Waiting For Rachel: A Christian Romance (Those Karlsson Boys) (14 page)

Desperation filled Rachel. She lifted her head and stared at Mari through a wash of tears. Monitors beeped and whirred. Voices floated through the curtain. Announcements blared over the PA system, but Rachel blocked them out. Instead she filled her mind with the memory of Mari’s laughter the night before. The joy they’d shared as they’d talked. In her mind Mari’s face was no longer covered in bruises. Her eyes weren’t swollen but were open and sparkling with laughter. Her body was no longer broken but whole.

Rachel willed her strength into Mari through their clasped hands. She knew it was God’s strength that would pull her daughter through, but Rachel had to feel she was doing something, anything, to help her daughter pull through this.

She felt a touch on her shoulder and turned. A nurse stood beside her. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to leave now.”

Rachel wanted to protest, but knew she should be grateful they let her have this time. She brushed her lips over Mari’s hand one last time before releasing it. The nurse led her back down the hallway to the doors.

“We’ll be moving her to the fifth floor in about an hour, provided everything looks okay.”

“So I can go wait down there, and they’ll let me know when she’s in her room?”

“Just go to the nurses’ station and tell them you’re waiting for her, and that you want to be notified when she’s brought down.”

“Thank you,” Rachel said before pushing through the swinging doors.

Damian stood just outside the doors, and Rachel fell into his arms, the full range of emotions she’d been trying to restrain while visiting Mari overwhelming her. Drained of all her energy, Rachel drew on Damian’s strength as he embraced her. His strong arms held her when it seemed her legs would give out.

“It’s going to be okay, Rachel. God is still in control. He’s still at her side when you are not. Trust Him,” Damian said in a low, soothing voice.

Love for the man who held her flooded her heart, but the knowledge that that love would never be enough plunged her even lower.
God, how much more are You going to take from me? I’ve paid over and over again for the sins of my past. When will it be enough?

“Rachel, c’mon, tell me how she was,” Damian urged.

Struggling to get herself under control, Rachel pulled out of his embrace. She cupped her cheeks in her hands, rubbing her eyes with her fingers, trying to remove the tears that lingered.

“She’s so bruised. Like Jace, only worse. Lots of stitches on her face. Her beautiful face.” Rachel’s voice broke. “Oh Damian, how is she going to deal with this?”

Damian reach out and took her hands into the warmth and strength of his. “She’s strong, Rachel, just like her mother. And God will give her whatever strength she lacks.”

Rachel longed for the faith Damian had. She didn’t doubt that God
could
heal Mari. She just didn’t know if He
would
. Damian’s faith was strong enough to believe God could
and
would heal Mari. But maybe Damian had never been on the receiving end of a “wouldn’t”. God could heal, but sometimes He didn’t. Rachel had experienced it first-hand.

God could have stopped the hemorrhaging she’d experienced after Mari’s birth when her uterus wouldn’t clamp down. Instead the bleeding had worsened until they’d given her mother two choices…her life or the removal of her uterus. Of course her mother had chosen the hysterectomy so the bleeding wouldn’t threaten her life any more.

Outwardly she had looked like any other woman, but inside she felt hollowed out. So young to have lost any chance at having a family. Damian would never know the pain she’d felt cut through her when he’d spoken about having children together. Of how they’d look like him and her. It could never be.

And Rachel never wanted Damian to know that she was less of a woman because she could never give him the children he so clearly wanted. He deserved a whole woman.

God may have taken her chances to have children and even Damian, but surely He wouldn’t take her daughter too. Rachel didn’t know if she could handle one more loss.

She turned away from Damian and pressed her hands to her face.
God, I’m so sorry for what happened. Please forgive me. Don’t punish Mari for my mistakes. Take my life, not hers. And please, let this end. How much more do I have to pay for my sins? How much more?

Chapter Fourteen

Damian watched Rachel turn from him. He felt like he couldn’t comfort her enough. At least not like he wanted to, not the way he could have if they were committed to each other. There were thoughts and emotions she wasn’t sharing with him, things she might have told him if they were involved.

Instead a huge chasm yawned between them. Damian felt helpless as he stood on one side of it looking at her, longing to comfort her yet knowing she was out of his reach. He thought after hearing about Mari being her daughter and being there for her that they were drawing closer together, but she was pulling away. He could feel it. Something still stood between them, and Damian didn’t know what it was or what to do about it.

“Rachel, are you going to be able to see Mari again on this floor?”

Damian saw her shoulders lift and fall, and heard the deep breath she took before turning back to him. “No, they’re going to move her down to the fifth floor in about an hour. I’m supposed to go there and wait.”

“Okay, let’s go and see what that waiting room looks like,” Damian said, trying to coax a smile from Rachel.

Instead she looked at him, her brown eyes filled with a desolation that scared Damian. He’d never seen that expression on her face before. “It’s going to be okay, Rachel. You have to believe and have faith that God will see Mari through this.”

Rachel nodded, but still her expression didn’t change. Damian went and picked up their things from the seats then led her to the elevator. She stood silently beside him, her arms wrapped across her middle as if protecting herself.

Frustration filled Damian. He was a pastor; he’d taken courses in counseling and should know what to say. But the words weren’t coming. He was scared that if he didn’t find a way to draw her out, she’d withdraw from him completely.

On the fifth floor Rachel went right to the nurses’ station and told them who she was. Damian followed her when the nurse pointed them in the direction of the waiting room. This waiting room looked pretty much like the one they’d just spent the last several hours in.

Damian dropped their things on one of the chairs, watching as Rachel resumed her pacing. He couldn’t figure out why all of the sudden she was so filled with tension. The news had been good from the doctor, so why was she reacting this way?

“Rachel, come sit down.” Damian patted the seat beside him.

Rachel stopped pacing and turned to look at him. “No, that’s alright. I’ve been sitting enough already.”

Her agitation was beginning to rub off on him, Damian realized. He couldn’t seem to find a comfortable position, and soon he was standing as well. The room was too small for both of them to pace around so Damian
pulled out his phone and placed a call to Serena.

When there was no answer at her place, Damian assumed she was on her way to the hospital. Next he tried Reverend Anderson. His answering machine picked up the call, so Damian left a brief message updating him on Mari and Jace’s condition.

Damian leaned against the wall of the waiting room. He hoped the nurse came soon to tell them Mari was in her room, and that Rachel could see her. Maybe another visit would help calm Rachel down. Even though the last visit had left her more agitated than ever.

The elevator doors opened, and Damian looked over to see Serena step out, bundled up in a thick winter coat.

“Rachel!” Serena hurried towards her friend and embraced her. “I’m so sorry to hear what’s happened to Mari. How is she doing?”

Rachel filled Serena in on what had happened in the past several hours. Damian met Serena’s gaze over Rachel’s shoulder. He saw the worry in her eyes and knew it was not just for Mari. Damian suddenly remembered that Serena didn’t know that Mari was Rachel’s daughter. Serena probably couldn’t figure out why Rachel was so upset.

“Serena, there’s something else you need to know,” Rachel said, placing a hand on her friend’s arm.

Damian was relieved to hear Rachel tell Serena about Mari.

“That’s just amazing!” Serena exclaimed.

“I’m so afraid I’m going to lose her now.” Even though Rachel’s back was to him, Damian heard the tremor in her voice. “What if I got her back just to lose her again?”

Serena pulled Rachel into another hug. “Have faith, Rachel. God wouldn’t do that to you.”

“Really?” Rachel jerked out of Serena’s arms and stood rigid, her arms locked at her sides, fists clenched. “God’s taken more from me than you’ll ever know. Why would He let me keep Mari this time? Maybe He knew I’d be a lousy mother, and that’s why He let her be taken away when I was young and why He’ll take her now.”

“You gave her away, Rachel. That was your decision,” Serena reminded her in a soft voice. “You did what you thought best for Mari, and I think it was the right decision.”

“But why did this have to happen now? We just found each other again after all these years.” Bitterness laced Rachel’s words.

Damian stared at her, unable to believe that the woman before him was the same one he’d held just hours earlier. He’d never heard such bitterness and anger from her directed at God, or at anyone for that matter. What had happened to her faith?

A nurse came into the waiting room, and for a moment Rachel’s anger was forgotten.

“Is Mari in her room?” Rachel asked as she approached the nurse. “Can I see her?”

“Yes. She’s not awake yet, but you can see her for a few minutes.”

Rachel followed the nurse without looking back.

Once they were alone, Serena turned to him. “What’s happened to Rachel?”

Damian sat down, propping his elbows on his knees and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t have a clue. She was doing okay, holding it together, until she went in to see Mari in the recovery room. After she came back out, she had completely changed. It was like one person had gone in, and another came out. I’ve never seen her like this.”

Serena sat down beside him. “I’m just so amazed at the news that Mari is her daughter. Who would have guessed? She mentioned having stuff in her past at one time, but I never thought it was something like this, and certainly never would have guessed that Mari was her daughter.”

“I never guessed either. She had the baby before she came here, so I wouldn’t have known.”

“Is that why she’s been holding you at a distance?” Serena asked.

“I’m not sure. I think there’s more, although I don’t know what. She had to have known I wouldn’t hold something like that against her. She was young. If it was a decision on her part to have sex at that age, it is not for me to forgive but for the Lord.”

“Something’s hurting her bad, Damian.” Serena stared at the doors through which Rachel had walked earlier, concern etched on her face. “I think it’s something that’s been buried for a long time because what I know of Rachel now, she’s just not the sort of person to be so negative.”

Damian agreed with Serena but that didn’t help him figure out what to do.

“How’s Jace doing?” Serena asked.

Damian felt a twinge of guilt for focusing so much of his energies on Rachel and Mari when his own brother was hurting. “He’s going to be okay. At least physically. Mentally and emotionally he’s going through a rough time. He was driving the truck when the train hit them. I think he blames himself.”

“Poor kid.”

“Has anyone called Mari’s aunt? Someone should let her know.”

Damian nodded. “I’ll mention it to Rachel when she comes out again. Maybe she has an idea of where we can get her contact information.”

Serena settled herself on one of the chairs, and now it was Damian’s turn to pace. He kept glancing at the clock on the wall, but it seemed the hands were mired in molasses they moved so slowly.

A group of people stepped off the elevator and took seats in the waiting room, chatting with each other. Damian walked to where Serena sat and sank down on the chair beside her, trying to calm himself down.

It was over forty minutes before Rachel reappeared. Considering it was supposed to have been a short visit, Damian was surprised she had been gone so long.

He could see immediately that she’d been crying. Damian stood when she approached them and motioned for her to sit by Serena while he sat down in the chair on the other side of her.

“How is she?” Serena asked.

Rachel started to reply but tears welled up and spilled over. She pressed her fingers to her lips, and Damian could see her hand was trembling.

“What happened, Rachel? Did she take a turn for the worse?” Fear crept up Damian’s spine. It would absolutely devastate Rachel and Jace if anything happened to Mari.

“Here.” Serena held out a tissue.

“I’m sorry.” Rachel took it with shaking hands and wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “Mari woke up while I was there.”

“That’s great!” Damian exclaimed, relief flooding him.

“Not so great,” Rachel said, shaking her head. “She doesn’t remember anything.”

“About the accident?” Serena asked.

“No. She doesn’t remember anything. Period.” Rachel buried her face in her hands.

Damian wanted to gather her close and comfort her, but when Serena reached out to hug her, he held back. He had hoped that once Mari woke they would be well on their way to recovery
…that the worst would be behind them. Apparently not.

Finally Rachel lifted her head. “The doctor said that most likely it’s just temporary, because of the swelling her brain. Once the swelling goes down, the amnesia should go away as well.”

“That’s good news,” Serena told her.

“But what if it doesn’t go down? What if she never remembers?” Tears spilled down Rachel’s cheeks again.

Damian met Serena’s gaze knowing their shared concern for Rachel was intensifying.

“Rachel, we need to just wait for now,” Damian advised. “Don’t get too upset with all the ‘what ifs’. The good thing is that Mari is awake. I think that’s a pretty big hurdle.”

Rachel turned to look at him. The pain and confusion in her beautiful eyes reached deep into Damian’s heart and squeezed it. If only he could take it all away for her. He wanted only to see joy and happiness in her eyes. Her pain was killing him.

“Sweetheart.” Damian reached out and stroked her cheek. “Don’t try and shoulder this all on your own. Serena and I are here for you. I think you need to take a break and get some rest. You’re exhausted, and it’s effecting the way you’re viewing things right now.”

Rachel shook her head, and Damian lowered his hand. “I need to be here for her. What if she needs me?”

“Rachel, she needs you to be well-rested and alert so any decisions you might have to make are made with a clear mind. Is she sleeping now?”

Rachel nodded. “They said she’d probably sleep for the next couple of hours at least.”

“Let me take you home,” Damian suggested. “It’s already one in the morning. You can sleep for a couple of hours and then come back.”

“No, I need to be here in case she wakes up again.”

“I’ll stay,” Serena said. “I’ll wait here, and if she wakes up, I’ll call you right away. You’re only a few minutes from here. Let us do this for you, Rachel. Now that Mari’s healing, she’s going to need you even more. Get some rest while you can.”

Damian could tell from the way Rachel’s shoulders slumped that she was going to take them up on their offer even though she didn’t want to. He picked up her jacket from where it lay on the chair next to him. “Here, put this on. The sooner we go, the sooner we’ll be back.”

Rachel slipped her arms into the jacket as he held it, then zipped it up. “Let me just talk to the nurse before we go.”

Damian pulled on his own jacket while he waited for her.

“I told the nurse I was going,” Rachel said when she came back. “I also told them that you were going to stay, Serena, and to call my house if they need me.”

“Good.” Damian handed her purse to her. “Let’s go.”

Placing a hand on her back he directed Rachel to the elevators. As they waited for it to arrive, he glanced back at Serena. She sat with her head bowed, most likely in prayer.

Rachel said nothing as they left the hospital and headed for her house. Damian didn’t try to pursue conversation, waiting instead for Rachel to talk if she felt the need.

He pulled into the driveway of her house and braked. The Christmas lights decorating the front of Rachel’s house sparkled brightly in the darkness, a jarring reminder of happier times. Damian climbed out of the cab of the truck and rounded it to open Rachel’s door.

Instead of climbing out she sat motionless on the seat, staring at the house.

“Rachel?” Damian said softly.

In the glow from the lights Damian saw silver trails on her cheeks. Without thought he reached for her and drew her into his arms. The height of the cab of the truck put her at just the right place to lay her head on his shoulder. And she did, without resistance.

The cold air bit at Damian’s back and neck, but he didn’t care. It was more important to comfort Rachel and give her the strength and support she needed. Damian could feel the soft heaving of her shoulders and knew she wept, even though she did so silently.