Wake Me In The Future (23 page)

‘Thank you,’ I said, trying to force some sincerity into my voice.

When we left the offices, Ankit explained that Ramoon had been adamant that I couldn’t see the classified information on Helen. ‘I am sorry Richard, I did try; the best you can do, is try to come to terms with your loss,’ he patted me on the arm and said, ‘would you like me to come back to your apartment for a while?’

‘Thanks Ankit but I think I’d like to be alone for now. I’ll be in touch soon.’

I waited until he'd disappeared around the corner before turning and heading in the direction of Simon’s apartment.

All three of my fellow Cryogens were sitting around the main vid-screen looking at the information I’d transmitted from Ramoon’s office.

‘You’ve got to see this,’ said Jennifer beckoning me over to where they were sitting, ‘There’s definitely something not right here.’

They were looking at a list of names headed by the word Cryogen and the word,
‘suppressed’
next to each one of them.

I was trying my hardest not to think about Helen, as if by denying it in my head it would make it all untrue. But all the life seemed to have been drained from me, and had wandered off in search of its soul mate. ‘Yes, I noticed that when I was scanning them,’ I said ‘I wonder what it means?’ and in my mind I couldn’t help but think of what the protester I’d first seen with Ankit had written on his banner -
don’t let them kill us all off – protect the humans’
.

‘But it gets worse Richard,’ Simon said, and as he stepped through the documents they finally came to one that had the same list of names, but on this document there was something more sinister recorded against each name, and Richard looked aghast as Earl read the ominous words out.

Because against each of the names in bold letters were the words - '
TO BE DESTROYED
!'

Chapter 23
– The Second Goodbye

Had anyone else been able to see us they'd have considered it a touching scene. My distraction had been impossible for them to ignore and my news had shocked them into silence. Earl and Simon stood at my sides with their hands on my shoulders as I sat there finally giving vent to my sense of loss. Jennifer knelt on the floor with her arms wrapped firmly around my middle. The side of her head pressed against my chest and her eyes shut tight, trying her hardest to wish the terrible truth away. Somehow, putting the news about Helen into words in the presence of my friends seemed to have made it real, it had released my inhibited emotions and tears were streaming freely down my face. I recalled the words at the ceremony we’d held when she’d first died.

Keep me in your heart and mind

Keep safe my memories too

And when you’re lonely you will find

I am there and part of you

Tears are the blood of emotion. How true is that? It seems so easy to tell the severity of a physical wound to the body by looking at the amount of blood it sheds. But not so with emotional wounds; the volume of tears is hidden from all but those who contain them. This had been something Helen had said to me after she’d lost her father. And right now I wondered how right she’d been, because I could see no way to stem the flow of emotional blood that was threatening to slowly bleed me to death.
Is this what happens when people die of heartache?
I thought.

My friends would have happily stayed there all night to comfort me but I’d eventually cried myself out, for now at least, and when I finally spoke, I lifted my head and announced, ‘Look, I’ve got so much to think about, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but would you mind if I spend a few days on my own to come to terms with all of this?’

Their tearful eyes said it all, but it was Simon who put it into words, ‘Richard, take as long as you like, nothing else is important now. You know where we are when you’re ready, and we’ll always be here for you mate.’

And if I'd been a fly on the wall after I'd left the room I'd have seen Jennifer leaning against the wall looking pensively at the doorway, as if she could still see me on the other side. ‘I hope he’ll be alright,’ she said mournfully, ‘he’s been so consumed by his search I just don’t know how this is going to affect him.’

Simon’s muscular and protective arm embraced her reassuringly. ‘He’s a strong person Jen. He’ll get through this, we just need to make sure he doesn’t withdraw from everything and give up on his new life. At least he’s not alone; he’s got us to help him through.’

‘We need to let him deal with it in his own way though,’ said Earl, ‘apart from making sure he doesn’t do anything rash, we have to give him the space he’s asked for. And in the meantime….’ He said, holding up one of the info-sheets, ‘we need to consider what we’re going to do with the evidence he retrieved from Ramoon’s office.’

‘We’re not doing anything with it.’ Jennifer said firmly and Earl looked at her bewildered.

‘But this is evidence,’ he said, ‘we have a duty to act on it.’

‘Yes, you’re right. But we’re a team Earl; all of us, including Richard. I don’t know how both of you feel about our group, but the four of us are about as close to a family that I am going to get and I don’t think any of us should act independently.’ Then a little less agitated she said, ‘By waiting for a while we can give Richard the time he needs to grieve and in the meantime we can be thinking about what we’re going to do with the information.’

She paused just long enough to make Earl feel uncomfortable and added, ‘a little more time won’t harm will it?’

He sighed and bowed his head in defeat, ‘Very well,’ he said, ‘let’s leave it a week or so, unless Richard comes back before then. But we can’t wait too long to find out what Ramoon’s intentions are. If we do, it might be far too late to do anything about them. In the meantime get your thinking caps on; we need some kind of plan for when we are ready to act.’

After that night, and for the next few days I became a recluse, making excuses when anyone tried to contact me and immersing myself in my attempt to deal with my grief.

I hadn’t even felt this way the first time Helen had died, because I’d convinced myself then that she still physically existed. That she was there, in that cryogenic chamber, and until anything happened, she was just asleep and waiting to be reunited with me. But this was different, there was nothing left of her, not only the body that housed who she was, but every single synapse in her brain that made her the unique woman I loved - it was gone, all gone.

There was no more crawling into that corner of my mind where denial lived and welcomed me every time I called. The door was firmly shut for now and I found myself locked out in a wilderness of grief with nowhere to shelter and no alternative but to become immersed in its cold clinging embrace. I stayed there for as long as I could, hoping to drown in it and end the misery I was convinced would never stop.

Then another of life’s companions stepped forward to dull the pain. The very thing that Helen and I had planned to cheat now moved the unbearable pain of the present into the more tolerable sorrow of the past. Like a drug pusher no one can get away from, time and its relentless supply of change offered the relief craved by all addicts.

No one can predict when it’s right for someone to move on after the loss of someone they love. Everyone has to find their own reasons to convince themselves its acceptable, to continue to live the life that’s been denied to the person they’ve lost. For me it was my conviction of what Helen would have wanted. It would be a betrayal of everything she'd hoped for if I gave up and threw this life away; this dream come true, even though it would never be a dream fulfilled for Helen now.

So, I concluded, I'd live my new life for Helen and keep her memory with me forever. At least the part of her that lived inside my heart would survive. Just like in the poem from her funeral - she'll be here and part of me.

She'd been stronger than I ever was, I'd always known that, and it was one of the many things that had attracted me. She would never give up and I smiled as I thought of the strength within her that I’d perceived as
stubbornness
, and she'd argued was
focussed determination
. That was what she’d taught me, the strength that she’d willingly shared and passed on, and what I used now to move out of the dark place that was threatening to swallow me up for good.

As I smiled at these memories I realised it was the first smile since learning of her death, and her radiant face that smiled back at me in my mind’s eye was nodding her approval, telling me not to feel guilty, and encouraging me to go on.

Over the next few day’s I began to emerge from the despair I’d sunk into, and the dark reverie that had settled over me began to lift, as I started to wonder what sort of future lay ahead.

And the thoughts of the future inevitably brought my mind to Rachel……oh Rachel.

While there’d been a chance of Helen being alive I'd been ashamed of my growing feelings for her, confused at the thoughts that were invading my head and the urges my body was presenting me. Not that I blamed the new body because it was only mimicking the old one, and from my experiences so far there wasn’t anything it couldn’t do at least as good as my original.

That was then, but now those feelings of shame and guilt were magnified a hundred fold. How could I let such thoughts cross my mind at a time like this?

Nevertheless, those thoughts and feelings for Rachel did keep invading my dreams and wouldn’t abide by any moral rules of decency and keep away.

I realised of course, that I couldn’t leave it too long if I wanted her to be in my life as anything more than a friend. If she began to believe I could never commit myself because of Helen then she may start looking for someone else, and I knew she wouldn’t have any difficulty in that respect. Besides, her parents would probably feel threatened by my confirmed loss and start to seek suitors for their daughter as soon as possible; to prevent what they’d see as a terrible blow to their family if I were to be part of it. 

It had taken me just over a week to work through my grief and come out the other side. I’d shed most of my emotional blood and the deep wound that it left had finally begun to heal, and although I would happily live with the scar it would leave, I knew in my mind, Helen had released me to the future. To take what I could of her with me, but to live the rest of my life. And if that life included Rachel, so be it, I knew Helen wouldn’t want me to be alone.

So I didn’t know who had been more surprised. Rachel, when I asked her to marry me, or my friends, who I suspected must have thought I’d had some kind of breakdown.

‘Are you sure?’ was the reply I’d got, and in the circumstances had fully expected from Rachel; which was a little disappointing because what I’d really wanted to hear her say, without any hesitation, and with enthusiasm was a resounding,
Yes
.

‘I've told you how I’ve dealt with my feelings and what I think Helen would have thought. It’s what I want Rachel. I know at first it will be difficult for us and I’ll probably make some stupid mistakes that will hurt you. But none of them will be intentional. You know how much I loved Helen, but I have to live with that love being in the past, and it will become a different type of love. I want to be with you now and I know the love that I already feel for you will only grow stronger. I promise not to let you down Rachel; please say you’ll be my wife.’

The beaming smile on her face assured me of the response she was about to give. ‘Yes, I’d love to marry you Richard.’ And I smiled and ran my fingers over her lips, before drawing her to me and letting all my tensions drain away.

If only my friends had been as enthusiastic as Rachel, but considering how quickly all this had occurred I could understand the reservations they had about my latest decision.

‘You’ll never get over Helen,’ Earl had said when I'd broke the news to them, ‘are you absolutely certain you’re doing this for the right reasons. After someone you love dies its natural to feel really lonely and seek solace in another close relationship.’

‘But,’ interrupted Jennifer, jumping in quickly, not wanting me to think that Earl was implying that I might be using Rachel in some way, ‘if you’ve given yourself enough time to think about this and it’s definitely what you want to do, then we’re pleased for you.’ I noticed her throw Earl an apologetic smile.

‘I know you’re all concerned for me,’ I said to them, ‘but Rachel and I have discussed this, and how I’ve dealt with my grief for Helen. She accepts it, and knows that I’ll never ask her to compete with a ghost. Helen’s memories will stay with me for as long as I live, so in a way she will live forever. But they’ll never come between Rachel and me. I need to learn to live in this new world now and the only person I know who can help me do that is Rachel.’

Simon grasped my right hand with both of his and shook it vigorously, ‘congratulations mate.’

Then Earl and Jennifer, in their own ways, did the same, showing me the support they must have thought I needed for the decision I’d made.

However, other than the characteristic straight forwardness shown by Earl, none of them had expressed the real concerns that were beginning to grow in their minds.

Chapter 24
- Marriage

During the days that followed I tried to refuse my mind access to its memories, and encouraged its distraction by the tasks Rachel had set it for our forthcoming wedding. It was the only way I could get through each day. I knew things would get better, but it was a matter of time, and I had to buy that time anyway I could.

So for that short period, I was able to convince - no, trick myself, into believing everything was eventually going to be ok. I didn't even want to think about Ramoon and the Cryogen project anymore. I'd not even questioned the sudden silence of my friends on the subject, unaware of their continued pact not to act on the information we’d discovered, at least until I'd married and they could get me back onside.

‘If he doesn’t raise the issue after the wedding, we’ll act without him,’ Jennifer had apparently conceded when Earl had pressed the issue again.