Walk on the Wild Side (15 page)

‘I was driving to the house and saw you keel over. Good thing the traffic was moving so slow or I might have missed you.'

‘Yeah.' Kelsi squinted as she tried to force her vision to focus. Her brain felt scrambled.

‘You want me to call Jack?' Alice bobbed down, patting Kelsi's shoulder.

‘No, don't,' Kelsi said quickly—her mind jerking back to its last-remembered realisation. ‘No. Please don't bother him. This is just nothing.'

If he heard about this, he might freak out. He might postpone going. And as much as she really wanted that, she knew it wasn't right. She didn't want him to stay here
because of fears—she didn't want him to be trapped. That would be worse than anything.

Alice frowned. ‘You really don't look so good, Kelsi. You're very pale.'

‘I'm always pale.' Kelsi stretched her lips into something like a smile. ‘Look, I'll go into that café just there. I forgot to have breakfast, that's all. I'm fine. Really, I am.'

‘Are you sure?'

‘Oh, yes.' Forcing animation into her answer, she then went for distraction. ‘I had such a great time looking over your ideas folder for the house. You've got some great things in there. I was so pleased you picked up on some of the old features.'

Alice's expression lightened. Kelsi smiled harder and talked for another few minutes about the project, carefully getting to her feet and trying to hide how huge the effort was.

Alice walked with her to the door of the café but then glanced at her watch. ‘I'd better get going. Are you sure you're all right now?'

‘Absolutely.' She couldn't let her go without a final plea. ‘Don't mention it to him, will you? It's so embarrassing and he'll worry unnecessarily. You know how men sometimes do…' Kelsi trailed off and smiled in the hope Alice would enter into the sisterhood-sticks-together spirit.

‘Sure.' Alice finally smiled back. ‘I'll be in touch with you next week and we can arrange a trip to look at some fabric swatches, OK?'

‘That'd be great.'

Kelsi went to the counter and ordered hot chocolate and hot toast. As she made herself eat, she hoped that Alice would keep her word. Jack had to get on that plane. Nothing could stand in his way.

 

Jack aimlessly wandered about the big bare space downstairs. He'd ordered a taxi to get him to the airport but as it was a domestic flight first he didn't have to be there hours in advance. And he didn't have much baggage to check through because his snowboard gear was in Canada already.

He ran his hand along the pared-back walls. When he got back, most of the work would be done and the house would look completely different. Whole again, not broken up into pieces that were too small. He couldn't wait to see what Kelsi did with it—to lie on a sofa and stare at whatever collection of disparate objects she'd put together. She'd make it a really nice home.

Her
home, he reminded himself. Not his.

He turned his back on the room, jogging upstairs to grab his bag—suddenly needing to grip on to his future. He buzzed the taxi company and got them to pick him up immediately—leaving the signed forms for Alice to collect when she got in. He didn't really need to see her, Kelsi would give her all the instructions.

At the airport he picked up a coffee and a paper and paced around the boarding lounge, telling himself everything had worked out for the best. It was good they'd scaled back to a manageable level of friendship. All very sensible.

At last his flight was called. And all of a sudden he felt more physically incapacitated than when his knee had crunched out the wrong way.

He couldn't move. Didn't want to. His whole body ached as if he had some virulent flu. And then it went hard because all he could think of was Kelsi, Kelsi, Kelsi.

Mortified at his sudden regression into out of control teen boy, he forced his feet to get him onto the plane. She didn't want him. It was just sex. That was all he was
walking away from and he'd get back in the game with someone else sometime.

Now his stomach felt sick.

Cold sweat slithered over his body. He was being so stupid. They'd sorted an arrangement that would work for the baby. Kelsi had a home that would soon be wonderful, she was as safe and secure as he could make her. Everything was as good as it could possibly be. He was free to go back to the snow and not have to worry. So why did he feel so rotten?

He squashed himself into his seat. He'd feel better once he got there. He closed his eyes and visualised the mountain. Imagined a helicopter ride up to the top and looking down on the perfect virgin powder ready for him to shred.

He opened his eyes again and sighed. The thrill would come back. He just had to get where the challenge was.

His gut twinged painfully. There was a challenge here, too. A challenge he was walking away from. Not that little baby. But the beautiful mother—the beyond-all-boundaries trick who put pepper in his pulse.

His ride with Kelsi most definitely had not been easy—but wicked for sure. And when had he ever walked away from a challenge that posed such risk?

Since when was he such a chicken?

He closed his eyes again to picture a slope. But instead, Kelsi's teasing smile danced in front of him. Excitement surged. He gripped the armrests as he realised the thrill wasn't just physical—it was total, mind and soul.

The elderly woman seated beside him gave him a cold look.

He couldn't bring himself to care because his heart had suddenly grown too big for his chest and it was pounding too hard.

He
was
walking away from the biggest challenge of his life. He, who thought nothing of putting himself in physical danger, had been too scared to put his heart on the line. To tell her the
truth
. He needed to tell her about his mother, and about how he felt and what he wanted from her—as in everything. He couldn't hide it any more, not from himself or from her. He had to be honest. That was all that mattered now.

His body ached all the more as he thought about baring himself so brutally. Would she respond in kind? Did she ever?

No. He almost laughed—but it hurt too much.

Kelsi covered up all the time—literally and emotionally. It was her specialty. He bent his head, inwardly groaning at his blindness. He already knew she'd lied—like when she'd said she hadn't had morning sickness but he'd heard her. She'd been all defensive pride. She was terrified of getting too close, because she was even more terrified of rejection.

He tensed up as he thought of that. So had those devastating words been lies, too? When she'd said his leaving didn't bother her? Had she been rejecting him before he could reject her? Like some warped method of self-defence?

He winced—both hopeful and devastated. She'd been hurt and he'd been hurt and they'd both been blind to each other.

Yet so much of what she'd said had been true—maybe he was selfish, and, yes, until now he'd never wanted to settle. The thought of being stuck in one place still made his blood bubble. But the security he sought now wasn't of place, but of heart.

She
was his home.
She
was the foundation that had been missing for ever.

He'd meant it when he'd said he had a lot to offer their child. And he had so much to offer her, too: his loyalty, his life, his love—and that was just for starters. And he wanted them both to be proud of him. The satisfaction would last for ever if he brought it home to share with the ones he loved. It would make everything worthwhile. And he wanted to support them in the same way—as they realised hopes and dreams and dealt with disappointments.

Way too late he realised he wanted it all with them. With her.

The bad feeling was worsening now. Had he suddenly got claustrophobic? Because he was finding it hard to breathe in this too-tiny cabin. His heart rate skipped faster. He straightened out his aching knee—having to twist on an angle to do it. The action earned him another frown from the woman seated next to him. He hated the fact the airline had cut first class from the domestic routes. He needed the space to stretch out today. Or to fidget.

Actually maybe it would be better if he just got off the plane. He really wasn't feeling so good. But the light went on above his head and the little bell chimed. He obeyed the instruction and fastened his seat belt. It was too late now. It was time for take-off.

K
ELSI
sat at work 'til late because she wanted to delay going back to the big, empty house. But eventually she had to move—she didn't want it to get dark before she walked home. The late summer sun still warmed the path but she felt cold and alone. She put her hand in her pocket and toyed with her phone. She had to talk to someone. And there really was only the one person who could come close to understanding.

She was silly for being so afraid to tell her. Now she realised there was nothing to be ashamed of—she loved the father of her baby, she wanted her baby and loved it already, too. Their situation might not ever be perfect, but nothing ever was, right? It could all be OK. She was proud of Jack, would welcome him into her child's life whenever he was back. But she had to let him go—that was what loving him meant. And he was worthy of her love.

And her baby deserved all her pride.

So she finally phoned her mother.

A few tears, some laughter. A lot of understanding—and excitement, too. They talked almost her entire walk home. Relieved and emotional and alternately happy and despairing, Kelsi agreed to go and visit her mum soon.

As she turned down her street she put her phone away. Her pace slowed as she saw movement behind the
fencing—up by the house. Had one of the builders stayed later to clean up something? The padlock on the chain was open, the gate ajar—waiting for her return.

He was sweeping dust from the deck. Tall and fit and undeniably Jack.

Her heart squeezed with joy. And then disappointment smashed it.

‘Alice told you.' She was so happy to see him again but he wasn't here for any of the right reasons. It hurt even more. ‘Jack, you need to go.'

She needed him to go
now
. Before she threw herself at him. His leaving was the worst thing that could happen to her but she had to let him go. He wasn't capable of living the kind of life she needed. He didn't want the same things from her as she wanted from him. She'd been right, they weren't compatible in any of the things that mattered. But she loved him and he needed to be free.

He carefully leaned the broom against the wall. ‘I'm not going.'

She carefully climbed the steps, forcing herself to keep her emotions in check. ‘But you love shredding the mountains. It's your life.'

‘Life changes.' He shrugged. ‘So do priorities.'

Damn it, she didn't want fear to stop him from achieving. ‘But—'

‘I can't win with you, can I?' He suddenly blew up. ‘God, I actually thought you might be pleased to see me. But no matter what I do—the compromises I try to make—it's never right for you. I'm not right.' He took a step towards her, tension rolling off him. ‘What do I have to do for you? What do I have to do for you to want me?'

Desperately she held back her heart. ‘I don't want you to be someone you're not.'

‘But you can't be with the person I am. I have no choice
but to change, Kelsi. I'll do whatever I have to do, to be with you.'

‘Look, I'm fine, Jack,' Kelsi said, knowing she couldn't believe what he was saying, knowing this was simply concern. ‘The baby is fine. I don't know what Alice told you but—'

‘I haven't talked to Alice,' he interrupted roughly. ‘Whatever she wants can wait.'

Kelsi frowned. ‘But this is about the baby—'

‘You still don't trust me, do you?' he roared. ‘How the hell do I get you to trust me?' Furious, he stalked over to her, yelling in her face. ‘This isn't about the baby. This is about
you
. And
me
. And my inability to leave you.'

‘What?'

‘I don't want to go without you, OK? I don't want to leave
you
.'

‘But—'

‘Kelsi, I want to be with you more than I want anything in my life. More than anything. So I'm staying.' He grabbed her shoulders with hard fingers. ‘I can't have you come with me because I cannot cope with the idea of you being on the road while pregnant. That's just not something I can handle. My mum died having me, Kelsi. They were halfway up a mountain and I came early and she haemorrhaged and there wasn't the care she needed. So I need to know you're in a city and near a hospital and safe. And, as irrational as that may be, you're just going to have to let me away with it because that's one thing I just can't get past, so don't expect me to. I can't take you any place remote and vulnerable. It's just not going to happen, OK?'

‘OK.' She nodded, her limbs trembling. ‘I get that one.'

‘Well, can you get the rest a little quicker, please? Because I'm going insane here.'

‘What's the rest?'

‘I love you. I love you. I love you.'

His arms were tight around her and his words ran over each other, all over her, and she couldn't see through the sheen of tears, couldn't breathe because her face was pressed hard into his shoulder.

‘Jack?' she gasped, her fingers clutching at his shirt as she tried and failed to comprehend this magic.

Eventually he took her hands in his, not quite calmly saying it again. And more. ‘We'll stay here until the baby arrives. Then I can prep for the season in Karearea. You and the baby can stay in the lodge with me. Is that OK? Do you think you could want that?'

‘Oh—'

His mouth moved over hers—not giving her the chance to answer. The kiss was wet and didn't work well because she was sobbing and shaking but it didn't matter. He was here and he was real and not only was he not leaving, he wasn't letting her go.

Finally he lifted his head and looked her directly in the eyes. ‘You're so precious to me,' he said. ‘You're everything to me. And it scares me so much. So much more than any sheer slope.'

Kelsi still couldn't move, still couldn't believe. ‘Is it me or is it the baby?'

‘Kelsi, I came back for you. It's always been you. Before we even knew about the baby, it was you.'

Her stunned-mullet reaction made him haul her closer and speak even faster. ‘From the moment I saw you, you got into my heart and I need you there. I should have known at the time. You're the whole reason I came back from Canada—it wasn't my stupid knee. It was you. And now, yes, the baby, too. I've got you both and I never knew how much I needed you.'

‘But I don't want you to ruin your life.' Her tears streamed. ‘I don't want you giving up something you love so much because you want to do the right thing.'

‘This isn't the right thing. This is the
only
thing. I can't go. My happiness depends on staying. I'm still the same selfish jerk. Holding on to you is the most selfish thing I've ever done.' He bent his head, speaking in even more of a rush than before. ‘You're so strong, Kelsi. And courageous—far more courageous than me. And you're hard-working and talented and funny and I love everything about you.' He pulled her closer and she could feel how he was shaking, too.

‘You won't get bored?' she asked, painfully aware of how pitiful the question was, but she couldn't stop herself from asking it. ‘You're a man who loves a challenge, Jack.'

‘You know what?' he said softly. ‘I finally get what Dad meant when he said he had challenges bigger and more rewarding than Everest.
I
was his challenge, Kelsi. As you're mine. And our baby will be our challenge to deal with together. It's so exciting, don't you think? No bigger challenge than that. And we'll face it together.'

‘But I don't want you giving up everything. That's not fair.'

‘It's just this season—and it's half over already. I can train in the gym and then pick up again come the New Zealand winter. I'll still have to travel. And I'm still going for the Olympics and my gold medal. But maybe by then you and the baby could come with me?'

She crumpled and hid her face in his chest again. ‘I want to. I want to cheer you on and be there for you—oh, everywhere. I want your kind of excitement. I want the adventure. I wanted to change my life for you, too, Jack.' Her voice broke. ‘I just didn't think you wanted me to.'

‘Kelsi…' he groaned. ‘You can trust me, darling. I'm never going to leave you, I'm never going to let you down. So don't ever hold back from me—don't hide. You don't have to protect yourself any more, because it's my job to protect you.'

Fighting back the sobs, she mumbled the plan she'd so secretly dreamed of. ‘I can work anywhere,' she said quickly. ‘Wireless internet, you know? I can freelance. It'll be fun.'

‘
After
the baby's born. You're staying within five miles of a hospital until then.'

‘OK.' And she finally felt the warmth as it sank in. He was here. He really was here for her. He wanted her and together they could have it all.

‘And you know we have a lot to do in the next few months. We have to get this place fixed up.'

She nodded, her smile unstoppable.

‘And maybe…' His voice trailed off and he cleared his throat. ‘Neither of us are particularly mainstream, Kelsi. But do you think you could cope with something as conventional as marriage?'

She looked, saw the flicker of uncertainty, and her confidence soared. ‘I'm more of a traditionalist than you think, Jack Greene. Because I don't class that as a proposal.'

He laughed and pressed a quick kiss to her mouth, then dropped to his knees before her. ‘You like me like this, don't you?' he teased.

‘You know I do.' She cupped her hands on his jaw—feeling the stubble, the strength, seeing the sudden flash of tenderness, passion, truth in his eyes.

‘Please marry me, Kelsi.' He wasn't joking now.

‘Are you sure?'

His groan was pure desperation. ‘Kelsi—'

‘Yes,' she whispered. ‘Yes, please.'

He scooped her up swiftly, easily, shouldering the door open and taking the stairs two at a time.

‘Watch your knee,' she said breathlessly, clinging to him.

He laughed and barged into her bedroom. But when he laid her on the bed his expression went serious again—and sorry.

‘I got on the plane and pretty much freaked out. I'm so sorry I thought I could walk out on you. On this.'

This time the kiss was sublime. This time the kiss was endless and infinitely tender. This time he was the one who trembled—as if the reality of what had almost happened hit him. That he'd almost lost her.

He pulled her close and she sensed his urgency—the conflicting needs tearing him apart as he tried to stay gentle while desperate to be with her as deeply and as quickly as possible.

‘Relax,' she soothed as she kissed him back with as much love as she had in her.

‘I'm sorry,' he choked. ‘I'm so sorry.'

‘Shh.' She kissed him again and kept kissing him so he could no longer agonise.

His face flushed, his fingers trembling as he reached out to her. And so she welcomed him—opening herself up so he could access every last inch of her heart and soul. She smiled as he claimed his spot in the very centre of her. He muttered her name over and over, the words of love over and over. He couldn't hold them back and she couldn't hide how they affected her.

In his arms she was bared completely, at her most vulnerable.

And never so safe.

 

They lay quietly for a few moments, recovering from the overload of sensation and emotion. And then he stretched out with a sigh and a smile of absolute satisfaction. ‘We really need to think about designing the master bedroom.'

‘Where's that going to be?' Kelsi frowned as she tried to concentrate. Now she thought about it, she hadn't seen it on the plans.

‘Right about here,' he said, watching her closely. ‘I'm going to take out your flat. You don't mind?'

‘No.' Happiness ran through her veins faster than the blood he'd already heated. The house would be whole, just as they'd be whole—together. ‘It'll be fun creating something new.'

His expression lit up as he gave her a huge smile. ‘Maybe we should build our own place on Karearea, too, rather than staying at the lodge.'

‘You're going to build homes everywhere now?'

‘Sure. Now I have the family to keep in them.'

And that sweet statement so totally deserved a reward.

‘Have you told your mother about the baby yet?' he asked when he could speak again—quite some time later.

‘Yes,' Kelsi said softly.

He tilted her face so he could see it clearly. ‘We'll go and see her in person soon, OK? I can't wait to meet her.'

Her eyes were watering ridiculously now. Because he would—she knew with absolute certainty that she could count on him.

‘Kelsi?' He chuckled but wiped the tears away with gentle thumbs. A pointless exercise because it only made more tears flood her eyes and tumble down her cheeks.

‘Hormones, right?' he asked.

‘Totally.' She sniffed. ‘Not.' She threw her arms around him. ‘I love you, Jack Greene.'

He rolled so he could be the cushion for her head—and her heart. His sigh long and relieved. ‘Thank goodness.'

He brushed her hair and tears back and held her until the last of her doubts drained away. And at last she believed in him and in herself.

In each other's arms, they'd finally found home.