Wes and Toren (4 page)

“I get it.” He took the scratch pad and pen from the coffee table and jotted something down. He ripped the top sheet off and handed it to me.

“Give me a call later.” He smiled again and patted my cheek, then walked out the door.

I sat on the edge of the couch with my head in my hands. I felt sick.

I had to talk to Alycia. She didn’t react the way I expected. She didn’t Wes & Toren

21

seem troubled or even concerned by what she saw. How could she be okay with it?

I knocked at her door and Alycia was lying on her stomach on the bed, kicking her feet and reading a magazine.

“You guys didn’t have to stop on my account,” she said, resting her chin in her hand and grinning.

I balled my hands into fists at my sides. “It…it’s not what you think—”

“Oh? So what was it? He tripped and accidentally stuck his tongue down your throat? Yeah, I’m sure that’s what happened.”

“No! It wasn’t…I mean…”

Alycia sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed. She tilted her head to the side and looked at me with a serious expression. “Toren, what are you so afraid of?”

That’s what Wesley had asked me. I dug my fists into my thighs.

“Please…don’t tell Mom. Please. Promise me that you won’t tell Mom I’m—.” I stopped myself and looked down.

“Say it, Toren. Say it out loud.”

I glanced up at Alycia and down to the floor again. “Don’t—don’t tell her I’m…gay.”

“At least you can say it out loud now,” she said, crossing her arms.

She was taking it too lightly. “Promise me!”

“All right, all right, I promise,” she said and stretched her arms over her head. “Though I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“Are you serious? How can you say that?” I shouted, wiping away tears with the back of my hand.

Alycia looked at me and her face softened with sympathy. “Look, Toren, what happened between Mom and Dad is
their
business. It has nothing to do with us,” she said matter-of-factly and sighed with a puff of frustration. “You can’t ignore your feelings for the rest of your life 22

J. M. Colail

because you’re afraid of what Mom’ll think. Just be yourself. Besides, I think that if you talked to her, you’d find that she’d understand.”

“I doubt it,” I said, shaking my head.

“Well, I think you should be proud. I mean, you landed one of the hottest guys in school.” A grin spread across her face and surprisingly, I felt better. She stood up from the bed and walked across the room. “If anything,
I’m
proud of you,” she said softly and hugged me. Then she pulled away quickly. “Oh yeah. Will you come to my meet? Mike can’t go and Mom has to work and I really want someone there. Please?” She batted her eyelashes and smiled wide.

“Yeah, okay.”

“You’re the best big brother. I’ll even make dinner for you tonight,” she said and walked out of the room.

“That’s okay,” I said, following her. “I’m not really that hungry.”

Alycia stopped and turned around. “Well, just remember that I offered.”

I smiled and nodded. She would do anything to get out of cooking.

Alycia left for her swim meet at 6:30. I watched TV and found something to munch on, then walked to school at 7:00. I brought a book with me and settled in for a long night. Alycia swam four events and they were all toward the end of the meet. I opened my book and eavesdropped on nearby conversations.

I thought about what Alycia had said. She made me say it out loud.

She seemed so calm about it too; I didn’t understand how she could be so nonchalant. I knew that if Mom found out, she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Alycia didn’t hear the things Mom yelled at Dad, but I did.

Mom had never been the same since they divorced, as if she’d forgotten what it was like to be happy.

It was the boys’ 300-meter relay and I looked up from my book. I tried to remember a distinct time when I realized that I paid more attention to boys than I did to girls. I watched their slim bodies cut through the silvery water, their heaving chests when they climbed out of the pool, and their revealing Speedos that look silly on even a perfect Wes & Toren

23

figure. I wondered if Alycia knew I was gay before I did. But how did she know? Even more importantly, how did Wesley know?

My row on the bleacher vibrated and I glanced up; Wesley was sidestepping his way toward me. I closed my book, keeping my place with my index finger. Wesley glanced at the cover of a near-naked Persian boy dancing with billowy colored scarves.

“Whatcha reading?”

I looked at the cover and turned it to the side. “It’s about Alexander the Great, by Mary Renault. It’s really good so far.” I dog-eared the page and set the book down.

“What class is it for?”

“It’s not for class,” I answered, then looked into my lap. I really am a nerd.

“Cool. So, how ya doin’?” Wesley asked, looking down at the pool and then back to me. “You seemed kinda out of it earlier, when your sister walked in.”

I looked around the bleachers self-consciously, remembering bits of conversations that I overheard. “Um, I’m okay.”

“Has your sister been up yet?” I shook my head. “Let’s go outside.

It’s too damn hot in here and I wanna have a smoke anyway.”

I hesitated but then picked up my book and followed him outside.

He led me to the side of the school, in a shadow between yellow streetlights. He ran his hand through his hair and smiled at me.

“I wasn’t sure if you would be here or not, so I took a chance,” he said, lighting a cigarette and letting it dangle between his lips. “I wanted to see if you were okay. You seemed a little freaked out when your sister walked in.” He looked at me and I looked down to the ground. “But your sister didn’t seem surprised. She actually seemed pretty cool about it.” I nodded and Wesley took a couple hits of his cigarette.

He talked and I listened. I kept my eyes to the side, on the constant lookout for anyone. I felt so nervous around him, but it wasn't like anyone could know what had happened earlier just by looking at us.

24

J. M. Colail

“Well, I guess we should go back in.” He took the cigarette from his lips and flicked it to the side. He kissed me quickly, then he smiled and walked toward the door. “C’mon, we don’t wanna miss your sister.”

I followed Wesley inside and we returned to the same place in the bleachers. I still felt nervous around him, but it was a different type of nervous, an exhilarating nervous. We talked about school, and books and music, about everything. We cheered hard for Alycia. She won both the 50- and 100-meter butterfly. After the first race, she pulled her goggles up to her forehead and searched the crowd for me. A smile brightened her face when she saw Wesley sitting beside me. Now I just had to make sure she kept her mouth shut.

Wes & Toren

25

“HEY. Hey! Toren!” Wesley whispered loudly. He was at the end of the hall, poking his head around the corner. “Grab your bag. Let’s go,” he whispered as I walked over to him.

“What?” It was kind of amusing; he reminded me of a cartoon bank robber looking around to see if the coast was clear.

“C’mon, hurry up! Before Hannity sees us,” Wesley urged. I looked at him blankly and he widened his eyes at me. I hesitated, then grabbed my book bag from my locker and followed Wesley to the parking lot. “I’m turning you into a delinquent, aren’t I?” Wesley said proudly as we drove away from the school.

We drove for a while, taking the back roads outside of town. He turned onto a narrow dirt road, pocked with potholes, and I asked him where we were going.

“You’ll see,” he said with a smile.

We drove past flat cornfields and thick forests, winding around the vast maze of dirt roads that gridded the farmlands. Wesley pulled off to the side next to a small patch of trees, like a mini-forest in the middle of an open field. He led me into a ring of trees that surrounded a small pond. Cattails grew at one end and the little pool was green with algae.

Beside the water, a fallen tree served as a low bench and Wesley sat down, patting the crumbling log next to him.

“It’s way too nice out to be cooped up in a classroom,” he said as I sat down beside him.

26

J. M. Colail

“Yeah, it’s beautiful out today,” I agreed, looking through the tree trunks at the stark field on the other side. I could hear a bullfrog and I searched the pond, but I couldn’t see it.

Wesley sighed lightly. A shy smile passed his lips and he glanced at me. “You know, you’re the first person I ever brought here.”

“Really?” I asked stupidly. I didn’t know what to say, but I felt special.

“Yeah, I guess you seemed to be the right person to share it with.”

I smiled and fiddled my hands in my lap. “It’s really pretty out here. How did you ever find this place?”

“I don’t even know,” he said, peeling off a piece of bark. “I come out here when my folks get on my case. It’s just sorta…relaxing.”

Wesley pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. There was a silence and I felt a little awkward. But the quiet passed and we talked for almost an hour. Wesley told me a little about his family, about his brother away at college, about his job, about everything. I liked listening to him talk; he seemed different from the Wesley I saw at school: he was sensitive and smart and he could be serious. I felt like I got to see a side of him that not everyone got to see.

“So, have you decided where you’re gonna go to school?” I asked after a short silence. I stretched out my legs and glanced at Wesley from the corner of my eye.

Wesley shook his head and snubbed out his cigarette. “Nah. I’m not going to school. I figure that I’ll start working full-time at the body shop.” He placed the cigarette butt in a neat pile beside him on the log.

“You’re not going to college?” I asked, turning and looking at Wesley with surprise.

“School’s never really been my thing,” he answered.

I looked down and bit my lip. I had always planned on going to college; my mom would kill me if I didn’t go. “But, what about your parents? Don’t they want you to go?”

Wes & Toren

27

“Nah, they really don’t care. They’re pretty much counting down the days ’til I move out. They pinned all their hopes on my brother, thinking he’ll give them the life they think they deserve.”

“Oh,” I said quietly. I felt awkward and looked at the pond, searching for the noisy bullfrog again. I could feel Wesley staring at me.

“Heh, this is depressing. Let’s change the subject,” he said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.

“I’m sorry.”

Wesley moved closer to me. “It’s not your fault. Don’t worry about it. But if you wanna cheer me up,” he said with a grin and turned my face toward him. I glanced at him and looked around at the ring of trees.

“There’s no one around for miles. So, relax.”

He rested his hand on my leg and kissed me, softly at first, then with a little more force. I felt nervous kissing Wesley; I didn’t want him to think I was a bad kisser but it felt so good that I would sometimes forget to breathe.

We kissed for a while with nature as our witness and I wondered how I could keep this a secret from Mom. I didn’t want my mom to hate me, but I didn’t want to lose this exhilarating feeling that Wesley brought out in me.

“Well, I guess we should get going,” Wesley said, picking up a handful of cigarette butts from the log.

“Oh. Yeah,” I answered, standing up and stretching my arms over my head. Wesley poked the crease of white between my jeans and Tshirt and I hunched over instinctively. He laughed and told me I was cute.

“My mom’s been on my case about cleaning up the mess in the garage. It’s kinda why I wanted to ditch sixth hour, so I could see you for a little while before I had to go.”

I blushed and felt a little excitement that I was contributing to his delinquency. Wesley grinned and kissed me again before we walked back to his car. He drove me home and gave me a brief kiss in the parking lot before I could protest that people might see us. He 28

J. M. Colail

apologized and said he would make up for it tomorrow. I watched him drive away and I let my smile broaden when I got in my apartment. I really liked the way Wesley made me feel.