Voyeur (34 page)

RILEY: I'm just . . . not into dating anyone right now.

SEXYPSYCHIATRIST: Oh God. Please don't tell me you're hung up on my cousin.

Laura sighed. Then lied.
RILEY: It's not that. It's just that I need a break from guys. First there was David. Then Braden. I'm not ready for another
big thing just yet.

SEXY PSYCHIATRIST: Hmm, let's see. You'd broken up with David at least a month before Braden came along. And it's been a few weeks

since you came home from Vail. And I'm not sure a date qualifies as a "big thing.”

Whereas Laura would normal y just continue to argue, she instead stopped to consider Monica's words. She'd hoped her affair with Braden would

make her bolder, more outgoing—not less so. And yet, she was turning Mr. Starbucks down for no good reason. And Monica was right—he
was
a

hottie. Not as hot as Braden, certainly, but stil a very handsome guy. And unlike Braden, she
did
want to marry someday, and for al she knew, Mr.

Starbucks would turn out to be her soul mate.

RILEY: Okay, you talked me into it.

The screen stayed blank for longer than usual before Monica's answer popped up.
SEXY PSYCHIATRIST: Okay, now I'm scared. Since when do

you see reason?

RILEY: Since now. The next time I see the coffee hottie, I'll tell him yes.

SEXY PSYCHIATRIST: Wow! That's my girl.

She stil didn't real y
want
to tel him yes, deep down inside. But she doubted Braden was sitting around pining over
her
—so maybe it was time to real y
be
Riley. Riley wasn't going to let Sloane's departure hold her back—she was going to let their affair change her for the better. Laura felt a fresh determination to do the same thing, her heart be damned.

Braden opened his eyes—fresh from a nice, naughty dream—and turned in bed expecting to find Laura beside him.

But the space next to him was empty. Shit—he wasn't in Colorado anymore. Hadn't been for weeks, in fact. Beyond his large bedroom window, he

caught a glimpse of the deck that overlooked the Pacific, then heard the cal of a seagul .

He couldn't believe he was stil missing her. He'd been sure that would fade after he came home to L.A. And
then
he'd been sure
it
would go away once he got back involved in his work. Bui concentration had become difficult ever since his hot vacation with Laura in the mountains.

Don’t freak out about it, man.
When he looked at it logical y, there
were
reasons. Laura was the only woman he'd ever done such extreme things with. And the only woman he'd ever spent longer than a weekend with
in one stretch. So it made sense that he'd grown accustomed to seeing her

face beside his in bed. It made sense that he missed her body. It
made sense that he missed her smile.

So it was a month later and he found himself in the same rut Tommy had been in back in Vail. He'd talked to Tommy just yesterday, and his buddy

sounded fine now—he was dating again. "A cute girl from over in Avon who works at the Christie Lodge, and damn, dude, she looks
hot
in her little pink ski pants," he'd said. He'd gone on to explain that it was nothing serious, but that he thought he was done with one-night stands. "Just getting too old for it, I guess."

Braden hadn't asked what that meant, but now he wondered if this was the first sign of a guy getting ready to settle down, a notion that made his

stomach pinch. Not that he begrudged his friend happiness, but if Tommy got married at some point, it would change things— frankly, it would

make Braden a little less likely to try to get away to Vail several times a year. He'd never thought of the Vail house as lonely, but after Laura's

departure it had seemed that way. If he didn't even have Tommy to hang with whenever he wanted, it would
definitely
feel lonely.

Either way, though, he'd been glad to hear his buddy sounding happy.

Now ... he just wished he was, too.

The fact was, he hadn't slept with anyone since Laura.

He'd
tried.
He'd even once got so far as bringing a girl home with him. But for some reason, in the end, he hadn't gotten into it.

Maybe Laura had made him realize that what Tommy had said when they'd been discussing Marianne was true—maybe Braden, too, wanted a girl

with some substance. Even if it was just for fooling around, he suddenly didn’t feel satisfied by the same old shal ow chicks.

Only, he had the weird feeling that even if he found a
less-
than
-
shal ow chick strol ing up the beach right now, he probably wouldn't real y want to fool around with her, either. He just kept thinking about Laura.

Six months later, autumn had arrived,
Dirty Little Secrets
had just made the
USA Today
list, and Laura's life had become a drudgery.

She'd tried to date Mr. Starbucks back in the spring, and they'd had a nice enough meal at El Camino, her favorite Mexican restaurant over in funky,

artsy Fremont. But when he'd asked her back to his place, she'd claimed she was tired, and when he'd tried to kiss her at her door, she'd actual y

turned away. She'd felt both mean and as if she were behaving like a bit of a freak, and the parting had been utterly awkward.

Since then, she hadn't even
thought
about trying to date anyone. Monica had spent most of their time together lecturing her, so even her "girlfriend time" had been less than appealing lately. Which had led to much wearing of joggers and renting of sad movies. She couldn't even remember the

last time she'd actual y put on a pair of real pants.

And if that wasn't bad enough, as she'd sat down to start on her next Riley Wainscott Mystery this morning, she'd encountered her old nemesis—

writer's block. Actual y, she'd been encountering it every morning for the last few months—but at the moment, it felt even worse than usual,

overshadowing her current book's success.

"God, Riley," she murmured in frustration toward the computer screen, "you're supposed to be a whole new woman this time around, ready for new adventures, new relationships, new beginnings of every kind. So what
are
they?"

Al she could do was picture Riley and Aunt Mimsey having tea, or visiting the Dorchesters. Or maybe Riley wandering wistful y and lonely through

the secret garden.
Wow, what a catchy hook for a story: wannabe detective takes walk.

Once upon a time, Monica had been sure Laura’s writer block had been caused by a lack of sex. And the results of her visit to Colorado had

seemed to support the claim. God, she hoped that wasn't true, given that she didn't seem to want to have sex with anyone other than Braden Stone.

She was just about to wonder, for the first time ever, if maybe al of Riley's stories had been told, if al of her adventures had already been lived—

when an Instant Message popped up on her screen. She flinched when she saw who it was from.

FLYBOY1: Are you there, snowflake?

Her heart threatened to burst through her chest. He suddenly felt so nearby—even if also stil far away.
RILEY: Yes, I'm here. Hi.

FLYB0Y1: How are you?

What a loaded question. She lied, of course.
RILEY: Great, thanks. And you? Busy buying up unsuspecting corporations?

FLYB0Y1: I told you, I'm not ruthless and conniving in business. Just ruthless. g

RILEY: You're pretty ruthless in bed, too, as I recall.

FLYB0Y1: Let's just say I know how to get what I want. :) Did you have any complaints?

RILEY: None.

FLYB0Y1: I just finished reading Dirty Little Secrets last night.

Damn—she'd never even
thought
about him seeking out her book. Her poor, put-upon heart pounded even faster at the news.

RILEY: And?

FLYBOY: I want to know where Riley and Sloane Bennett stand.

Because of the same reason her editor had—because it was an appealing story line? Or was there more to his question? How obvious was it that

she'd loosely fashioned Sloane after
him?
She almost couldn’t breathe.
RILEY: Well, as you read, Sloane had to return to his business. So . . .

they're finished, I suppose.

FLYB0Y1: I think that's a bad idea.

RILEY: Oh?

FLYB0Y1: I think you're missing an opportunity. They were good together. In fact, I think Riley should hook up with the dark stranger again.

Laura considered her answer, stil unsure of what they were real y talking about. For at least half a second, she seriously considered typing
I love
you
into the box. But then she came to her senses and remembered how hurt she would be when he didn’t know what to say to that, and when it

became clear that she'd just humiliated herself. She took a deep breath and tried to compose a reply.
RILEY: I'm not sure how that would happen.

They live three thousand miles apart. It seems unlikely they'll bump into each other again on accident.

It took a little while for him to answer.
FLYB0Y1 : Would you be surprised to know I still miss you, snowflake?

Laura's throat clogged with emotion. She considered things she could say.

I miss you every day. Every night.

Then she thought of the Braden she'd come to know and love in the mountain home, and she instead told him something she knew he'd be thril ed

to hear.
RILEY: Sometimes I use the vibrator you gave me, and I think about you.

FLYB0Y1: God, honey, that's nice. You just made me hard.

Hot desire fluttered through her.
RILEY: Feels like old times. g

FLYB0Y1: I love to think about you fucking yourself with it, moving it in and out of your perfect little pussy. Do you keep it shaven?

Laura pul ed in her breath. The truth was
no
—she had no reason to. But she didn’t want to spoil the fantasy, didn’t want him to think she hadn’t remained the bolder, more sensual woman he'd made of her.
RILEY: Sometimes.

FLYB0Y1: Ever think about installing a webcam on your end? wink

The mere act of communicating with Braden, even just over the computer, was making Laura feel alive in a way she hadn’t in months.
Keep the

playful, naughty banter going,
she commanded herself. Besides being exciting and fun, and a way to keep him in her life, maybe some cyber-sex would be enough to revive her creativity again.

Yet to her surprise, something inside her slowly began to sink. She wanted to excite him, wanted to rekindle al that forbidden pleasure that had first brought them together—but she couldn't.

Knowing the things they'd done together, face to face, body to body, and knowing how very close to him she'd felt, how very trusting, how very

attached—she knew already that dirty cyberchat wasn't going to make up for what she lacked. Already it felt empty. Like moving backward. She

couldn't do it. She typed her answer in sadly.
RILEY: No.

FLYB0Y1: Would you?

RILEY: No again.

FLYB0Y1: Did I just accidentally do something to make you mad at me?

RILEY: No.

FLYB0Y1: Then is something wrong?

RILEY: Yes.

FLYB0Y1: What?

RILEY: I love you.

She sent it without giving herself a chance to even consider it. It was gone, and it couldn’t be brought back. She felt sick, her stomach churning,

every nerve ending in her body tingling so intensely it was painful.

When he didn’t answer, she feared she would throw up.

And then a message appeared.

FLYB0Y1: I didn't know that, honey.

A
far cry from
I love you, too.
Oh God, she'd made a horrible mistake.
RILEY: I shouldn't have said that. I can't believe I did. Forget about it,
okay?

FLYB0Y1: I don't know how to forget about

something like that.

Laura made a stressful decision—to barrel ahead to the heart of the matter. She had to—nothing else made any sense.

RILEY: Well, since I'm pretty sure you don't feel the same way, I want you to at least TRY to forget it, okay? I want you to remember me fondly,

not like the dork who just spouted out something without thinking about it.

FLYB0Y1: I never said I didn't feel the same way.

Her chest ached from the intense beating of her heart.
RILEY: But you didn't say you did, either.

A
long, painful hesitation on his end that made tears wel in her eyes.
FLYB0Y1: I don't even really know what love is, Laura. That kind of love. I've
never been in it. You know me—bachelor forever and all that. I'm sorry.

Wel , that was al she needed to know. She stil possessed the ability to excite him, but he didn’t love her. And he was a nice enough guy that he

was trying to let her down easy. The person on the other side of the situation, though, never seemed to understand that there could be nothing
easy
about it.

Taking a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears enough to type, she constructed an answer.
RILE Y: I understand. Thank you for reading my

book and letting me know. I have to go now.

And she shut down her Instant Message program and Internet connection as quickly as she could, before he could reply. Then she even shut down

the computer altogether.

Methodical y, she shed her jogging pants for a pair of jeans, left the apartment, and started walking toward Starbucks, even at the risk of seeing the guy she'd refused to kiss, because she simply had to get out of the house for a little while.

She couldn’t believe she'd told Braden she loved him.

You could have had lots of fun IMing him. You could have had a secret little Internet affair for weeks, months, years.
But thinking of "years"