Veil of Scars (8 page)

Keys jingled in the door, and I squinted at the kitchen clock. It was two hours before Sam was due out of class. Neither of us moved as Sam came in glancing at us. Char looked back at the clock then at him as he came over to take a seat on the chair.

"What are you watching?"

She sat up a little. I had no idea what was going on, but a look passed between them.

"Why are you home so early?"

"I wasn't feeling well so I didn't go to class," he said and slumped back.

"That sucks, man. Want us to start the movie over?" I asked.

"What's wrong with you?" Char was stern. Different from how she usually was as the caretaker when Sam was sick.

"I have a stomachache." Guilt was written in his face.

I felt like I was missing some bigger picture.

"Maybe you should go lay down then." She set her jaw and turned away from him in a dramatic gesture, curling back into my arms.

I felt Sam's eyes on us, and a nervous pit settled into my stomach. "Want to come sit with us?"

"No, I'll go lie down..."

****

The next few days passed in much the same way. I walked into hushed fights and looks that I couldn't understand. Neither of them would talk about what was going on, and I came to realize that I was the fissure in Sam and Charlie's relationship that was going to split them apart. Sam started sleeping on the couch. Charlie would go to their room and close the door. I felt like I couldn't face either of them, so I started studying in my room with the door closed.

It was past two on Friday morning, Sam had gone out drinking, which spelled trouble, while Charlie had been at some volunteer event, had come home and gone straight to bed. I felt like becoming closer through sex had pushed a wedge between us. We didn't even have the friendship our relationship was based on.

I flipped my books closed and rubbed at my eyes. I hadn't absorbed any of the information I usually took in with ease. My mind was a muddled mess of what to do about the situation at hand. I pushed out of my chair and opened my door, going to the fridge to grab a beer. Maybe it would help stop my brain and make me pass out. I cracked it open, the hissing sound as the tab popped bringing back so many memories. I'd hated alcohol for so long, but then something had flipped, and it turned into an escape for me, too.

A door closing drew me out of my mind, and I looked up to meet Sam's eyes.

"Hey," he said softly, dropping his keys into the handmade bowl by the door.

I gave him a half smile, still unable to un-love him. Even after all the hell my mind had been through in the last few days, he was still my everything, my big shining knight. I could tell he was buzzed by his swagger walking over to me. He didn't stop until he was in my face, hands on the counter on either side of my hips. Dipping his head, he brushed his lips over the curve of my neck where it met my shoulder.

"I miss you." The words said more than he meant.

I wrapped an arm around his neck and pushed my fingers into his hair. I wanted the contact. I wanted to feel him. It felt so good to touch him, making all the fear of losing him the last week recede to the back of my mind.

"I've missed you, too."

He bit and sucked at my neck and rolled his groin over mine. Drunk and horny was Sam to a T. I let him drag me towards the sofa, and when he flopped back to lie down, I landed half on top of him. He chuckled and slid his hands down around to my ass, still playfully kissing any part of my bare skin he could reach. He wasn't pushing things, and whereas I knew he was aroused, I didn't think he was trying to fuck. This was how he showed his feelings, and I drank it in. He nudged his nose into my forehead until I lifted my face, and he kissed me. Every other time he had been almost hesitant when kissing me, but now he seemed unabashed.

He bit and sucked and flicked his tongue over mine until I was gasping for breath and flushed. I wasn't hard, or aroused, I was simply enjoying his touch, which he didn't seem to mind. But then it got even better when he slowed, taking his time exploring. I melted into his touch. As I started to get sleepy, it shifted to soft touches, his fingers tracing the lines of muscle on my abs, while I explored the cut of his hips that dipped into his jeans. There were so many places I had always wanted to touch him but never been able to. It wasn't even sexual so much as possessive. I loved every line of his body. It was all so visually familiar. I wanted to know how it felt.

My fingers moved higher to trace over his ribs, and he started to chuckle. "I forgot you were ticklish." I laughed and attacked the spot again.

He fought me off, whispering, "Hey, I don't want to wake Charlie! Cut it out."

"Why not, who cares?"

He sighed and rolled to his back. "She's been such a mood dampener. I think she's jealous of us."

"What has she done that makes you think she is jealous?"

"It's little things, hard to explain. But I can just feel it coming off her in waves." He pulled me closer, and I laid my head on his chest. The alcohol seemed to lubricate the pent-up thoughts he had been hiding.

"Can you try and explain it to me?" I hadn't seen her do anything that would spell jealousy. If I thought about it, Sam was acting jealous. He kept coming home from class early and checking up on Charlie in our usual alone time. He had also pulled back on the contact with us, to the point Char had said something. Could he be projecting his feelings onto her?

"I can't. It's just this feeling I have."

I pulled out of his arms and sat up.

"Hey—"

"Sam, this is the only time you're going to open up, and I know it's because you've had way too much to drink."

He scrunched up his brow, wobbling as he sat up, too. "This ought to be good." His accent was so thick when he drank that it almost drew me away from the point.

"I think you're the jealous one, and you're pushing those feelings on to Char because you don't know how to deal with them."

"You're being stupid. I pushed for this. I wanted you." He waved me off, but I could see it in his eyes. There was a glint of something there.

I scooted closer to him. "You don't like her wanting me, do you?"

Anger flashed over his expression. "Drop it, Steve."

"No, you don't let me hide shit from you. You don't get to either. I think her wanting me scares you." It was all clicking into place.

He got up and balled his hands into fists. I started to flinch and caught myself, but it was enough. He had seen it.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You think I would hurt you?" He turned his back on me. "I have fucking always protected you."

My stomach dropped, and bile rose in my throat. "Sam..."

He held up a hand as he stalked toward the kitchen. "Don't you even fucking dare."

"It's a goddamn instinctive reaction. I didn't mean to..."

He grabbed a bottle out of the freezer and went for a glass from the dishwasher. "What do you think of me? Now you're scared of me?"

After pouring himself a full glass, he braced both hands on the counter and let his head hang forward.

"Sam." I got to my feet and took a step toward the kitchen.

"Go. Away. Steve." He picked up the glass and downed the contents.

I bit down on my lip ring and shifted. "I'm going to get Char..."

He turned on me and flung his arm. I dropped to the ground, flashing back.

****

I walked in from school having heard the argument from the street when I got off the school bus. Once inside the house, I clutched my bag in front of me edging towards the hall, praying they wouldn't notice me. I took step after step, inching to the side, blocking my face with one arm and using my backpack to block my body. My foot landed on the last step before I could run down the hall and lock myself in my room. I put my heel down, and the floor squeaked. It happened in a lull in the screaming, and both my parents turned toward me. My body went stiff, and I couldn't move. I saw that fire behind my father’s eyes, and I internally screamed at myself to drop, to do anything, to get out of the way. But it came too quick. He had a beer gut and the liquor hadn't aged him well, but the All-State pitching arm had held through it all.

The glass came hurdling towards me. I barely had time to turn half way around before it struck me in the temple. I went down.

I woke up in the hospital a few hours later with my mother hovering over me.

"The doctor will be back any minute. You fell."

"I know..." I groaned. It had been coached into me my whole life. "Don't worry about it."

She gave me a smile. "You know Daddy didn't mean to. He just lost his temper. He loves you."

I nodded and turned my head away.

****

Sam was at my side cursing. "What the fuck?"

I pushed him off and got to my feet. "Don't act like you care now." My elbow stung, and it was red. I must have burned it on the carpet when I went down.

"I'm sorry. I have to rein it in. The last thing I ever want to do is fight with you. I love you."

I shoved past him already considering going home to visit. I had to get out of here. Even if for a few days. What had I gotten myself into that my parents seemed better than dealing with this? I was watching my best friend's relationship fall apart because of jealousy, and I was hurting Char by not wanting her like Sam did. They couldn't even say the issue wasn't me. This had all started because of me. I was the problem. It was time for me to figure out how to take myself out of the equation so they could return to how happy they were. I was in my head too much. I needed to get out of it. It was to the point where I couldn't even focus on school anymore.

Chapter Ten

When I got home they were waiting for me, and it felt like the bottom dropped out of my happiness. I felt like the cold hand of reality had wrapped around the base of my throat and was slowly squeeze off my air supply. They sat apart, one on the couch and the other on the chair, avoiding eye contact. The room was thick with tension. I had been determined to talk first, to tell them to go back to the way things had been, to forget about me, but now that I was here it was impossible to give up what made me happy. I glanced at Sam, and the thought of him never wrapping his arms around me again killed me. I wanted to drop to my knees at his feet and bury my face in his thigh and pretend things were simple. For years, those arms had shielded me from my demons. How could I go on without them?

I swallowed past the lump in my throat and croaked out, “Let me guess, you want to talk?”

They both nodded. Char looked liked she had been crying. Red veins spidered across her eyes and splotchy cheeks. Sam looked deadly calm, void of emotions, vacant and hollow. I felt deflated. What hurt the most was that there had been this seed of hope, a tiny idea, which had planted itself deep in my brain. It had rooted in and sprouted this idea of white picket fences and a happily ever after that I was sure I didn’t deserve. Hope for what could come out of this hurt the most. I for the first time in my life had the possibility of this normalcy everyone else took for granted. I'd doubted it all along, but that idea of what could be did more damage than living the reality of it. I shoved my messenger bag off my shoulder and took a seat on the coffee table so I could see them both.

“Just rip the Band-Aid off." I'd survived growing up and I would this. It was an effort to keep my breathing even, but I managed.

Sam looked up at me his face cycled through unreadable emotions. “It’s not like that.”

Char left the place where she'd been curled up in the corner of the couch with her legs tucked under her and scooted towards me. She took one of my larger hands in both of hers, squeezing it.

“We can’t go on like this. Something needs to break.”

I pressed my face into my elbow and nodded, not trusting my voice. It wasn't just Sam who shone brighter than any star, Char was my emotional stability. They both might be able to go back to normal and forget I was a possibility, but I couldn't keep seeing them every day. A gaping hole would be left in the place of those two, and I thought I might have to transfer schools.

“Sam and I talked..." She ran her teeth over her lip and looked down, her voice choked off.

“Fuck, Char, can’t you see what you’re doing to him?” He moved over and laid a hand on my lower back, kissing my shoulder. I was drawn into his touch like a drug.

Shit. I tore myself out of the mindset where I needed him. I couldn't keep on like this.

I dropped my arm and looked at one then the other. “Stop. All of this is making it worse.” I disentangled myself from the both of them and stood. Backing up to get some space so I could clear my head. “Now, tell me what you two decided without me." I held on to the hurt and anger I felt, and set my jaw preparing myself for the worst.

They traded a glance.

“We realized we were being horrible and putting you in the middle of what was our issue,” he started.

“I don’t know if you get how a three-way works, but I am in the middle,” I said. "If you think you two fighting doesn't affect me or involve me, you're wrong." My feelings were boiling over, and it was getting hard to control them.

“Let me fucking finish.” There was the Irish temper Sam unleashed on Char when they fought. I had only been the recipient of it one time, but she took the brunt of it. The chip on Mister Perfect's shoulder.

I stared him down, setting my jaw and baring my teeth.

“The issue was between us adjusting to how the other reacted to the threesome. So yes, it’s an issue for all of us, but Char and I really needed to get down to the root of my issue."

"I still think it's crap you two have been going rounds for a week at least without me. You can't leave me out." I turned away to tug at my hair, pulling out a few strands by accident.

"Listen, you were right. I was being a dick blaming her for being jealous, when I was really putting my feelings on her.” Sam softened. "Not all fights are going to involve all three of us."

"I get that, but stop hiding from me." I wanted to grab his shirt. I wanted to make him listen. I hated feeling helpless.

“Don’t be mad at him. We needed to talk it out.”

I looked at Char. We had discussed that fact, and I was glad he was admitting it. Another seed of doubt sprang and burrowed into my insecurities. Why was he so jealous over her and not me?

“Char and I talked. I…” He pushed his hand into his hair. “I’m not good at sharing her. I was the only man she had been with. I was raised Catholic. You know how my parents are. It was hard enough to admit my attraction to you. So when I also had to realize that Char really fucking loved you, that was a big blow to my ego. It wasn’t easy to deal with.”

"Why is it so easy to share me but not her?" I felt no possession from him. He had said the magic words to me, but I felt none of the meaning behind them. His actions yelled that I was physical for him whereas my need for him was so much more.

His handsome face showed lines of worry, and for the first time I really saw something behind his eyes. "Going into it I knew I had to share you. I've never had you to myself. I thought about it different, plus I feel things more intensely between us. I don't doubt it with you, but I guess with her I felt like you're the better guy, the better fit for her and maybe she would see it, too."

That put a warm spot in my chest that started to spread. Maybe his feelings for me were real. I didn't want to hope. "Sometimes I think you are really fucking stupid." It was not like me to say it, but I was so drained from all of this my filter seemed to have vanished. "Both of us fucking worship you. If you can't see it you're blind."

Charlie nodded in agreement. He half shrugged and hung his head not meeting either of our gazes.

There was so much hurt spread among us, wrapped in misunderstanding that I feared we would never get past it. I took a step closer to them knowing someone needed to do something. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, I’m the one who wanted you, brought it up to Char and now is having issues with what I wanted in the first place. I am the one who should be sorry.”

“Sam also needed to understand that I love you differently and what I feel for you doesn't diminish what I feel for him.” She bit her lip. “How do you feel about that?”

I stepped around the table and sat back in my place. Sam slid closer, and I rested my chin on his shoulder. “I see how you worship him. I never expected that. We have something different.” Something more, I finished to myself. We had talked about it. We could be ourselves with each other; it was so much easier with her. With him we both had to work.

"I think he's the only one who doesn't see it." She chuckled.

Sam growled playfully. "I'm a selfish prick who wants you both to myself. I can't help it."

"You have us, baby." She laughed and leaned across the distance to brush her lips over his. She left a hint of pink lipstick where she’d been.

"Now, you tell him how he made you feel about sex," Sam’s voice turned stern.

"Maybe we've talked enough for the day..." she said.

I shot her a look, and my mouth fell open.

"No, Char, you always do that. You bury stuff that's too close to home. It needs to get put out in the open," he said, keeping the tone.

I could see the hurt written across her face. Her cheeks pinked. "Do you not want to have sex with me?"

"We've had sex–"

"She means with just her, Steve."

I bit down on my lip. "I'm not normal. I don't think about it like you two do." I didn't know how to explain it any better. I hated feeling like I was missing a part of being eighteen that everyone else seemed to be a party to.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I told her I think I’m demisexual or something." It was the first time I had said the words out loud to him. I felt like a disease or something. "Plus, I don't know why you'd want to fuck me when you have him anyway." I looked over at Sam. Even tired and hung over he was stunning. He was everything America glorified. Big, broad shouldered, and stunningly handsome.

"Sam is all American good looking. You're more exotic like a model." She tugged at my shirt. "It's different with each of you. He's rough and playful and manly. Things are more intense with you," she finished under her breath.

"There is something wrong with me. I get it, I'm broken." I dropped my head and pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes. "I don't want it like Sam does. It wasn't like you could kick start me into wanting it. It wasn't just because I hadn't met the right person. There is something wrong with me." I let it go. I put all my insecurities out on the table.

She rubbed her hand over my arm. "That doesn't make you broken. It makes you different. It's our fault for pushing it on you so much. We aren't with you to change you. I want to understand." She pulled her hand back hesitantly.

"It has nothing to do with how much I want either of you. It has everything to do with the fact it's just not what I need."

They exchanged a glance that scared me.

"It's not like that. A little went a long way. There are other things I need more."

"God, Char, can you tone down the horniness? Steve and I feel like you only want us for our bodies!" Sam wore a huge grin, trying to lighten the mood.

I chuckled and bit his shoulder. "Yeah, Char, we have feelings, too."

"I'm going to murder you both in your sleep."

"Then who would you get the D from?" Sam cocked his head and just grinned.

She socked him in the shoulder playfully. "You two are evil." She turned on me. "Now be serious. Steve, how can we work this? What do you want?"

I had been thinking about it for days, and I still wasn't closer to an answer. "I don't know."

"Does it feel good?"

Sam, hot and sweaty kissing the back of my neck while inside me flashed in my mind, and I had to shift in my seat. "It does, but," I shrugged, "I don't seem to crave it like you guys do."

"Then why don't we say we'll let you come to us when you're in the mood, and we'll stop pushing it." She shot a look at Sam.

"I'm not solely guilty here, horn dog." He looked a little sheepish.

"You may think I wanted it more, but that was your jealousy talking. You're the one who's all about exploring his newfound bi side."

I grinned a little listening to them. This was what I loved so much. How we were so comfortable with each other.

"I resisted being bi for so long, and now it's the shiny new toy. Calm down, woman."

She leaned over to whisper to me, loud enough for Sam to hear. "You should see all the gay porn I caught him downloading."

"It was research."

That got me laughing, and the tension bled out a little.

"That mean you're going to let him top you?" Char gave him a sweet girl-next-door smile.

He shifted and looked away coyly. She groaned.

"I think she likes the gay porn I downloaded as much as I do."

"What am I going to do with you two?" I got off the coffee table and took a seat next to Char. Sam followed, like a puppy needing attention.

"I think that's a good idea. I'll come to you when I want to try things." I sucked my lip ring into my mouth, not sure how that was going to work better, but it was better than me feeling bad turning them down all the time.

"Tell us what you need then?"

There it was again. I had to force myself to be honest. Reminding myself these were the two people in the world I trusted before I opened my mouth. "I like to be touched. Not sexual, just like we used to, Sam."

Char raised her brows and shot him a look.

"She doesn't know?"

He looked a little guilty. "Char, Steve and I used to sleep cuddle when he would spend nights at my house. I kinda stopped when we moved in here because I figured it would upset you."

She smacked him again. "That's so mean. I was right. I always thought there was more to you two."

"You did break up with him before prom because of me."

She turned to glare at me. "I didn't understand. I thought he would put any of his friends before me." Her voice dropped. "I didn't know about your dad."

"Looks like we all need to talk more," Sam said.

"I'm sorry he stopped that because of me. We can do that. Sam and I were thinking of looking for a king sized bed today."

I smiled and tucked my hair behind my ears. "Next year we can get a one bedroom, so we'll have more beer money."

Sam's eyes lit up. "Hell yes."

"Want to go look at beds with us?"

I got to my feet. "One more thing. I want you guys to not feel bad about taking alone time. I am used to being by myself, and you guys are used to that. Dates, and sex, and everything else, you two need it. This is not something we are discussing. The three of us won't work if you two break down."