What Brings Me to You (17 page)

              "Charley, we need to talk about this." His voice was a practiced, steady, calm thinly veiling an underlying heat.     

              "What's there to talk about?" I stood with a hand on the doorknob and the other on my hip.     

              "Jesus, Charley, what was  that all about back there?"

              "Excuse me?" Right up to that point I held out the hope that Teddy would stand up for me. I'd hoped he would envelop me in his long, sturdy arms. Hoped he'd kiss my forehead and tell me that they were all  jerks and he was sorry that I had to go through that kind of ordeal. "You're angry with     
me
?"

              "Kind of, yes. You made a pretty big scene there. You really      embarrassed      my dad and his CFO in front of some important people."      Hope shattered.     

              "Teddy," my voice coming out strained because, suddenly, I wasn't so much confused as I was infuriated.      "I cannot even believe that after all that stuff you told me about being the black sheep and not wanting anything to do with HCI you're preaching to me about decorum amongst bloodsuckers."

              "They aren't bloodsuckers, Charley, but you're right, I really don't care about them. I do care that you  embarrassed 
me
  with that little stunt." He was becoming more and more exasperated.     

              "Wait...What? 
You're
  embarrassed?" I felt the shrill enter my voice and I knew by the way my heart was pounding and the hives were spreading over my chest that I was getting whipped up into a frenzy. Remembering what had happened the last time I felt like this with him, I took a cleansing breath to tamp it down. "What about me, huh? You didn't do a damn thing to stick up for me when Claire laid into me at that dinner, Teddy.       Not even a glance in my direction. You didn't even try to stop her attack on me in front of these so called 'really important' people, but  
you're
  embarrassed?"     

              "That's not fair and you know it!" He'd lost a grip on his emotions and he was semi-shouting. "Dammit Charley, I love you, but you cannot waltz into a dinner where you meet my family, my pseudo-extended family and VIPs for a Global Corporation and go balls to the wall! Christ! I know you have a fucked up home life and you have some major trust issues, but Claire's known me since before I was born! She's a second mother to me. I value that relationship and I
trust
  her. I admit she was a little tough, but that's because she's worried about some gold digger trying to take  advantage  of me, it’s happened in the past. The only thing Claire knew about you before tonight she heard from Lacey, and the only thing Lacey knows is what she saw yesterday: you looking like you did at the mall and then me calling her from Nieman's to get her personal shopper's number on the basis it was 'an emergency'. Based on that evidence alone, I don't blame her for being worried. Tonight was an opportunity for you to break down any  preconceived  shit she had about you and see the girl that I know. Jesus, Charley this is what families, what friends who have your back do: they investigate and interrogate any potential new additions to the pack and if you do well you're in, if not, you may have other chances but your odds of being welcomed into the fold diminish by half.” He took in a ragged breath. “You screwed up tonight baby, and I'll have some damage control to do but you'll get another chance. I'll make sure you do because I love Claire and Andy like I love my own folks and, even after all the crap between me and Lace, she's kind of a friend to me, too because I know despite all the B.S. between us if I were dying or if I needed her help she’d be there. We all look out for each other. I thought that you'd be happy that I had that kind of support. I thought maybe you'd want it too.  So for future reference, though I think you've already figured this out, if we're going to last, you can't take that shit personally and you have to start believing that not all families are like yours."

              I let the truth and gravity of it all settle on my shoulders. He'd opened a tear so deep and wide between us that I thought I could hear it ripping. To sum up what he'd said: I was always going to be an outsider in Teddy's world. There was so much in his words proved it but I knew in the first four words: 
I  love you
but. I'd known from the moment we started that      there'd be a 
but 
eventually. I just didn't think it would come mere hours after he told me he loved me.  My mind was screaming "I told you so!" over and over because I'd entered the relationship with Teddy knowing the eventual outcome and I'd done it anyway.  Then, I'd allowed myself, even for a few hours, to believe that maybe it didn't have to end. Maybe, finally, I'd get something good; something just for me, but it was clear after that dinner, after Teddy's speech, that was never going to happen. I was so royally pissed off at the Universe and at God and anyone who I'd deemed important in my life  because  everything good that had ever come to me came with a price -a pound of my flesh- and, at eighteen years old, I was feeling bled dry. I was so done giving and giving and never getting anything back. I was done with the abuse, neglect, wasted effort, and empty promises and I was only eighteen, for God's sake. It was then I knew it was over.      It was then I lost it on Teddy because I felt like I had nothing else to lose.

              "It was pretty fucking personal, Teddy," I growled. "Claire went after     
me!
      That's as personal as it gets!"

              "Claire did what she did in the interest of protecting me, Charley. I know you've never had that but..."     
Rip.

              "Don't even go there right now Teddy!" He dropped his eyes and his      countenance      changed immediately. He was shifting his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot but the anger seemed to be gone, if only momentarily, now he seemed cautious, like he was handling a baby bird.     

              "Spit the rest out, already." I demanded impatiently.

His voice became soft, tremulous, barely audible and when he spoke, he spoke to the ground, but I heard it. I heard the question loud and clear.      "Charley, why didn't you tell me who Paul was before? I never would've taken you to that thing if I'd known."     
Rip.

              "I
did
tell you about my family! I told you
everything
! Even showed you a fucking picture of them! It's not my fault that you didn't care enough to put two and two together! Further, it's pretty goddamned obvious that I wasn't going to fit in there so I don't know why you're surprised that it didn't go well. I have no idea why you thought in a million years it would. Don't you get it! I don't fit. I don't fit here and I most definitely don't fit there," I was pointing wildly from his car, to the house, to the direction of his place. "And do you think it makes me feel better that 'had you known' you just would've kept me your dirty little secret?"

              "I didn't mean it like that," he muttered.

              "Doesn't matter anyway because what you did was worse." His head snapped up from the ground and he looked angry again. His eyes bored into mine and there was a redness rising from his collar traveling quickly up his neck and jaw, but I kept going. "I don't fit, Teddy, and you, despite the fact that you've been clueless most of the time, knew that on some level and you leaned on Lacey to help you rectify it. Well, I'm me and I'm always going to be. This," I held up my forearm like I'd done when I told him why Paul hated me. "This won't ever change. You can't dress me up to fit the part and shove me in a corner so that I disappear; I won't let you or anyone else do that to me ever again. I'm done with being invisible. I’ve been invisible since I can remember and I'm sick of it."

              "That isn't what I tried to do, Charley I just wanted..."

              "You just wanted another exotic trophy to put on your walls, to parade around in front of Lacey and to piss off your parents."     

              "What are you talking about?! I told you I love you not six hours ago. Not to mention I spent a small fortune buying you a shit load of stuff that you fucking needed!"     
Rip.

              "I didn't ask you to do that!"

              "You didn't?" and his tone turned bitter.     
Rip.

              "What is that supposed to mean?"

              "It means maybe Claire's suspicions about you weren't unfounded. Recent evidence suggests maybe you're not the person I think you are. I mean, you obviously knew who I was because of the loose family connection, you hooked me, made me feel bad for you, used me to buy you a bunch of expensive shit and now you're trying to turn me against my own family."     
Rip.

              Before I could think about what I was doing to stop myself, my hand came up of its own accord and slapped him. Hard. Immediately after there was an angry, red outline of my fingers on his cheek. He wasn't angry or stunned that I'd done it; he seemed immediately regretful about what he'd said to make me do it.     

              "Oh God, Charley, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.     

              "I'm not a whore, Teddy."

              "I know, Charley I didn't --"

              "Goddamn you, Teddy. Do you honestly think I made that shit about my life up? Do you think I'm hiding a perfect life from you somewhere in that house? That this was all just an elaborate hoax to get you to buy me things?            Just to refresh your ever failing memory, you pursued
me
! Don't you dare lecture me about trust and loyalty because I fucking trusted you. I      opened up to you and told you things I'd never told anyone and here you are throwing that back in my face. You think you deserve to be knighted because you took me to the mall and spent your daddy's money? I don't care about that shit! You can take it back right now for all I care! You think you're some kind of victim going around      bitching and moaning about your life all the goddamned time? Your perfect goddamned life.  God, Teddy, open your eyes! There are people, me included, who would die to have a fraction of what you have and you're pissing it away and using me as an excuse to do it. I don't have much of anything. Not looks, not money, not even brains. But everything I have, every accomplishment I've ever made, I've fought, clawed and scraped, to get, and I am going to keep fighting until I scratch out an existence for myself that makes me happy. You have no idea what it's like to fight because everything you have, everything you want, has been handed to you. You have no idea what      kind of hell it is      to wake up, every day. Every. Fucking. Day. And wish you'd never been born, to hate your mother for not aborting you when she had the chance. But you dick around with your head up your ass and complain about all the     
opportunities     
you have. You have no idea what it's like to live in the real world."

              "Charley, I live in the real world."

              "No you don't. You skate on top of it; you stand on the outside of it, looking in. Teddy, the world is not your own personal museum! You cannot throw money at problems and have them go away. You cannot hold shit at arm's length and claim that that you're worldly-wise. In all your travels you've never experienced anything real. I have. This is as real as it fucking gets.      ”I sucked in a ragged breath because the tears were building up behind my eyes and I couldn’t cry. I couldn't show any weakness. I breathed out and calmed my voice.

              "I can't do this anymore, Teddy.

              "What are you saying?"

              "I'm saying this, 
whateverthefuck
, it is between us is done. Finished. I'm not going to continue to be your side project! I'm not going to be your little diversion while you work on getting your shit sorted, out only to be dropped later on.

              "Charley, I have no intention of 'dropping you'. Jesus,” he ground out through clenched teeth frantically raking his hands through his hair. “Don’t do this, Charley. Don’t push me away because it’s the easy thing to do. I love you and, even though you haven’t said it back, I know that you love me too. I know you’re afraid. I understand why. If I were you, I would be too.” My resolve was beginning to wane because it was like he could see through me. The things he was saying were things I ever actually let myself believe, but they were no less true. “I can only imagine how lonely you were without a friend or anyone to turn to because you were so afraid of letting someone in. So afraid they’d hurt you. I’m not going to hurt you.”

              “You did hurt me, jackass! I. Am. Hurt!”

              “Not intentionally. I’m sorry I was insensitive. I’m finally one of the decent guys, baby and I’m telling you I’m sorry I was insensitive I'm sorry I got mad okay, but we just got started. Don't push me away, don’t shut me out. Let's fix this."

              "This," and I pointed to the space between us which, even though was just two feet of cement driveway, felt like the grand canyon. "Is the problem! There's too much here, in between us, separating us. It started out as little cracks but now it's a chasm so big we'll never bridge it and I can't take any more pain trying. There's so much that makes us     
incompatible.
"

              “No there isn’t, Charley. I get you better than anyone because I’m an outcast too. You had to have seen that tonight. I hardened myself on the outside just like you, and wouldn’t let anyone in to see the person I am in private, not even Lacey included, because no one got me. You do. And I understand get you. That’s love, Charley. I love you.”