Volpone and Other Plays (54 page)

COKES
: O Numps! are you here, Numps? Look where I am, Numps! And Mistress Grace, too! Nay, do not look angerly,

Numps: my sister is here, and all; I do not come without her.

WASP
: What the mischief, do you come with her? Or she with you?

COKES
: We came all to seek you, Numps.

WASP
: To seek me? Why, did you all think I was lost? Or runaway wim your fourteen shillings worth of small ware here? Or that I had changed it i' the Fair for hobby-horses? '
Sprecious–

10       to seek me!

MISTRESS OVERDO
: Nay, good Master Numps, do you show discretion, though he be
exorbitant
, as Master Overdo says, an't be but for conservation of the peace.

WASP
:
Marry
gip, Goody she-Justice, Mistress French-hood! Turd i' your teeth; and turd i' your
French-hood's
teeth, too, to do you service, do you see? Must you quote your Adam to me? You think you are Madam
Regent
still, Mistress Overdo, when I am in place? No such matter, I assure you; your reign is out when I am in, dame.

MISTRESS OVERDO
: I am content to be in abeyance, sir, and be

20      
governed by you; so should he too, if he did well; but'twill be expected you should also govern your passions.

WASP
: Will't so forsooth? Good Lord! How sharp you are with being at Bedlam yesterday? Whetstone has set an edge upon you, has he?

MISTRESS OVERDO
: Nay, if you know not what belongs to your dignity, I do, yet, to mine.

WASP
: Very well, then.

COKES
: Is this the licence, Numps? For love's sake, let me see't.

30      I never saw a licence.

WASP
: Did you not so? Why, you shall not see't, then.

COKES
: An you love me, good Numps.

WASP
: Sir, I love you, and yet I do not love you, i' these fooleries; set your heart at rest; there's nothing in't but hard words; and what would you see't for?

COKES
: I would see the length and the breadth on't, that's all; and I will see't now, so I will.

WASP
: You sha' not see it here.

COKES
: Then I' ll see't at home, and I' ll look upo' the case here.

40  WASP
: Why, do so. [
He shows him the box
.] A man must give way to him a little in trifles, gentlemen. These are errors, diseases of youth, which he will mend when he comes to judgement and knowledge of matters. I pray you conceive so, and I thank you. And I pray you pardon him, and I thank you again.

QUARLOUS
: Well, this dry nurse, I say still, is a delicate man.

WINWIFE
: And I am for the
cosset
, his charge! Did you ever see a fellow's face more accuse him for an ass?

QUARLOUS
: Accuse him? It confesses him one without accusing. What pity 'tis yonder wench should marry such a cokes!

50 WINWIFE
: 'THIS TRUE.

QUARLOUS
: She seems to be discreet, and as sober as she is handsome.

WINWIFB
: Ay, and if you mark her, what a restrained scorn she casts upon all his behaviour and speeches!

COKES
: Well, Numps, I am now for another piece of business more, the Fair, Numps, and then –

WASP
: Bless me! deliver me, help, hold me! the Fair!

COKES
: Nay, never
fidge
up and down, Numps, and vex itself. I am resolute Barthol' mew, in this; I' ll make no suit on't to you; 'twas all the end of my journey, indeed, to show Mistress Grace my Fair.

60    I call't my Fair because of Barthol' mew: you know my name is Barthol' mew, and Barthol' mew fair.

LITTLEWIT
: That was mine afore, gentlemen – this morning. I had that i' faith, upon his licence; believe me, there he comes after me.

QUARLOUS
: Come, John, This ambitious wit of yours, I am afraid, will do you no good i' the end.

LITTLEWIT
: No? why sir?

QUARLOUS
: You grow so insolent with it, and overdoing, john, that if you look not to it, and tie it up, it will bring you to some

70     obscure place in time, and there 'twill leave you.

WINWIPB
: Do not trust it too much, John; be more sparing, and use it but now and then. A wit is a dangerous thing in this age; do not
over-buy
it.

LITTLEWIT
: Think you so, gendemen? I' ll take heed on't here after.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Yes, do, John.

COKES
: A Pretty little soul, this same Mistress Littlewit! Would 1 might marry her.

GRACE
[
aside
]: So would I, or anybody else, so I might 'scape you.

80 COKES
: Numps, I will see it, Numps, 'tis decreed. Never be melancholy for the matter.

WASP
: Why, see it, sir, do see it! Who hinders you? Why do you not go see it? '
slid
, see it.

COKBS
: The fair, numps, the fair!

WASP
: Would the Fair and all the drums and rattles in't were i' your belly for me! They are already i' your brain; he that had the means to travel your head, now, should meet finer sights than any are i' the fair, and make a finer voyage on't, to see it all hung with cockle-shells, pebbles, fine wheat-straws, and here

90         and there a chicken's feather and a cobweb.

QUARLOUS
: Good faith, he looks, methinks, an' you mark him,

like one that were made to catch flies, with his
Sir Cranion
legs.

WINWIFE
: And his Numps to flap ' em away.

WASP
: God be w' you, sir. There's your bee in a box, and much good do't you.

[
Gives
COKES
the box and starts to go out
.]

COKES
: Why, your friend, and Barthol' mew, an' you be so
contumacious
.

QUARLOUS
: What mean you, Numps?

100  
WASP
: I' ll not be guilty, I, gentlemen.

MISTRESS OVERDO
: You will not let him go, brother, and lose him?

COKES
: Who can hold that will away? I had rather lose him than the Fair, 1 wusse.

WASP
: You do not know the inconvenience, gentlemen, you persuade to, nor what trouble I have with him in these humours. If he go to the Fair, he will buy of everything to a baby there; and household-stuff for that too. If a leg or an arm on him did not grow on, he would lose it i' the press. Pray heaven I bring

110       him off with one
stone
! And then he is such a ravener after fruit! You will not believe what a coil I had t' other day to compound a business between a
Cather' ne-pear
-woman and him about snatching! 'Tis intolerable, gentlemen.

WINWIFE
: O! but you must not leave him now to these hazards, Numps.

WASP
: Nay, he knows too well I will not leave him, and that makes him presume. - Well, sir, will you go now? If you have such an itch i' your feet to foot it to the Fair, why do you stop? Am I your
tarriers
? Go, will you go, sir? Why do you not go?

120 COKES
: O Numps! have I brought you about? Come, Mistress Grace, and sister, I am resolute Bat, i' faith, still.

GRACE
: Truly, I have no such fancy to the Fair, nor ambition to see it; there's none goes thither of any quality or fashion.

COKES
: O Lord, sir! You shall pardon me, Mistress Grace, we are

enow of ourselves to make it a fashion; and for qualities, let Numps alone, he' ll find
qualities
.

[
Exeunt
COKES, WASP, GRACE
,
and
MISTRESS OVERDO
.]

QUARLOUS
: What a rogue in
apprehension
is this, to understand her language no better !

WINWIFE
:Ay, and offer to marry to her! Well, I will leave the

130     chase of my widow for today, and directly to the Fair. These flies cannot, this hot season, but engender us excellent creeping sport.

QUARLOUS
: A man that has but a spoonful of brain would think so. Farewell, John.

[
Exeunt
QUARLOUS
and
WINWIFE
.]

LITTLEWIT
: Win, you see 'tis in fashion to go to the Fair, Win. We must to the Fair too, you and I, Win. I have an affair i' the Fair, Win, a puppet-play of mine own making - say nothing -that I writ for the
motion-man
, which you must see, Win.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
:I would I night, John, but my mother will never consent to such a ‘profane motion ', she will call it.

140  LITTLEWIT
:Thut, we' ll have a device, a dainty one. (Now, Wit, help at a pinch, good Wit come, come, good Wit, an't be thy will.) I have it, Win, I have it i' faith, and 'tis a fine one. Win, long to eat of a pig, sweet Win, i' the Fair; do you see? I' the heart o' the Fair, not at Pie-corner. Your mother will do anything, Win, to satisfy your longing, you know, pray thee long, presently, and be sick o' the sudden, good Win. I' ll go in and tell her.
Cut thy lace
i' the meantime, and play the hypocrite, sweet Win.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: No, I' ll not
make me unready
for it. I can be hypocrite enough, though I were never so
straitlaced
.

150  LITTLEWIT
: You say true. You have been bred i' the family, and

        
brought up to't. Our mother is a most elect hypocrite, and has
maintained us all this seven year with it, like gentlefolks
.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Ay, let her alone, John; she is not a wise wilful widow for nothing, nor a sanctified sister for a song. And let me alone too; I ha' somewhat o' the mother in me, you
shall see. Fetch her, fetch her
.

[
Exit
LITTLEWIT
.]

160      Ah! ah!

[
She pretends to faint
.]

I,Vi          [
Re-enter
LITTLEWIT
with
DAME PURBCRAFT
.]

[
DAME PURBCRAFT
:] Now the blaze of the beauteous discipline fright away this evil from our house! How now, Win-the-Fight, child, how do you? Sweet child, speak to me.

LITTLEWIT
: Yes, forsooth.

DAME PURBCRAFT
: Look up, sweet Win-the-fight, and suffer not the enemy to enter you at this door; remember that your education has been with the purest. What polluted one was it that named first the
unclean beast
, pig, to you, child?

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Uh, Uh!

10  LITTLEWIT
: Not I, o' my sincerity, mother. She longed above three hours ere she would let me know it. Who was it, Win?

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: A Profane black thing with a beard, John.

DAME PURBCRAFT
: O! resist it, Win-the-fight, it is the Tempter, the wicked Tempter; you may know it by the fleshly
motion
of pig. Be strong against it, and its foul temptations, in these assaults, Whereby it broacheth flesh and blood, as it were, on the weaker side; and pray against its carnal provocations, good child, sweet child, pray.

20  LITTLEWIT
: Good mother, I pray you that she may eat some pig, and her belly-full, too; and do not you cast away your own child,

             
and perhaps one of mine, with your tale of the Tempter. How do you, Win? Are you not sick?

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Yes, a great deal, John. Uh, Uh!

DAME PURECRAFT
: What shall we do? Call our zealous brother Busy hither, for his faithful fortification in this charge of the adversary; child, my dear child, you shall eat pig, be comforted, my sweet child.

[
Exit
LITTLEWIT
]

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Ay, buy I' the Fair, mother.

DAME PURECRAFT
: I mean i' the fair, if it can be anyway made

30 or found lawful. Where is our brother Busy? Will he not come?

– Look up, child.

[
Re-enter
LITTLEWIT
.]

LITTLEWIT
: Presently, mother, as soon as he has cleansed his beard. I found him fast by the teeth i' the cold turkey-pie i' the cupboard, with a great white loaf on his left hand, and a glass of malmsey on his right.

DAME PURECRAFT
: Slander not the Brethren, wicked one.

LITTLEWIT
: Here he is now, purified, mother.

[
Enter
ZBAL-OF-THE-LAND BUSY.]

DAME PURECRAFT
: O Brother Busy! your help here to edify and raise us up in a scruple. My daughter Win-the-Fight is

40      visited with a natural disease of woman, called 'A longing to eat Pig'.

LITTLEWIT
: Ay sir, a Barthol' mew-pig, and in the Fair.

DAME PURECRAFT
: And I would be satisfied from you, religiously-wise, whether a widow of the sanctified assembly, or a widow's daughter, may commit the act without offence to the weaker sisters.

BUSY
: Verily, for the disease of longing, it is a disease, a carnal disease, or appetite, incident to woman; and as it is carnal, and incident, it is natural, very natural. Now pig, it is a meat, and a