We Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (21 page)

“Yes?” She faced him, her expression blank enough to make Cole believe there was still hope for an easy out. She didn’t seem hopeful or upset or overly eager. She seemed perfectly okay.

Taking heart, he went on. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. There’s a lot we’d have to consider before making a big decision like that one.”

“I understand,” she replied. “We all say things we don’t mean once in a while.” She shrugged. “I enjoyed seeing the shock on Burt’s face. It was worth it. Anyway, we’ll just wait a few weeks and reinforce that our plans have changed. It won’t be a big deal.”

She smiled reassuringly, but it was her indifference and willingness to let him backpedal that bothered Cole. After what had happened between them, wasn’t Jackie even remotely tempted to make their relationship permanent? Isn’t that what most women wanted? Rochelle had used sex to trap him, she’d lied to him and manipulated him, all for a ring on her finger. Jackie, on the other hand, had much more reason to want the financial and emotional support of a spouse, yet she asked for nothing. Was it because of the mistake he’d made with the trucking secretary? He’d known it would affect Jackie’s opinion of him, but he also believed a woman who cared about him would be willing to forgive him. Had
she
been the one who’d made the mistake, he’d definitely let the past go and give her a chance to prove herself. But then, he hadn’t gone through what she’d gone through.

“What are you saying?” he asked. “That you wouldn’t want to marry me even if I asked you?”

She looked down at the field and started clapping. Alex’s team was just coming back on. “I don’t have to worry about you asking me,” she said after a moment. “You don’t want to get married, remember?”

“Yeah, right,” he said, sorely missing the determination behind that conviction. He’d been going back and forth on
the marriage issue for weeks now, but the more Jackie slipped away from him, the more eager he was to bind her to him.

And the less committed he became to bachelorhood.

“T
HAT WAS QUITE A GAME
,”
Jaclyn said, standing outside her house with Cole beneath the pale arc of a streetlight. “I’m so glad Alex’s team won.”

Alex had gone inside to change out of his soccer uniform, and the girls had soon followed, convinced, when Cole and Jaclyn did nothing more than talk in the chilly night air, that there had to be something more interesting on television.

“Terry and Burt weren’t too happy when they left the game,” Cole said.

Folding her arms across her body to help her lightweight jacket keep her warm, Jaclyn tilted her head back to admire the night sky. It was only eight o’clock, but the days were getting shorter. Thanksgiving was less than a week away. She could hardly believe how fast the months were passing. When she’d started working for Cole in mid-August, getting her real-estate license had seemed so far into the future. Now she was two days away from taking the test.

“Poor Alex. He was hoping to go with them. But they said goodbye and hurried off,” she said. “And I doubt they’ll be coming back again very soon.”

“Do you think Burt will call once they reach home?”

“There’s no telling what Burt will do.”

Cole shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned against the side of his Navigator. “Do you want me to stay for a while, just in case?”

The words were spoken casually enough, as though he was merely being polite, but Jaclyn got the distinct impression his offer stemmed from something deeper than courtesy. He wanted to stay, and as much as Jaclyn wished otherwise, her desire to let him had nothing to do with
protection from Burt Wentworth. When she was with Cole, the whole world seemed right, as though she’d started a journey long ago and finally reached the ideal destination.

But that’s my heart talking, not my head, and my heart’s been wrong before.

“There’s nothing Burt can do to hurt me, at least not tonight.” She offered him a weak smile. “It will take him a few days to marshal his force of attorneys.”

“You don’t think he’ll back off?”

“Maybe.” She grinned. “Now that he believes we’re getting married.”

She thought she saw Cole blush, which wasn’t something that happened often, but the shadows covering his face made it difficult to tell for sure. She did know he hadn’t been his smooth-talking, confident self ever since claiming he was going to marry her. Fortunately she understood that he’d said it in the heat of the argument. Even if she’d taken him at his word, she would have realized he regretted what he’d said when he clammed up and wouldn’t talk through most of the game.

“What about Terry? He’ll just let his dad do whatever he wants?” Cole asked.

“I don’t know. Terry was very bitter last year and very much a part of the court battles, but he seems to be losing his zeal for the fight. Maybe he’s finally reconciling himself to the fact that I’m not coming back, no matter what he does.”

“Or maybe he’s met someone else.”

Jaclyn thought about that. “I doubt it,” she said after a moment. “The kids never mention anyone. Neither does Terry.”

“Would it upset you?”

“If he was seeing someone else? No. I keep hoping he’ll do exactly that and move on with his life, but he claims there will never be anyone to replace me. When he says
things like that, I can’t help wondering what happened to all the other women he wanted when we were married.”

“I guess they were more desirable to him when they were off-limits.”

Jaclyn wanted to know if Cole could identify with those feelings. Is that what had enticed him to break his own marriage vows? Is that what appealed to most philanderers? If so, she couldn’t relate. To her, an affair seemed fleeting and selfish and cheap.

“I guess,” she said. She really didn’t want to dwell on Terry’s extracurricular activities because she had to face the fact that Cole had the same reputation. And there were times—lots of times—when she didn’t want to acknowledge that. Times like now, when he looked so appealing in his faded blue jeans and Ralph Lauren sweater, the dark stubble of a day’s beard on his jaw.

“What about Alex?” he asked. “You think he’ll be okay? He didn’t seem to know what to do when he had his father and grandparents on one side of the bleachers, and you and me on the other.”

“I know. I’m sure he was afraid his father would take it personally or get angry if he spent too much time with us, but he likes you, so he was naturally drawn our way.”

“He’s a good boy.”

“He’s coming along. He still has some issues with the divorce, but he knows I love him and want what’s best for him. I’m hoping that will eventually conquer the negative. It has to, doesn’t it? I mean, otherwise, parents wouldn’t stand a chance of raising healthy, well-adjusted individuals—not with all the things that go wrong in life. Very few people have a perfect childhood.”

Cole’s gaze fell to the ground. Taking one hand out of his pocket, he kneaded the back of his neck as he asked, “You think love is enough?”

“I think it can compensate for a lot of things. It’s a lack of love that really hurts a child—or anyone, really.”

He nodded but didn’t say anything, his expression serious, as though he was pondering something important.

“What are you thinking about?” Jaclyn asked.

“I was just wondering if it’s ever too late.”

“For what?”

“For someone to receive the love they need.”

Surely some people received too little love too late, she thought. But weren’t there others out there, millions, who could still be whole and healthy if only they had someone to care about them? “That would probably depend on a lot of things,” she finally replied.

“Yeah.” He sighed and jammed his hand back in his pocket, then looked at her. “I want to see you,” he said.

The sudden change in topic took Jaclyn by surprise. His statement was simple and sincere, and she wanted to respond to it. Except that dating Cole went against everything she’d been telling herself for the past three months. She was finally out and on her own. Why break down now?

“I think we’ve already established that it’s probably best—”

“To what?” he interrupted. “Give up on what we feel?”

Evidently Jaclyn was far more transparent than she thought. “What do we feel?” she asked.

“That’s what I want to find out. And don’t tell me you don’t feel anything. I know better.”

“How?”

“From your birthday.”

Jaclyn raised a challenging eyebrow. She hadn’t made any protestations that night.

“Come on,” he said. “When we made love, I wasn’t alone emotionally any more than I was alone physically.”

It was Jaclyn’s turn to blush. She might not have made any protestations of love on her birthday, but she hadn’t held anything else back. To get the conversation on safe ground again, she said, “I’m just trying to make good
choices. It’s so important now that I’m on my own with the kids.”

“I understand. That’s why I let you pull away the first time. But now, I’m not sure it’s such a good choice.”

“So what do you want? To see a movie once in a while, you and me? Or are you interested in including the kids?”

He shrugged and gazed toward a car turning at the corner. Headlights swung toward them, then away as the vehicle pulled into a driveway up the street.

“Why can’t we do both?” he asked. “I don’t have any expectations. Let’s just start at ground zero and try not to decide the ending before we finish the beginning. I’ll promise to take things slow, if you’ll promise to trust me.”

Trust him? A known philanderer?

“I’m not sure I can do that.”

“I’m not like Terry,” he said.

Jaclyn had wanted him to say those words ever since she’d run into him at Joanna’s. She’d wanted to hear him claim his innocence, or at least declare his reformation, but he’d never offered any justification for his past, and he didn’t now. He just looked at her with hope shining in his eyes, willing her to believe him.

Somehow his silence went a lot farther toward breaking down her defenses than any amount of talking could have done.

“I know you’re a lot stronger than Terry in many ways,” she said. “You wouldn’t have been able to accomplish what you’ve accomplished if you weren’t, but—”

He grasped her by the shoulders and stared down at her. “I won’t cheat on you, Jackie,” he said, then he kissed her.

Jaclyn closed her eyes, savoring the feel of Cole’s lips on hers. His breath fanned her cheek and his hand cupped the back of her head, but it wasn’t a passionate kiss. It was soft and sweet and endearing, and it begged her to believe in him.

The smell of his aftershave filled her nostrils as his
tongue met hers, tasting like mint, and Jaclyn felt her resistance crumble. She could
try
to trust him, couldn’t she? It wasn’t so much to ask.

Breaking off the kiss long before Jaclyn wanted him to, he lifted his head and smiled down at her. “Can I see you tomorrow?”

Heart beating in her throat, Jaclyn gazed into eyes that were dark and intense beneath an unruly lock of black hair, and knew she couldn’t refuse him.
It’s only a date,
she told herself.
No big deal. I can back out at the first sign of trouble.

Oh God, who was she kidding?

“Why don’t you come for dinner at six?” she heard herself say.

“I’ll be here,” he promised with a grin. Then he got in his truck and drove away, leaving Jaclyn standing in the street, still hungry for his touch, still aching for his embrace.

H
E’D BEEN A FOOL
to insist Rick make the first move to heal the breach between them.

Letting his engine idle, Cole sat outside Rick’s place and stared at his own reflection in the dark windows of the house. He’d left Jackie’s nearly two hours ago, but it had taken him that long, and nearly four cups of coffee at the local Denny’s, to work up the nerve to come out to his brother’s. Now he just needed to summon the courage to approach the door.

It’s a lack of love that really hurts a child….

Cole took a deep breath and let that statement swirl around in his mind some more. Is that where he’d failed Rick? Did Rick know how important he was to Cole? Or had Cole given his brother everything except what a child needed most?

It was certainly possible. Cole wasn’t much for psychology. After surviving his childhood with his sanity intact, he hadn’t wanted to delve inside his head or anyone else’s, for fear of what he might unearth there. But looking back, he could certainly see how a young boy in Rick’s situation—acting out like he was—could get his signals crossed. For years every exchange Cole had with his brother had been negative. Maybe Rick didn’t know Cole cared. Maybe he’d never known.

“Shit,” Cole grumbled, killing the engine. If Rick didn’t know, he needed to tell him, but it wasn’t going to be easy.
He and his brother just didn’t communicate on that level. They never had.

But if that’s what stood between them…

Getting out, Cole approached the door and rang the bell. Rick’s car was in the driveway, but all the lights were out. He was probably asleep, which meant Cole would wake him—again. He considered waiting for morning, an option that was certainly growing in appeal, but decided he’d better say what he’d come to say and be done with it. Or he might never get it said.

Nothing happened for several minutes, so Cole rang the bell again.

Finally the porch light came on and Rick opened the door, wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants. “Cole?” he said, scratching his head.

“Yeah.”

“Tell me you’re not here to ask about the game last Sunday.”

“No.” This time Cole wasn’t going to say anything about sports or business or the past. This time he was going to set the record straight between them, once and for all.

Except, he couldn’t talk. Now that the moment had arrived, his heart was making such a racket, he could scarcely hear above it, and his eyes—damn them—were starting to water.

“I wanted to tell you something,” he said.

Rick’s expression remained guarded. “What? If it’s about work—”

“It’s not about work. It’s…”

Suddenly Cole couldn’t fight the tears filling his eyes, and his chest tightened to the point that he could scarcely breathe. But he wouldn’t let himself turn away. Because worse than being a thirty-two-year-old man standing on his brother’s doorstep and crying like a baby was the fear that his brother didn’t know, had never known, how he truly felt.

Hands clenching and unclenching, he said, “I love you, dammit.”

It came out as a hoarse whisper. A pathetic attempt. Cole cleared his throat and forced his next words, loud and clear, past the lump that threatened to choke him. “I…have always…loved you.”

Then, too embarrassed to wait for Rick’s reaction, he turned on his heel and left.

S
TUNNED
, R
ICK STOOD
in the doorway and watched the taillights of Cole’s Navigator disappear from sight. He’d never seen his brother cry—not when their mother died, not when their father died a year later, and not when he divorced Rochelle. Through the most difficult part of his life, Cole had always been strong and aloof and practical. The entire family had leaned on him, and he’d pulled them through.

Yet he’d just knocked on Rick’s door with tears in his eyes and said, “I love you.”

Rick rubbed the whiskers on his jaw and shook his head. His first instinct was to go after Cole, but he knew, for the moment, his brother would rather be alone. Rick didn’t know what he’d say if he caught up with him, anyway. The problems between them weren’t going to disappear overnight, but Rick knew he loved his brother back. There was no doubt about that. He’d always loved him, had admired Cole like no one else. Maybe that was enough to make things right. Maybe if they agreed to clear away all the resentment from the past and build on that foundation…

It was certainly worth a shot. Rick wanted to feel like part of the family again. And missed Perrini Homes. He’d actually been thinking, now that he had his classes rolling along, that he’d like to go back to work part time. School was a challenge, but he’d talked Abby, the girl from his English class, into studying with him, and she was helping him a great deal. He was gaining confidence, starting to
believe he could handle it—just as long as he could handle her. Abby was a feisty number who made no secret of the fact that she planned to wear his ring someday. But he’d managed to keep things from getting too serious. The two of them were spending a lot of time together, but they were still wearing the label “friends.”

Finally closing the door, he went to the phone in his kitchen and dialed the office at Perrini Homes. He knew Cole wouldn’t be there yet, but he wanted to leave a message on his answering machine.

“You’ve reached Oak Ranch, another fine development by Perrini Homes,” a woman’s voice said. Was it Jaclyn? No. Had to be the new real-estate agent. What was her name? Margaret? The fact that Rick didn’t know her brought back that poignant feeling that he was missing out on something important.

“We’re located near the beautiful Washoe County Golf Course….”

Impatiently tapping his finger against the table, Rick waited through the address and office hours for the
beep.
When it sounded, he said, “Cole, this is Rick. I hear the Forty-niners are playing the Vikings this weekend. Any chance you’d like to come over and watch the game?”

D
INNER HAD BEEN GREAT
.
Perfect, in fact. The whole evening had been ideal. Jaclyn couldn’t remember a time when she’d enjoyed herself more. But after spending another four hours in Cole’s company, she found herself more hesitant than ever before to trust him. Ironically enough, it was because he was doing everything
right.

True to his word, he was taking things slow. He hadn’t touched her all night, hadn’t kissed her when he left at the surprisingly early hour of ten o’clock. He’d simply talked and laughed and let everyone enjoy his presence. He’d brought the makings for ice cream sundaes. He’d helped with dinner. He’d pulled out a new Nintendo game he’d
bought for the kids, then played it with them for more than an hour.

By the time he left, Alex was asking when he’d be coming over again. Mackenzie was begging him to stay longer. And Alyssa, poor little Alyssa, who missed the physical contact she’d once had with her father, was demanding hug after hug goodbye. Cole was capturing her children’s hearts as effortlessly as he’d won her own, and it was making Jaclyn nervous. They didn’t understand what was at risk here. It was up to her to protect them.

But if she shut Cole out of their lives, she might be denying herself and her children something wonderful.

Good or bad? How did she decide?

With a groan, Jaclyn rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling above her bed. Had Cole changed since his days with Rochelle? And if so, had he changed enough?

I ran into Rochelle a few years back…She said you cheated on her…Is it true?

And then Cole’s response:
Yes.

Jaclyn rubbed her eyes.
If he’s done it once, he could certainly do it again.

He won’t, regardless of what came before. He said he’ll never cheat on me.

Kicking off the covers, she sat up and stared at the phone. She needed to talk to Cole, and she needed to do it tonight. Her real-estate test was only one day away. She had to make a decision about him so she could concentrate on something else.

The glowing digits on her alarm clock said it wasn’t quite eleven. Hoping he’d still be up, and thinking it likely considering he’d left only forty-five minutes earlier, she called him.

Cole answered on the second ring. “Hello?”

“Cole?”

“Jaclyn. I thought you were going to bed early so you’d be all set to study tomorrow.”

“I’m in bed. I just can’t sleep,” she admitted.

“Is something wrong?”

Jaclyn had fully planned to ask Cole about his marriage to Rochelle and what had happened with the other women during that time. She needed to know, to make an informed decision. Was it an isolated incidence? A long-term affair with one woman? Brief affairs with many women? It made a difference. But at the sound of Cole’s voice, the desire to see him hit Jaclyn so strong that she couldn’t frame a single one of those difficult questions. She could only marvel at the fact that he’d been gone less than an hour and already she felt willing to walk across a bed of nails to be with him again, if need be.

“I—I just wanted to thank you for treating the kids so nicely tonight,” she said, stalling in the hope she’d be able to summon the nerve before they hung up.

“You have great kids. It’s easy to treat them nicely.”

“That was an expensive Nintendo game you bought. I feel I should pay you for it.”

“Why? I wanted to buy it. I thought Alex might like it.”

“He does.”

There was a short silence. “Dinner was good,” he said.

“Thanks.”

“Do you need me to quiz you on your real-estate facts tomorrow? I’m watching the game with Rick, but I could come by afterward.”

Jaclyn sat up taller. “You and Rick are talking again?”

“Yeah.”

“How did that happen?”

“Last night you said something that wised me up. I went over to his place after I left your house and tried to clear the air.”

“Wow, what did I say that had such an impact?”

“You said love can compensate for a lot. That sort of simplified things for me.”

Love could compensate for a lot. Love and forgiveness.
Was there a message in that for her, too? “I’m glad. So you and Rick have decided to put your differences behind you?”

“Old habits and grudges die hard, but we talked on the phone for nearly an hour this morning. We’re going to work on it.”

“Is he coming back to Perrini Homes?”

“He’s thinking about it. Maybe part-time. He hasn’t decided for sure.”

“That would be great. Would you still keep the new guy, Brandon?

“Yeah. We’re growing fast. I think I can keep them both busy. So how ’bout it, Jackie?”

“How ’bout what?” she echoed.

“You want me to come over tomorrow?”

Jaclyn wanted him to come over
now.
She wanted to lose herself in his arms and let love do the rest. Somehow the future and the dangers that loving Cole entailed seemed so much farther away in the dark, with the children fast asleep in their beds. But she and Cole had agreed to take things slowly, and she knew that was by far the wiser course. Besides, she didn’t want the children to wake in the middle of the night and find him in her bed.

“Cole?” she asked, without answering his question.

“Yeah?”

“Did you love the other woman?”

“What other woman?”

“The one you stepped out with?”

Silence, then, “I thought you were going to try and trust me.”

“I am trying. But I have to know your side of things. I’m hoping the truth isn’t as bad as what I’ve been imagining.”

Jaclyn heard him sigh softly. “Haven’t you ever done something you regret the moment it’s done, Jackie? Something you’ve promised yourself you’ll never repeat?”

“Yes,” she said, grabbing onto the sincerity in his voice and letting it ring through her. “Everybody makes those kind of mistakes now and then. Is that what it was, Cole? Is that all it was?”

“Yes. A one-time thing. A mistake. And, no, I didn’t love her. I got into the situation in the first place because I didn’t love Rochelle, either.”

Jaclyn felt a twinge of pity for Cole. He’d married Rochelle because of the baby. He’d done what he considered to be right even though he
didn’t
love her. Surely that spoke volumes about the kind of man he was, didn’t it? Didn’t that say as much for him as a brief affair said against him?

“Have you ever been in love?” she asked.

This time he paused so long that Jaclyn was beginning to fear he’d hung up. “Only once,” he said at last.

“With Laura?”

“No. With a girl I met in my high school English class.”

Warmth filled Jaclyn, starting from somewhere deep inside and radiating outward all the way to her fingers and toes. She let the grin that warmth brought with it break across her face. “The one you saw on your first day? The one who looked up and smiled at you?”

“That’s the one.”

“Do you think you could ever love her again?”

“I don’t think I ever stopped.”

“Y
OU’RE A HELL OF A ONE
for a party today, Cole. Are you thinking about work or something?” Rick asked, muting the sound while he flipped through the channels on his television during a commercial break in the football game.

“Cole’s always thinking about work, ain’t that right, Cole?” Chad said from where he lay stretched out on the couch. So far it had been a leisurely Sunday, cool but clear outside. Cole, Chad and Rick were all lounging around Rick’s living room, full of pizza and nachos and beer. The
stereo played an old rock station softly in the background, and the whole place smelled like pepperoni and onions, the two most abundant toppings on their pizza.

But Cole hadn’t been thinking about work. Not today. Or yesterday, for that matter. Or the day before. Ever since Jaclyn reappeared in his life, he’d had trouble thinking about anything but her, and considered it no small miracle that his business was doing as well as it was, given his sudden lack of interest.