What Brings Me to You (40 page)

              We hit the bar of the closed restaurant and Brooke swishes behind it effortlessly while I sit on one of our chrome and leather bar stools. She makes us each a dirty martini, though she wouldn’t know that I actually hate martinis and joins me in an adjacent stool.

              “How are you, Charley?”

              “I’m better. I feel awful that I took so much time --“

              “Nonsense.” She says with a flick of her wrist and a sip of her martini. “Considering the circumstances,” she shakes her head and taps her fingers on the bar as if she’s contemplating finishing her sentence. This behavior is so uncharacteristic of the Brooke I know. Each second that she doesn’t say what she’s brought me out here for is another second I’ve shaved off of my life due to the anxiety.

              “I know what he did,” she says just barely above a whisper. She isn’t looking at me but has her eyes trained on the lip of the bar. I suck in a deep breath. I haven’t talked about what you and Lacey did with anyone except for Markus and Collette…and Teddy. I know eventually people will be brave enough to ask me like Brooke is, I just wasn’t prepared for it. I breathe out slowly so that I can answer her without my voice shaking.

              “Yes. Unfortunately, everyone knows. It’s in the past I guess.”

              “No, no, I’m not talking about Lacey and your husband, though, may I say that what he did, what she did, was utterly despicable and you’re a brave young woman to be so graceful about it.”

              “Thank you, Brooke.” Her approval still makes my heart swell with pride, even over something like this. “If we’re not talking about Jaime, then who?”

              “I’m talking about my son.” I almost fall off of my bar stool. Brooke, for years, has been careful about what she reveals about Teddy. She would talk to me about something he said or some gift he gave her when she was sick, but never once did she mention the first time she and I met or the nature of my relationship with Teddy. Never. Now, years later, after my husband dies cheating with her daughter in law, a week after Teddy and I speak for the first time…I’m dizzy. “Charley, are you okay? You look pale.”

              “I’m fine, ma’am.” I reach for the stem of my glass and take a big gulp. The vodka burns my throat like acid and roils at the bottom of my empty stomach, but I let the burn bring me back to the present. “What Teddy, did… or didn’t do…it was an impossible situation for him to be in. I don’t blame him for not saying anything.” I mean every word, though it sounds like an empty canned answer coming out of my mouth.

              “I couldn’t agree more. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

I take another gulp of my martini. “I’m not following.”

              “What he did about your brothers. About Paul. About your mother.”

              “Pardon?”

              “Everything. How he orchestrated the whole thing, even all of this,” she says as she waves her perfectly manicured hand encompassingly. The vodka is starting to tangle my brain but things are beginning to click into place. Brooke must see this because she’s looking a bit mortified. “Oh my, I think I may have overstepped a bit.” I can’t let her not tell me though. I have to know.

              “No! No. Brooke, please,” I place my hand on top of hers. Imploringly. “Tell me what are you talking about.” I can see in her face she’s conflicted about what to reveal and I know here well enough that if she doesn’t know what to say, she’ll say nothing. She’s going to close the door on this and I cannot let her. “Brooke,” I say trying to control the slur in my speech. “Brooke listen to me. I’m sure you already know this, but I saw Teddy for the first time in a long time last week.” She nods her assent once. “He told me he loves me. Rather that he
still
loves me. That he’s always loved me. Did you know that, too?” She nods again. “Well, and I can’t believe I’m saying this to you, I think…it’s possible…I could feel the same way,” her face cracks into a smile I’ve never seen. The kind of proud, hopeful, relieved smile you get when you graduate high school or finish a test. “It’s all so…” I don’t want to say new. It’s anything but new between he and I but this time it’s different. “It’s not like it was then, and I’m confused. He said some things that didn’t make sense to me the other day…I’m…I’m just so confused right now, Brooke. Please. Tell me what you know. Please.”

              We have two more martinis a piece and she tells me everything that he did for me. When it’s over and I finally know everything, I feel like Elizabeth Bennett. Teddy is my Darcy. Then, in front of Brooke with my head on the bar, I cry like a baby out of shame and guilt for pushing him away again. 

*****

              I have to get to him. I have to get to him this instant or I’m going to come apart. Brooke is worried about me driving after three martinis, but I’ve never had a clearer mind than I do right now.
I love him. I love him. I love him.
It was always Teddy.  Even after I married you, Jaime. I’d see him come into the restaurant. I couldn’t look at him but I knew he was there. I’d walk by his table and hope beyond hope that the feeling would go away but it never did. I was his. I am his. I’ve always been his.

              In the car I call my mother because she’s known all these years what I’ve only just figured out.

              “Mom you knew about Teddy, didn’t you.” I pant into the receiver, frantically hitting my turn signal to pull out on the main road from the restaurant.

              “Knew what, Charley?” She’s hedging. She doesn’t want to inadvertently reveal anything that I may not already know, but I know it all.

              “Mom! Just stop, okay? He’s been taking care of you. All this time. He got Paul fired and gave you a way to get out. He s-saved you. That’s why you’re so close to him. That’s why you still talk.” My voice is wavering. Teddy saved  my mother.

              “Charley…”

              “Why didn’t you tell me it was him mom?”

              “He didn’t want you to know. He made me promise not to tell you until he was ready to.”

              “Oh my god.”

              “I hated lying to you, but I owe him a lot, Charley and I feel awful for how miserable he seems.”              

              “Because of me.”

              “No, sweetheart. You deserved to go out and live your life. I had my share of sugar daddies who treated me like garbage. I didn’t want you to fall into the same trap with Teddy. I was happy that you had Jaime who would be your partner, but I so clearly misread it all. I just wanted to protect you from my mistakes, but you made them anyway. I’m so sorry, Charley.”

              “It’s…it’s okay mom. It’s not your fault.” I pull up to the gated condominium complex and use the key card mom gave me to get in. “Listen mom, I’m not angry. I’m happy that you’re well taken care of. We can talk later, I’ve got to go.”

              I drive past her condo and glance at the sheet of paper with his address that Brooke gave me not thirty minutes ago. His condo is huge and there’s a call button instead of a doorbell. I ring. No answer. “Teddy”, I say in the intercom, “Teddy it’s Charley, look I really need you to let me in. Teddy. I’m sorry I’ve been so blind. I’m sorry I was so angry. Teddy I know now all of the things you’ve done. I can’t even explain it, really, my gratitude toward you. How you’ve taken care of my mother all this time. Teddy. I love you please open the --“ as if on cue the door opens and a squat Hispanic woman stares me down with one hand on her hip.

              “Yes?”

              “Hi, I’m…I’m sorry…I’m Charley Feinman, I’m looking for Teddy.” I’m trying to see in behind her to anything that might give me a clue that this is his place, but she’s taking up the entire entryway.

              “Mr. Holmes is no here. Was he expecting you?” With her accent it sounds more like “
esspecting
”. She asks eying me wearily.

              “No.” She rolls her eyes at me and quickly tries to shut the door. I shove my hand in at the last second which only succeeds in pissing her off.

              “Ay, Lady! I don’t know who you are but this is private property!”

              “Please. Please let me see him.”

              “I tole you he’s not here!”

              “I’ll wait, then. Just…please.”

              “Charley Feinman  huh?” She eyes me again and then peeks down the street in the direction of my mother’s condo. I know she’s made the connection, then. “Alright,” she concedes. “Come in.”

              She leads me to the living area of the open floor plan while she busies herself in the kitchen. It’s clear there’s nothing for her to do there but it’s the only place where she can watch me without me knowing it. I use the time to take in my surroundings, his surroundings, from his plush leather sectional. The apartment is lavish; hardwood floors, big windows all modern, expensive appliances. The place doesn’t seem too in, like he’s been a guest in his own home.That’s when I notice the boxes. There are boxes everywhere. Some marked others not, some half full and opened, a sealed pair by the door.

              “So are you a friend?” She asks with a tape gun in her hand.

              “Sort of,” he says from behind me. I stand and whip my head around to face him. He’s dressed from work in dark chinos that hug his still muscular legs, light blue oxford shirt that brings out his already too blue eyes rolled up at the sleeves, showing off the most tantalizingly sinewy forearms, and an old, green University of Miami tie. His honey-colored hair is disheveled in that I’ve had a rough day but I’m still sexy as hell kind of way. We’re so far apart. He’s standing stock still at the door in the entryway. I’m standing across the room in front of his sofa, my eyes locked onto his. His face is unreadable, his jaw kicking on the side like he’s grinding his teeth. Is he happy? Is he pissed? His expression is saying a little of both right now and I’m so mad at myself that I can’t read him anymore. “We’ve known of each other for a long time Rosa.” He throws his keys on a table by the door without tearing his eyes away. Rosa’s eyes are bouncing frantically from him to me and back again from the kitchen, waiting for one of us to say something. I am too. “Rosa, why don’t you take off for the day?” he says swallowing hard.

              “But I still need to --“

              “I think you’ve done enough for today.” His tone is clipped, the meaning clear: he doesn’t want me here.

              “Yes sir,” she said head bowed then edges past him out the door without a backward glance. I watch her leave but Teddy keeps his eyes trained on me. When the door clicks shut, the silence between us is unbearable.”

              “Did you just move in?” I ask, finally finding my voice. That seems to break the taut line of tension between us and pushes him out of his daze.

              “What are you doing here, Charley?” He breathes.

              “I had to see you,” though ironically as the words leave my mouth I can’t look at him more and instead look at my feet.”

              “Why? Is everything okay? Is mom okay? Is your mom okay?”

              “She’s fine. They’re fine, no…I just…. I wanted to see you.”

              “Oh?”

              “Teddy --“ my voice is catching. I’m going to break down into sobs any minute.

              “Charley what is it?” I haven’t looked up at him but his voice is so much nearer, I can see the tops of his worn out brown oxfords.

              “I know what you did. Everything. You…you were there. You were thinking of me, watching me, protecting me all those years. It’s been so long, Teddy.” I want to look at him but I know once I do I’m going to cry and I have to get this out. “I’m not the girl you remember. I can’t fall into the same trap that I fell into with Jaime. I need a partner, not a savior.” His hands are on my shoulders, the simple touch is making my flesh heat. He places a finger underneath my chin to force me to look at him. I resist.

              “Charley,” he says in a way that seems unimaginably tender. “Look at me, please.” I do and it’s almost too much. There’s so much uncommunicated in his face. Each expression blinking by for  a second before being replaced with another one. Even though he’s touching me, I can’t get a read on him. “I know you’re not the same girl, baby. You’re better. You turned out to be the woman I hoped you’d see yourself to be. I always knew you were strong, Charley, but now I think you do too.”

              “What about you? You’re not a lost boy anymore. You’re so clearly a man who found his way. Without me.”

              “No Charley. Don’t you see? I found my way
because
of you. Because you believed in me. Do you still?”

              “Yes.” I barely finish the word before his mouth is on mine. Soft, gentle, hungry. All of the electricity from when we were young, all of the anticipation of our dance around each other’s lives for years, crackles and explodes between us. He’s clinging to my face like I’m a mirage, I’m clutching the back of his shirt so fiercely that I could rip it off. I kind of want to. I realize that I’ve never wanted anyone like I want Teddy,  not now and not when we were young. What I didn’t know then was what we have is real.  That the people search their entire lives for the kind of magnetic draw Teddy and I feel toward each other. The pull that scared me so much I ran away. The pull I missed so much I hurt myself trying to recreate it with you.