Liam’s turning five this summer, and will be starting kindergarten in September. She can’t believe how quickly the time has flown.
My baby is growing up!

Spending so much time in Rhode Island every summer has been tricky. Gabby found out Will moved back to Bristol before he got married when she bumped into him at the grocery store shortly after Liam was born. They spoke briefly, Will asked about Julia and Gabby let him know she decided to stay in Europe indefinitely. She said Will nodded his head, his face forlorn and walked away.

Julia’s paranoid she’ll bump into one of the Kennedys, so she avoids public places and visits friends at their houses. No restaurants, no parades, no parks on the East Bay. If she does have to run out she leaves Liam with someone and drives two towns over to decrease the possibility of bumping into anyone. So far, she’s been lucky.

Gabby thinks she’s being ridiculous, believes Julia should live her life openly and let the cards fall where they may. She’s hoping the cards fall directly into Will’s lap, that he’ll have an epiphany and leave his wife for Julia, miraculously guilt-free. Gabby doesn’t know Will very well at all. It would be a disaster of epic proportions. Will’s world would completely unravel and who would be there to pick up the pieces?
Not me!

She’s renting a small cottage on the East Side of Providence, near Wayland Square and the location is ideal for their purposes. They’re walking distance to pretty much everything they need in the city. There’s a Whole Foods a couple of blocks away, a farmer’s market a short walk up Blackstone Boulevard, bookstores and restaurants, a Starbucks, and a small gated park next to their house where Liam can run free with other children from the neighborhood.

They are creating a life for themselves in Providence. She loves the East Side, and it’s far enough from Bristol, she’s decreased the probability of bumping into anyone from Will’s family considerably.

Julia accepted a part time position at a private school nearby, teaching history three mornings a week and starts in September. The main reason she applied for the position is the faculty discount. Liam will be attending kindergarten there and she receives a fifty percent tuition reduction, well worth the twenty hours a week she’ll spend teaching and planning lessons.

She also writes freelance articles occasionally for various academic journals and works part-time for the Rhode Island Historical Society. Her life is busy, and she’s content.

On Friday nights, Liam sleeps at either her mom or dad’s house, freeing her up to go out with or without friends, or simply relax with a glass of wine and watch a movie, knowing she won’t be interrupted by the pitter patter of little feet.

Saturday mornings she takes yoga at the YMCA, runs errands, and gets in a little reading or writing. It’s been wonderful having her family so close by.

This week, her mother and Ron dropped Liam off at four in the afternoon. They’ve been married for four years now and Julia’s so happy her mother met such a kind man. Ron’s wonderful with Liam and her son loves his ‘Bampy.’ 

Julia waves as they drive away and gathers Liam into her arms, kissing his forehead.
God, I miss him when he’s gone!
At the same time she’s grateful for the alone time. It’s the paradox of motherhood.

When she was in Italy, her friend Mariana babysat Liam while she worked, and the other secretaries gladly watched him when she needed additional childcare. She’s fortunate to have so many wonderful people in her life.

She knew she’d come back home eventually, that she’d reach a point and know it was time. Her father having two surgeries in one year was that point. Her parents aren’t going to be around forever and as much as she misses Italy, she’s glad to be back home.

“Mama, I want to go to the park.”

“You got it little man.” She grabs her water bottle and his juice box and they walk up the street together.

As soon as Julia swings open the heavy wrought iron gate, Liam runs across the park and up the hill to join a group of children gathered there. Julia doesn’t recognize a few of them, but the rest are from the neighborhood.

Taking a sip of water, she sits on a bench in the shade and watches him play. The park is loaded with donated toys and Liam’s got his hands on a yellow plastic dump truck. He’s pushing the truck up the hill, filling it with rocks, then rolling it back down to the sandbox. This should keep him occupied for another hour, she figures. She closes her eyes and smiles to herself.

When someone sits beside her on the bench a moment later, Julia opens her eyes to say hello, expecting to find one of the neighborhood moms. Instead, her mouth opens, her voice catching in her throat.

“Ellie! Oh my god!” Her heart races as she scans the park for Liam, and locates him on top of the hill.
This can’t be happening
.

“I can’t believe it’s you!” Ellie wraps her arms around her, “It’s so good to see you, Jules! When did you get back?”

“From Europe?” Her hands have turned to ice, “Last month. I’d heard you and Kevin moved to Bristol. What’re you doing here in Providence?”

“I’m here with the kids,” Ellie waves her hand toward the hill. “We had a play date at a friend’s house. She lives a few streets over and we decided to stop here on our way home. I love this park.”

What are the chances?
There are dozens of these little parks scattered around town, and Ellie comes to this one. She knew this day would come, despite her precautions. It was inevitable living in such a small state, but she never considered what she would say.

Liam is playing with Ellie’s kids right now.
His cousins
. She never thought about Liam having cousins, but he does… three of them. Ellie’s children are beautiful, with light brown skin, and soft brown curly hair.