Waiting for Rain (30 page)

I eyed him carefully. “You sounded as if you knew something specific, Si. I know
you
well enough.” I waited as he fidgeted with his tie. I could be patient too.

He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Toby, I don’t want you getting pissed with me. Can you promise me you won’t be?”

“It depends on what you tell me,” I said, regarding him evenly. “This sounds serious.”

He looked at me with a hint of fear in his eyes. “Toby, you
have
to promise me you won’t be mad. I couldn’t bear it if you were.” The vulnerability in his voice made me cold. This was the man who’d given me back my life and taken me on when no one else would. I couldn’t ever be mad at him.

“I promise,” I said. He looked relieved, sitting down in the chair behind the desk.

“I remember when you came to see me for the interview, at the age of twenty-three, so self-possessed and confident. Then you told me about what you’d done to Landon and looked at me as if you expected me to kick you out. I’m hazarding a guess that as soon as you were honest about who you were and what you’d done, people switched off and told you ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’ Am I right?”

I nodded silently. That was exactly how it had been. I had been out of work for months because I’d been honest. Simon carried on.

“No one wanted a gay man who’d bashed another man, causing him injury. Yet you had to tell the truth. It wasn’t in you to lie even if you wanted a job.”

“I am who I am, Simon. I won’t hide it for anyone. I fought tooth and nail to rise above—” I cut my words off. I’d already said enough. He smiled softly.

“My boy, that’s exactly why I employed you. This industry is an incestuous one, and everyone knows everything. Before you even came for the interview, I knew about you and Landon. I knew a lot more too. I was intrigued by this young man who didn’t cut corners, who wouldn’t compromise himself.” He looked at me warily. “I had an old lover who worked for the police department. She did me the kindness of looking up your police record and gave me what she had on file.”

I gazed at him in horror. “You what? You checked my police file?” I moved agitatedly around the table to perch my backside on the desk in front of him.

“Remember your promise, Toby,” he said gently. “I didn’t ask for all the details. I just wanted to know if the story you told about Landon checked out. I couldn’t have someone working at this hotel that might be a risk. I’m sure you could appreciate that.” He swallowed as I glared at him. “But Joyce sent me everything she had. I was curious, Toby.” He shrugged apologetically. “I read it all. It just reinforced my belief that you were the right person for this hotel. The right person for me.” He took my hand in his. “You were a young man who had been to hell and back yet still managed to finish your GCSE, put yourself through hotel school, and retain a sense of who you were despite everything you’d been through.”

“So, all this time you’ve known me, you’ve known about the arson, about—” I swallowed. “About Ricky?”

Simon nodded. “Yes. Not all the facts, of course, but I can read between the lines. And I can quite safely say I am so privileged to have known you these past four years. You’ve grown so much and become a wonderful man, Toby. You should be so proud of yourself. I am.”

I couldn’t speak. Every secret I’d ever tried to hide, and Simon was telling me he’d known all about them and yet still had employed me, nurtured me, and looked after me. The fact he’d accessed my police file had been forgotten. I stared at him, and he smiled. He stood up, gently pulled my head toward his, and kissed me tenderly on the forehead.

“Have you told Rain about your past, Toby?”

I looked up into his eyes, nodding. “Yes. He knows most of it. Probably more than you do, actually.”

“Do you love him?” His voice was almost steady, but I heard the tremor. I nodded. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to tell him the truth. He deserved that.

“Yes, I love him. But that doesn’t seem to be enough—”

He laid a finger on my lips for the second time. The pain in his eyes at my admission made my heart break, but I couldn’t lie to him. “Then give him a chance to tell you what was happening between him and his ex. Listen to him. If after that you still feel the same way as you do now, then so be it. But at least you can say you did it outside of the heat of the moment. Take it from someone who’s made that mistake before.”

“It hurts, Si,” I said, all choked up. “Seeing him like that with another man. I don’t think I can talk to him yet.”

“Then do what you bloody young people do so well and text him, Facebook him, twitter him, whatever.” Simon waved his hands around frenziedly. I smiled despite the ache in my heart.

“It’s ‘tweet,’ not twitter. Don’t you old people know anything?”

We smiled at each other fondly, and he pulled me to my feet and hugged me. He squeezed me tightly, and when he let me go his voice was husky.

“You know I still love you deep inside, Toby. But I respect your choice to love Rain. Just don’t fuck it up for yourself.”

He caressed my cheek gently, then left the room. I stood there for a minute, not knowing what to do next. I sighed and switched on the computer. A few hours of mind-numbing stock taking and finances might take my mind off Rain for a little while until I decided what I was going to do.

Two hours and as many coffees later, I leaned back in my chair, passing a hand over strained eyes. It was close to knock-off time. I’d calmed down a little. The numb feeling still sat in the pit of my stomach as I replayed Simon’s last words over in my head. I sighed and picked up my mobile and sent a message.

Why the fuck did you kiss him?

The answer came back almost immediately, as if he’d been waiting for my question.

He kissed me. But I didn’t stop him. I wanted to see what I felt for him. It wasn’t the same.

The same as what?
I texted back.

The same as it had been before. The same as kissing you. Kissing you is so much better. R x

Why didn’t you tell me he was coming to stay?

It was a full two minutes before my phone beeped again.

He was never going to stay. His plan, not mine. I didn’t tell you he was coming because I wanted to make sure I was over him before I told you.

Told me what?
Now I was curious.

I waited what seemed like ages but had only been five minutes, staring at the screen until my eyes crossed. Then my phone beeped again.

That I love you.

I blinked at those last words on my small screen. Then I peered at them again. Yep, they were still there. I wasn’t hallucinating, and the crazy police weren’t on their way to fetch me. I took a deep breath, staring at the far wall for what seemed like ages as I pondered that unexpected message. I got up and paced around the office, the phone held in my hand like some magic device about to sort out all my problems. My emotions spiraled from happiness that he’d said the words to irritation that he’d made this immense admission by text. My phone bleeped again.

Toby, babe, are you there? R xx

I messaged him back.

I’m here, trying to process. I see you with your ex, his tongue in your mouth and his hand all over your crotch, but you love me? How does that bloody work?

I heard the cackle of the Joker outside the door before the next text even came in.

Toby open the door. I need to talk to you. Face to face. x

I swung open the door to the office to see Rain standing outside, wild-eyed, phone clutched in his hand. His hair was mussed, his face pale, and the look of relief on his face when he saw me was gut-wrenching. We stared at each other.

His voice was husky when he spoke. “Do I need to text you to ask if I can come in, or can we talk like normal people?
Can
I come in?”

I nodded numbly, and he brushed past me to stand in the center of the room. I closed and locked the office door. There was no need for anyone else to see this scene.

“This is a new kind of courtship,” I muttered. “Texting, then pitching up outside my door. It’s becoming a habit.”

He reached over and pulled me into his arms, laying his forehead against mine in a gesture of pure submission. My primal man-ego instinct was to pull away. But my overwhelming one was how good it felt that this man was holding me in his arms, so I stayed where I was. I was definitely a bloody pushover. I didn’t even think I was all that mad, still seeing those three little words on my phone screen.

I love you.

“I’m sorry, Toby,” he whispered. “I fucked up.”

“Yes, you did.” I wasn’t letting him get off easy.

“I didn’t want to hurt you. Christ, that’s the last thing I’d have ever wanted to do to you. Tommy said he wanted to see me, and I thought—” He swallowed as his hands cupped my face and he stared into my eyes. “—I thought if I could see him again it might put things to rest finally, you know? But I never meant to hurt you like that. God, your face. I felt like such a fucking heel.” His face grew dark. “And you are not just a fuck buddy. Tommy said that just to annoy you. Again, his words, not mine.
Never
mine. Christ, I wanted to kill him for upsetting you like that.”

I found the balls to move away, and he looked at me worriedly.

“So what happened, then?” I asked tightly. “Tell me about what I saw and why I should trust you again.”

He paced around, running a hand through his already untidy hair, making it stand up like a cockatoo’s head crest. “He came back because he ran out of money.” His voice was harsh. “I think his plan was to convince me to sell the house we still own in Chelsea so he can have his share of the profits. So, he thought he could come back into my life after a year and just take up where left off. Then after he had the money, he probably would have left me again. He always was a manipulative little shit. I might have fallen for that then, but not now.”

I heard the undercurrent of pain in his voice at being used. Rain looked over at me, his blue eyes shadowed.

“He leaned forward and kissed me. I let him, because I wanted to see what I still felt for him. But all I could see when he was kissing me was your face. I wanted those lips on mine to be yours, not his.” He looked discomfited, and I knew this sort of thing wasn’t easy for him to share and vocalize. It wasn’t his style. Rain was a man of action, not words. But I let him flounder.

“I remembered that first kiss in the storeroom. How hot it was, and every kiss since that. I didn’t feel anything for him anymore. It was such a relief. I was about to tell him that when I looked up and saw you.” His voice trembled. “I never want to see that look on your face again. It destroyed me.”

He stopped pacing and looked at me hopefully. I didn’t move closer to him, just stood my ground. “It hurt, Rain,” I said quietly. “I never thought anything could hurt like that. I thought I’d lost you. I thought you were going to leave me.” I heard the tremor in my voice as he strode over to me and pressed his lips to mine, hungry and needy. I couldn’t resist him. I groaned slightly and let him in. We kissed, bodies pressed together as if we wanted to merge into a one-celled organism. We came up for air, and Rain smiled at me, still holding me close.

“I prefer that to fighting,” he murmured.

I moved back to look at him. “Has Tommy gone?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I called him a taxi, and it took him away. I don’t know where. I’ll hear from him sooner or later about the sale of the house.” He huffed. “To be honest, I don’t think I’ll fight it. We’ll get it sold, and he can have his bloody share. Then I’ve got nothing connecting us anymore. I kept the house because I thought maybe one day he might come back.” He grinned softly. “But I have a garden shed and a Toby now, so I don’t need a fancy place in Chelsea.”

I chuckled softly against his neck. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy at holding him in my arms. Goose bumps formed on his skin, and I kissed them softly, feeling him shiver. He had no idea that I was about to plunge him deeper into the mire that was emotional expression. “Tell me.”

He reared back and looked at me in puzzlement. “Tell you what?”

I just looked at him, and his face colored. “Oh. That.”

I laughed softly. “Yes,
that
, Rain. You said you wanted to talk to me face-to-face. So tell me.”

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes momentarily. I couldn’t believe that uttering the words was such a challenge for him. I was about to let him off the hook when he leaned forward.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear. “My brave, funny, beautiful, sexy Toby. I love you madly.”

It was my turn to hyperventilate now, my breathing getting deeper and my insides churning like dirty clothing in a washer. Rain looked very pleased at causing that sort of reaction in me, and he grinned slyly.

“See? I
can
do it. Now it’s your turn.” He waited expectantly, and I was tongue-tied. His eyes twinkled. “I’m waiting.” His formal admission seemed to have given him a cocky confidence he hadn’t had before. I took his face in my hands and kissed him deeply, my tongue winding with his, giving him my lips in the way I knew he liked it. When I released his mouth, leaving him breathless, I laid my forehead against his.

“I love you, Rain. You have my heart and my soul.” He gave a small cry and reached for my mouth again. We were just getting very touchy-feely when there was a loud banging on the door.

“Would you two please stop whatever you’re doing and open the bloody door, please?” Tammy’s impatient voice vibrated loudly through the door. “I’ve given you enough time, but I’d really like to get my handbag and piss off home!”

We drew apart and looked at each other, grinning. He ran a hand over my groin, and I shivered.

He kissed me tenderly. “I’ll wait upstairs for you if you like. Come up once you’ve closed up or whatever it is you do, and I’ll take care of that for you. Don’t be too long.” He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and then looked at me, his face slightly apprehensive. “We are okay, aren’t we, Toby? You’re not mad with me anymore?”