Watching From The Shadows: Trident Security Book 5 (15 page)

Sighing in relief, she turned her head to kiss his palm. “My fault. I should have given you a little time to adjust. We don’t have to commit to any names yet.”

“Nope. If it’s a boy, it’ll be John Devon Sawyer. But what if it’s a girl?”

She was about to answer, but as a wave of nausea hit her again, she slammed her hand over her mouth, leaped from the bed, and made a beeline to the bathroom. Devon was right behind her, pulling her hair back for her once more, as her retching commenced. “That’s okay, Pet. We can think of a girl’s name later.”

* * *

Squatting in front of the outdoor refrigerator in
Ian’s Oasis
—as the ‘backyard’ of the compound had been dubbed—Marco slid bottles of beer and soda onto the bottom shelves. Around ten this morning, Kristen and Dev had decided to hold an afternoon barbecue for everyone since the eighty-seven-degree temperature was unseasonably warm for the beginning of February, even for Tampa.

The outdoor kitchen was filling up with enough food to feed the small army they were expecting—both Trident teams and their family and friends, in addition to the extra contract guards who were still roaming the compound. Harper, Kat, Angie, and Kristen were sorting through grocery bags, putting things either in bowls or leaning over him to store perishables on the upper shelves. Parker, Tiny, and Mitch were stacking some firewood Parker had brought with him for the fire pit for when the expected cooler weather rolled in later in the evening. On the far end of the area that Angie had designed for her fiancé, where the koi pond was with its waterfall, sat Karen and Boomer’s parents, Rick and Eileen Michaelson. In another sitting area, Jenn, Shelby, and Alyssa Wagner, the Michaelsons’ charge, were taking turns holding and entertaining a giggling Mara. Beau and Parker’s dog, Spanky, a huge bullmastiff, were at their feet, keeping watch over the tiny new addition to their group of favorite humans. Others would be arriving shortly.

It had been days since Rodgers had been found dead in his apartment. There had been enough evidence at the crime scene to say with certainty that the long-time criminal had been the person who’d planted the bomb at Harper’s. Unfortunately, that was all they were able to confirm. Who he’d been working with or for, and the motive behind the attacks on Harper were still a mystery. The team had been working with the police, trying to come up with a suspect from the list Harper had given them after going through her files the other day. To Marco’s exasperation, though, she was still refusing to give them any names from her Friends of Patty cases, which had resulted in a ‘disappearance’. She’d only given them a few names where the women still lived in the area, and their abusive husbands or boyfriends were behind bars for a long time. He understood her refusal to turn over the other names, even though it was frustrating has hell.

As for how things were going between the two of them, that was just as maddening for him. Being around Mara all the time now had been a bit of an eye-opener for him. He no longer panicked when she needed to be fed, changed, or just held. She was definitely growing on him…and so was her mother. But things between Harper and him seemed to be in some sort of holding pattern. There was no denying the attraction was still there, but their lifestyles were so different. Could he change? He wasn’t sure. Did she even want him to change? Again, that was an unknown. After the threat against her was taken care of, maybe he’d sit down and examine if there could be some sort of compromise between them. Until then, he’d continue sleeping on the new bed in Jake and Nick’s spare room, and taking cold showers.

Finished stocking the fridge, Marco stood and glanced up to see Will Anders, Kristen’s cousin, and Kayla and Roxy London joining the group in the backyard. He was surprised when Kayla squealed upon spotting Harper putting some snacks on one of the tables and pulled her into a hug. “Harper! Oh my God, girl! You look amazing. I haven’t seen you since we left Heat and joined here. Do you still go there?”

Marco froze.
What the fucking hell? Harper had been to Heat?
Oh, no, no, no, and fuck no! He had to have heard wrong with all the other chatter going on—Heat was the second-most-popular private BDSM club in Tampa, behind The Covenant.
Harper in a fetish club?
He was about to clear out his ear with a finger when he spotted her guilty-as-hell expression as she glanced over her shoulder at him. Turning away again, she hugged Kayla’s wife and then excused herself, hurrying back over to where the other women were preparing salads and sides to go with the barbecue, obviously hoping he would ignore what he’d just heard.
Oh, hell, no.

Checking to see that Mara was being taken care of by Jenn and Alyssa, he strode over to the outdoor kitchen and wrapped his hand around Harper’s bicep. “May I have a word with you, Harper, in private?”

She paled a little and bit her bottom lip. “
Um
, I’m helping get the food ready. Maybe later?”

“It may have sounded as a request, but consider it an order.” He purposely dropped his voice an octave causing Kristen, Kat, and Angie to stop what they were doing and look at him in surprise. It was clear none of them had heard Kayla’s announcement, but they knew his tone well from the club. It was the tone of a Dom who wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

For a split second, it appeared Harper was going to argue with him before she relented and gave him a slight nod of her head. As he led her toward the parking lot, she glanced over her shoulder.

“Don’t worry,” he reassured her through gritted teeth. “Mara is being well taken care of and spoiled rotten. I’d be worried about yourself, right now, if I were you.”

She tugged against his moderate grip, but he refused to let go. “Where are we going?”

“Somewhere where we can talk in private.”
And where I can flog your ass...

Marco didn’t say another word as he marched her across the lot, through the inside gate, and then up the stairs to the club. Placing his hand on the security scanner, he waited for the click signaling the door had unlocked, pulled it open and escorted Harper into the lobby. But he didn’t stop there. A few moments later, he had her downstairs in the pit, and finally came to a standstill next to one of the spanking benches, whirling her around so she was facing him. Her downcast eyes and the fact that she wasn’t taking in what should be unfamiliar surroundings, filled with an array of BDSM equipment and implements, told him he wasn’t mistaken. Harper was a submissive in the lifestyle. How the hell had he missed that all these years? Sure, they never hung out together unless Nina was with them...
holy shit!
“Please tell me Nina wasn’t in the lifestyle.”

Startled, her gaze met his stern one. “What? Because she was your sister, she wasn’t allowed to enjoy the benefits of a Dom/submissive relationship?”

“No! Yes!” He let go of her upper arm and ran the hand through his hair in frustration. “I mean…yes, she was allowed to do whatever she wanted, but I’ll be upset if she hid it from me. She knew I was a Dom and what that meant, but always told me it wasn’t for her.”

“Calm down. She wasn’t a submissive, or in the lifestyle at all.”

A flash of relief went through him before he focused on the real issue at hand. Crossing his arms, he frowned. “But you are.”

Her gaze dropped to his chest. It had been a statement, not a question, but she responded anyway. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?”

She didn’t answer, and while he would normally let the silence continue until a sub began to squirm and felt compelled to talk, he couldn’t wait that long. “Answer me, Harper. Why?”

“Because…damn it!” She threw her hands in the air. “Because I was afraid you would want to play…and then I was afraid you wouldn’t want to play. I was attracted to you, but while I wanted a husband, in addition to a Dom, you’d made it clear on several occasions, to both Nina and I, that a wife and kids were out of the question. I was afraid if we played, I…” She turned her head away and her voice dropped to a whisper. “I was afraid I would fall in love with you and I couldn’t take that risk.”

Tears spilled over and ran down her cheeks, and Marco wanted to kick his own ass. How the hell had he been so stupid and blind? It would never have worked between them, but at least he could’ve nipped her insecurities in the bud. Or maybe he couldn’t have.

Fuck!
Part of him was thrilled at this revelation while the other part was scared shitless. Was it because of their past, and not just their mutual attraction, that the urge to top her was so strong? To be her one and only? Was it because of the permanent connection they now had to each other in the form of a child? A child who was growing on him every time he came in contact with her. Maybe this could work. Maybe he could do the right thing—and reap the benefits of it— without feeling trapped in a relationship he never expected to be in. But she’d already turned down his offer to get married, and she’d made it clear that she would only marry for love. Did he love her? Shit, he wasn’t sure. He cared for her, yes, but what the hell did he know about love? Of course, he’d loved his sister, but that wasn’t the same thing. And what about what Harper was feeling? She hadn’t said she was in love with him, only that she was afraid she
could
fall in love with him.

“Maybe we should give this a shot?”

Returning her gaze to his, her brow furrowed in confusion. “Give what a shot? What the hell are you talking about?”

“You and I. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there is something between us besides the sexual attraction. I honestly don’t know, Harper, but the more time I spend with you, and with Mara, the less I want to walk away after we find out what’s going on and put an end to the threat. I’m...I’m just scared, I guess.”
What the hell? Where the fuck had that come from?

She placed her hand on his forearm, her eyes filled with concern and bewilderment. “Scared of what? Me? Mara?”

Desperate to touch her, to get closer to her, he cupped her chin with both hands and silently urged her to take a step forward. “I’m scared I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m scared because I have no idea how to be a father…or a husband. I have no role models. How do you know I won’t fuck this up? I’m terrified I’m going to do something wrong…something that would be harmful to Mara or you. Not physically…thank God that wasn’t something Nina and I had to deal with growing up. Only neglect. But what if I’m such a horrible father Mara grows to hate me?”

“Marco...” She closed and opened her mouth again, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. “What do you think makes a good father?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, if you could conjure up the ideal father you would’ve loved to have had growing up, what would he have been like? I’m sure you had dreams of one before you became jaded.”

Needing a minute to think about it, he took her hand and stepped over to a wing-back chair in one of the nearby conversation and after-care areas. Sitting, he pulled her down on his lap, encircling her hips with his arms. Communication was a huge part of the lifestyle he’d participated in for years, but usually, he was on the listening end. Many of the subs came to him for advice, comfort, or a sympathetic ear. He didn’t know exactly why they were drawn to him, but over the years he found he enjoyed being needed, and he’d become good at being a Dom the subs could trust with their troubles and trepidations.

But this time, the shoe was on the other foot and the normally confident Dom needed to trust someone else with his fears. If he was honest with himself, he’d admit seeing his teammates find their significant others had him wondering what it would be like to have someone permanent in his life. Someone to grow old with. Someone to love and who loved him back.

He had to try to open up and trust someone with his heart. Well, not just someone. He didn’t want just any woman—he wanted Harper. And not just physically—although there was no denying he wanted to be inside her as often as possible—but he was getting used to her being around all the time again. Like when the two of them had devoted all their spare time to taking care of Nina. He suddenly realized the silence that had nearly driven him crazy the nights he’d been home alone those first few weeks after returning from his mission, weren’t only because Nina was suddenly gone, but Harper had been gone, too.
Damn, Nina must be laughing her ass off in the afterlife right now.

Clearing his throat, he adjusted her on his lap to give his growing erection some room. He couldn’t help it—the feel of her lush bottom, so close to his cock, was making it impossible to ignore how much he wanted to bend her over a spanking bench and take her from behind. He pushed the thought from his mind and concentrated on answering her question. “I don’t know. I guess a father who was there all the time when I needed him. You know, took me to ballgames, played catch on a Saturday morning, taught me how to fish…how to be a man. Someone who taught me what it was like to be loved, someone I could look up to.” He paused and he swallowed the sudden lump threatening to block his next words. “Someone who took the burden of me having to grow up so quickly, in order to take care of Nina.”

“Oh, Marco.” Harper reached up and caressed his cheek as he leaned into her touch. “I think Mara would love to have a father to take her to ballgames, play catch, and teach her to fish. She also needs a man to show her how a woman is supposed to be treated, so she knows what to look for in the men she’ll date someday. Someone she can look up to and respect because he’s a good man. He doesn’t have to be perfect because that’s unrealistic—nobody’s perfect. As long as she knows she can go to him when she needs comfort or help with a problem…or a burden…then I think she’ll have a damn good father.”

It hit Marco dead in the face. Carter had been right. Whatever made him a good Dom, who the subs came to in their time of need, could be channeled into parenthood. Nothing would change the fact he was now a
father
, but honestly, he already had the skills to be a
dad
like the one he’d wished for as a child. Realistically, no one was prepared for raising a child, it was something you learned as you went. Trial and error. Could he do this? Could he seriously be the primary male figure in his daughter’s life? Images of Mara and him experiencing the milestones of her life—big and small—flooded his mind. Her first steps. The first day of school. Teaching her to ride a bicycle, fish, and anything else she was interested in. Helping with her homework. Showing her how to defend herself against the creeps in this world. Watching as some snot-nosed kid took her to the prom after Marco warned what would happen if the boy didn’t treat her right. Her wedding day.