Vengeful Shadows (30 page)

She’d followed when they’d moved him to a private room, watching as he’d slept fitfully. Her heart had nearly stopped when he’d thrashed and cried out her name in his drugged sleep. Though she’d vowed not to let him know of her presence, she’d soothed him, whispering reassurances.

At some point, she’d fallen asleep.

She awoke to the sensation of Zander’s fingers in her hair. Slowly, she raised her head to meet his gaze. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. She poured a cup of water and held it to his lips. He swallowed several times before his eyes closed again.

“Love you,” he rasped before falling into another deep sleep.

He didn’t. Not really. The ache in her chest intensified. She swiped at the tears coursing over her cheeks while she drank in the sight of him—still pale, still healing but alive. He’d survived.

She waited until the unit’s doctor made his rounds. He confirmed her hopes. Zander was on the mend. Relief washed over her, and she knew she could leave him to the life he deserved. Someday, he’d find a woman he truly loved. Someone without a past to burden them both.

She glanced at Zander once more before she ran for the elevator.

* * * *

Forty-eight hours later, Tessa stacked the fourth box of books by the door, next to dishes. She planned to be gone before the hospital released Zander. She probably had a few days leeway, but she wasn’t taking any chances. She couldn’t stay in this apartment, knowing he’d be right next door.

Susan and Cat had offered to let her live with them until she found a place, but Tessa figured she’d brought them more than enough pain for a lifetime. She wasn’t about to impose on them, too. Annie would put her up, but the strain of having a houseguest who rocked back and forth in a corner, muttering unintelligibly, was too much to ask. Tessa was better off renting a generic shoebox in an equally generic complex.

She’d miss the cozy charm of this place. With Zander, it had felt like home. Well, it had until Detective Duritz had found all of the recording devices and cameras Edward had planted. Using his extensive electronics knowledge, he’d installed them in every room—airshafts, heating ducts, light fixtures—they were everywhere. She shivered again at the thought of him watching everything.

After Edward’s apprehension, Kayla and Emily had identified him as their assailant. Tessa couldn’t stop the stabbing guilt that ripped at her heart. They’d been hurt because he’d been toying with her.

He’d also committed murder to get access to her apartment, killing the furnace repairman the landlady had called. Of course, Edward had tampered with the furnace in the first place. After he’d made copies of the apartment keys, he’d installed the surveillance equipment and dumped the other man’s body and the van. At his arraignment, he’d decided he wasn’t going down alone. He’d given up the names of the accomplices who’d assisted with monitoring the recording devices and canceling Tessa’s phone.

Duritz had also informed her that Weston faced new sexual misconduct charges. An intern at Tessa’s father’s firm had filed harassment charges, and she refused to settle. Though Tessa could no longer prosecute for her rape, she could still offer to testify as to Weston’s character on the intern’s behalf. It wouldn’t be retribution, but it would be a sense of closure.

She caught a glimpse of her bruised face in the hallway mirror. She didn’t look much different than she had after Weston had hit her, but some things had changed. She’d gained some wisdom from this nightmare. She’d achieved resolution over the sense of shame that had troubled her for the last ten years. She’d realized she’d done what she needed to do to survive, to take control of her life. They hadn’t been the healthiest decisions she could have made but she wouldn’t be the person she was today without those experiences. She had as much closure as she could hope for. There would be none where Zander was concerned. Instead, she’d have a gaping hole where her heart had been.

In her mind, she still heard Zander’s rusty whisper, saying he loved her. She wished it was true, but it wasn’t. She may have regained her sense of self-worth, but it didn’t change the truth.

Now that the danger had passed, he’d realize that what he’d thought was love had been the intensity of the situation. The need to keep her from suffering Julia’s fate. Of course, Julia hadn’t almost gotten him killed.

Tessa swallowed past the lump that filled her throat. Zander had nearly sacrificed his life for her. Sacrificing her happiness so he could find his own wasn’t too much to ask.

Sighing, she dragged her suitcases from her closet and opened them on the bed. Clean clothes in one, dirty in the other. She scooped up an armload from the floor and stopped. Zander’s sweater. She’d stripped it from him one of the times they’d made love.

An ache spread through her middle. Unable to control the impulse, she brought the garment to her face and inhaled the faint scent of spice and Zander. The ache intensified, and she hugged the sweater to her chest, debating on whether or not she should keep it. She could see herself, a pathetic old spinster, sleeping with it clutched in her arms every night.

Folding the sweater, she laid it on the bed. She couldn’t keep it. She didn’t need a physical reminder of what she’d lost. She’d have the constant ache of loneliness for the rest of her life. In healing her soul, Zander had broken her heart.

* * * *

“Okay, Superman. We’re here,” Aidan said.

Zander stared out the car window at the house he’d shared with Tessa for the last two years. As desperate as he was to see her, he felt the cold grip of fear. Not the same kind of fear he’d experienced when that bastard had held a gun to Tessa’s head but fear nonetheless. He couldn’t imagine the rest of his life without her, but that was a distinct possibility if she refused to trust him.

He’d lost track of the number of times he’d called her from the hospital, leaving message after message, none of which she’d returned. He didn’t understand why she’d avoid him. He’d heard her say she loved him. Of course, he had been a little busy heading toward the light, but he was sure he hadn’t imagined it. No matter what she’d said then, he needed to know how she felt now. He needed an explanation for the pain her absence caused.

Looking at the angel pendant clutched in his hand, he vowed to win her trust no matter what. He needed Tessa with him.

Shifting, he opened the door and winced as the stitches pulled. He smiled grimly. His soul ached more than his body.

He pulled himself from the car, scowling at Aidan who already stood nearby to help him. “I’m not an invalid.”

“You were shot two days ago. Deal with it.”

Ignoring his friend as best he could, he pulled himself up the stairs to the only place he wanted to be. He paused outside her door and considered knocking but decided against it. Instead, he used the spare key she’d given him ages ago.

The floor creaked as he made his way through the empty apartment to her bedroom. She whirled to face him, an empty dresser drawer held in front of her as if it were a shield.

Glancing around, he took in the sight of half-filled suitcases and boxes. “I trust you’re packing your stuff to move it into my place.”

The moment of shock passed, and she rounded on him. “Why are you out of the hospital? Are you trying to kill yourself?”

Aidan crossed his arms and glared at Zander. “It’s good to see one of you has some sense.” He glanced at Tessa. “He checked himself out against his doctor’s advice. Said he was afraid you’d take off before he could talk to you.” He looked pointedly around the room before meeting her eyes.

She pressed her lips together, her cheeks flushed, but she held his gaze.

Zander stepped gingerly toward her. Rage flared fiercely to life at the sight of the damage on her face. He wanted to pummel the bastard who’d done this to her, but even more than that, he wanted her safe and secure in his arms.

“Angel,” he murmured.

“Don’t move.” Her voice strained as if her throat was raw. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

Tessa took several hesitant steps toward him. Pain radiated from her eyes. The brilliant light that usually shone there was gone. In its place was nothing more than flat emptiness.

Dread settled in his gut.

“Go away, Aidan” Zander said, without looking back at the other man. “I survived the trip. I don’t plan to keel over now.”

Tessa glanced around the room. Sighing, she pushed the suitcases off the bed. “Sit down before you fall down.”

She settled Zander against the headboard and turned to Aidan. “We’ll call if we need you. Please lock the front door on your way out.”

The barest hint of a smile curved Aidan’s lips. “The doctor said absolutely no strenuous activity for the next few weeks. So behave yourselves.”

When she heard the locks catch, she faced Zander, swiping at tears and backing away.

He held out his arms. “Come here where I can touch you.”

She shook her head so rapidly he thought he might have imagined it, until she spoke. “I can’t.”

Grimacing, he shifted his legs off the bed.

“Stop!” she cried. “I don’t want you hurt worse.”

It wasn’t fair to use her concern against her, but damn it, he wasn’t above exploiting it to his advantage. He wouldn’t let her walk away from what they’d shared.

With quick strides, she crossed the miles of floor, stopping to linger in front of him. She looked as if she were a fawn ready to bolt.

Slowly, he raised his hand and drew her to his side. Ignoring the pain radiating from his chest and shoulder, he put his arms around her. He buried his face in her hair and inhaled deeply, breathing in her soft scent. The tension seeped from his muscles.

Tessa was safe.

He skimmed his fingers over the broken and discolored skin of her face, and his gut twisted. “I wish I could have reached you sooner.”

“I haven’t thanked you yet.” She picked nervously at the hem of her shirt. “For coming after Cat and me. I’m so sorry you got dragged into this whole thing.” Her hand hovered above his injuries.

For a moment, she met his gaze, and he lost himself in the sadness that clouded her eyes.

Reaching for her hand, he pulled it to him. “I didn’t get dragged into anything. I made a choice.”

He leaned to kiss her, but she pulled her hand away, taking all the warmth in the room with her.

“What’s going on, Tess?”

She took a shuddering breath. “I can’t do this.” Standing abruptly, she paced to the window.

She wrapped her arms around her middle, looking more vulnerable than he’d ever seen her. Even when she’d told him about her rape and her response to it, she’d never seemed this fragile and lost.

“What are you trying to say?” he asked.

“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I can’t be with you. We don’t belong together.”

Unexpected pain crushed the air from his lungs. “What are you talking about? You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

She shook her head. The dying sunlight bled through the window behind her, haloing his angel of grief. “You deserve someone else. Someone you truly love,” she whispered brokenly.

What the hell did she mean, someone he truly loved? Anger flared in his chest. “Do you love me?”

“It doesn’t matter.” She swiped at her tears.

“The hell it doesn’t.” He tightened his fist around the necklace he still held, not caring that it bit into his flesh.

“I know how much you’ve done for me.” The words were torn from her on a sob. “I’ll find a way to make it up to you.”

“Damn it, Tessa. I don’t want you to make it up to me. I want you. I love you.”

She refused to look at him. “You saved me already. I made it out because of you. Someday, you’ll realize that what you thought was love was the need to keep history from repeating itself. This is about Julia, not me.”

He paused. How could she possibly think this was about Julia? “It’s about us. Jesus, Tess!” he exploded. Had Weston entirely destroyed her sense of self-worth? “Is this about how you handled your assault? You think you’re not worthy because of that?”

She met his gaze. “I used to think that, but I realized that I’m more than my past.”

He tightened his fists on her bedding. “Then why can’t—won’t—you believe the same of me? There’s more to me than the fact that my sister-in-law was murdered.”

He patted the mattress. “Come sit by me.”

When she didn’t move, he began to push himself off the bed.

She threw her hands up in front of her as if she could keep him still by sheer force of will. “Okay. Okay. Stop moving.” Cautiously, she sat at his side, careful not to jostle him.

“I’m not going to break.”

She caught her breath at his words. She’d uttered them the last time they’d been in this bed together, when she’d welcomed him into her body and heart.

He grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips. “I’m here because I love you,” he began. “I’m here because a life without you in it isn’t anything I want to contemplate.”

She opened her mouth, but he laid his fingers across her lips. “Let me finish.”

She pressed her lips together, as if trying desperately not to interrupt. Emotions churned through her eyes, though she tried to mask them. He was done letting her hide.

“This isn’t about Julia,” he continued. “It’s about you and the fact that I love you. Yes, I was terrified at the thought of something happening to you, but I’ve been crazy about you since I met you.”

She swallowed audibly, shaking her head, sitting motionless as if captured by his gaze.

“I used to think you deserved someone better than me.” He shoved his hand through his hair. “Hell, you probably do.” He grinned but sobered quickly. “I don’t care about your past. It’s part of you. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Hope flickered in her eyes. Her tentative trust twisted his heart.

“I wish you’d never had to suffer through that hell, but it doesn’t affect how I feel. I love who you are.”

She closed her eyes, wanting to believe so intensely it hurt him to watch her struggle. He brushed the tears off her cheek with the pad of his thumb, and she met his gaze.