Vanquished (7 page)

She doesn't seem fine. What if she'd awoken in pain, alone? Then I realize that she probably has, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. “Mom, are you OK? Do you need something? Maybe some water, or pain medicine?” At least there are still a few medicines that we can produce in our small country, which we know of, anyway.

“Water would be great. When the doctors come back I'll ask for more medicine.”

I quickly fill a glass of water and hand it to her, but she only takes one small sip and sets it down.

“What time is it?” she asks.

I look at the clock on the wall. “It's a little before noon.”

She frowns. “What day is it?”

“It's Sunday, Mom.” She's obviously gotten her days mixed up, being in here for so long. “Hey, Mom, when will they let you go home? Can't they teach you how to eat this special diet at home?” If she isn't getting chemo drugs yet then I don't see why she needs to be here.

She shrugs a little, and I notice she winces with pain just doing that much. “I don't know. I haven't ever thought of it, but I'll ask. It does sound nice.”

That lifts my spirits some. Having Mom home would be so great. I could still cook and clean, but I would be able to take care of her. We wouldn't have to come to the hospital every day, and we could all be together.

Fischer brings lunch around twelve. It's a fruit salad and a whole wheat roll. It doesn't seem very filling, but Mom says she doesn't have much of an appetite anyway.

“Would you like anything?” Fischer asks me. “We provide a meal for one visitor. Today is chili and cornbread.”

I think about saying yes, but then I remember Mom can only eat fruits and vegetables. I don't want to make her hungry for something she can't have.

“No thanks,” I say. “I have to meet my friend Jamie soon anyway. I can eat then.”

Fischer smiles and ducks out. He doesn't show that we ever had a conversation before I came in. He doesn't show that he knows the government has the ability to help Mom get better but so far is choosing not to. He doesn't show that he knows my life is in turmoil.

I'm thankful for that.

“What are you and Jamie doing later?” Mom asks. She spears a strawberry and nibbles at it.

I don't want to go. I would rather stay here, with her. “It's the end of the week. We're going to the market to use up our food allowances.”

My mom nods. “Get all that you can.”

“Of course,” I say, because of course I will. Why would she feel the need to impart this to me? But then I realize I'm just being jumpy. She's being a mom. She doesn't have any authority anymore, and she's probably searching for any part of her life she can control.

And I thought
my
life was in turmoil. She must feel terrible, being cooped up in this room all day.

After she finishes her lunch, I kiss her on the cheek. “Maybe we'll find something good at the market I can bring you.”

She smiles.

“Oh! I almost forgot.” I pull a book from my bag. “Dad asked me to give this to you.”

Her eyes light up like stars. “Oh, tell him thanks! This will give me something to do.” My heart leaps at seeing her smile, but then she lets out a huge yawn. “Well, when I can stay awake anyway.”

I'm reminded she isn't well.

I wave goodbye and start for home. Jamie will be watching for me, waiting to meet me at the sidewalk. We both look forward to our trips to market together. We get to browse new items, see new faces, and try new things. It's a nice break from our normally boring lives.

The food market is a ten minute walk from our block. This makes it even better, especially on days like today where the sun is shining and the weather is nice.

We walk in silence. I don't notice her tension at first, but then I see how her lips turn down at the corners, and her shoulders are rigid.

I suddenly want to talk, to say anything to break the uncomfortable nothingness between us.

Should I tell her about the strange lights I saw in the sky? But then I'd have to explain why I went to the levies in the first place. I think of telling her about Ava's brother, but that opens up a whole new set of questions I don't have answers for. When did I start keeping so many secrets from my best friend? A lump grows in my stomach. I don't like this feeling at all.

Then I think of something I can tell her. “I'm meeting this guy.”

Jamie stops right in the middle of the sidewalk. Her eyebrows knit together and a deep frown mars her pretty face. “Huh?”

I glance around, suddenly self-conscience about the news. I propel her forward. “The medic I told you about from the hospital. I'm going to meet him.”

Jamie doesn't say anything at first. I watch questions and judgments and emotions play through her blue eyes as she walks. Her eyes are cornflower blue—so light you want to go swimming in them. It's no wonder this Easton guy is hooked.

And that's why I know I can tell her about this. I keep her secret, she keeps mine.

“I thought you said it was nothing between you. You said you hadn't forgotten about Keegan.”

“It's not like that. We're not meeting romantically. It's more like he's doing me a favor.”

I remember his reference to God and I frown. I'm not sure how much of a favor it will be, but if he knows anything about chemo then I want to know, and if he knows anything about a real God, I want to know that, too.

Jamie cuts her eyes at me. “A favor? What is that supposed to mean?”

Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up, because now I'll have to go into those other subjects I didn't want to talk about. How much will I have to explain to help her understand? It's not that I don't trust her with the information, just that it all sounds crazy, and she already thought I was blowing the chemotherapy situation out of proportion.

I look around again. A few kids play in their yards, and a guard across the street waves at us. I smile and wave back. We're almost to the market.

“Do you remember what I told you about the chemo drugs?” I whisper.

She nods.

“The doctors requested them. I saw it on her chart. I was digging through her chart again, to see if they were approved yet. Fischer caught me looking, and he told me he could give me answers.”

Her suspicious look doesn't fade like I'd hoped it would. “Fischer? That's his name?”

“Yeah.”

Jamie sighs. “Are you sure he's not just trying to get you alone?”

“No!” I say it too loudly and glance around again. I'm paranoid, as if the guard from the other night has been following me around, hoping to catch me break another rule. She did say they'd be watching.

“He's not,” I say more quietly. “I just want to know more about the drugs. Maybe he knows how we can get some.”

Jamie doesn't stop frowning, but we're at the market now so our conversation stops.

 

 

 

 

12

 

Tables of succulent fruits and vegetables line one side of the square-shaped outdoor market. It's set up in what used to be an old parking lot, with different sections for different food types. “I'm starving,” I say, fingering a ripe peach. “I skipped lunch.”

“Get one,” Jamie says, glancing around. She seems distracted.

“My dad would probably have a heart attack if I even thought about eating a fruit he didn't grow.” We both laugh, probably because we can both picture it.

I head to the grains instead. Sugars, flours, salts, and other spices and baking contents fill two tables. I stock up on flour and yeast, even though I can't help looking at the brown sugar. We rarely get sweets because sugar is so expensive. It's regulated by the government.

I see Jamie at another table further down. She smiles and laughs, and then I realize she's talking to Easton. He runs a produce table along with his dad. No wonder Jamie likes coming to market so much. How did I not realize this before?

Curiosity hits me again, and I weave in and out of the small crowd.

Easton's dad says something to Jamie, but I'm too far back to hear him.

Jamie throws back her head and laughs. It appears she's more familiar with him and his family than I knew. Maybe I should just leave them alone.

I step back into the crowd, deciding to keep an eye on her from a distance.

It looks like she's bought a basket of eggs. Too bad I didn't think of that before I spent my allowances on grain. Sometimes I try to talk Dad into letting us get a chicken with our food allowance, but so far he's said no. I don't know what the big deal is, since it would save us in the long run. We'd always have eggs available, and we wouldn't have to spend allowance on them. Not that we ever go hungry. Resources may be tight, but the Greaters make sure all the Middles get an even share. Even the Lessers get an even share among themselves, though I think they could probably have a little more. It might motivate them to make more of themselves.

At the last minute, I remember I wanted to look for something for Mom. My allowance is gone, and guilt settles in my stomach. It's silly because really, what can I buy Mom, food-wise? She's on a strict diet, and the hospital provides her meals. I'll use my entertainment allowance to buy her more books instead. She'll appreciate that more.

I finish browsing the other tables and look around to find Jamie. Not surprisingly, she's still talking to Easton.

“Hey, are you ready to go?” I ask.

“Sure,” she says. “Mr. Denzine, this is my best friend, Hana.”

Easton's dad and I smile at each other.

“Hey, Hana,” Easton says.

I smile at him, too, but we don't speak beyond that.

“I guess I'll see you later,” Jamie says.

Easton nods. “Right. See you later.” His eyes dance and his lips are shaped in a full-fledged smile.

I frown. There's something about this that I don't like. We start back toward home, and I can't keep my questions to myself. “Are you meeting him later?”

Jamie's head whips to look at me. “What?”

“He seemed to be getting at something when he said he'd see you later. It just bothered me.”

“Hana, don't worry about us. We'll be OK.” She barges ahead, and I have to race to keep up with her longer steps.

“Sorry,” I say. “I don't mean to butt in. I just don't want anything bad to happen. What if you get caught?”

She doesn't look at me when she says, “We won't get caught, Hana. You don't have time for me, and I understand that, but you don't understand some things. I wouldn't have to sneak around with him if you were ever around to hang out with us. I've always done that for you and Keegan, you know.”

I stop like I've been hit in the gut. Is that how she's always looked at it? I was using her so I could hang out with Keegan?

She goes a few steps before she realizes I've stopped. She looks to the sky and lets out a long, pent up breath. “I'm sorry,” she finally says. “That was selfish and stupid, and I know it.”

I watch her back, which is still turned to me. “Is that all you were doing? Being a buffer for me and Keegan? I always thought we were hanging out because we were friends.”

She turns now. Tears gather in her eyes. “Of course not. We were all friends, I know. It's just that I wish you could share that with me and Easton, too. I know you need to be with your mom.” She shrugs. “I just wish it was different.”

I want to shout,
you
wish it was different? How do you think
I
feel? But I'm not really mad at her. I love my best friend. Instead of shouting, I step toward her and hug her around my bag of grains and her baskets of eggs. An egg tips out and cracks on the pavement.

We laugh nervously.

“I'm sorry,” she says.

“That's OK, Jamie. I'm sorry about being nosey.”

“You weren't being nosey. You were looking after me,” she says. She tips her head to the side and smiles timidly. “But would you like to hang out with us? Maybe just once?”

Hang out with Jamie and Easton? Easton is interested in agriculture. He's tall and gangly, and he snorts when he laughs. He reminds me of Dad.

But Jamie's eyes are so hopeful, and I love her and can't imagine letting her down. There's no way I can say no. “Sure. Just tell me when.”

 

 

 

 

13

 

Ava catches up to me after school a few days later. “Can I talk to you?” Her face is all screwed up with worry.

I've been waiting outside for Jamie, but she hasn't showed up. We haven't exactly been meditating like we used to, and so our routine has puttered out.

“Of course,” I say, walking with Ava now. “What's wrong?”

“I've been thinking about the night Markus got hurt.”

“Yeah?”

A group of kids walks near us. She glances at them, and then whispers, “Why would he be in a tree?”

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“He was out after curfew. Why would he go outside to climb a tree?”

“Maybe he wanted to be alone. You share a room, right?”

She shakes her head. “No, that can't be it. He's never tried to avoid me before. Besides, I wasn't even in my room. I was with Mom and Dad downstairs. He knew that. We all thought he had gone upstairs. He deliberately misled us.”

Her words make sense. What had he gone outside to do?

“Do you have any theories?” I ask.

“I don't know what he was breaking curfew for, but it had to be something important don't you think? He broke the law, yes, but they wouldn't keep us from seeing him just because he was out late. He was either doing something really bad, or he saw something really bad. They don't want him to tell us what happened that night.”

Ava makes a good point. Worry starts worming its way through my head.