vnNeSsa1 (14 page)

“It’s OK, Bonita. Let me just hold you awhile.”

And he does. He touches me in long strokes down my arms and back. He kisses me on my face, neck, and mouth, as if we’re alone on the boat instead of in a group of people. Sometimes he just talks to me in his low, calming voice. Victor does this for a very long time, until the shaking has stopped.

All the drama has put an end to the party mood on the houseboat. By unspoken mutual agreement, we head back to the dock. Victor keeps his arms wrapped protectively around me. He stares people down when they approach, so they stay away.

Soon, everyone can see I’m OK, so they seem to forget about me. Everyone, that is, except Jennifer
, who throws looks of hate my way whenever she passes by. And Lily, concerned as she was to begin with, looks a little remote now. That really hurts. But faithful Tink peeks around the corner every so often just to make sure I’m still OK.

“Where’s Ian?” I can’t believe I haven’t thought of him until just now.

“The
Niño
?” Victor’s jaw tightens and then relaxes. “Getting patched up and hiding out, I imagine. I messed him up a little, then he went in the water after you when you panicked. You scratched the hell out of him.”

“Oh, no,” I groan. This will take a second apology note.

“He’s the one who owes you an apology,” Victor says, reading my mind.

“You both behaved badly.”

“I know, Van; I’m so sorry.” For the second time today, the world tilts.

“What did you call me?”

“I don’t know. ‘Van,’ I think. Short for Savannah. It just came out.” The roaring in my ears almost prevents me from hearing him. I put my head between my knees so I don’t pass out. “
Bonita
, I’ll stick to
Bonita
,” Victor says quickly, his voice full of concern. He massages the back of my neck and speaks softly to me in Spanish.

“It’s
fine. This day has just been too much,” I assure him, sitting up. I wrap my arms around him and lay my head on his chest.

But it’s not fine. When he called me Van, it was so eerie. It felt
familiar. Then it clicks in. The link between the password—vnNeSsa1—and Van. Vannessa. It’s my name. Of course, how could I not see it?

When the houseboat docks, Victor makes sure we’re the first
off. He tosses my keys to Tink and bundles me in his car. On the drive home, he talks about mundane things until he sees me grow calm. Once at my apartment, he prescribes a relaxing bath and says he’ll fix us something to eat.

My bath takes less than five minutes, as water of any kind makes me uneasy.
The trauma of the day is pushed to the back of my mind. While dressing, I pause for a moment to appreciate the domestic sounds of Victor in the kitchen. My bare feet make no sound moving through the apartment. I stop at the doorway and watch him. His back is to me. Muscles bunch under his shirt as he cuts vegetables in graceful, even strokes. Just looking at him move sends a thrill through me.

“Come here to me,” he says, without turning around. How did he know I was here?

“You should see yourself in the sun,” I say, thinking about how he looked on the boat. I cross to him and lay my head on the upper part of his back, my hands on his shoulders. “You look like a god.” He doesn’t laugh to brush off the compliment, making me love him more. His muscles continue working and feel good under my face. “Others thought so, too,” I add, wishing the resentment in my voice wasn’t so obvious.

“You wanted me to be cool around your friends,” he says, his tone light.

“That didn’t include allowing yourself to be pawed by other females.” I hate myself for sounding insecure. He puts down the knife, turns around, and takes my hands.

“If you’re referring to Jennifer, her touch leaves me cold.” He holds my gaze with his steady one. I couldn’t look away if I wanted to. And I don’t want to. “You, on the other hand, can just look at me with those eyes and
—feel my heart.” He puts my hand on his chest. His heart is pounding. “No one else on earth can do that to me.” He kisses my lips slowly, making me disintegrate to dust in his hands. “Anyway, I think it’s pretty obvious now to everyone how I feel about you.”

“Good. It’s a relief.” My lips find his again. Between kisses
, my words flow out. “I thought I could keep everyone happy, especially if I don’t have much time. But it’s not true. I screwed everything up. Now even Lily’s mad at me.”

“What do you mean about not having much time?” Victor asks, pulling away a bit, zeroing in on the one thing I wish hadn’t slipped out. Is now the time to tell him about my memory loss? Should I tell him that I’m running from something in my past?
That I think I’m running from someone who’s hunting me down? And that, as wonderful as my new life has been up until today, I have felt increasingly like time is running out?

What’s holding me back? It may be that I’ve done something awful in the past. It may be knowing that he’s holding something back from me. All I can do is look at him, mute in my indecision.

“It’s OK, Bonita,” he says, making the decision for me. “I said before you can talk to me when you’re ready.” His face holds nothing but compassion. He’s not demanding anything from me. Emotion fills me. Words can’t do justice to these feelings, so I speak with my body. Just like in dance.

My eyes close and my fingers find his face. I savor every hollow and curve on its surface. His breathing quickens. My breathing changes to match his until there is just one movement in and out. I draw my hands through his hair,
and then move to his neck and shoulders. The feel of his body makes my breath come more quickly, breaking our rhythm.

Completely in sync with the dance I’ve begun, Victor circles slowly to the living room, with me wrapped in his arms. More fluidly than any dance partner, he picks me up and lays me gently on the floor. He doesn’t hurry, but waits with his lips just above mine until my eyes open. His eyes have never looked blacker.

I keep my eyes open as he kisses me.
Can you see how I feel?
I want time to stop here, with this kiss. As it ends, his hands caress me, complementing my own touch. My nerve endings come alive, lit like a billion tiny fuses. Sparking. Burning. It goes on and on. There’s something building inside that makes me tremble. He pulls me closer. His heat passes over my skin in radiating waves fusing me to him. My body aches at the core for him. My desire for him is so strong, it feels consuming. We are speaking through our hands and lips. Let me tell him everything.

But there’s something I have to do first.
Now is the time to be truthful.

“Victor.” I pull away from him slightly, so I can see his eyes. They’re smoky-looking and have such a loving expression in them, I almost lose my nerve. Gathering my courage, I keep going
. “I need to tell you something.”

“Of course, Bonita. What is it?” He looks apprehensive and touches my face.

Loud knocks on my apartment door shatter the moment.

Neither of us moves. We just lie there, wrapped in each other’s arms.

“Don’t answer it, Bonita. You’ve had a hard enough day.”

The knocking repeats, even louder this time.

“No, I’d better get it. My phone’s dead. What if it’s Tink needing something?” I straighten my clothes as I walk to the front door and open it.

Standing there in the waning daylight is Liam.

Chapter 18

“Hello, Savannah.” Liam’s curvaceous lips part in a smile that unsettles me. “Aren’t you going to ask me in?” Victor has jumped up and taken a protective stance beside me at the door. He takes a step back when he sees who it is.

“You know Liam, Savannah?”

Nothing comes out of my mouth. I’m too shocked by the change in Victor. All color has drained from his face. His head swivels from me to Liam, body frozen, as if he has lag bolts through his shoes.

“Sure. Savannah knows me,” Liam says, his voice way too intimate. “All my girls know me.”
Oh, no. This looks bad
. Victor, usually so good at keeping his emotions off his face, looks stunned.

“I’ve been neglecting you, Savannah,” Liam continues, sweeping past me into the living room, apparently tired of waiting for an invitation. “But I see you’ve been keeping yourself busy. With one of my boys, no less.” He laughs, an almost girlish sound.
What is he talking about?

“What are you talking about, Liam?” I ask, my anxiety growing with each passing second.

“Victor works for me, don’t you, Victor?” Liam fixes Victor with his white-blue eyes. Victor stares back without saying anything. Liam looks at me and gives his girl laugh again. Keeping his eyes on me, he says, “Victor, do you mind? I need a little time alone with Savannah.”

“I’m not leaving.” Victor’s face is stone.

Liam’s head whips around. His ever-present smile fades.

“What did you say?” It sounds like a dog snarling. A silent battle commences between the two men. Liam’s eyes take on a deadly look. Victor’s face hardens further. Tension is so thick in the air, it’s uncomfortable to breathe. Suddenly, Victor blinks and looks at me. In his glance, in just that second, something crosses his face that I can’t read. Pain? Disgust? Then he’s out the door.

He’s taken the oxygen out of the room with him. I can’t breathe. I can’t believe he’s left me.

“
No
,” comes out with a gasp for air and I start out the door after him. Liam’s grip on my arm is vise-like.

“Let him go, Savannah. He’s not good for you.”

My frantic efforts to get free of him are useless. “Let me go!”

“Savannah!” He’s gripping both arms now. It hurts. “Listen to me! Did he tell you why he quit the sheriff’s department in San Diego?” He shakes me so I’ll look at him. “He was dirty, taking money on the side. He barely avoided prosecution. They didn’t have enough evidence on him. They forced him to quit. I bet he didn’t tell you that.”
No! What are you telling me?
My brain fights the information. I squeeze my eyes shut, and then open them and refocus on Liam’s face. His eyes are almost alive with the pleasure of dealing me this blow. Almost, but not quite.

“You’re lying.”

“And you’re naïve.” He lets me go completely and I don’t move. I want to go after Victor, but my legs are numb. “You’ve seen how girls are around him.” Liam lowers his voice to a taunting whisper. “He makes you feel special, doesn’t he?” His voice is fading out. The light is too bright. My legs aren’t holding me.

He left me.

Arms encircle me before I fall and half-carry me to the couch. “I know it’s a shock, Savannah, but it’s better that you know.” He acts attentive, putting pillows behind me, sitting close.
Take deep breaths. In and out
. Biting my lips until they bleed keeps the roaring sound in my ears at bay.

I can’t believe he left me. Maybe it wasn’t as final as it seemed. But there was something about the way he switched when Liam came. Then he just backed off. And then left me with Liam.

The roaring comes back full force and I bite my lips until my mouth is bloody. Liam watches me, blinking slowly. He looks like a lizard. OK, I can focus now.

“You said Victor
works for you. I thought he was a security guard for the hotel. What does he do for you?” My voice is shaking.
No damn crying
.

“Anything I want him to,” Liam says.

I want to slap the smile off his face.

“Poor Savannah,” he says, petting my hair. If he touches me again, I’m going to punch him. “Do you know why I named you Savannah?” When I don’t respond
, he continues, “You look like a Savannah cat, half-wild. And your eyes…”

“Don’t!” He’s about to touch me again and my hand is raised
, ready to hit him.

“See what I mean
.” He laughs. “Wild.”

“What do you want, Liam?” I ask
, suddenly too tired and sick at heart to put up with more of his crap.

“OK, down to business,” he says, his eyes vacant, glacial spheres, all pretense of concern dropped. “People have been asking about you, Savannah. You need my protection.” He pauses a minute, waiting for the news to sink in. He gets no reaction. Nothing can be worse than Victor walking out my door. Besides, I’ve been expecting this news. My time has run out.

Is his face actually registering disappointment at my lack of response?
Jerk
.

“Wolfman denied recognizing your picture, of course. However, the type of people looking for you can be persistent. For an additional fee for my services, I can keep Wolfman quiet and protect you.” His eyes are so blank. What do they remind me of? Oh yeah, a goat’s e
yes: alien-looking, slits instead of circles for pupils.

“How much?”
You blackmailing, goat-eyed bastard
.

“
Ten thousand dollars for now, plus the back pay for leasing the Z4. I’ve known all along you have a little money stashed somewhere, Savannah. I really have been neglecting you, love. But, that’s over now,” he promises, the intimate tone back. My skin crawls.

“I don’t have it here. I’ll get it by tomorrow and give it to Tink to give to you. Is that all?” He needs to get the hell out now.

“That’s about it.” He slowly rises from the couch and stretches his arms over his head, keeping his eyes on my face. He looks as if he’s trying to put his body on display for me. It makes me want to yack. My mind goes back to that first day in the coffeehouse when I thought he looked like a gorgeous marble statue. He looks like the devil to me now. He walks to the door and is about to turn the knob. I stop him.

“Liam?” He turns to me
, lifting his brows. “I’m
not
‘one of your girls.’” He smiles one of those dead-eyed smiles that I’ve grown to hate.

“We’ll see about that, Savannah.”

The front door makes no sound when he leaves.

It occurs to me that there’s work tonight, but my body won’t respond to my brain telling it to move. It just sits there. For hours. Maybe I’m waiting for Victor to come back. Maybe I know in my heart he won’t. The hours drag on. My body still won’t move.

The doorbell rings.
Victor!
I’m at the door, ripping it open before the chime has faded.

It’s Tink.

Something rips loose inside and tears flood out. Weird crying sounds are coming from my throat and I’m holding my stomach because it feels like my guts will spill out if I don’t. Tink looks shaken.

“Savannah, what’s wrong?” She puts her arm around me and leads me to the same damn couch I’ve been dying on for an eternity. My head shakes crazily and I abruptly sit on the floor, still crying hysterically. She sits beside me, holds me, and pats me. She does all the things for me I once did for her. Eventually, the tears slow down.

“Savannah, what happened? You didn’t even call in sick to work. You just didn’t show.”

“Victor walked out on me.”

I tell her about the change in Victor once Liam came. I tell her about how Victor works for Liam. And about how Liam said Victor was a dirty cop, but I don’t believe him. What I don’t tell her is how Liam referred to me as one of his girls and how he blackmailed me.

“That’s really weird,” Tink says, pushing away from me, putting her back against the couch. “But, you know, Liam wouldn’t lie.” She’s referring to the dirty cop thing. Her eyes look troubled. “What did Liam want to talk to you about that made him want to see you alone?”

“I owe him back pay for leasing the Z4,” I improvise, weary beyond words. Suddenly, I just want Tink to leave. She’s too blinded by her feelings for Liam to see the situation clearly. It was a mistake to confide in her.

Tink suddenly gets up and heads for the front door. She grabs her purse that she dropped there, roots around, comes up with her cell and hands it to me.

“Savannah, text Victor. I hate to see you miserable like this.” She closes my fingers over the phone, hugs me, and goes back to sitting against the couch.

I stare at the phone for a long time,
and then tap out a message and wait. I feel as if I’m going to be sick. Finally three words appear on the screen:
We’ll talk tomorrow
. I beg him to talk to me tonight. One crushing word comes back:
No
.

I show the exchange to Tink
, whose elfin face crumples with sympathy.

“I’m so sorry, Savannah.”

“I think I’ll go to bed,” I say, because my world needs to shut down now.

Contrary to my prediction of sleeplessness, I fall into a black hole until two hours before work the next day. Everything feels like a dead weight when consciousness hits. Memory of my current life is instantly there and it is unwelcome. There is no choice but to move forward. My eyes reluctantly open.

There’s just enough time before work to get the money for Liam and to go to Walmart to buy additional airtime on my cell. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror and take a quick shower. Walmart is the first errand
. From there, my Z4 makes the familiar trip out to the desert where my money is hidden. I dig up the backpack, wondering ghoulishly how many dead bodies are buried nearby.

Tink has been finding her own ride to work
—probably with Liam—so I head straight to the hotel from the desert. I dug up every bit of cash. Having it all in my possession makes me nervous, but I may need to make a run for it. The thought makes me incredibly sad.

On the way into the building, Lily’s graceful form and halo of auburn hair disappear around the corner just ahead of me. My held breath blows out in a sigh of relief.
Please, get me through this night without confrontation
.

“Oh, hey, Savannah
.” Lily pokes her head back around the corner. “I thought that was you.”

“Hey, Lily.” My voice sounds lifeless. She waits for me to catch up to her.

“I just need to ask you one thing,” she says the second we’re in step. I close my eyes with dread and wait for her to go on. “Why didn’t you tell me about you and Victor?”

“I can’t do this right now,” I say to her and duck into my dressing room. Once at my station, I scoot my chair as far into the corner as possible and put earbuds in. I don’t take them out even to talk to Josie. Finally, she removes one earbud and reminds me to go speak to the general manager about my not showing up to work last night. She looks worried about me. I had almost forgotten to give Tink the money for Liam, so that’s another stop to make.

Everything seems pretty normal, except for this numb feeling. My make-up’s on, Josie’s helped me to get dressed, the curtain is about to open. There it goes. My body knows what to do. I can do this.

What’s that sound? Water rushing. Oh, no. Not again. Please, no. Wait, it’s just the set. The waterfall set. You dance with it every night. But, my heart is racing so fast, I feel
as if I’m going to have a heart attack. The stage lights are blinding me now, mixed with points of light flicking across my vision. Blinking and squinting doesn’t help to clear them. My vision is narrowing now, black around the edges. I can’t catch my breath. Something is terribly wrong. I feel so sick. Going crazy. Sweating. Cold. Got to get off this stage.

I must have gotten off somehow, because Josie has me lying flat on the floor.

“You’re white as a sheet, love,” she says, smoothing my brow with rough fingers.

“I’ll be OK in a minute,” I say, already feeling better. “Water’s been making me panic lately.” When she looks confused, I add, “It’s OK
—I don’t know what’s going on, either.”

The number is ending. Dancers are flowing by me to change costumes offstage for the quick turnaround between numbers. Jennifer pauses on her way to her costume and looks down at me with disdain.

“She’s losing it,” she says, loud enough for all nearby to hear.

“Don’t listen to her,
honey,” Josie says to me, equally loud, glaring at Jennifer. Lily pulls Jennifer away without looking at me. The blood is definitely back in my head now. My cheeks feel like they’re on fire. But more than the embarrassment of people staring at me, I feel devastated. I’m losing my friends. Feelings of panic start up again.
Pull yourself together
.

“Help me get dressed, would you, Josie?” I say, sitting up abruptly, feeling woozy. “I’m going to do this next number.”

“Are you sure, Savannah?” The crease between Josie’s eyes has deepened.