Virtue & Vanity (28 page)

Chapter Thirty-Two

As days turned to weeks, Sebastian’s kind gestures made the nightmares rarer but they were still present and I hated waking up alone in the darkness. The dream would always be the same. He mocked my naivety and laughed at me for trusting him. In the beginning, he would always try to hurt me physically, but that part of my dreams had disappeared in time. I tried to remember the exact moment I had stopped fearing his physical retaliation but I couldn’t figure it out. The only thing I knew was that, with every passing day, I was becoming less anxious in Sebastian’s presence. The apprehension that he might be manipulating me still didn’t leave my system, but despite that possibility, I couldn’t deny that he was trying hard to make things better between us.

He respected my limits and slowly built his way in, always trying to lessen my visible panic with his patience. After he had said he wanted to earn my trust, he demonstrated every day that he was seriously set on that mission. Beside his patient and compassionate demeanor, he was also spending a lot more time with me. Every morning, we had breakfast together and he would always try to make it home in time for dinner. He often insisted that we watch movies in the media room, sometimes until late hours in the night. Other than that, his constant obsession with following the etiquette had lessened as well. I knew that I had become closer with Annette more than Sebastian would have wished, but he didn’t protest or try to limit my time with her in any way. It felt as though he was giving up some of his control for no other reason than to make me happy.

The fear I’d once felt towards him had almost completely subsided because he honored his promise and never once tried to touch me or pressure me with anything. Instead, he seemed to be keen on learning things about me and getting to know me in deep layers. The biggest surprise of all was that he always tried to make me laugh and he succeeded at it. I knew that he consciously avoided serious conversations that needed to happen between us, but in reality, neither of us was ready for them yet. All I wanted was to block the past and the future for as long as I could because I wanted to live in the alluring present. Maybe I was delusional, but because of that attitude I hadn’t shed a single tear in days and it was liberating.

***

One evening, when we agreed to watch a movie together, Sebastian appeared in the media room and handed me the notebook I had lost in the garden weeks ago. My face reddened in shame. He had it all this time and didn’t say anything until now.

“Did you write this?” he asked in a soft, demanding voice.

I looked at him with caution, trying to guess what he was thinking.
Should I confess? Would he mock me for writing that story?
His posture was relaxed but his facial expression remained serious.

“Did you read it?” I decided to play it safe.

“I did,” he asserted without hesitation as if he thought he had done nothing wrong.

However, I thought that there was everything wrong with what he had done. In a way, this was a personal attack on my privacy because I’d never let anyone read my stories. Besides, I was aware that he disapproved of the books that I was reading and the story in his hands was nothing but a cheesy romance.
Or was it?
Discomfort washed over me when I remembered I had altered the plot of the story and turned it into something twisted and dark. The hero had hurt the heroine badly, betrayed her trust and then wanted to redeem himself. The irony wasn’t lost on me because I was well aware of the fact that I had been using that story as a getaway and a personal therapy for my marriage problems. My deepest thoughts and fears described into detail were hiding behind the covers of that notebook. Sebastian wasn’t a fool. If he had read it, he must have noticed the underlying content which had inspired me to write something that disturbing.

“How does it end?” he asked in a quiet voice, obviously convinced I had indeed been the one who wrote it.

“I don’t know yet,” I replied sincerely.

He smiled, revealing hidden layers of sadness and his eyes pierced through me, giving away that he knew what had inspired my writing. He handed me the notebook and sat beside me. I was desperately ashamed because one of the most critical people I knew read something that came straight from my heart. Imagining what he must have thought about the story made me even more nervous and even though his eyes were fixed on me, I stared at the floor.
Was I really that insecure that I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him?
The answer to my question was crystal clear when seconds, if not minutes went by, and my eyes still gazed at the hardwood floor. Sebastian smiled at me and gently lowered his hand on my shoulder. It had been weeks since he touched me in any way and that sudden, innocent contact sent goose bumps through my whole body. When he’d touched me before, I would always tremble from fear that he wanted to hurt me, but this feeling was different,
pleasant
.

“I think you’re really talented and I enjoyed the story.”

I looked at him in disbelief. The shock on my face as well as the fact that I didn’t believe him had to have been obvious because Sebastian burst in laughter.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend you like it,” I muttered with a polite smile.

He looked away and before I knew it, his emerald eyes stared directly into mine.

“I never pretend, Isabelle; especially when it comes to you.” He swallowed hard before continuing. “You shouldn’t doubt my sincerity because I don’t hand out compliments that easily, but when I do then I really mean it,” he spoke softly.

Helen’s words sprang into my mind.
“He’s infatuated by you.”
Could it be even partially true? It certainly felt like he cared about me, but was I something of consequential value to him? I wasn’t so sure.

“Thank you. It means a lot,” I replied at last.

He narrowed his eyes at me and scanned my face. He often did that when something about me puzzled him.

“What were your plans before you married me? What did you want to do with your life?”

His question took me off guard and thinking about all of the lost opportunities that would never cross my way again made me sad.

“I wanted to study English literature and write. I always dreamed that one day I would publish my own book.” I sealed the words with a nostalgic smile. “But that doesn’t matter anymore.” I shrugged.

“Why? It’s never too late to pursue your dreams,” he said with determination.

“I’ve kind of lost my drive,” I admitted in a quiet voice. “It was a silly dream to begin with. It’s not like I would have gotten that far from Rosemont anyway.”

“Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t. Who knows?! But the fact is that you’re miles away from Rosemont now and you’re living in one of the most prosperous cities in the world. I could help you find a publisher for your book. As a matter of fact, I’ve wanted to suggest that for a while now,” he said in his serious businessman voice.

My mouth fell open in surprise and Sebastian started laughing again. I loved to see him laugh because he looked so beautiful and harmless.

“I...I don’t know what to say.” I tried to defend my timid reaction to his suggestion.

He smiled at me and something sparked in his eyes. “Say yes,” he whispered.

I was excited and horrified at the same time. He wanted to help me, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take that step and publish something I’d written for everyone to read, yet. Hell, it wasn’t a step, it was a huge leap. The word
yes
danced at the tip of my tongue but I didn’t dare to say it.

“What are you thinking about? You already know the answer,” he encouraged me.

“Yes,” I said in the quietest whisper.

He chuckled. “Yes, you know the answer, or yes, you want me to help you publish your story?”

“Yes to both.” I smiled warmly.

“There is only one condition,” he said in a serious voice.

Looking at him with wariness, I wondered what he would ask of me for this favor.

“What condition?” I felt my face burning as if he had already said the words I was dreading.

A wide smile suddenly curled his lips and he shook his head because he figured out what was going through my mind. I hated myself for being so transparent and obvious.
Couldn’t I save myself from embarrassment at least once?

“I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I won’t ask you to sleep with me in exchange for my support. I’m not that big of an asshole.”

I didn’t think it was possible, but I felt a deeper shade of red settling on my cheeks as his green eyes glowed at me with an undecipherable emotion. Whatever it was, it sent tingles through my entire body. He hadn’t even touched me and I was reacting to his closeness, but not like before. This was completely different and the power of it scared me.

“What do you want then?” I asked in a small voice, looking away from him.

“I want a happy ending to the story. I think it’s only fair and they both deserve it after all the hardships they’ve been through.”

My eyes widened. “I don’t know if it’s possible. I don’t know if they could ever be happy together after everything that happened.”

“He had hurt her before, but he learned from his mistakes and he’s prepared to do anything to make things right between them,” he said in a soft, almost pleading voice.

A shiver of emotion ran through me. I didn’t know if I could keep playing this game. The threat of the past and the uncertainty of our future crushed my mind and I couldn’t pretend that all those painful things weren’t there anymore.

“Maybe... Maybe that’s not enough. Perhaps he had hurt her too much.”

He closed his eyes and remained silent for a while like he was gathering the courage to say something.

“Could she ever forgive him?” He asked in one breath.

I tensed up. I didn’t want to have this conversation.

“She wants to let it go, but it’s a lot harder than she thought.”

A flicker of pain flashed in his eyes and the feeling of regret settled in my chest.

“Do you want them to have a happy ending?” he asked like he was afraid of the answer.

I sighed and answered in a whisper. “I do. I want it from the bottom of my heart, but I don’t know how.”

He smiled at me, but the sadness was visible in his eyes. “Where there is a will, there is a way. We can find happiness, Isabelle,” he said in a firm tone, suddenly breaking the game we played with the fates of the characters in my book and making it painfully clear it was us we had been talking about all along.

“It’s hard to find happiness after being trapped in the dark for so long.” My shaky voice was sprinkled with notes of the hurt that remained.

Those green eyes froze on my face with such intensity like he was indeed infatuated by me.

“Someone as pure and innocent as you doesn’t deserve to be trapped in darkness,” he said in a flat voice that was suddenly hit by the gasped presence of a heavy emotion. “Angels shouldn’t cry or feel pain.”

Gazing at him, I remained silent because I didn’t know what to say. His words had touched the deepest part of my heart.

“But I’m not pure. I’m not innocent.” I looked at him with sheer sadness. “Sebastian, I’ll never be those things again.”

“Isabelle,” he looked at me with so much compassion that I thought I would break down right then and there, “losing your virginity has nothing to do with...”

“Please, don’t.” I had to interrupt him. “Sebastian, please. I c-can’t talk about it.” My cheeks burned from the embarrassment and I had to look away.

“Shh.” His fingers brushed against my lips. “It’s not your shame. It’s mine.” Fragile softness rang in his humble voice and I felt the unwanted tears burn in my eyes. He tilted up my chin and wiped them away. “They’re not your tears, they’re mine.” He kissed the wet spot on my face, looking at me like he would cry as well, but then he looked away, and when he looked back at me, the storm that threatened to spill from his eyes was gone. “You’re wrong, angel. Nothing I did to you on that black night could have tainted the purity of your heart or the innocence of your soul. I know you’re still hurting, but there is no pain that couldn’t be healed by love.”

Love.
I shivered at the very mention of the word, letting the current of fear as well as inexplicable excitement rush through me.

He kissed the top of my head and whispered to me. “Isabelle, we won’t be unhappy. I’ll give you the happy ending you always dreamed of. We’ll get there, I promise.”

“Sebastian,” I called his name, aching, and I sighed when he lifted up his head to confront me with the green light that suddenly pulled me towards him. “I... I don’t want to be in the dark anymore.”

“Let me pull you to the light, then.” His hand gently leaned against mine and I took hold of it strongly like I never wanted to let go. “Please, have a little faith and I’ll give you a hundred smiles for every tear I made you cry.”

But there were so many tears. Too many. I looked at him, offering a small, sad smile. “If you did that, I’d never stop smiling.”

He brought his lips an inch from my forehead and whispered to me before kissing it with the lightness of a summer breeze. “That’s the point, angel.”