Vice (13 page)

Her heart pounded at the thought she’d satisfied him. More than satisfied, she dared to hope, when she felt how he lifted off her with another series of shudders. She couldn’t move. She remained bent over the dresser, her ass in the air, her eyes closed.

Liam laughed and slapped her ass as he headed to the bathroom. “Too worn out to move?”

“Too worn out to breathe.”

Soon he’d returned and stroked her bottom. “Careful, Kate. If you keep showing me that pretty ass, I might take advantage of the view.” He crouched and bit her on her right cheek.

“Ow!”

Liam laughed. “I warned you.” He put his hands on her shoulders and gently pulled her up into his embrace. He ran a hand over her sweaty brow and pushed aside her messy hairs. Then he just looked at her, his gaze full of an emotion she couldn’t quite decipher.

They stared at each other. She began to regret not doing it in bed. In bed, it would have been natural to turn to each other and cuddle. But here, in front of a dresser? What were they supposed to do? Should she ask him to climb into bed with her? It was still early and he probably worked late. Was he anxious to leave? She didn’t quite understand the post-coitus protocol in this situation. She doubted such a protocol even existed in their case.

“So,” she said. She was at a loss for words, only knowing she didn’t want him to go.

He brushed his fingers against her face, grazing the area under her bruise, more soft and intimate than any old touch on the cheek. One look, one caress, from this man and she was mush.

“It’s okay,” he said. “You don’t have to say anything. Just feel.” And like that, he enfolded her in a big bear hug.

Feel. Damn, it seemed all she did was feel around this man. She felt anger, guilt, raging desire. She’d never felt so much for anyone in such a short time and was pretty sure most of it was wrong.

Her eyes began to itch but she blinked the burn away. He released her, kissed her forehead and walked into the bathroom, returning with two complimentary bathrobes. He placed one around her shoulders and slid into the other one. She immediately lamented losing sight of that amazing body but told herself it was better this way. Too much naked Liam made Kate a crazy girl.

He motioned to the bed, then sat. “Sit with me.”

She nodded, glad he was taking the lead. She sat next to him, cross-legged. He watched her tuck her legs under her and a small smile crept onto his face.

“I like you, Kate. It’s been a long time since I’ve smiled like this.”

A thousand butterflies took flight in her belly. “I’m glad you’re smiling. You deserve it.” She played with the rumpled bed covers, smoothing the fabric between her fingers. “You said you were starting to reconsider suing for Michelle’s custody.”

His smile disappeared. “I don’t know. She’s so little. I just wish I could explain to her that I’m not abandoning her. She won’t remember why I left. All she’ll know is I’m gone.”

He said the last word with such vehemence, she made a horrible realization. Someone important must have abandoned him. The idea bothered her so much she had to know if it was true. “Who abandoned you?”

His head snapped up, his expression now cold. “No one.”

“I think we both know that’s not true.”

He shook his head, but said nothing.

“Liam, I can see you’re hurting. And it’s about more than just Michelle.”

“You’re wrong.”

“There’s no shame in talking about it.”

“How very New Horizons of you.”

“Well, the program has its merits. They helped me. Let me help you.”

“Kate,” he groaned, running his hand through his hair in exasperation. “We’re having a nice moment here. Why ruin it with needless talk?”

Needless talk? Boy, she knew she was stubborn, but he took the cake. “Liam, you told me you were ready to hit rock bottom. You can’t do it unless you open yourself up.”

He glared at the sheets. “Maybe this rock bottom thing isn’t such a good idea.”

“Liam…”

“Look, it’s not important.”

“You’re important.”

He stood up and gathered his clothes, frowning as if he didn’t quite believe her. “I don’t know why you’re fishing for information. You want me to tell you I had a hard life? Fine, I had a hard life. Yeah, it’s pretty sweet now but I had to work for it. I worked my ass off for it.”

“I’m not disputing that.”

He looked at the bunched up suit in his hands. “I know what you think. Nice clothes. Nice career. Fancy cars. Oh, and women. Lots of women, if I so desire. And you’re right. I can have all of it, if and when I want it.”

Ouch. She had a sneaking suspicion he’d said that to wound her. Mission accomplished. “How very nice for you.”

“It’s fucking awesome.” He twisted his hand in the wad of designer clothing. “So I don’t need you playing shrink, getting me to admit my deepest, darkest fears, and expect some kind of breakthrough. That shit only happens on TV.”

Kate was dumbstruck. What had happened? He’d turned on a dime, and all because she’d tried to help the man who’d helped her.

Yet she couldn’t help feeling he was pushing her away on purpose. She’d struck a nerve, and it made him scared. So did she let him walk away, or did she continue to probe?

Well, she’d never been the sort to accept defeat. She wouldn’t now.

She hauled her body out of the bed, ran to the door and blocked it.

“Get out of the way, Kate.”

“No.”

“I mean it.”

“No. You are going to stay here and you are going to tell me what happened to you. And I don’t mean the bullshit you’d find on a press release. I mean the real you.” She put a hand on his chest. “The real Liam.”

He stared at her, his face drawn and sad. Then he laughed in such a way her blood ran cold. Once again, he resembled the man Bridget had described, the man who got off on punishing others.

“You don’t ever wanna meet the real Liam. Trust me. Now move out of the way, Kate.”

“No,” she said, quiet but firm. “You’re trying to push me away to see if I’ll come running after you. Well, here I am. Running. What happened in the bedroom felt real. It wasn’t some random fuck. And I know you felt it, too. When you looked at me in the mirror, I felt…centered and scared all at once. I don’t understand any of it, but there it is.”

He made no response, but stared at her robe.

“Dammit, Liam. I shared my soul with you! How dare you take that and try to walk away? I know you’re in pain, so let me be here for you. Please.”

His chest rose and fell and he gave it a vigorous rub.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Then talk to me. I’m not going anywhere.”

After what felt like an eternity, he let his hand drop. She swore she saw wild barrens in his cold eyes as they bore into her, could almost feel frostbite nipping at her fingers and toes.

He grabbed one of her hands, turned it over and kissed her palm. “You won’t like what you hear.”

“Maybe not, but I can take it. Now sit down, Doyle, or I’ll smack your sweet ass.”

He cocked a brow at her, the first hint of anything less than quiet fury. He might be ready to talk, but she didn’t trust that he would. Even still, he walked back into the bedroom, sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him. “You asked for it.”

She stared at him, almost afraid of what he would say next. What had the world done to him? She was terrified to know, as much as she needed to hear it.

Her heart pounded madly as she joined him in the bedroom.

Chapter Ten

As Kate plopped down on the bed next to him, smelling of flowers, sweat and of him, Liam fought the urge to take her once again. She made him forget himself, and at the same time she forced him to remember.

Who abandoned you?
She probably had no clue she’d hit the nail on the head with that question. And dammit, she deserved an answer.

But could she handle it? All of it?

He wasn’t quite sure how to explain. After all, he’d never shared the truth with anyone other than the social services worker who’d followed his case so long ago.

He’d been able to bury the pain, to ignore it, at least most of the time. But since meeting Kate, the old demons seemed to want to take another stab at him. Every time his heart galloped unsteadily, he knew suppressing those feelings wasn’t working anymore.

As if to prove the point, a sharp pain stabbed at him. He sucked in a breath and fought the urge to clutch his chest. It’s just stress, nothing more. Stress can be controlled.

Kate touched his face. “Liam? I’m here for you.”

His eyes were burning. Shit, that was a new feeling. He really didn’t want to blubber in front of Kate. He took a deep breath. “Okay. When I was a kid, I lost everything, everyone, who meant anything to me. That’s why I’ve been fighting so hard for Michelle. I didn’t want her to go through the same thing.”

Kate crossed her legs and her robe fell open, exposing her calves. Liam stroked them, wishing he could lose himself in her body again and forget the past for a few minutes longer.

I never wanted you. And now it’s time for me to have my own family. Liam, you’re just not part of it. You never were.

The voice of his stepmother made him want to spit. He must have made a face because Kate leaned in and kissed the side of his mouth, soft yet urgent, as if wanting to take his pain away.

“Tell me.”

“My mom died when I was five. We were at home, having lunch. I remember she made us ham sandwiches. I have trouble picturing her face sometimes, but I can still see those damn sandwiches.” He paused, unable to recall the exact shape of her eyes. “I was sitting with her at the table when she began to make strange noises.” This much he did remember, as if it was yesterday. “My mom started to choke in front of me and I was too young to help her.”

Kate’s hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, no.”

“I thought everyone would blame me. Of course, no one did. I was just a kid, but even at that age, a part of me felt responsible.”

“You couldn’t have helped her. You must know that.”

“I do know it. My dad explained later that she’d had an aneurism. But for a long time, I told myself I should have been able to save her, only to find out there’s no way I could have.” He closed his eyes for a second, recalling the terror that kept him up for so many nights afterward. “An aneurism. Just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. How do you possibly fight something like that?”

“No one would have expected you to do anything.”

“I know. My dad said the same thing, but he was also struggling. Her death changed him. He sort of lost interest in parenting. I got put in front of the TV a lot, read thousands of comic books. He still took me to school, helped me with my homework, but I could see his heart wasn’t in it.”

“He was grieving.”

“Of course. And that’s why I was happy when he started dating a couple of years later. Kids can be smart. They may not have all the details, but they know what’s going on. And I wanted my happy-go-lucky dad back. It’s funny, some kids get scared when their dads bring home a stepmom, but not me. I was excited to meet Shauna. I missed having a mom and I really hoped she’d like me.”

Kate frowned. She could no doubt see where this was going.

Liam chuckled. “Oh, it wasn’t obvious at first, but like I said, kids soon figure things out. Shauna was just, well,
prickly
when I met her. Maybe it was nerves, I don’t know, but she didn’t give me the warm and fuzzies.”

“How old were you then?”

“Nine.” He rolled his shoulders, trying to release the tension in his neck. “She was a beautiful woman, sophisticated and elegant. So different from how I remembered my mom. My mother was beautiful too, but in a homey way, you know? Comfortable. She wasn’t concerned about the latest fashions. She was just happy being a mom and a wife.”

Kate nodded her understanding.

“But Shauna wanted to be wined and dined and didn’t really make an effort to hang around me. I could tell she wished my dad hadn’t had a kid. And I guess he was so taken with her he didn’t notice how frosty she was to me. I was sent to a lot of babysitters. I remember sitting in other people’s houses, wishing I could be at dinner with them. Wishing she wanted me.”

Kate reached over and caressed his thigh under his robe. Her fingers, so cool and soft, felt wonderful on his warm skin.

“Anyway, they got married. I remember overhearing a conversation as they were planning the wedding. Shauna didn’t want me there. She said she didn’t want any kids at the reception, but I knew it was just me she wanted out of the picture.”

“Why?”

“She never said, at least not to me. Maybe she was threatened at having her predecessor’s son around. Maybe she felt my presence diminished her place in the family, or that she’d never have complete influence over my father because of me. She was the sort of person who needed that, to have some kind of control over another person.”

“That’s awful. How could anyone behave like that to a child?”

“People do all sorts of terrible things to children. Look at Andy, leaving Michelle and her mom before she was even born.”

Kate nodded.

“Anyway, my dad insisted on me coming to the wedding, but by that point, I didn’t even want to be there. I was the ring bearer. I remember feeling tempted to drop the rings down the toilet.”

“I can’t blame you there.”

“Well, I didn’t. They went on a long honeymoon, and I was sent to stay with the elderly neighbor next door, an old friend of my mom’s. The next couple of years were a blur of sports practices that Shauna never attended, school concerts that only my Dad came to see, you get the picture.”

“Was your dad happy?”

“I think so, for the most part. And after a while, he got sick. A heart condition. He spent a bit of time in the hospital.”

Kate’s face darkened. “Liam…”

“He died of a heart attack when I was thirteen. And so I was left with Shauna, the woman who never wanted me in the first place.”

She grabbed his hand, squeezing, her face contorted with clear pain.

His bitterness manifested in a sour smile. “To her credit, she did house me for a year. She was never cruel, just indifferent. But to a kid that’s worse. We just existed together, did our own things. But deep down, I wanted her to hug me and tell me she was glad I was in her life. I wanted her to accept me as her own.”

“And you never got that.”

He shook his head. “But she put a roof over my head for twelve months, even though I spent that year wondering when she’d grow tired of me. I suppose she kept me that long because she felt guilty, and I know she did love my dad. But at the end of that year, she met a man. A wealthy man. He wanted to marry her, but he didn’t want another man’s moping kid in his house.”

Liam spotted a tear fall from Kate’s eye. He wiped it away for her, hating the fact that she felt pain on his account. He leaned in and kissed the trail left from her tears.

“Anyway, it gave Shauna the push she needed. One day, she pulled me out of school and told me my bags were already in her car. She drove me to Aunt Margaret’s, a distant relative of my dad’s who I didn’t know very well, and told me that I wouldn’t see her again.”

“What did you do?”

Liam bit his lip. Since the day Shauna left, he hadn’t wasted a tear on her. But now they fell, and he wanted to slap at the wet tracks on his cheeks, hating this display of weakness. “I begged her to keep me. She was the only parent I had left. I promised to be good, told her I could be a good son to her. That I’d make her proud. She said, ‘Liam, you were never my son. I never wanted you. Now I have a chance to build my own family and you’re not part of it.’”

Kate pulled him into her arms, and he rested his head on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“I felt like my world was over. I’d already felt abandoned because of my parents’ deaths. But this woman, who should have been a mother to me, chose to abandon me. She told me to get the fuck out of her life and never looked back. And I was left with an old woman, who despite her good intentions, had health issues and her own concerns. She only took me in because I was blood, but we were basically strangers. We did grow closer, but it took time, and God knows I added to her stress. Then Aunt Margaret died by the time I got out of high school. Leaving me alone. Again.”

She looked at him, her mouth open, unbelieving.

“When she sent me to stay with Margaret, I was so angry. Shauna had made all the decisions for me and I hated the choices she made. So I made one for myself after she left. I ran away from Margaret’s house and stayed away for a month.”

“Where did you go?”

Liam swallowed hard. He’d already shared more than he’d shared with anyone. Could he tell her everything?

No.

“Liam?”

“I was homeless.”

Kate’s mouth fell open, as if she couldn’t believe the story got worse. He was right. He couldn’t tell her everything. He’d only scratched the surface of his tale and she was already in bits.

“What happened?”

“Look, all you need to know is I straightened myself out. As much as I didn’t want to hang around with an old lady, I realized that it was better than being on the streets. I went back to Margaret’s place and things got better. Let’s just say the streets of Vegas are no place for a kid.”

“Liam.” The word came out as a broken cry.

“Kate, I’ve spent the better part of my life feeling alone and unwanted. Do you understand why I don’t want Michelle to feel like I walked out on her?”

She nodded. “I do. But don’t you ever equate yourself with that woman. Your motives are good, and Shauna was an evil douchebag.”

Despite his tears, he broke into laughter. “Thanks for saying that. Maybe it’s not quite accurate, but it helps to hear.”

“I hate what she did to you.”

“I suppose I don’t blame her. I mean, I wasn’t really her kid.”

She shook her head. “Anyone with half a heart would have done the right thing and kept you. It was her loss. She missed out on something special.”

As she cried, he choked back his own tears and took her in his arms. She climbed onto his lap and he held her, stroking her hair and back. As much as he’d hated reliving his past, he felt better now, knowing Kate understood.

God help him, he was falling for this woman. She smashed his barriers and tore down his walls. She’d commandeered his heart with a few words of kindness, and shone light on a very dark corner of his life. He would always be grateful for it, and would gladly do the same for her.

“What happened to you, on the streets?”

He hadn’t allowed those memories in for a long time. He could almost convince himself someone else lived them. “Forget I mentioned it.”

“How can you say that? I won’t forget it.”

“It’s done. I learned from it. That’s all that matters.”

Her sigh told him she wasn’t done with the topic, but would let it go for now. Well, he’d deal with her questions as they came.

“Did you ever see Shauna again?”

“Only once,” Liam said quietly. “In my early twenties. I was back on track, done with college and apprenticed at a building firm. I got a call from a lawyer one day, telling me Shauna was in poor health, cancer, and that she wanted to see me.”

She looked up. “Did you go?”

“I wanted to tell him to fuck himself and to give her the same message. But I guess I was curious. What could she possibly want with me? As much as I despised her, I knew it would always bother me if I didn’t go. So I swallowed my feelings and visited her.” He closed his eyes for a moment as he remembered the scene. “It was strange to see her, looking so small, in a hospital gown. She’d always been a stunner before. When she saw me, she began to cry. Nothing surprised me more than to learn the ice queen had emotions after all.”

“What did she say?”

“She apologized. Told me God had cursed her for her cruelty by making her barren. She never had that family she wanted so badly. And after a few years of trying, her wealthy husband paid her off and divorced her.” He took a few deep breaths. “Shauna handed me a fat envelope filled with money. Said it was her divorce settlement, that she’d never touched it. She wanted me to have it. Because she hadn’t supported me in life, she wanted to die knowing she was finally supporting me.”

“That’s amazing.”

“No, it’s awful, Kate. Because you know what I did? I took it! I took her blood money and I left. I invested it, and the next year I began plans for my first casino. Shauna’s money paid for my business. And I think I’ve been sick about it ever since.”

Waves of nausea and guilt poured over him. For a moment, Liam thought he’d have to toss Kate onto the bed so he could run into the bathroom and hurl his self-loathing into the bowl. He bit back his feelings, as he’d been doing so effectively for years, and managed to keep it all down.

He must have still looked sick because Kate ran her hand up and down his back, rubbing and soothing his muscles. Perfect. The idea of her seeing him at his worst was as appealing as a vomit popsicle.

Kate massaged the top of his shoulder. “Liam, you did nothing wrong in accepting the money. She wanted to make amends, and I guess it was the only way she could do so.”

“Some days I feel like my business is built on a foundation of shame.”

“It’s not. You built up your business. You are the success behind it, no one else. Plenty of people in your shoes would have climbed into a hole and died. But you turned your life around, Liam Doyle. You became a success. You should be proud.”

He grinned, no longer feeling like a helpless kid. “You know the reason I decided to build casinos is because of the money they make. I wanted to know that if I ever had a family, they’d want for nothing. So I studied the competition and recognized a lot of gaps in the market. I tailored my properties to cater to those gaps. Now I can’t keep people away. But does it make me happy? I don’t know anymore.”