Vivienne's Guilt (19 page)

About a half hour later, Reid and Cassie are back with all of our new guests. They crowd into the kitchen and begin filling their plates with finger food. We spend a few hours getting to know one another, and no one mentions Abbott again.

I see a few of the kids pairing off already, and I know that Abbott would be proud.

After a while, I notice that Cassie is nowhere to be found and sneak off to look for her. I find her alone in the downstairs guest bedroom in what looks to be a pretty heavy conversation. I can hear her begging the Clawsons for just a little more time. She’s on the verge of tears and doesn’t seem to be winning her argument. “Please, Mr. Clawson. She really is a great kid, and Korie will be lost without her big sister.” She listens for a moment. “Just give me enough time to find someone to take them both...I can’t send her to a group home...What if I keep her with me all day, and she promises to behave...Just one more chance.” She listens, and I see her features begin to relax. “Thank you so much, Mr. Clawson...I’ll make sure that she’s on her best behavior.”

As she hangs up the call, Cassie rests her head against the wall and cries. I’ve never seen her look so defeated.

“Cassie?” I whisper, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my chin on her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Suddenly, her body goes limp in my arms. Her legs give out, and her head falls to the side.

“Cassie!” I shout while dragging her over to the bed. Before I can even lay her down, she comes out of it.

She quickly wipes her tears away and turns to me with a weak smile. “Hey.”

“What the hell just happened? Cassie, you fainted in my arms.”

“Did I?” she asks, looking a little dazed. “Hmm. My thyroid must be off again. I’m okay. Don’t worry about me, Viv.”

She is clearly not okay. I take a good look at my best friend and notice how worn out she looks. How scrawny she is. I feel like shit because I have totally dropped the ball with her. I’ve allowed Cassie to take care of my daughter and me, and I’ve forgotten to take care of her. I’m her person. I look out for her. We look out for each other, and she has had no one these past few weeks. “I’m so sorry, Cassie. I haven’t been here for you.”

She gives me a look that says that she thinks I am completely insane. “Really? I don’t need you to be there for me right now, Viv. It’s my turn to help you. My problems are nothing compared to yours.”

“Cass, don’t do that. Don’t shut me out because you think I can’t handle it. You don’t get to decide that your problems aren’t worth sharing.”

She shakes her head. “Seriously, Vivienne, do you hear yourself? You’re asking me to dump my shit on the shoulders of my best friend who just lost her husband. I’m not that selfish.”

I want to choke her.

“It’s not selfish to confide in me. Yes, I’m sad and I’m depressed, and I probably will be for a very long time. Maybe even forever,” I say with tears building in my eyes. “But I’m not dead, Cassie. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean I want to lose my best friend, too...I’ve already lost so much, Cass. Please don’t leave me, too,” I cry.

“Never, Viv. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m sorry for not confiding in you,” she says, taking my hand into hers. “I’m just running out of options with Sierra, but I’ll figure something out. Don’t worry about it,” she says, using her sleeve to dry her face.

“Why don’t you bring her here instead of making her hang out with you at work? If she wants to, of course...I could use a babysitter for Tillie during the day. They seemed to hit it off well when we went tubing,” I offer.

“Okay. Maybe I will,” she says, starting to rise from the bed.

“Oh, no,” I say, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her back down. “No way. What was up with you fainting? And don’t lie to me and tell me that bullshit about your thyroid. You don’t have problems with your thyroid.”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s all the stress with Sierra and losing Abbott. It’s just a lot. That’s never happened to me before, I promise,” she says. After studying her face, I decide that I believe her.

“Cassie, I think that you need to see someone. You aren’t eating right. I probably should have made you go to a therapist a long time ago for this. You have a problem. I’m not saying you aren’t stressed, but you’re skin and bones.”

The panic in her face takes me by surprise. “No. Viv, I can’t. If my job found out...CPS is really strict about those things. I can’t risk losing my job. I will eat. I swear,” she begs with tears in her eyes.

I don’t know what to do. I know that she needs help. I also know that losing her job would kill her, and no one would care for her kids the way she does. “I don’t know, Cass...”

“I swear I’ll come over and let you watch me eat every day, Viv. I know that I haven’t been eating right, but I swear it’s not because I’m trying to lose weight. I just get so stressed out that I don’t feel hungry,” she explains.

“Fine,” I answer with a resigned sigh. “But I’m watching you, and you can’t keep shutting me out.”

Cassie leans in and gives me a hug. “Thank you, bestie,” she whispers into my ear. “I love you.”

I return her hug, feeling the bones in her back, and it makes me cringe with guilt. “I love you, too, babe. Let’s go get some food in you before you pass out again.”

After filling our bellies, Cassie takes off to pick up Sierra before she can get into any more trouble, and I walk down to the lake to join everyone else. Reid left a note on the fridge saying that he had taken Tillie and where to find them so that I wouldn’t worry.

Everyone seems to be having a great time. After fishing, we pull out the life jackets and let the kids take turns in the paddle boats. When Cassie returns with Sierra, she too straps on a jacket and joins right in with the other kids.

Cassie and I lay out in the grass, watching the children play, and I notice the way her whole face lights up as she watches Sierra and how much more relaxed she seems now that she’s here. She will make a great mom someday.

“She’s not a bad kid,” Cassie says, breaking the silence.

“No,” I agree, “she’s not. Did you talk to her about helping me out with Tillie for the summer? I’d love to have her, and it will give you time with your other cases.”

Cassie nods. “I spoke to her on the way over here. She’s really excited.” Cassie turns to me and smiles. “Thank you for giving her a chance, Viv.”

“No thanks needed. We’re family, and that’s what family is supposed to do. We take care of each other, Cass. Your people are my people.”

Finally, five o’clock rolls around and I’ve never been so happy to see those white vans depart. I’m both physically and emotionally drained. We survived our first day of Camp Aspie without Abbott, and while it wasn’t quite the same without him, I do think the kids really enjoyed it.

Reid comes over and asks to borrow the car so that he can take Kylie out to eat, and I’m relieved that I won’t have to entertain them tonight.

Cassie and Sierra stay for dinner and a movie. Once they leave, Tillie and I grab a quick shower, brush our teeth, and climb into her frilly pink bed. I fall asleep amid mountains of stuffed animals and toys with my own little doll cradled tightly in my arms. Even with my arm completely numb under the weight of Tillie’s head and various little girl things poking me in the back, it’s the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while.

Vivienne

We’ve just finished with another successful day of camp, and I feel so much relief as I wave goodbye to the children and watch those white vans roll down the driveway. I don’t ever remember being this exhausted by the camp. It was something that Abbott and I enjoyed so much that the days all flew by in a blur. Now, they seem to drag on endlessly.

We stand there waving until they’re out of sight, and then Cassie, Sierra, Tillie, and I meet Reid and Kylie at the pool to cool off.

Reid and Kylie...

I can’t stop watching the two of them together. I’m obsessed with the way his hand is caressing her inner thigh when he thinks no one is watching...her body’s reaction. The slight flush in her cheeks and the promise in her eyes.

I’m overcome with jealousy because I want to feel that way, too...to feel my body come alive beneath my husband’s touch. I want his hands on my thighs, in my hair, on my breasts...whisper soft kisses and his warm breath on my skin.

I know that I should turn away, but I hesitate for a moment too long, and I’m caught. Reid’s eyes find mine over her shoulder and my heart begins to race. Blood pulses behind my ears. Blue eyes that are as familiar as the back of my hand. The same blue eyes that I fell in love with so long ago. My heart clenches tightly in my chest as I struggle to look away.

With all of the restraint that I can muster, I rip my gaze from his and turn over in my lounger, diverting my attention to the other end of the pool. Reaching into my bag, I retrieve a pair of sunglasses to hide the frustration now seeping from my eyes. Knots form in my gut as I watch my baby girl and my best friend splashing around seemingly without a care in the world, and I’m even jealous of them. I can’t remember what it feels like to not carry the weight of the world in my chest.

I don’t know why everything has to hurt so much. I’m suffocating in this new life—a life I didn’t choose...and a life I’m not sure that I want.

Tillie’s laughter fills the air, and instead of bringing me feelings of joy and happiness, I’m consumed with guilt and so much shame. She should be enough. She
is
enough.

Why can’t she be enough?

When Cassie leaves to take Sierra home, Tillie and I go inside to change into dry clothes and figure out what to do for dinner. I’m emotionally drained and not sure how much longer I can put on a happy facade for everyone around me. The last thing I want is to let them know how much I am hurting. I don’t need to burden them with my feelings, and I don’t want them hovering over me any more than they already do.

Sometimes, I wish that I could just be left alone in my grief...to lie in this bed and never get out. I want to cry and scream and to break every fucking thing that I can get my hands on without having to answer for it, without having to worry about how crazy that would make me and how much it would scare my baby. But, life doesn’t stop. It goes on, and I have no choice but to flounder around trying to keep up. I’m harboring all of these pent up feelings with no place to release them, so I bottle them up, and I go through each day feeling like at any moment the pressure will become too much, and my body will implode.

As I am leaving my room, I catch the prescription bottle on my nightstand from the corner of my eye. It’s only been four hours, and I know that it is too soon...but the desire to feel a little relief is too strong to pass it by. With a guilty conscience and a racing pulse, I swallow another pill before going downstairs to meet Tillie.