We Shouldn't and Yet... (31 page)

“I’m not, I’m trying to make you understand and open your eyes.’’ I glance at Jensen and he’s frowning. I can see in his eyes that he’s afraid I’m going to let him go again. But I’m not. Not this time. “With Jensen I’m a real woman, I’m a friend, I’m an equal and I know that I can crumble if I need to. He’s there for me. Mom, I’ve never felt something so powerful, so intense in my life. I’m not going to let it go again and I can’t regret giving us a shot when it feels so right. I know it’s not an easy choice and I know it’ll probably cost me my friendship with Hal, but I don’t want to hurt like I did for the last two weeks and when I’m with Jensen the pain is gone.’’

My mother looks away, but quickly fixes her eyes on Jensen who has his arm around me again, pulling me against him until there’s not even a sliver of space between us. I revel in his strong body and warmth.

“Hal is your son. I know that you didn’t know about him and I’m sure the relationship between you and him isn’t one like father and son as we commonly think, but he’s still your son. Do you know he has feelings for my daughter?’’

“I do.’’

“And you still went after her. How could you?’’

“Mom!’’

“No, she’s right. Aideen, she’s right.’’

I cross my arms over my chest. Our wonderful bubble is burst and it’s hard to have to justify ourselves, our feelings. Feelings are uncontrollable.

“Ma’am, I know you don’t like me very much and I understand your point, believe me. Whenever I think about Hal I hate myself. I shouldn’t be a selfish bastard, I should put him before me and I tried.’’ He looks down at his powerful thighs covered by the old denim of his pants. “But Aideen brought something in my life and for the first time in a while I started seeing something other than darkness. I’m not used to not getting what I want, not used to denying myself something or someone. That makes me a despicable man in your eyes, I’m sure, but the truth is I’ve never had to be something else and I’ve never had someone mean enough for me to actually be someone else. Aideen makes me want to be better, to wish for more. Hal…Hal’s infatuation for Aideen isn’t as strong as my feelings. Does that mean it’s right of me to go after your daughter? Fuck, no. Not in a million years, but I did and the worst is I don’t even regret it. Now…’’ He clears his throat and locks eyes with her. “Now that you know this, you can judge me and tell me I’m not good enough for Aideen. But I’m going to do what I can to be worth it. I’m going to be there when she needs a shoulder to lean on, because even though she’s one of the strongest people I know, she still needs to break down once in a while.’’ He clears his throat again. “Then, because Aideen will help me be a man, I’ll be able to be a father.’’

I rub his arm with my free hand, trying to convey what his words mean to me. He doesn’t know this, but he’s an amazing man. Rough around the edges, who makes bad choices sometimes and who is probably going to be judged regarding Hal, but he isn’t a bad man. He’s just lost and trying to find his footing again. I can relate to that and I’m in awe when I think how much he’s fighting, always, to stay afloat.

My mother sighs and settles more comfortably in the armchair, as if the tension in her shoulders starts to taper off. “I don’t know you, but at least I can see you care about my daughter. To be perfectly honest it’s more than I thought upon first hearing of you.’’

“I love your daughter.’’ He glances at me and offers me his half-smile that makes me swoon. I feel myself blush lightly. “At first I thought it was some kind of strange obsession, something I was going after to make my life a bigger mess because I have a tendency to be self-destructive. But it’s way more than that and I quickly caught up onto it. She’s my…my life.’’

“Jensen,’’ I murmur and put my head on his shoulder, breathing him in. “You have your own life.’’

“With you, I hope, beautiful. I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.’’

I smile against him and squeeze his hand once, silently talking with him, conveying what I feel for him. At this point, I don’t really care if my mother is witnessing this moment, I don’t really care if she approves or not. I love Jensen and he makes me happy when I’m with him. Being together isn’t easy and it’s going to get tough when other people get in the know, but I believe it’s worth it. That kind of love? It’s worth a lot.

“Honey,’’ my mother calls me and I straighten up, but don’t release Jensen’s hand. In fact, he keeps a good grip on me as if afraid I’d slip away. “I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive of this relationship. I just…’’

“You wanted to protect me. I get it, don’t worry. In a way you’re right. I’m going to hurt someone I really care about, Jensen is going to hurt one of the people he cares the most about, but happiness is difficult to find. I’ve got it now and I’m not letting it go away. I’ve been miserable these past two weeks.’’

“That’s why I’m here. I thought that we could do something to cheer you up.’’ My mother shakes her head, and her eyes land on my hand in Jensen’s. “Your father and I were worried.’’

“I’m glad you’re here. I would have liked to let you and Dad know about Jensen another way, though.’’ I chuckle self-consciously and glance at Jensen who’s trying to keep his chuckle under control. I swiftly bump my shoulder against his and he groans. “Shit! Are you okay?’’

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.’’ He cringes and brings a hand to his ribs. “The painkillers are starting to ebb off.’’

“What happened?’’ My mother butts in, her eyebrows furrowing.

“He had a bike accident yesterday. A truck changed lanes in front of him and Jensen busted a few ribs and he has a concussion.’’

“A mild concussion, beautiful. I’m fine.’’

“You could have died.’’

He sighs and kisses my forehead, but his eyes are on my lips. I know exactly where he’d prefer to kiss me, but he’s trying to be considerate in front of my mother. But his intentions are pretty transparent.

“I hope you’re not going to ride a bike again. Or that you’re not going to take Aideen with you. Bikes are very dangerous.’’

Jensen’s head jerks back to my mother and he nods quickly, far too quickly to be natural or true. I hide my growing smile behind my hand. “Of course not ma’am.’’

I’m sweating cold just thinking of him back on a bike because that close call really did a number on me, but I also know he loves riding a bike. It’s an escape for him and if he needs it, I shouldn’t push him into abandoning it. And the last memory I have of us going for a ride together is far too hot and thrilling to not want a repeat of that night.

“Good.’’ She nods and her cellphone starts ringing, playing an old jazz song my mother and father love. She smiles softly and excuses herself, saying that it’s Dad. She walks to the kitchen a few feet away. There’s not much in the way of privacy in my small apartment.

“Does she hate me or what?’’ Jensen asks me immediately, his voice lowered for only my ears.

“No. In fact, I think she finds you quite attractive. It swayed her a little bit.’’

He frowns at me. “Be serious, beautiful. You have no idea how uneasy I am right now. Fuck, the last time I met someone’s parents I was still in high school.’’

I chuckle and kiss his cheek. “Good thing you’ve kept the swearing to a minimum in front of her.’’

“I don’t get why you find this funny.’’ He runs a hand through his beard and scowls.

“Maybe because for the first time we’re able to be open about what is going on between us. We’re not hiding, we’re not ashamed, but we’re ready to fight for us and build something.’’

His face immediately relaxes. His eyes go to my lips and I feel them tingle. I glance at my mother in the kitchen, but her eyes are firmly trained on us as she’s still talking to my father in the phone. I don’t think she’s ready to see me kiss Jensen. I sigh and instead lean my head against his shoulder.

“Do you think I should tell Hal now? I mean, your parents know and we agreed to keep it to ourselves for a little while longer, but I don’t want to. You’re my girl, and I want to be able to do things with you.’’

“Things?’’

He laughs and cringes at the same time, keeping a hand on his ribcage. “Fuck. Don’t make me laugh and get your mind out of the gutter. When you have that look I get hard and I don’t think it’s a good idea in front of your mother.’’

“I couldn’t help it. It was too easy.’’ I bring his big hand to my thigh. His fingers immediately wrap around it, firmly enough to remind me how powerful and intense he is when he touches me. A hot wave rises in my stomach. “You’re right, though. I want to be able to go out with you without being scared that someone we know is going to see us together. I’m afraid, though.’’

“I know, I am too.’’ He shakes his head. “I don’t know how he’s going to react. I lied to him just yesterday. I lied about us and now…’’

“Do you want me there? Maybe we should be together to tell him.’’

“He’s my son. I’m the one who knowingly betrayed him and his trust. I should be the one telling him and getting his anger.’’

“I don’t want him to hate us you know.’’

“He’s a great guy. That hate won’t stay. I hope at some point he’ll understand and accept.’’

“He will understand when he finds someone to love, but that doesn’t mean he’ll accept our relationship. And with the anniversary of his mother’s death approaching…’’ I shake my head. “We couldn’t have worse timing.’’

“Do you think we should wait after he comes back from visiting his grandparents?’’

“I don’t know. It’s not like I’m used to this.’’

“You shouldn’t, and that’s my own two cents thrown in,’’ my mother butts in suddenly from behind us.

We both stand up and turn toward her, Jensen cringing more and more now that the painkillers don’t have much of an effect and after the workout he’s had, I’m surprised he’s still standing.

“If you two wait any longer it’ll be even more difficult. There will never be the perfect time to say something like this. There will never be an easy way to say it either. Honesty is not easy.’’

Jensen and I share a long sad look, but underneath it all, there’s hope in his eyes, something I’ve not seen often in him. He pulls me in for a hug and whispers close to my ear, his lips brushing against my neck, his beard tingling my sensitive skin. “I’m going now. Stay with your mom and I’ll call you later. I promise you that I’ll do everything I can to make things right. Just give him time and Hal will come back for you, beautiful.’’

I nod against him and run my fingers in his growing hair. He shivers against me and takes a deep breath as if sniffing me. I feel a blush creep in on my face. “I love you, Jensen.’’

He softly growls. “I love you so fucking much, Aideen. We’re in this together. All the way.’’

“All the way.’’

He pulls back, kisses my forehead and then turns to my mother who is looking at us with a tiny smile. Her eyes are oddly bright. He rounds the couch and shakes her hand.

“Thank you for your understanding, ma’am. I hope to spend more time with you and meet your husband. I’d like to get to know you both.’’

“You should come home for a weekend with Aideen. Unless it’d be too difficult with your work.’’

“I can arrange something. I just need a couple of weeks notice.’’

My heart is melting in my chest. My mother is truly making an effort and Jensen… Jensen is perfect even though it’s obvious he’s out of his depth. He keeps fidgeting, looking back at me as if seeking my consent. It’s cute which only adds to his sex appeal. Not that he needs anymore, but I’m discovering that this man is my weakness. I don’t really mind right now.

My mother and I watch him leave and I let out a very girly sigh that has my mother chuckling at me. “How did I miss this the other day? I’ve never seen you like this.’’

I shrug and go back to the couch with my mother on my heels. “I don’t know. Maybe you weren’t ready to see that I’m moving on.’’

“I’m glad you did.’’ She puts her cellphone on the coffee table next to the bag full of uneaten tacos. Her eyebrows furrow, but she doesn’t comment on them. “You grew up too fast. At the time I didn’t know it was because of Yann and what happened to him.’’

“You couldn’t have known. Nobody knew and he wouldn’t talk to me. I…I started to put some pieces together once we started dating.’’

“Did Yann have an issue with intimacy?’’

I look away, uncomfortable. Not only is it uncomfortable to basically talk about my sex life with my mother, but it’s also uncomfortable when your boyfriend, the guy you thought you’d grow old with is not here anymore. I nod. “He felt bad for enjoying some things. He was also never really engaging, you know. I’ve never been able to…to…’’

“Let go and be yourself.’’

I nod again. “With Jensen it’s completely different. He forces me to open up completely and…’’ I sigh, a blush spreading fast all over my face. “At first I thought it was only physical, that since I was discovering how it’s supposed to feel I was obsessed by him since he was the one there for it.’’

“But it’s more than that.’’ She grabs my hand and pats it. “I was afraid you were confusing sexual attraction and mixing it with grief. I didn’t think it ran deeper. You’re strong, though. A lot stronger than most of us and I should have kept that in mind instead of pushing you to break it off with Jensen. I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive.’’