Waking Charley Vaughan (23 page)

We agreed to go shopping the next day for some real winter clothes for her. It would be cheap shopping, but we were up for the challenge.  We also had plans to start harassing banks tomorrow. Somehow, it would work. That’s what Codey kept telling me. I was pretty sure I believed her.

A little before midnight, I was too anxious to sleep. I decided to go for a walk to clear my head. I bundled myself up, throwing on my snow boots and grabbing my gloves on the way out the door.

As I was closing the door, Mrs. Arrington was coming down the steps, and stopped me.

“Hi Mrs. A,” I said cheerfully. “What are you doing up so late?” I asked her. I noticed she had a small bundle of items in her hand. She held them out toward me.

“I’m a night owl,” she said, “I was up doing some bookkeeping, and I heard you bumping around down here. I thought I’d bring you this,” she said. “Brennan came by looking for you, and he had those things to give you.”

I looked down at the small collection of things: a Spanish to English dictionary, some Spanish Soap Opera digests, and a six pack of Blue Moon. I grinned to myself.

“He seems like a sweet boy,” she said. “Is he a boyfriend?”

I laughed bitterly. “I don’t really know,” I told her. “I have no idea how he feels.”

“Well,” she began, “how do you feel?”

“I don’t know that either,” I told her.

“Charley, can I just say something to you?” she asked me, making a move to sit on the steps, and motioning for me to sit with her.

“Umm, sure,” I said, sitting down beside her so that our knees bumped in the small space.

“I have never been one to think that a girl needed a man in her life to survive. Lord knows I made it many years happier without my ex-husband than I ever had happy times with him. But what I do believe is that you need love. Not the one-sided love that you’ve seen from your mother, and from Matthew. Real love.”

I turned to look at her, unsure of where this was going.

“Now, I know I just met Brennan officially, but I’ve seen the two of you around the building. I’ve seen how you are when the two of you are together—how you’ve been since you got home from the hospital. I think you love that boy, Charley.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just looked down at my feet for a bit. “I don’t really think it’s a good idea for me to love someone, Mrs. A,” I told her. “It doesn’t seem to work out in my favor,” I said, gesturing toward the scar that was still visible on my head.

“Charley,” she said, gesturing back at my head. “You’ve got it in your head that all love looks like what you’ve already seen. And that’s just not true.  And this running away business—this cutting yourself off from the things you really want, and the people who really want good things for you—it’s no good, Miss Charley. Not for you, and not for the people who care about you.”

“Mrs. A,” I started. “How can two people be in love after just a matter of weeks?” For some reason, this made her smile. She looked at me, her eyes full of her usual kindness.

“Charley, in your case, the question is how can someone
not
fall in love after just a short while. And as far as your feelings for Brennan, it seems like you are running from him, not because you
don’t
love him, but because you don’t think you should.”

“But I shouldn’t,” I said without thinking. This caused her to raise an eyebrow.

“And why not? Is it because you think you’re going to hurt him, or because you think he’s going to hurt you?”

“Neither,” I said. “It just doesn’t make sense to love him so quickly.”

She laughed then. “And who exactly told you that love was supposed to make sense?  I have never--not one time--been in any kind of love that makes sense. And when you find love that’s good, and good for you—from a young man, or from a friend—even from a neighbor, the best thing you can do is to run toward it…not away from it. It’s not always easy to do, but it’s always worth it.”

“Besides,” she added, “I’m not saying to marry the boy. I’m just saying don’t avoid him, and don’t ignore your feelings for him because you’re afraid.”

She smiled then, and probably because I was on the verge of tears at the realization that I not only loved Brennan, but that I also loved her. She pulled me into a big, tight hug.

She kissed me on the top of my head, and said softly,  “If  you can go through your life being brave enough to run towards the things you deserve, and the people and the things that you love; then you will be rewarded with so much love, and so much joy in return. But if you keep running away from every  little thing that scares you,”  she held my shoulders and pulled me back to look into my eyes, “like Brennan-- then you’re gonna miss out on so much of what life has in store just for you, Miss Charley Vaughan.”

And then I said it. I said what the conversation was really about…what all of it had been really about from the moment I got off the plane in Denver six  years before. 

“What if,” I began, and tears flooded my eyes. “What if I just disappoint the people who love me? Or, what if they just get sick of me one day?”

I broke down completely then, sobbing into Mrs. Arrington’s sweater. “My own mother hates me! My own mother. She was the one person who was supposed to love me regardless of anything, and I could never make her love me. How am I ever supposed to trust that anyone else can? How can…how can I?”

I could barely make out her features for all of the tears I was blinking my way through. It seemed that the harder I tried not to cry, the harder and faster the tears came.

Mrs. Arrington pulled me back again, this time cupping my cheeks with her small, soft hands. “You listen to me, Charley,” she said sternly. “Anybody that can’t figure out how to love you…that’s their problem, and not yours.”

She wiped at my cheeks with the sleeves of her sweater. “Oh honey, I can’t even start to understand how much it hurts to miss that love from your momma. But, if we let it happen, God, or the Universe, or whatever you wanna call it, can bring us all the love we miss, and then some. It just comes from other people.”

I looked at her, sniffling. “You think so?” I asked her.

“I know so,” she said, smiling softly—her big hazel eyes sparkling as she did so. “I’ve never told you this, but, I lost my own daughter about 6 months before you moved in here. It’s why I was so stand-offish those first couple of months. I was still so hurt, and so full of anger. I kept asking God to take the anger, and the pain away, but every day I woke up hurting more than I had the day before.”

I was stunned. In all the years I had known her, I hadn’t known about her daughter. “Mrs. A,” I said, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she said, “You didn’t do anything.”

“How did it happen?” I asked. “How did she die?”

“A drunk driver,” she said, choking on the words. “Ran a red light, and crashed into her car when she was on her way home one night. The paramedic said she was gone by the time they got to the scene. She was a bright girl…a sweet girl. She was my whole world: my only baby,” she wiped away a tear then. “She reminded me very much of you.”

I put my hand into hers, and rested my head on her shoulder. “That’s why I couldn’t visit you in the hospital,” she said. “It just brought it all back, and it was too hard. That was selfish, and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” I told her. “You’re here now.”

We sat there, on the stairs, talking for over an hour. I thought I’d known her before that day, but after that talk, the small boundary line that had existed between us was gone. In one afternoon conversation, she became my family, and I became hers.

“Mrs. A,” I said, moving to stand up. “I’m so glad we had this talk, but it sucks at the same time.”

She laughed. “And what sucks about it?” she asked.

“Well, just when I feel like we are going to be even better friends, I’m going to be moving. I hate it. I’m going to miss you!” My eyes started to well up again.

“Moving?” she asked. “Where are you going?’

“Well, my sisters are going to be moving in with me,” I explained. “We can’t all three fit into my little apartment.”

“How wonderful!” she said, her eyes wide with excitement. “You know there’s a three bedroom upstairs don’t you?” she asked. I hadn’t known that. I thought it was just studios up there.

“That would be perfect!” I said enthusiastically. “I’ll have to talk to the landlord and see if it’s available.”

Mrs. Arrington smiled at me, and I didn’t quite understand why. “Since you’ve been occupied with getting healed and being out of town,” she began, “the building has come under new ownership. I think we can work something out. I’ve enjoyed having you as a neighbor, and I’d hate to lose you.”

She smiled before turning to walk back up the stairs. “It’s getting late,” she said. “We can discuss all the details next week.”

I looked down at my watch. She was right. If I hurried, though, I might be able to work in one more important conversation for the night.

***

I pulled my small car in the parking spot directly in front of the pub. I sat there for a  minute, trying to gather my thoughts. I finally got out of the car, and walked in. There weren’t many people there. It was nothing like the first night I’d been in. I saw him right away, and all the happiness and relief I had felt over the past few days had been multiplied.

He spotted me, and looked surprised, but didn’t smile. I walked over to the bar and sat down in the same spot I’d occupied the first night we met.

“Hey, what can I get ya?” he asked. I couldn’t tell if he was faking his disinterest, or if he really wasn’t interested. I reminded myself that I had to fight for what I wanted. And I wanted him.

“Blue Moon, please,” I said sweetly. “It’s my favorite beer.” He gave me half a grin.

“Coming up,” he said, walking away. I took a deep breath and waited for him to return. He put my drink down on the bar.

“I’m glad you’re back,” he said and my heart jumped.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what I was up to,” I said. “I didn’t quite know what to say. I just needed to act and not talk about it, ya know?”

“Kind of,” he said quietly.

The few people who were in the bar began filtering out. Brennan handled their tabs and walked casually around the bar, cleaning up small messes here and there. He wasn’t as into this conversation as I’d hoped he would be.

By the time the last person other than Brennan and myself left the bar, I’d had enough of being ignored. I jumped off the barstool, walked over to the door, and locked it. Brennan looked at me.

“What are you doing?” he asked, exasperated.

‘I’m getting your attention,” I told him, being as stern as I could. “I need to talk to you!”

“Fine,” he said, sitting at the bar. “But, Charley, you don’t owe me any explanations. I understand that I blew it. You don’t need to try to make me feel better.”

He thinks he blew it?
I thought. I had to laugh.

“That’s funny?” Brennan asked.

“No…it’s just…
funny
,” I said, unable to find the right words. “I’ve spend the past several days thinking your speech about me finding myself was you blowing
me
off.”

“Oh,” he said quietly.

I walked over to where he was standing. “You were right about a lot of things, Brennan. I was treating you like you were going to hurt me. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need—” he began, but I stopped him.

“No, I do,” I said firmly. “You deserve to hear it, and I owe it to myself to say it.” I grabbed one of his hands in both of mine and looked up at him.

“I was wrong to treat you the way I did, and to assume what I did about your intentions. I can’t ever thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. You are kind, generous, funny…you’re just wonderful.” I was starting to feel self-conscious. I could hear Codey calling me a cheeseball in my head.

“The point is,” I began again.

“Charley, I love you, too. You’re all I’ve been thinking about since I met you.” he interrupted me.

I looked at him, shock coating my face. His face fell.

‘Oh no,” he breathed, “that’s not what you were going to say was it?” he looked panicked. “Look, I mean what I said, but, I know you probably aren’t ready to jump into something. If we need to just be friends, I’m ok with that. I just love having you around. I love how I feel every day since meeting you. I love so much about you. These past few days of thinking you were gone for good were torture.”

I gave him a huge smile. ‘’Well, first I was going to tell you that I like romantic comedies, but next time, I’d rather rent something with more guns and maybe some zombies,” he looked at me, one eyebrow cocked.

“
You
like zombie movies?”

“See?” I said smiling. “You don’t know everything about me.” I took his other hand so that both of his were in mine.

“You were wrong about a few things,” I said, and I gave each hand another squeeze. “I am ready,” I said stepping closer to him. “I don’t want to be your friend.” I took another step, and stood on my tip toes reaching up to kiss him, “and that
was
what I was going to say.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.