Volpone and Other Plays (19 page)

A rat had gnawn my spur leathers; notwithstanding,

I put on new and did go forth; but first

I threw three beans over the threshold.
Item
,

I went and bought two toothpicks, whereof one

140      I burst, immediately, in a discourse

With a Dutch merchant 'bout
ragion del stato

From him I went and paid a
moccenigo

For piecing my silk stockings; by the way

I
cheapened
sprats, and at St Mark's I urined.'

Faith, these are politic notes!

SIR POLITIC
:                 Sir, I do slip

No action of my life, thus, but I quote it.

PEREGRINE
: Believe me it is wise!

SIR POLITIC
:                       Nay, sir, read forth.

IV, ii         [
Enter
LADY WOULD-BE, NANO
,
and two
WOMEN
.]

[
LADY WOULD-BE
:] Where should this loose knight be, trow?

Sure, he's housed.

NANO
: Why, then he's fast.

LADY WOULD-BE
:                 Ay, he plays both with me.

I pray you stay. This heat will do more harm

To my complexion than his heart is worth.

I do not care to hinder, but to take him.

How it comes off! [
Rubbing her rouged cheeks
.]

1ST WOMAN
:         My master's yonder.

LADY WOULD-BE
:                                 Where?

2ND WOMAN
: With a young gentleman.

LADY WOULD-BE
:                                 The same's
the party
!

In man's apparel! Pray you, sir, jog my knight.

I will be tender to his reputation,

However he demerit.

SIR POLITIC
:                 My lady!

10    
PEREGRINE
:                                 Where?

SIR POLITIC
: 'Tis she indeed; sir, you shall know her. She is,

Were she not mine, a lady of that merit

For fashion, and behaviour, and for beauty

I durst compare –

PEREGRINE
:      It seems you are not jealous,

That dare commend her.

SIR POLITIC
:      Nay, and for discourse –

PEREGRINE
: Being your wife, she cannot miss that.

SIR POLITIC
:                                                            Madam,

Here is a gentleman; pray you, use him fairly;

He seems a youth, but he is –

LADY WOULD-BE
:                     None?

SIR POLITIC
:                                         Yes, one

Has put his face as soon into the world –

20    
LADY WOULD-BE
: You mean, as early? But today?

SIR POLITIC
:                                                             How's this?

LADY WOULD-BE
: Why, in this habit, sir; you apprehend me!

Well, Master Would-be, this doth not become you.

I had thought the odour, sir, of your good name

Had been more precious to you; that you would not

Have done this dire massàcre on your honour,

One of your gravity, and rank besides!

But knights, I see, care little for the oath

They make to ladies, chiefly their own ladies.

SIR POLITIC
: Now, by my spurs, the symbol of my knighthood –

30    
PEREGRINE
[
aside
]: Lord, how his brain is humbled for an oath!

SIR POLITIC
: I reach you not.

LADY WOULD-BE
:                Right, sir, your policy

May bear it through thus. [
To
PEREGRINE
] Sir, a word with you,

I would be loath to contest publicly

With any gentlewoman, or to seem

Froward, or violent; as
The Courtier
says

It comes too near rusticity in a lady,

Which I would shun by all means. And, however

I may deserve from Master Would-be, yet

T' have one fair gentlewoman, thus, be made

40        Th' unkind instrument to wrong another,

And one she knows not, ay, and to persèver,

In my poor judgement, is not warranted

From being a solecism in our sex,

If not in manners.

PEREGRINE
:    How is this!

SIR POLITIC
:      Sweet madam,

Come nearer to your aim.

LADY WOULD-BE
:    Marry, and will, sir.

Since you provoke me with your impudence

And laughter of your
light land-siren
here,

Your Sporus, your hermaphrodite –

PEREGRINE
:        What's here?

Poetic fury and historic storms!

50    
SIR POLITIC
: The gentleman, believe it, is of worth,

And of our nation.

LADY WOULD-BE
: Ay, your Whitefriars nation!

Come, I blush for you, Master Would-be, ay;

And am ashamed you should ha' no more forehead

Than thus to be the patron, or St George,

To a lewd harlot, a base fricatrice,

A female devil in a male outside.

SIR POLITIC
:        Nay,

An' you be such a one, I must bid adieu

To your delights. The case appears too liquid.

[
Exit
.]

LADY WOULD-BE
: Ay, you may carry't clear, with your state-face!

60        But for your carnival concupiscence,

Who here is fled for liberty of conscience,

From furious persecution of the marshal,

Her will I disc'ple.

PEREGRINE
:     This is fine, i' faith!

And do you
use this often
? Is this part

Of your wit's exercise, 'gainst you have occasion?

Madam –

LADY WOULD-BE
: Go to sir.

PEREGRINE
:      Do you hear me, lady?

Why, if your knight have set you to beg shirts,

Or to invite me home, you might have done it

A nearer way by far.

LADY WOULD-BE
: This cannot work you

70        Out of my snare.

PEREGRINE
:    Why, am I in it, then?

Indeed, your husband told me you were fair,

And so you are; only your nose inclines –

That side that's next the sun – to
the queen-apple
.

LADY WOULD-BE
: This cannot be endured by any patience!

IV, iii        [
Enter
MOSCA
.]

[
MOSCA
:] What's the matter, madam?

LADY WOULD-BE
:      If the Senate

Right not my
quest
in this, I will protest 'em

To all the world no aristocracy.

MOSCA
: What is the injury, lady?

LADY WOULD-BE
:     Why, the
callet

You told me of, here I have ta' en disguised.

MOSCA
: Who? This! What means your ladyship? The creature

I mentioned to you is apprehended, now

Before the Senate. You shall see her –

LADY WOULD-BE
:       Where?

MOSCA
: I'll bring you to her. This young gentleman,

10        I saw him land this morning at the port.

LADY WOULD-BE
: Is't possible? How has my judgement wandered!

Sir, I must, blushing, say to you, I have erred;

And plead your pardon.

PEREGRINE
:     What, more changes yet?

LADY WOULD-BE
: I hope y' ha' not the malice to remember

A gentlewoman's passion. If you stay

In Venice, here, please you to
use me
, sir –

MOSCA
: Will you go, madam?

LADY WOULD-BE
:     Pray you, sir, use me. In faith,

The more you see me, the more I shall conceive

You have forgot our quarrel.

[
Exeunt
LADY WOULD-BE, MOSCA, NANO
,
and
WOMEN
.]

PEREGRINE
:      This is rare!

20        Sir Politic Would-be? No, Sir Politic Bawd,

To bring me, thus, acquainted with his wife!

Well, wise Sir Pol, since you have practised thus

Upon my
freshmanship
, I'll try your salt-head,

What proof it is against a counter-plot.

[
Exit
.]

[
The Scrutineo, or Senate House
.]

[
Enter
VOLTORE, CORBACCIO, CORVINO
,
and
MOSCA
.]

[
VOLTORE
:] Well, now you know the
carriage of the business
,

Your constancy is all that is required,

Unto the safety of it.

MOSCA
:      Is the lie

Safely conveyed amongst us? Is that sure?

Knows every man his
burden
?

CORVINO
:      Yes.

MOSCA
:            Then shrink not.

CORVINO
[
aside to
MOSCA
]: But knows the Advocate the truth?

MOSCA
:                 O sir,

By no means. I devised a formal tale

That salved your reputation. But be valiant, sir.

CORVINO
: I fear no one but him, that this his pleading

Should make him stand for a co-heir –

10    
MOSCA
:        Co-halter!

Hang him, we will but use his tongue, his noise,

As we do Croaker's here. [
Indicating
CORBACCIO
.]

CORVINO
:     Ay, what shall he do?

MOSCA
: When we ha' done, you mean?

CORVINO
:         Yes.

MOSCA
:       Why, we'll think:

Sell him for
mummia
, he's half dust already.

(
To
VOLTORE
.)

Do not you smile to see
this buffalo
,

How he doth sport it with his head? – I should,

If all were well and past.(
To
CORBACCIO
) Sir, only you

Are he that shall enjoy the crop of all,

And these not know for whom they toil.

CORBACCIO
:         Ay, peace.

20    
MOSCA
(
To
CORVINO
): But you shall eat it. – Much! –

(
To
VOLTORE
again
)                                  Worshipful sir,

Mercury sit upon your thund' ring tongue,

Or the French Hercules, and make your language

As conquering as his club, to beat along,

As with a tempest, flat, our adversaries;

But much more yours, sir.

VOLTORE
:                       Here they come, ha' done.

MOSCA
: I have another witness if you need, sir,

I can produce.

VOLTORE
:         Who is it?

MOSCA
:                           Sir, I have her.

IV, V     [
Enter Four
AVOCATORI, BONARIO, CELIA, NOTARIO, COMMENDATORI
,
and others
.]

[
1ST AVOCATORE
:] The like of this the Senate never heard of.

2ND AVOCATORE
: 'Twill come most strange to them when we report it.

4TH AVOCATORE
: The gentlewoman has been ever held Of unreprovèd name.

3RD AVOCATORE
:    So the young man.

4TH AVOCATORE
: The more unnatural part that of his father.

2ND AVOCATORE
: More of the husband.

1ST AVOCATORE
:          I not know to give

His act a name, it is so monstrous!

4TH AVOCATORE
: But the impostor, he is a thing created T' exceed
example
.

1ST AVOCATORE
: And all after-times!

10    
2ND AVOCATORE
: I never heard a true voluptuary

Described but him.

3RD AVOCATORE
: Appear yet those were cited?

NOTARIO
: All but the old magnifico, Volpone.

1ST AVOCATORE
: Why is not he here?

MOSCA
:                 Please your fatherhoods,

Here is his advocate. Himself's so weak,

So feeble –

4TH AVOCATORE
: What are you?

BONARIO
:             His parasite,

His knave, his pander! I beseech the court