Well Rocked (8 page)

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

I went into automatic problem-solving mode. “Okay, everyone leave us alone for a minute. I need ice-cold water and a gallon of coffee.”

Joe shoved the other guys out of the room and then came back in. “Whatever you’re gonna do, hurry. We told Ryan Dex got here, but didn’t mention what state he’s in.”

“Got it. Thank you.”

He nodded, looked at me with pity, and left.

I slid down to the floor, raising Dex’s head to rest in my lap. The stench of liquor on him made me a little queasy, but it didn’t matter.

“Dex,” I said loudly, shaking his arm. “Dex, can you hear me?”

He groaned softly, but didn’t open his eyes. I scanned down his body and saw a few scrapes and tears, as if he’d fallen down quite a bit. Worried about a concussion, I dug gently through his dark hair, but didn’t feel any bumps or signs of bruising.

Apparently my touch helped, though. His eyes fluttered open and then squinted. “Too bright.”

I let out a panicked laugh. He spoke. That was a really good sign.

“Honey, you really scared me. Where have you been all day?”

“Drinking.”

“That much I could tell. Where?”

“Everywhere. You’d be surprised how many places there are to get drunk in the middle of the day. And now that I’m a celebra-cebret-
shit
, famous guy, lots of people bought me drinks.”

Now that he was safe, and generally okay, I let the anger I’d been holding back spring to the surface. “Well that’s lovely. So glad you had a nice day. But you’ve got a show in less than an hour. And everyone’s been worried sick.”

He sat up quickly, but then leaned against me as his face went green and his eyes unfocused. “Don’t want worry. I’m fine. How many fucking times do I have to tell you I’m fine?”

“This is fine? You’re completely wasted. I don’t even know how you got here.”

“Simple. I…well, I’m not sure. But I’m here. Ready to rock and roll.” He cackled, and then held a hand up to his forehead. “Ouch.”

I pushed him so he rested against the wall instead of me, and got up. “You’re being such an asshole right now.”

“So what? My father is dead. I can be an arse, asshole if I want.”

“That’s true. But I don’t have to stand here and watch you do it.”

“You wouldn’t leave me.”

“I will. When you’re ready to talk and deal with this, I’ll be there. But I won’t stand by while you drink yourself into oblivion.”

“Bull. You won’t go because you love me and you know I need you.”

I wanted to punch him. And hug him. And tell him, “Yes, I do love you, but I hate you right now.”

But I didn’t do any of those things. I put my cup of coffee down on the table and walked out the door without saying a word.

Outside I ran into Matthew. He was holding a whole carafe of coffee and a few bottles of water.

I smiled at him. “Thank you. Take that in to him if you want. I need a break.”

“Okay. Hey, wait a second.”

I turned around. “What is it?”

“He’s crazy in love with you. Whatever happens, don’t give up on him.”

Shaking my head, I sighed and continued down the hallway.

* * *

Calling the fact that Dex managed to play the show a miracle felt like the understatement of my life. His performance was far from perfect, but some combination of a little sleep, a lot of coffee, and the deafening noise sobered him up enough to get through the set without embarrassing himself. I watched from the wings, holding my breath most of the time.

Most shows Dex was magnetic and constantly in motion. Playing off of Joe and the others, drawing the audience into his music effortlessly. This time was different. He got through the songs fine, but there was no action. He stood in one spot and connected with no one. But considering the state I’d found him in, it was a triumph of professionalism. Relatively speaking.

Once the encore was over, he headed out the back and into the waiting van. I made eye contact with Ryan to make sure he saw I was leaving too, and followed.

“Jesus, please not another lecture,” Dex said darkly as I climbed up and sat next to him.

“I just wanted to see how you’re feeling.”

“Terrible. But I’ll get a few shots in me and be fine.”

“Don’t you think a good night’s sleep would be better?”

“Bloody hell, Becca. Don’t you ever let up?”

I gritted my teeth but didn’t speak.

Dex groaned, pushed past me, and walked out of the van. He took a few steps and then turned back. “A million times I’ve told you you’re not on duty with me. I don’t need you to organize me, fix me. Why can’t you just
be
with me?”

“I can. But this isn’t you.”

“What if it is?”

“Then I’ve been fighting to make us work for no reason. I know you’re hurting, but digging yourself a deeper hole isn’t going to help. You need to talk. To be surrounded with people who love you. You have to let us in.”

He stared at me, and for a second his eyes softened. But just as quickly, they went cold again. “Not tonight I don’t,” he said, and walked away. It was becoming a pattern with us, and one I didn’t care for one bit.

Chapter Eight

I didn’t wait up for him that night. And in the morning, when it was time to go to the airport, I didn’t expect him to show, and he didn’t. A part of me worried if he was dead in a ditch somewhere, but I knew he wasn’t. He was either still drinking, or sleeping it off somewhere.

After making sure everyone else was prepared for the flight and saying a real goodbye to Liss, I took Ryan aside. For once, he actually listened to what I had to say.

“Are you sure this is the right course of action?”

I nodded. “I have to try, at least.”

“All right. I’m trusting you with this. Keep me posted and we’ll work out the details.”

“Thank you, Ryan. For believing me.”

“I may not agree with all of your choices, Rebecca. But I acknowledge you know what you’re doing. So do it.”

“I will.”

He sighed and turned to get in the vehicle with the others. I stood in front of the hotel, watching as the van pulled away, and then went back upstairs.

A few hours later the door opened and Dex came in.

“Why are you still here?” he asked.

“Waiting for you.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“No, you didn’t. Just like you didn’t ask me to smooth things over with Ryan and the other members of your band. But I did that too. Or assure your aunt that you’d be in touch soon. But I did.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m stupid. And a fool. I love you and there’s nothing I won’t do to help you, even when you won’t help yourself.”

He pulled a bottle of something out of a pocket and took a swig. “Fuck, who knew when my mother died I’d get another.”

“I’m not trying to mother you. I’m just giving you one last chance to keep from messing up your whole life in a way you can’t fix.”

“You don’t know anything about my life.”

“Fuck you, Dex. I know everything about your life. I am here. I have been here.”

“Maybe I don’t want you here.”

“Then tell me to go. Break up with me.”

“No!”

I approached him. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I…I don’t want you gone. I just want you to stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop caring so much. Stop trying to make me well. I’m not. I’m sick. Poisoned from birth and slowly dying. And you can’t make that different. All you do is push and pull me, make me love you, need you. Make me want to be better. Be something you deserve. But I can’t.”

He slammed a flat palm against the wall.

“I can’t be anything but this. I’m a fuck-up. All I’ve ever been good at, aside from fucking up, is music. I can sing and play and write. So that’s what I do. And I’m good at it. But I’m not a good man and I never will be.” A sob escaped him and he turned away.

I went over and put my hand on his shoulder, turning him around. “Don’t say that, Dex. You’re just in a bad place right now.”

“Not just now. Always. My whole life. And I won’t let you fall into this pit with me. I can’t. You’re the most wonderful thing in this fucking wasteland of a world and I won’t be what ruins you, too.”

I took his hand and dragged him over to the bed. We sat down. “How long have you felt this way?”

“Since the first time I saw you. God knows I tried to stay away. To let you be. But how could I? I’m weak. And I crave you like a drug, Becca. I live for the way your hair smells and how your hands feel on me. How your smile lights up a room and your voice reverberates through my bones. I’m hooked on every word you say. Every look you give me is a fix. I’m not strong enough to stay away from you. And you’re so brave.”

His fingers graze my cheek.

“I need you to end this. Get away from me before it’s too late.”

Through the tears streaming down my face I smiled. “I won’t.”

“Please. I’m begging you. I’ll never be happy without you but I won’t let you be miserable with me.”

“Dex, you’re an idiot,” I said softly. “These weeks with you have been the happiest of my life. I spent so much time just going through the motions. Doing what I know, and getting by. All the pleasure and pain of this – us – has brought me to life. I wouldn’t trade any of it. And as long as you care about me, I’m not giving up on you. Or on us.”

His shoulders began to shake, and he cried in earnest, collapsing against me. I wrapped my arms around the strong body that had held me, and curled up with him, limbs entwined, faces inches apart while he wept.

I have no idea how long we stayed there like that. Only that when Dex finally sat up, my legs and arms ached from being in the same position so long. He gathered me close again and cupped my face in his hands.

“I don’t know how to do this, Becca.”

“Do what?”

“Live a real life. Face my issues. I only know how to hide. But I’ve never been able to hide from you. You see me.”

“I do. Better than you see yourself. You’re not weak, Dex. You’re scared. But I know you can get through this. Get better.”

“See, that’s what scares me. The faith you have in me. I can’t stand to think about disappointing you. Hurting you.”

“You’ve already done both. But I’m still here. Shit, Dex. We’re both a mess of bad histories and unsure futures. I don’t know if that’s something we can ever overcome completely. But I do know my life is better with you in it. And I know I’m willing to try, if you are.”

“I am. I think. It’s just…”

“Tell me.”

“When we first got together, it felt like magic. Like I could be that guy, the one you see. But before long I was fucking up again. And that look on your face. It killed me. And so I just fucked up more. It’s all I know how to do.”

“No it isn’t. You know how to be kind, and sweet and make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Those are superpowers, Dex. Not traits of a fuck-up.”

“But what if I fail? What if I bollocks it all up again?”

“Then we’ll fight. Yell, maybe not talk for a few days. But as long as we’re both alive there’s a chance to make it right.”

He nodded. “Damn, you’re really smart.”

“I know. So listen to me, okay?”

“Okay.”

I kissed his cheek and gripped one of his big hands between mine. “When I took this job, I was just hoping to work. Make some money and get back into the business that’s in my blood. I know you understand that. But touring with you guys, and falling in love with you changed all that. Just doing the job isn’t enough for me anymore. I don’t need everything to be orderly and on schedule. There are more important things than that.”

“Like what?”

“Like waking up next to you. The way your mouth feels against mine. How romantic it was to look out over all of Paris with you. How ridiculous that fancy dinner was. Every adventure I have, whether it is sitting at a café with Liss or meeting strangers on the street or just ordering room service with you.

“All of my lists are fine for work. But life isn’t pages of things to check off. It’s every experience, good and bad. Everything that brought us to this moment right here and everything we do after.”

“What will that be?”

“I have no idea. But I know I want to find out with you by my side.”

“That does sound good.”

“I think so.”

“How did I get so lucky that you came into my life?”

“I wonder the same thing about you every day. Even when I want to strangle you.”

“You’re an angel, Becca.”

“No, I’m not. I’m a self-conscious weirdo with giant thighs and a tendency towards being anal-retentive.”

“I like your thighs.”

“That’s because you’re insane.”

Dex laughed, and his smile stretched wide across his face.

“Feeling better?”

“A bit. But I’m still not sure what to do next. I know I have to deal with stuff and my dad. But I don’t know how. Go back there? Pack up his place? Plan a funeral?”

“Yes, all of those things. But you don’t have to do them alone.”

“Aunt Karen is a nice lady, but I barely know her.”

“I’m talking about me.”

“No, I can’t ask that of you.”

“What part of ‘in this together’ did you not understand?”

“But, in order to do all of this, I have to leave the tour. Probably miss the rest of the dates over here.”

“I know.”

“But…your job?”

“Right now my job is getting you well. Supporting you through this process, whatever that means.”

“Like a project?”

“No. Like family. You said I was part of the family, so
let me be
part of the family and help you.”

“But Ryan and the guys…the other cities.”

“Will all understand. It’s all over the news that your father is gone. Besides, there are only three more shows. You’ve gone one man down because of illness before. This is no different.”

“So we have time.”

“Yes.”

“It’s kind of scary, this doing the right thing business.”

I smiled. “I know. But nothing’s so bad we can’t beat it. Not your demons. Not the weather in Scotland. Or Ryan and Rick. Nothing.”

Dex kissed me lightly and then rolled us over so he was on top of me. “Can we stop talking now?”