Virtue & Vanity (25 page)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

As I sat in the plane waiting to be taken back to New York where I had nothing but bad memories and an empty life, I kept looking towards the gray, gloomy sky. It was raining and my eyes focused on one raindrop that traveled down the window. As much as I tried to maintain the emptiness of my mind because I was in a desperate need of emotional relief, I couldn’t block the thoughts that kept barging in. 

I glanced towards Sebastian who was preoccupied with conducting his business, but this time he was sitting next to me. We’d hardly spoken since our conversation the previous night, but he continued treating me with silent tenderness and when he looked at me, there was that same glow, reflecting the unmistakable regret in his eyes.

The engine of the plane started making noise which meant that soon we would be flying up in the air and the thought made me nervous. After my first time in a plane, I was convinced that I would be more relaxed the following times, but it turned out it was only getting worse and one thing was for sure—I hated flying.

While fidgeting in my seat, I fought not to seek Sebastian’s help, because I knew that he was a workaholic and nothing could keep him away from closing yet another business deal. The plane started taking off and instinctively, I looked towards him, wanting nothing more than for him to notice my discomfort, but the harsh words he told me that time I tore down the book shelf in the library rang in my ears as a warning. 
I don’t like to be interrupted while I’m working.
 As the sickening fear he’d made me feel back then returned to haunt me, I quickly looked away, praying that I’d manage to get through this without upsetting him, but when we experienced turbulence, I shuddered, wrapping my arms around myself and he noticed. Contrary to my expectation, he immediately closed his laptop and gave me his full attention. I’d never seen him discard of his obligations that easily and I couldn’t help feeling uneasy about it.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, insecure and avoiding his eyes because I didn’t want to see if they were filled with darkness again. I wanted to hold onto the memory of his tenderness for as long as I could.

“Why would you be sorry?” His voice was soft and inviting, instead of accusing like I expected.

“I... I didn’t mean to interrupt your work.”

“The well-being of my wife will always come before work, Isabelle. Don’t ever apologize for that again,” he reassured me and cupped my chin so that I would have to look at him.

His warm expression turned one shade lighter as I stared at him, wondering about the motives that drove him to do everything he had done lately. 
Why did he apologize after all this time, asking for my forgiveness like it meant the world to him?
 
Why did he say that he wanted to give our marriage a chance?
So many questions attacked my mind, but for some reason, I didn’t want to ruin the moment. I didn’t want to see that shade of light in his eyes fade away, so I swallowed the words I wanted to say. Softly, he removed the lock of hair from my face and held it between his fingers.

“Why don’t you go to sleep and I’ll wake you up when we arrive in New York?” he encouraged me in a quiet voice, caressing my face and I tried to focus on his touch, but I couldn’t go to sleep. There was too much on my mind.

“Sebastian...” I called his name and when I opened my eyes, he was looking at me expectantly as I contemplated on whether or not it was a good idea to say what I was about to say, but it was now or never. “I want to talk,” I demanded in a quiet voice and a knowing look graced his expression.

“What do you want to talk about?” he asked, wariness showing on his face.

“All those things you’ve said...” My heart started pounding in a fast rhythm as heat rose up to my cheeks, giving away how difficult it was for me to talk about it. “After all this time…”

“I know you’re confused, Isabelle. But I will make you understand that I’ve meant every word of it.” He observed me with silent admiration glaring from his eyes. “I want to work on our marriage,” he whispered.

His voice sounded so sincere but instead of putting my mind at ease, it only managed to deepen my doubts.

“But why... Why would someone like you want to have a real marriage with someone like me?” I saw his hand twitch and it was obvious that my question had caused him discomfort.

After moments of silence passed by and I patiently waited for him to gather his thoughts, he finally said something.

“Why wouldn’t someone like me want a real marriage with someone like you?” he asked in a tender voice, looking at me almost brokenly.

“Because we are two worlds apart. Because I will never fit in, no matter—”

“I think you’ve just answered your question,” he interrupted me. “There are very few good and uncorrupted things in my world. I’m glad you don’t fit in. I don’t want you to fit in.” There was fire in his eyes when he said that. 

As much as I pushed myself to understand, I just couldn’t.

“But nothing’s changed. I was the same girl b-before when you...” I trailed off, trying to brush off the feeling of fear and sadness that always lurked in the hidden depths of my mind.

“When I took something only you had the right to give to a man,” he finished my sentence as the attendant approached us with drinks and I blushed from the embarrassment, wondering if he had heard him, but to my horror Sebastian continued talking like he was completely unfazed by his presence. “I know that my apology came much too late, Isabelle, but I still hope...” He swallowed. “I hope you’ll think about everything I’ve said,” he whispered the last words like it was hard for him to say them.

The attendant, who poured our drinks while covertly listening to our conversation, glanced at me, entertained by our exchange and wondering what I would say.

“You’re here to serve drinks, not play agent Bond!” Sebastian cut him off with an abrupt remark and the man managed to put on an apologetic look on his face before quickly disappearing from our sight.

Perplexed, I looked at him, processing the exchange that had just happened before my eyes. Sebastian was extremely cold and cruel towards the waiter, showing arrogance that sent shivers down my spine, reminding me that I couldn’t trust him that easily. But the moment his eyes settled back on mine, the warmth was back, traces of the cold conceit from moments ago completely gone.

“How about we strike a deal?” he asked with caution.

“A deal? What... What kind of a deal?” I tried to figure out what was going through his mind. 

“We will try to get to know each other before deciding if our marriage can work out or not. What do you say?” The edge of his lips twisted in a smile.

“How are we going to get to know each other?”

His eyes lit up. “By spending time together,” he replied simply and shrugged. “By doing things that normal couples do.”

Normal couples. 
Alarm bells rang in my mind when I remembered our conversation about what a normal marriage should look like.

“What kind of things?” I observed him suspiciously because I still didn’t trust him. 

“Not the kind of things you have in mind,” he said in a reassuring voice and I looked away in shame. He gently cupped my face and turned it back towards him. ”Isabelle, those things are completely off the table for the time being, and to prove you that I mean it, I’ll move out of the master bedroom once we are home. We’ll take it one step at a time. No pressure, I promise,” he whispered softly.

“You mean we... we won’t have to sleep together anymore?” I was taken aback by his move
.

“You won’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or afraid. I want you to get to know me before we share any kind of intimacy again. I would never ask or take anything that you’re not willing to give.” Again, that was not at all what I expected to ever hear from him.

He said he wanted me to get to know him. But I already knew him. I knew him all too well and I was so sure he would never change. Now I didn’t know what to think anymore. There was only one thing I was absolutely sure of. 

“I’m afraid. I don’t... I don’t want you... to break me again.” I stared at him with sincerity as I barely whispered the words, remembering the pain I felt when he broke me the first time, and my eyes filled with tears, but not one of them escaped my eyes.

He touched my shoulder and then pulled me into his arms, kissing the top of my head. That was when I surrendered and felt a tear slide down my cheek as his voice provided me with hope and comfort.

“I won’t break you, 
angel
. I’ll take care of you. I’ll fix your broken wings. Just wait and you’ll see,” he whispered in my ears and goose bumps rose on my skin as I felt the breeze of his breath on my face. 

I closed my eyes, waiting to go back to New York; waiting to see if he would stay true to his word.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Twelve days. It had been twelve days since we returned from Las Vegas and Sebastian had stayed true to his word. He’d moved all of his things out of the master bedroom and we didn’t sleep together anymore. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it though. Never in a million years did I think I would say it, but I kind of missed his comfort when I woke up in the middle of the night after a bad dream. Deep down, I knew it was depraved to feel that way, because he was the cause of my nightmares. But then again, he was also the one who put me back together every time I’d wake up in sweat and fear. However, I didn’t miss the constant tension that was caused by his presence, so I had decided that dealing with the nightmares on my own might actually be good for me. Other than moving from our bedroom, Sebastian didn’t do any of the other things he talked about when we were in Las Vegas. As a matter of fact, I hadn’t seen him at all in the past ten days and I started to think he was avoiding me. I didn’t know how I felt about that either.

I was just getting ready to go to the library and find a nice book to read when I heard a knock on the door. A nervous twitch squeezed my chest because I was one hundred percent sure that Sebastian would barge in any second. I was surprised when nobody came inside.
Was he waiting for my permission to enter the room?
That would have been a first.

“Come in,” I said in a forcibly calm voice.

The door opened and I lifted up my head, convinced that I would see my husband but I was surprised when a young woman with blond hair entered my room. She was taken aback by my reaction, I could tell, but I had no idea what she was doing there. I waited for her to say something, but she seemed to be under some kind of pressure and she was blushing like she was ashamed of me, like I held some kind of authority over her. She wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. That was a first one too. Nobody in that house had ever treated me with such silent respect. Probably because they all knew my story and they had seen how Sebastian treated me, but this girl was different. 
Who was she?

“Can I help you with anything?” I asked with caution.

“I’m sorry. It’s my first day here.” She wiped her sweaty hand along her jeans before offering it to me.
Why was she so nervous? 
”I’m Annette, Teresa’s replacement. Anne told me I should check if I can help you with anything, madam. I’m sorry if I did something wrong.”

I felt pretty bad for that girl because I realized she was intimidated by me after being hired by Sebastian. She had to have thought I was the same strict, conceited control-freak like him. This girl didn’t have a clue about anything and I sort of liked that, although I was sure she would soon hear gossip about the true nature of my marriage. I smiled at her and we shook hands.

“I’m Isabelle. It’s nice to meet you.” I rolled my eyes in a playful manner. “Please don’t call me madam.”

I tried to act friendly towards her, because after all she was close to my age and I was excited about having someone like her around. She seemed to be normal and I craved normal. Sure, I had Anne and Helen around, but Anne had been so busy lately and weeks had gone by since Helen’s last visit. First impressions could be deceiving, but still, I kind of liked Annette at first sight. She didn’t know what to say and I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that nervous around me.

“I like your name. Anne probably thinks it’s funny. It’s kind of a longer version of her name.” I smiled, trying to break the ice.

“Actually, it’s short for Antoinette, madam.” She smiled for the first time and I could tell she relaxed a little. “My mother is a big fan of the French history so she gave me that name, but I prefer Annette.”

“Wow! That’s very interesting. Please, call me Isabelle.”

Her face expression turned serious again. She didn’t have to tell me. I knew what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, but Mr. Everett warned me to be professional with you. I’m not supposed to call you by your name.”

“Did Mr. Everett tell you why you shouldn’t do that?”

“Because you are his wife and you are to be treated with the utmost respect,” she said shyly.

How very convenient. He’d disrespected me so many times and whenever he’d felt like it, but he expected everyone else to treat me with the utmost respect. Somehow, I sensed that there was more than his sudden need to redeem himself behind this request. Clearly, he didn’t think it was appropriate for his wife to interact with the help and that’s why he had set up a barrier between us before I even got a chance to meet her. That made me sad because I became aware that nothing had changed.

“I know that he can be intimidating, but you don’t have to follow his strict rules when he’s not around. I promise I won’t say a word.”

I hoped she would relax, but she seemed to be very hesitant to accept my offer.

“Madam I honestly—”

“I think I’m going to call you Antoinette until you stop calling me madam.” I laughed a little because I noticed at once that she hated the idea.

“Madam, I would prefer if you called me Annette.”

“And I would like you to call me Isabelle.” I smiled. “But not when Sebastian’s around,” I whispered and chuckled at the thought of Sebastian’s facial expression when somebody disobeyed him. “What do you say Antoinette? Do we have a deal?”

“We have a deal, Isabelle.” We ended up laughing together and it felt good to be that carefree for once—even if it was only for a moment.

“I’m glad to hear that Annette.”

Instead of going to the library, I decided to stay and clean the room with Annette. Once she relaxed, we had a wonderful time together. I found out that she was only one year younger than me and she’d started working for Sebastian because she needed money for her school tuition. When I heard that she was studying English literature, I was glad we shared a common interest, but also immensely sad because I knew the chances that I would live up to that dream were slim. I couldn’t bring myself to answer her questions about my life. It was kind of selfish of me, because she shared all the information about herself despite the fact that we were practically strangers. It was too soon, too fresh. I couldn’t unleash my demons on somebody I’d known for less than two hours. I excused myself and headed for the library.

It was the only place in the house where I could relax and be myself. Running my fingers through the shelves that were filled with hundreds of books, had a therapeutic effect on me and having thousands of different worlds waiting to be discovered within the reach of my hand gave me a sense of tranquility. I wanted to tell Annette that she was more than welcome to borrow the books from the library but I wasn’t sure if I was okay with that. Again, I was being selfish because I felt like the library was my own private space where I could escape and hide into my imaginary world. Also, I didn’t feel like I had any rights in that house and I knew that Sebastian would have hated the idea that one of his employees had the opportunity to freely roam around the house and use any of his possessions. I knew he didn’t operate that way.

For the first time ever, I heard the muffled sound of the music echoing through the hallway and I was surprised because other than the few times when Sebastian played the piano, there was nothing but deadly silence lurking in the house. Somebody had turned on the surround sound system and music could be heard all around the house. Whoever dared to do it should have prayed that Sebastian wasn’t home, because he would flip about this. I had a feeling it was Annette, because only a person who didn’t know Sebastian would do something like that without his approval. I recognized the melody of a familiar song and sang along. The lyrics couldn’t have possibly been more taunting. '
No I don’t wanna fall in love with you.’ 
As I glanced around the shelf with classic romance novels and continued my duet with 
Chris Isaak
, I noticed 
Wuthering Heights.
 Excited, I picked it up from the shelf and started reading the summary even though I had already read the book. The song in the background was the perfect description of the love-hate relationship between Catherine and Heathcliff. 
'I never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you. And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you.’ 
Well, at least I had found something that would occupy me for the day.

The song ended with the last striking part 
'Nobody loves no one’
 and, unexpectedly, my book went flying to the floor when I turned around and saw my husband, standing by the aisle and staring at me. The shiny shade of green that still haunted my dreams returned to torture me. Gulping,
 
I looked past him because I was afraid to look at his emotionless expression. Cautiously, I leaned down to pick up the book, gathering the courage to stand up and face him. At first, my gaze was directed at the floor, but as I was slowly standing up, I took in his entire appearance. First, my eyes rested on his shiny, leather, expensive-looking shoes. Then his dark gray suit that fell perfectly along his Adonis body. There wasn’t even one wrinkled spot on his clothes. That alone was enough for him to earn the title of being a meticulous perfectionist. Finally, my eyes settled on his shiny bronze face and his cold gaze. It had been a long time since Vegas and his promises. Then I had seen pain and regret in his eyes, but now all of that was gone. He was back to being himself and I didn’t know what to expect or how to behave. I was wondering if his cruel darkness would emerge to the surface again.
 
I gazed at him with pure mistrust, and I dared to relax only when a slight smile appeared on his face. I drew in a breath, without even realizing that I had stopped breathing for a few moments because of him.

“I’m sorry.” He looked at me softly. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

At last, he had said something. Actually, he had just kind of apologized to me and it was weird. He wasn’t upset or angry. There wasn’t any darkness. There wasn’t any reason for me to fear him. This Sebastian didn’t want to humiliate me or hurt me. I didn’t know how to react to him.

“How long have you been here?” I made myself ask because the unbearable silence started making me anxious.

“For a while.” He snickered and I already knew that he had witnessed my little singing escapade.

Tiny beads of cold sweat appeared on my forehead when I realized that I had made a complete fool out of myself in front of him. “How... how did you...”

An inviting warm smile twisted his lips before I got a chance to put myself together and finish my question. “I figured that the library is the first place to look if I wanted to find you. Your love for literature didn’t go unnoticed.”

“I guess I’m really predictable.” I still stared at him warily.

“I beg to differ. So far, you’ve been nothing if not full of surprises,” he said in a mild voice, training his eyes on me like he would never look away. 

I blushed. I was blushing crimson red like a little girl, wondering why his simple words managed to have such a strong effect on me. I never knew how to accept a compliment and I’d never thought I’d see the day he would offer me one. I wasn’t even sure he meant it as a compliment. He dismissed my sudden change of character and approached me. I could tell he was observing my reaction to his presence. The blush from my face didn’t disappear, but I didn’t flinch away from him either. That had to have been the first time I didn’t feel threatened by him on any level. It was strange. It wasn’t what I was used to. He was close, but remained on a safe distance instead of taking up my personal space like before. That too, was strange.

“Isabelle?” His voice invited me back to reality.

Confused, I lifted up my head and faced him. “Huh?”

“I asked what you were reading. You seem to be lost in thought.”

He smiled again. It lasted as long as the flash of a camera, but it was there.
Sebastian smiled at me.

“Oh.” I parted my lips to draw in a breath and lifted the book. “Wuthering Heights.”

He glanced at the cover and then at me again. “Do you have any plans for tonight?”

Now that was a strange question. I never had any plans and he knew it. Instead of replying, I shook my head. I was a bit nervous to hear 
his
 plans for the evening.

“I would like to take you on a date,” he blurted out self–confidently and I gaped at him, surprised that he had proposed something so innocent, yet so milestone-changing for our relationship.

“You want to take me on... on a date?” A deep blush covered my face. I had never been on a date before. I felt so pathetic. He smiled like he sensed what I was thinking about and his eyes flickered with an emotion I couldn’t place.

“Yes.” He smiled warmly. “I would like to take you out. You’re spending way too much time inside. I thought that we could go to the movies. Helen told me you liked it when you went together.”

I remembered that day and the way it ended. When I came home I found him naked in our bedroom. That was the first time he was gentle with me. The first time he kind of tried to fight his demons and remedy the damage he had caused. That attempt hadn’t ended too well.

“Isabelle?” His voice made me snap out of my thoughts after I wandered off again.

I looked at him with vivid caution, trying to keep the demons of the past at bay.