Waiting for Grace (17 page)

I left her dressing room and she slammed the door as I did. “I am going for a run!” she shouted through the door. “And when I get back you and your shit better be gone. What you can’t take, I’ll donate.”

I didn’t argue. Finally I was being released. I suddenly felt relieved. For three years Cecily had given me no choice and she had convinced me that this was the route my life was taking. This wasn’t just about Grace for me; it was about Robert and the man he used to be. The man who used to have choices, dreams, private heartache, and personal space, which was something that Cecily forcibly removed. Tonight I was being stood down and I could breathe. I made my way to my own dressing room and packed what I wanted, what I needed, and then I called the Travelodge and booked two rooms, not one.
 

***

I called Grace on my way to the Travelodge an hour later, my car loaded with clothes, memories, and the one lamp that belonged to me.

“Hi,” she answered quietly.

“Hi,” I said also in a quiet voice. “Am I interrupting something?”

“Oh no, sorry,” she said a little louder. “Everyone’s just watching a film that’s all. What’s up?” I could tell she had moved out into their hallway now. Their flat was so welcoming, so homely, and so much like Grace that it hurt the first time I went there. I was stuck with sterile and impersonal, and in her flat I saw everything that I missed.

“Erm … I told Mum and Dad.”

“Oh,” she said, “and?”

“And they’re on their bloody way down.”

“What … here?” she barked.

“Well, London, yes. Not your flat or anything,” I said with a smile. “Don’t panic, I’m sure everything will be okay. I just wanted to check that I could bring them with me to pick up Devon tomorrow?”

“Oh, um,” she said, and suddenly I questioned if this would be okay. I had assumed that she would be glad to see them, but she seemed apprehensive, “Robert, I …”

“Grace, I think my Mum would love to see you,” I offered.

“But what if she’s mad? What if she hates me for what I did? Keeping Devon from you all.”

“She won’t,” I reassured her, because I would speak to her first of course, but I was sure my mum would be nothing but loving and desperate to see Grace no matter what.

“Um,” she was thinking, “how did she react? What did she say when you told her?”

“Oh shocked, stunned, and emotional I suppose. She asked how you were. Honestly Grace, there won’t be any malice. I just think if they got to see you, and meet Devon in her own home, that would be best.”

“Robert,” she sighed. “It sounds like the best option if they are hell bent on coming here but …”

“What?” I urged.

“Devon will be fine. I mean she’ll be ecstatic, but suddenly I’m nervous as hell.”

“Don’t be.” I smiled to myself and shook my head, “My parents love you like their own, they just want to be a part of this. You know what my Mum is like?”

“I do,” she said again quietly, “and that’s why I think before I get a hug, I’m gonna get a bollocking.” I laughed and she laughed. Suddenly I had an urge to be there, to hold her, to make her see how much just a phone conversation with her made me forget all the other shit that had just gone down in my life. Having Grace back brought me back to life and I found myself thinking of reasons that I could see or speak to her.

“Grace,” I sighed. “I love hearing you laugh.”

She was quiet for a few seconds. “You are a sappy bastard, Robert,” she said and I could tell it was with a smile. “I love that you make me laugh, it’s a tough job these days.”

***

“What do you mean you’re staying here, too?” my Mum asked as we sat in the hotel bar.

“Cecily has thrown me out,” I sighed. “It’s not hard to grasp.” I shook my head and earned a warning look from my Dad, who always urged us to be patient with our doting mother.

She looked to Dad and then back to me. “So the wedding’s off?” She asked, taking a sip of her chardonnay.

“Oh no, Mum we thought we’d still get married but just live apart.” I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

“Robert,” my Dad intervened. “Your mother and I just require some clarity sometimes. We can barely keep up with you boys and your complicated love lives. It’s like an episode of Dawson’s Creek.” He and Mum both laughed to each other, considering that joke to be the height of hilarity, despite the fact that
Dawson’s Creek
had not been on television since the early 2000’s.

“Reign it in,” I sighed, taking a gulp of my Jack Daniel’s and Coke. “I can’t take your jokes Dad, it’s too early.” He grinned at me. I felt like an embarrassed teenager all over again, despite sitting in my three-piece tailored suit, Rolex on my wrist, and abundant twenties in my wallet. I would always be their son who found their jokes embarrassing and who was annoyed by whatever questions they asked. The Travelodge would never be my first choice of hotel, but my parents would never dig deep for anything. They were frugal and didn’t see the point of frivolous spending, and so I would stay here until they went home, and then check in to a better hotel. I didn’t want them to think I was being snobbish or acting superior, and so this place would do for now.

“Oh, Robert.” Mum rubbed my leg. “Dad’s just joking with you, tell us what happened.” She smiled.

“Oh she was fuming about the whole Grace reappearance, and Devon, she didn’t feel included and …” I coughed. “She felt rejected.”

“Sexually?” my Mum whispered under her breath.

“Right, that’s enough chardonnay Mum,” I said, pulling her glass away, horrified. She pulled it back and laughed.

“Fine. She felt pushed out, so did she meet Devon? Did you include her?”

“No, it was too soon.” I shook my head.

“She was going to be your wife, Robert. Sounds to me like she has a point.” I groaned at her.

“None of your business,” I said, swigging my drink again.

“Will you be fighting for her, son?” my Dad asked.

“No.” I shook my head. “She’s done me a favour,” I said.

“Really?” Mum asked, one eyebrow raised. “As you seemed pretty set on her a few months ago.”

“Things change!” I snapped.

She glanced to Dad. “They do,” she said wide-eyed. “Girls come back in your life that you never get over and poof the fancy fiancée is gone.” Dad giggled at her comment again, and I must have given them both a harsh stare.

Mum held her hands up. “She wasn’t right for you anyway, Robert, and I’m glad you’ve figured it out. Now I want to hear all about my granddaughter and I want to know where Grace has been these last seven years.” I took a deeper swig of my drink and needed another. I’d need ten to deal with these two tonight.

“Right.” I began, “I’ll fill you in but no comments, no jokes, and no inappropriate questions, got it?”

“Me … inappropriate?” She smiled at Dad, and he smiled back. “I wouldn’t dare.”
 

Seventeen

Seven Years Earlier

“Absolutely not, Robert,” Barbara said. She was busying herself in the kitchen whilst we sat at the breakfast bar. I stayed silent as Robert spoke. He had purposely waited until it was just Barbara at home. His brothers were out and Bob was golfing. It was Saturday afternoon and she was baking some biscuits. She had already rolled the dough and started cutting them into stars with the cookie cutter. “What makes you think you can just swan off in that car your father and I bought you to spend a summer driving around like a hippy?” she barked, stabbing angrily at the dough.

“Mum, I’m not asking. I’m telling,” he said defiantly.

“Robert, I did not bring you up to speak to me like that,” she glared at him from across the breakfast bar, “and I certainly am not going to allow you to continue speaking to me like that.” She wiped her hands and walked to the sink. “Exactly what do you think about this Grace?” she asked, focusing on me. I kept my eyes low.

I shrugged. “I want to go.”

“And I suppose your mother has no issues with it?” she asked with a slight hysterical laugh. “Of course not!” She shook her head.

“She won’t mind,” I mumbled.

Barbara shook her head. “Robert it is a massive no from me. You need to be here, get a job, save for university, not wander around the country doing God knows what. You’re still a child.”

“I’m not a child!” he barked, grabbing my hand under the breakfast bar. “I am almost a man, and I want some bloody freedom.”

“Robert,” she gasped. “How dare you swear in front of me? Who is this boy in front of me?” She glared at us both. “And what is your plan? Find a

commune and never come back? What about your plans? A Levels? University?”

“We’re coming back.” He shook his head. “Of course we’re coming back, but we just want some freedom, an adventure, a holiday.” She half smiled as he spoke and looked at him for a long while.

“No,” she broke the silence again, and shook her head. “No, I’m sorry Robert I can’t protect you forever, but whilst I still have a say, I’m not letting you drive like a lunatic around the country.”

He jumped off his stool and pulled me with him. “Look mum, car or no car, we’re going, and you don’t have a say anymore.” I smiled at her apologetically as he stormed out of the kitchen, and I made my way behind him.

“Grace.” She grabbed my arm before I left. “Please, can you talk some sense into him? You two only have another year to stick it out then you’ll have your independence. This is madness. I won’t sleep a wink if you do this, please.”

I gave her a sorry smile and shrugged. “He’s made his mind up, Barbara, and to be honest I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than get away from my life.”

She nodded. “I understand, Grace, but he’s my baby and I’d be scared to death if you went.”

“You just need to trust us.” I sighed and followed Robert upstairs.

***

Two weeks later we finished sixth form for the summer. It was early July and we were packing the car to go. Barbara had relented after many arguments and discussions with Robert. He had made some promises and she had given him some incentives to be back for September when sixth form started again. Bob was concerned about the car, and so he had it checked at my dad’s old garage, the one that my mum still owned, but we did not run. The car was good to go, but we needed to keep the oil and water topped up. The route was planned. I had money saved, and Robert’s parents had given him some money, but we had packed camping gear, as we definitely couldn’t afford hotels. We didn’t discuss my sister or what the end of our trip would mean, just planned the details before London. No one else knew about London, as Barbara would definitely freak out about us visiting the nation’s capital.

We decided to stick to the coast. Our first stop after Poulton would be Wales, along the coast. We planned to stay at campsites until we reached Cardiff. Then, from there, we would head into Devon and Cornwall for some much needed sunshine. I wanted to see Land’s End, and Robert was excited to visit St Ives, as he had as a small child with his grandparents. I had decided that this could be it for me. I could enjoy my summer, and then maybe we would find Diane and she would want me to stay with her. I could start a new life away from the disaster that my mother was. I hadn’t mentioned this to Robert as I thought he would panic, but secretly I was hoping he would choose to stay in my fantasy with me and never return. Robert was everything to me in my life now, but my fantasies were so much stronger than my real life, and I convinced myself that if he wouldn’t come I would have to go alone. Luckily for now, he was coming.

On the days leading up to our departure I decided that I had best tell my mum that I was going. I caught her on a sunny afternoon whilst she sipped a gin in the garden, sunglasses resting on her nose like Jackie Onassis.

“Mum,” I said warily approaching her.

“Oh, Grace.” She smiled warmly, her gin haze visible, but not overly so. “Sit down and get some sun, you’re far too pale.” She sighed.

“Mum, I need to let you know something,” I said, without taking a seat in the battered lounger by her side. “I’m going away this summer.”

“Away?” she asked, very lazily. “A girl’s holiday?” she asked, confused. “I haven’t seen any friends ‘round here for years …” she mused. “Jamie was so popular, always so many friends ‘round here,” she sighed, sipping her drink. “You are such a loner,” she said matter-of-factly. Or perhaps she was too embarrassing to let friends see, but I wouldn’t quibble, it was never worth it.

“No, it’s not a girl’s holiday. Robert and I are going camping for the summer.”

“Camping?” She lifted her sunglasses and looked at me through glazed eyes. “Is that what kids do now? Camp? In the 60’s we were always camping.” She laughed, “Your father …” she began, and I cut her off.

“So I’m leaving in a few days, and I suppose I’ll see you when I see you.”

“You will?” She suddenly sat up and her voice seemed strained. I wondered if finally she would try and take some control. “Well,” she looked at me and seemed confused as to why she had suddenly sat up, “if you’re taking a holiday, then I best transfer some money into your account,” she said. “You better write the details down for me.” I shook my head and walked away.

I did write the details down and a note, to remind her that I had gone away. I didn’t specify a time period and I didn’t give her anything more than a goodbye to jog her memory. She wouldn’t miss me and would never know all the things that she had done wrong because, despite our years together, I had never been able to tell her. I didn’t shout, I didn’t scold, and I didn’t try to save her. I just tried my best to live my life as far away from her as possible.

Two days later Robert and I were eating a goodbye lunch with his family before we were due to set off for six weeks on the road.

“Did you speak to your mother?” Barbara asked softly as we all sat around the huge Banford oak dining table. She was plating up salad for the boys and there were jacket potatoes, various potato and pasta salads, and coleslaw. Bob had cooked a plethora of meat on the BBQ and we also had corn on the cob that looked slightly cremated.

“I told her a few days ago.” I smiled. “But I left her a note to remind her.” Barbara looked at me with sympathy. She always did where my mum was concerned. “It’s fine,” I said, shaking my head. “She’s not bothered and, I’m looking forward to a break from her antics.” I tried to laugh, but they didn’t find it funny.

“I hope one day that woman sorts herself out,” Bob sighed. “Or else she might never realise what a great daughter she has right here.” He placed a hand on my shoulder and passed behind me to get to the BBQ again.

“Wow, more meat,” I said as he made his way outside. “Are you trying to fatten us up?”

“She probably thinks we won’t eat on our little trip.” Robert laughed. “But all we’ll be having is junk food, mum, we’ll probably come back fatter.”

Barbara smiled nervously. “This will be the longest six weeks of my life.”

“I beg to differ,” Bob said, coming back inside. “When you were pregnant with Joseph you were on bed rest for the last six weeks and you said that was the longest six weeks of your life. Plus, you’ve got us four to look after back here so you’ll hardly notice.” He grinned.

“Mummy, are we not having a holiday this year?” Owen asked, starting to eat his jacket potato drenched in tomato ketchup.

“Well yes,” she mumbled. “We are thinking about going to Mexico, so …”

“So that will pass some time,” Bob said as he winked. “You kids enjoy yourselves and keep in touch, and we’ll see you ready for school in August.”

“Thanks Dad,” Robert said.

“Oh God,” Joseph sighed. “He’s going to Cornwall not Beirut. Jesus, it’s about time he did something slightly rebellious.”

“Oh, Joseph be quiet.” Barbara rolled her eyes, “Now let’s enjoy our lunch and no more theatrics.”

Bob smiled. “You can quit the theatrics, then Bar.” We all laughed and dug into the food.  

***

We set off and our first stop was a campsite in Colwyn Bay a few hours away. From there, we would stay somewhere for a couple of days and then move on. The car that Robert had was so old that we only had a cassette tape player, and so I brought some old ones from our childhoods and some eighties tapes that I found in Diane’s bedroom. My favourite one was the
Best of Roxette
. This is what we blasted as we drove away at high speed from our small town. It was exhilarating, I felt free. I felt excited and I felt like finally my life was just beginning. For Robert, this was temporary, but for me this was finally my chance to escape.

When we arrived in Colwyn Bay it was already past dinner time and we had to erect the tent, which we had practiced once in my back garden. We laughed and screamed as we tried to remember what to do and collapsed in a heap on the floor once it was done. We had brought a cooler full of food that Barbara had stocked for us and bought some beers on the way. By the time we could finally relax the night was drawing in, and so Robert opened two beers, we lit a cigarette each, and leaned up against each other on the grass, watching the buzz of the campsite around us. We opened crisps and savoury pastries that Barbara had packed and chattered into the night. Robert kissed my head and I turned to kiss him harder on the mouth.

“Thanks for taking me away.” I smiled at him and he hugged me closely.

“Thanks for coming,” he said pulling me close. “This is going to be the best summer ever, our first adventure.” He smiled as he blew smoke billows.

“Definitely,” I sighed.          

“Once we graduate uni, we should travel the world,” he said. I squirmed in his arms. “What?” he asked.

“I’m not sure about uni,” I said with quietly.

“What do you mean? I thought we had it all planned and decided where to apply to so we could be together.” He sounded hurt.

“That’s your dream, Robert, your family, and all that. I just don’t think it’s for me.”

“Why?” He turned me to him. “What are you going to do without a degree?” he asked. I rolled my eyes.

“There are plenty of things,” I sighed. “We don’t all need a degree. Your parents believe in that stuff and that’s great.”

“Grace?” He shook his head. “What will you do then?”

“I’m still thinking,” I said. “I might go, I might not, but my options are open.”

“What about us?” he asked quietly, and I turned to him.

“Robert …” I began. There were no words to explain to him how much he had brought to my life. “Robert, you and I, this is my life, okay? Whatever I choose will be with us in mind. Before I met you, nobody gave a shit about me. You made me realise that I was worth someone’s love. You gave me a life.” He hugged me close again.

“I’m just lucky that no one came along before me, because five minutes with you and any guy would be nuts to let you go.”

“You’re biased,” I said.

“I love you.” He kissed me again. “And whatever you want to do after college is fine with me, so long as you do it somewhere we can be together.”

***

Once we started moving from camp site to camp site, we got used to erecting and dismantling the tent. We would visit local landmarks, and climb gorges, and take pictures everywhere we went. The freedom was a rush, and we loved having no one to answer to, and making ourselves at home in every little town we visited. After a week, we had a routine. We would erect the tent, find a local bar, have a few drinks, and make our way back to the camp site to drink, smoke and laugh. We couldn’t get enough of each other, having sex into the night and making the most of each other’s bodies and our new found independence. Each day we would either move on in the car, seeking new beautiful spots to frequent, or quaint towns to visit, or we would stay put. We had only stayed in the same camp site for two nights once.

After exhausting the beauty of Welch countryside, we hit Cardiff city and parked in a multi-storey car park to do some shopping. The camp sites had been well equipped, and we had actually managed a load of washing, but there were a few essentials that we had forgotten, such as some more modern music. I wanted sunglasses and Robert wanted some more shorts. We decided that we should find something that made our tape deck in the car compatible with our CD Players, and went to work finding the other stuff. After a couple of hours shopping and a McDonald’s, we headed back to the car and cuddled together.