Vivienne's Guilt (24 page)

But then the chorus comes back, and he sings it the same way again, and I feel horrible because I cannot contain myself. I burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Abbott glares at me, not looking my way again for the rest of the song. No one else says a word about his screw up or even cracks a smile. How is that possible?

When he’s through, everyone claps and he climbs down the steps to find me on the dance floor. “What the hell, Viv? You almost made me mess up,” he says, annoyed.

I snort. “I almost made you mess up?” I ask sarcastically. “
‘Let’s go into the water and drown?’
” I tease, making air quotes with my fingers.

“Is it a bad song or something?” he asks, clearly confused.

I chew on my lip, trying not to laugh at him. “Umm...No. “Water Runs Dry” is a great song. This is the first time I have ever heard “Water and Drown”.”

He still doesn’t have a clue what I’m getting at, so I pull the lyrics up on my phone. “Did you even look at the word monitor once while singing?”

“No, I didn’t need to,” he answers, puffing up his chest with pride.

Oh, Abbott...

“Well, you should have,” I snicker and pass him my phone.

I stand there fidgeting while he reads over the lyrics, and his eyes get big when he realizes his mistake.

“Shit. I’ve been singing it wrong all this time.” Abbott laughs, shaking his head. “But, my lyrics make sense, too,” he adds, coming to his own defense.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I guess if you go into the water and drown, you will probably watch your life pass by.”

“Right? It works,” he says, chuckling. Abbott wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his vibrating chest. “You ready to get outta here?” he asks, kissing the top of my head affectionately.

He doesn’t have to ask me twice. I nod and feel the butterflies return in my tummy as he takes my hand in his, leading us toward the exit. On our way out, I wave at Cassie, who is still whoring it up at the bar, to let her know that we’re heading home.

When we step out into the parking lot and no longer have to shout to be heard, I turn to Abbott. “Oh, and in case you were wondering about the effects of your performance...it was panty wetting.”

He stops walking and looks at me with a boyish grin. “Was it?” He darts his tongue out, licking his bottom lip.

“Oh yeah,” I say as a smile spreads across my face. “I’m pretty sure I peed myself!”

“Viv!” Cassie calls, pulling on my arm. “Where are you, babe? We’re done. What are you staring at?”

I shake my head and realize that I’m still staring into Reid’s eyes. I force myself to smile at the kids and then follow Cassie down to our seats, feeling dazed and empty. Tears burn the backs of my eyes and the hole in my heart is ripped wide open.
I miss him.

“Where were you just now?” Cassie whispers as Reid introduces the next performers.

Bouncing my leg nervously, I shake my head and swallow a sob.

Cassie places a hand on my back and kisses the hair at my temple. “You did great,” she whispers.

I nod my thanks and reach into my bag, pulling out a pair of sunglasses to hide my tears. I dig around for my pills and tap one into my palm, swallowing it down with one of the bottles of water that we found waiting at our seats after our performance. I just took one before we left to come out here. I’ve been doing this too often, and I know that I need to stop. But when I feel this bad, all I can think about is numbing the pain as quickly as possible. What’s the worst that could happen? I’m already dead inside.

The first pair of kids finish their song, and I’d be lying if I said I even knew what they sang. All of my concentration is focused on not falling apart. It’s exhausting. Sometimes the memories make me feel better, make me smile, and others...all they do is make me realize just how much I am not better, and that better may never come. That I may spend the rest of my life treading water—trying desperately not to drown, and praying that I don’t take anyone else down with me when I do. Because I undoubtedly will. I can’t go on this way forever.

Two more groups have gone, and I play my part. I face the stage, and I clap when everyone else does. But I’m not here, not really. I’m not living in this moment. I’m a body taking up space—a prop. By the time the last performers take the stage, I am blessedly numb and half asleep.

“Hey,” Cassie says, shaking my shoulder. “Let’s go inside, babe. You fell asleep.”

“Huh?” I ask. “Where are the kids?”

“They just left to go back home. They said to tell you that they had a wonderful time.”

Shit. I’m ruining Abbott’s camp. I’m sad, I’m tired, and I’m completely overwhelmed. I can’t seem to do anything right anymore. It’s bad enough that I paid absolutely no attention to the performances, but to fall asleep on them. How do I explain my way out of that one?

As if she’s reading my thoughts, Cassie says, “Don’t worry about it. I told them you weren’t feeling well and took some cold medicine that must have kicked in and knocked you out. I gotcha covered, babe...so wipe that frightened look off your face.”

“Thanks,” I whisper, staring blankly at the stage.

“You wanna tell me where you were tonight? You sounded great, you always do, but you were not with me on that stage, Viv.”

Knots form in my stomach. “Joey’s Bar...I was at Joey’s Bar,” I mumble.

“Our first time?” she asks, grinning.

“Mmmhmm.”

“That was such a great night. Not only because we totally rocked that performance, but I got to see Abbott naked. That shit should be celebrated!”

At that, I laugh. “You’re not right, you know that?”

“Hey, you two freaks were the ones going at it like bunnies on our couch!”

My face warms. We did do that...“Well, we assumed you would be with that bartender all night or at least ’til early morning...”

“Hey. I’m not complaining. I’m totally into a little voyeurism,” she teases.

“Voyeurism, eh?” Reid asks, coming up behind us. “Sounds like fun...who are we voyeuring?”

“No one,” I answer quickly.

Reid and Cassie both laugh at my expense. I’m getting used to being a source of their entertainment. I think they enjoy embarrassing me a little too much, but I’m okay with it. Embarrassment is better than depression.

I try to avoid looking Reid in the eye as we gather our things and head back to the house. I wonder what he thinks about me staring at him all through my performance, but I’m too embarrassed to ask. Sometimes, I swear I catch him looking at me with the same longing Abbott would and maybe that’s why I get lost in his eyes so often. My mind sees what it wants to see.

Vivienne

Another month has come and gone.
I can’t believe it’s July already
, I think as I hang the red, white, and blue streamers from the ceiling of the outdoor kitchen. The Fourth was one of Abbott’s favorite holidays. Every year, we had a pool party and barbecue for all of our friends. Abbott was the king of the grill. He said that feeding people made him happy, but I think that he just enjoyed showing off his culinary skills.

This year’s celebration will be much quieter than previous years. I still can’t bear to be around too many people. The truth is, I wouldn’t know how to act. I’m not the same person that I was before meeting Abbott. I haven’t been that girl for such a long time. He changed me. We changed each other. There’s no going back, but it seems there’s no moving forward, either. We danced through life with Abbott always taking the lead. He was my compass...my north star. When he moved, I moved, and now that he’s gone, I’ve forgotten the steps. I’m afraid to make a mistake and land flat on my face.

I don’t want to have to see the pitying looks on people’s faces or to be forced to lie when they ask how I’m doing. I’m not okay, but that’s not what people want to hear. The truth would make them uncomfortable, and I’m not in a place to have to be concerned with other people’s feelings.

“Momma,” Tillie calls, bursting through the back door.

I glance over at her and smile at her disheveled appearance. Her pigtails are sagging, and she’s already lost one of her red bows. Her white skirt is covered in dirt.
She is so Abbott’s kid
.

“Yeah, baby?”

“They’re here, Mommy,” she says excitedly. “I sawed Auntie get out of her car, and she has the guh, Mom!”

The girl is Korie, Sierra’s little sister. Cassie arranged it with the Clawsons for the girls to spend the Fourth of July with us. We haven’t had the chance to meet Korie yet, but Cassie and Sierra talk about her so often that it already feels like she’s a part of the family. Korie is four and close to Tillie’s age. To say that she’s excited would be an understatement.

I drop the roll of red crepe paper and the tape into the tray on the top of the ladder then climb down so that Tillie and I can go up front to greet our guests.

After slipping my white crochet cover-up on over my bathing suit, we walk around the side of the house, and Tillie takes off running. She has already introduced herself to Korie, and the two have run off together by the time that I reach the car.

I smile when I approach and see that the three of them are dressed festively in red, white, and blue. Even Sierra, which is surprising. She’s usually got the whole emo/goth girl thing going on.

“Wow, Sierra, you look beautiful in that dress. You should wear them more often.” I walk over and kiss her temple.

An unsure smile moves across her face as she smoothes down her skirt. “Thanks, Mrs. Vivienne. Cassie insisted that dressing up like the flag is a requirement to attend this party, so here we are,” she says miserably.

Pressing my hand to my chest, I gasp. “Did you just admit that you wanted to see me so badly that you put on a dress?”

To that, she gives me an impressive eye roll and stalks off, but not before looking back at me with a half grin.
Love her.

“Hooch!” Cassie comes running around the side of her car, and I shake my head when I get a good look at her outfit. Red and white striped denim shorts with a navy tank covered in tiny white stars and a pair of plastic star sunglasses sitting on top of her head. But the shoes are where it’s at. Somehow, this chick got her hands on a pair of star spangled rubber shit-kicking boots.

“Nice shoes, Clotille.”

Cassie strikes a pose. “No need to be jealous, Momma. Yours are in the trunk.” She winks, smacking her gum.

She’d better be joking.
“You’re late! You said you’d be here early enough to decorate. Look how sweaty I am from working outside all by myself this morning!” I scrunch my nose in disgust. She knows how much I hate to sweat.

“I know I was supposed to be here earlier, but it wasn’t my fault your surprise was late...”

Good grief. Those words shouldn’t make me so nervous. “You got me another surprise?”

“Oh, stop looking at me like I’m going to whip out anal beads or something.” Cassie laughs. “You are going to looooove this surprise.”

I hear a car door open and close, and my heart leaps when I see a familiar face peek around the back of Cassie’s car. “Surprise!”

Tears fill my eyes. “Momma?”

“Hey, baby doll. I told ya I’d be back, didn’t I?” Her thick country drawl makes me smile.

We meet halfway, and I fall into my mother’s waiting arms. The same arms that rocked me to sleep as a baby and held my hair when I was sick. The same arms that saw me through my first heartbreak and lent me their strength as I watched my soul mate being lowered into the cold ground. I didn’t realize how badly I needed this. “I can’t believe you’re really here.” I bury my face into her shoulder, breathing in the scent of her perfume, drawing comfort from the familiar cadence of her heartbeat.

“I’m here, baby,” she says, rubbing circles on my back. “I’m here.”

I peer over Mom’s shoulder and mouth the words
thank you
to Cassie. She waves me off like it’s no big deal, but this is
such
a big deal, and as I watch her gather the girls and herd them into the house, I’m reminded again how lucky I am to have her in my life.

“How are you, baby? You don’t say too much on the phone. I thought that you were doing well...ya know...considering. Now Cassie’s tellin’ me that’s not the case. Talk to me, Viv.” Mom pulls back just a little so that she can see my face. With her thumbs, she rubs away my tears while allowing hers to glide freely down her cheeks.