Vision of Destiny (Infinity Book 2) (4 page)

“Because I want just one more time with you and Emma! Is that so much to ask for?”

“Yes! Karly’s our life and you need to understand that.”

Frustrated, Jamie gets up, takes the glass of whiskey from my hand, and drinks it. “Just one more chance and then I’ll be gone, Nicholas.”

“Do you know I was gonna fucking propose?” I take out the ring from around my neck and show her. “Now she probably won’t ever come back.”

“She’ll come back. I promise.”

Letting out a grunt, I place my hand on the shelf, keeping my head down. “Why’d you keep the painting in the front?”

“It brings me peace, to be honest. I look at it and I feel better.”

“Why?”

“Because I know you and Emma will be okay!” Jamie takes my hand and I don’t move away. She cups my face with both hands, leaning into me. Her lips are close to mine. I push her away, shaking my head. “I’m not a monster. That’s all I want. I want to make sure the both of you are loved and happy.”

“Then don’t touch me, Jamie. You lost that chance. Just because you’re here doesn’t mean you have the right to fucking touch me and try to get me to love you or whatever game you’re playing.”

“Can I pretend that we’re back together?”

“No.” Pouring another glass of whiskey, I feel her eyes staring at me.

“I wish Emma would warm up to me.”

“Well,” I take a drink and set it on the coffee table, “you kinda didn’t keep in touch, and Emma’s attachment to Karly grew. How can you come back and ask me to do this?”

“Nicky, are you seriously asking me this?”

“Yeah, I am, Jamie. Why? Emma and I were happy and things were great.” I know I have to try and keep my temper at bay and be nicer, but damn it, it’s not fucking easy. “I’m lost, Jamie. Every day that I’m without Karly, I lose a piece of myself.”

“You didn’t have to say yes.”

“Well, I can’t be an asshole to the mother of my daughter now, can I?”

She scoffs and takes my drink. “This isn’t what I wanted.”

“Me and you both.”

As the night goes by, alcohol fills my mind. All the tears that I fucking cried aren’t bringing her back. I’ve called her a million times, but silence. Since the last text she sent me, there hasn’t been anything else from her. My vision blurs with the thought of her alone, with no one to hold her. The nightmares she has, will it come back?

I pour myself another glass of whiskey, staring at the empty bottle. With everything I have, I throw it against the wall. “Fuck!” I yell, tossing back the whiskey.

I thought I had everything. I had fucking everything. She was the one thing I got right and here I was, standing in the room where we watched TV and spent nights loving each other. It was gone.

I’m only half a man without her. She’s my better half; the missing puzzle piece to my life. All I really want is Karly and for her to stick around. Closing my eyes, I see Karly. I feel the softness of her hair and hear the sweetness of voice. I miss her so much, to the point of not being able to breathe.

What’s left of a broken man? Nothing.

I don’t deserve her, not after everything I’ve put her through. I told her I love her and I want forever with her, then I leave her. I’m fucked up. She deserves better than me. But seeing her with someone else will break me and I’ll probably end up killing the cocksucker.

Falling on the couch, I let the glass slip from my hands as I tip my head back and close my eyes, remembering her. That’s all I have left – memories. Memories of the times we shared and how happy we made each other. I don’t blame her for leaving Wilmington. I don’t want to hold her back or keep her waiting. She doesn’t deserve me or this life that I have. It’s for the best. She’ll live her life to the fullest and I’ll be here.

Even though she’s my life and the air I breathe, I have to keep my word. Lying to her and seeing her broken soul tears me apart. This is why I have to stay away from her. I can’t poison her any more.

Common sense tells me to do whatever I can to find her –to tell her how sorry I am and beg for her to come back home. But, there’s Jamie and Emma. Emma’s my number one and I’m doing this for her. I don’t want her growing up with regrets. This is what I need to keep telling myself. If I say it enough times, I’ll believe it.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jamie. She sweeps the shards of glass from the kitchen. Without saying anything, she sits next to me and takes my hand.

“So we’re really doing this again, huh?”

“YOU DIDN’T TRUST US ENOUGH TO STAY.”

It’s the middle of the night when I wake up in a haze. I’m having the same dream again. Nicholas and I are at the apartment and I have my hand on the doorknob, ready to go. I look back and see his empty eyes. Neither of us are saying anything and I walk away, leaving my heart with his.

Rushing to the bathroom, I throw up and hug the toilet, resting my head on the seat. I’ve been trying to get a good night’s rest, but since leaving Wilmington each night, I have a battle with myself. My dreams all revolve around Nicholas and, when I wake up, I find myself in the bathroom, throwing up and hating myself. Why do I let him get to me? He’s not even around me, but just a single thought of Nicholas turns my world upside down. I can’t breathe when I think of him. I can’t see when I think of him. I want to scream and run back home and jump in his arms where I feel safe, but he’s so far away.

I hear his voice all the time. That night keeps playing in my head. Different moments pop up. It fucking kills me!

“Karly, promise me that you’ll never give up on us.”

I sobbed in his arms, holding him tight. “How can I promise you that when you’re throwing everything away?”

“Just trust me.”

“I did trust you, Nicholas. Now look where I am,” I mutter. The cold bathroom floor turns my body numb. I sit here for a while, not looking at anything, just sitting. There’s only one person I want right now, but that’s impossible.
No matter where I am, you’ll be here with me. Next to me. Always.

“Are you here, Neil?” I ask, waiting for an answer I know I’ll never get. “I’m pretty stupid, huh? I should’ve gotten back with Bradley.” I keep talking, not really sure what I’m saying. The words come out of my mouth, but my mind isn’t registering what I’m saying. Fuck, I think I’m going crazy. “I know you can’t answer back, but a sign letting me know what’s gonna happen will be nice.” Lowering my head, “I thought you said you’d always be next to me.”

Slowly getting back up, I head back to bed. Listening to the outside noise, I try to fall asleep. But when I close my eyes, I see his face. I see his smile. I see his frown. I see his eyes shine and I see his dull eyes deep in sorrow. It’s the same look I see over and over.

I grab my phone from the nightstand and think about texting him. Deep down, I think I know what he’ll say. He’ll tell me to leave him alone. He’ll tell me to delete him from my life and move on just like he is doing now. We never had closure and there’s so much to talk about, but I’m scared. I don’t think I can handle a rejection from him again. Instead, I pull up my notes app and start typing my feelings.

“Do you think about me the way I think about you? I want you to know that even though we’re not together, I miss you and love you so much. I want you here with me and I hate that you’re with Jamie. What does she have that I don’t? Is it because she’s Emma’s mom? Her birth mom – because I’m Emma’s mom. I love that little girl and I wouldn’t have left, but you and Jamie left me no other choice. I’m here alone while you’re home with my friends and the life I want. The only life I know. I wish I could text you or call you. I wish you knew how broken I am. I’m not strong and, even if I try, I know I’ll fail. Looking at the night skies makes me think of you. I think about all the times we shared and the words you’d say to me. I think about how whenever you came home, my body would react and run to you.”

Run…

“That’s what I wanna do. I wanna run. I wanna get out of here. If I did, would you try and find me?”

I shut out of the app and put my phone under my pillow. I hug another pillow to myself, hoping Nicholas can feel my arms around him. He’s home. He’s the only one who can rescue me from the depths of my sorrow and pain.

Just Nicholas.

Hours pass and, before I know it, it’s morning. Quickly getting out of bed, I head outside and relax on the cool sand. This is the place that calms me. When I’m here, I think about Hawaii and the amazing days we spent together. Those are the memories I keep alive in my heart. No one can take them away. Jamie can take him and Emma, but she’ll never take away what we shared.

I wrap my arms around my knees and place my forehead down. Listening to the roaring waves brings me slight peace, but it doesn’t take away the pain. Smushing my feet in the sand, I see my life flash across the sky. So many times, I ask myself why and how, but there’s no answer. Before, when I felt lost, Nicholas helped me find myself again.

I know dwelling in my own pity party isn’t cute or good. Maybe this is what I want. I want to be sad about Nicholas because if I start to feel an ounce of happiness, that means I’m letting him go and I don’t want to. I never want to let him go.

Slowly getting up and wiping the sand off my butt, I turn around and walk along the shoreline, my bare feet touching the warm ocean and enjoying the solace of the beach. A part of me misses Wilmington and I want to go back, but I can’t. Not yet. I’m not sure when I’ll go back.

The day drags on, leaving me restless. I’m either sleeping or on the beach. I still can’t bring myself to explore the town. Since talking to Nicholas, my phone’s been off and I’m sure Lexi is blowing it up with messages. I head upstairs with a glass of water, turning on my phone. As soon as it powers up, six messages pop up.

Lexi
: Bitch, do not ignore me!

Lexi
: Seriously, your phone’s off! I’m gonna kill you.

Bradley
: I’m stuck in Texas, but call me if you need me. I hate that your phone’s off. I hope you’re okay. I love you, all right?

Larry
: Baby girl, turn on your phone. I have one pissed-off pregnant woman here, and she’s ready to come kill you. We’re thinking of you.

Nicholas
: Thinking of you, Angel. Always thinking of you.

Lexi
: We’re done! I’m breaking up with you and finding a new best friend!

I send out a mass text message, leaving Nicholas out, letting them know I’m okay, and apologizing for turning my phone off. A few more messages come in and Lexi tells me she’ll be here in a few days with Larry and to be ready to get out of the house. I’m close to telling Lexi not to come. She’s the spitting image of Nicholas with her intense brown eyes and brown hair. They have the same smile and the same shaped nose. Cute as a button. When I see her, I know I’ll see Nicholas. Shit! But I know I can’t tell her not to come. She’s my best friend.

My stomach grumbles. I don’t feel like eating. I haven’t had a decent meal in a while, just crackers or some fruit. Everything is bland. Before Bradley left, he filled the fridge and cabinets with food. It’s not appealing to me anymore. The desire to cook or do anything to take care of myself loses its appeal.  My eyes are dark with circles and I’m losing weight. My clothes are loose on me, not like it matters. I’m usually in sweat pants and an oversized shirt. Actually, Nicholas’ shirt. Not sure how this ended up with my things, but I’m glad. It smells like him and I can’t take it off. Call me crazy, but I feel close to him with his shirt on.

Lying back down on my bed, I slowly close my eyes and fall back into a deep sleep.

Tossing and turning, another restless night. The night with my parents plays in my head. I see the darkness in his eyes. I smell the alcohol on his breath. I try and escape from his grip, but nothing works. His words play on and on.

“You’re a bitch.”

“I hope to see you in fucking hell.”

I wake up screaming. Opening my eyes, I realize I’m alone again. It’s five in the morning and I know I’m not getting any more sleep. I throw on my running clothes and head outside for a run on the beach. After running for a while, I stop and watch the sun rise. Things seem clearer, but my heart hurts.

Do I regret loving Nicholas? I don’t think so. I can’t regret loving someone who changed my life. Being with Nicholas took me out of my comfort zone. He healed me in so many ways. The only thing I regret is not fighting harder for him. 

Picking up my pace I start running again. My chest burns and my legs feel weak, but I push aside the pain and keep going. Finally reaching the beach house, I take one step at a time and walk through the doors, plopping down on the couch. Taking a few gulps of water, I head outside to the balcony.

A hand brushes my hair over my shoulder. I look and see a sleepy Bradley standing next to me.

“How you holding up?”

“I’m not sure.” I stare out to the dark ocean. “Sometimes I think about flying away. Away from all of this and starting over.”

“Well, if you do, be sure to bring me with you. I don’t want you starting over by yourself again.” I rest my head on his shoulder, breathing in his clean, minty scent. “You know I’m here for you,” he says, kissing the top of my head.

Having Bradley back in my life means so much. I’ve learned to forgive him and let him in. Without him, I’m not sure how I would be able to survive. Don’t get me wrong; Lexi and Larry are great, but it’s hard for them to pick sides and I don’t want that.

“Go to sleep, Bradley. You just got home from a long trip and you look like shit. I brush his shaggy dark brown hair from his tired green eyes. “You need a haircut.” I laugh, trying to make things comfortable. “I’m gonna be okay.”

He takes me by the hand and leads me back inside to my room. Sitting on my bed, he turns his body towards me and brings me in for a hug, a hug I didn’t know I needed until now. With the simple touch of his arms, I break down and ask him to stay with me. He doesn’t hesitate and lets me cry in his shirt. His voice is the last I hear, but Nicholas is the last person I see before falling back into my dark hole, a never-ending spiral of loss and pain.

I’ve fallen into the same routine – wake up, cry, sleep, go outside to the beach, cry, watch TV, cry, and try to eat. Bradley left for a few days to go back to Wilmington, but promised to call and check on me. The weather’s been on and off and I told Lexi to stay home. She has to worry about her baby, not me. After begging and pleading, and Larry’s intervention, she’s not coming to visit. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m sad Lexi’s not coming today. I can’t take being alone. The silence in the beach house drives me crazy. I have to do something or else I’m going to lose my mind.

Putting on my shorts and a soft, pink tee, I head out on the boardwalk and start walking. I don’t know where I’m going or what I want to do. I just walk.

ME:
ANGEL, TALK TO ME.

Me
: Angel, where are you?

Me
: I miss you. Do you miss me? Do you think about me? Because you’re always on my mind. I’m sorry for everything. Please, I hope one day you can forgive me.

I keep falling. I can’t get up. I can’t grab on to anything. My body feels light. Everything goes in slow motion. My mind is clear, but my eyes are closed. Everything is dark. What am I doing? Where am I? Confusion takes over. But this is what I’m used to since losing Karly. It doesn’t matter if I’m sleeping or if I’m awake, the feeling of falling and never stopping consumes me.

The empty bottle of Jack stares at me. There’s shattered glass on the floor and my hand fucking hurts. But I don’t care. I welcome the pain because nothing compares to the ache I have all over. Drifting in and out of consciousness, I feel like lying here and never getting up. Because if I get up, then I’m back in reality. When I’m in reality, Karly’s nowhere to be found.

Blackness. This is where I want to be.

My body shakes and I’m being lifted up. There are two – no, wait – four people near me, bringing me to a car. I’m tossed inside and hear the door closed. Shit, what if I’m being taken away? Will they kill me? Good. I welcome death the way I welcome pain. I need it slow and painful. Anything to numb my broken heart.