Vampire Charming (15 page)

Slade
glanced down at her.  “And you do not ‘
just work here
.’”  He corrected. 
“I could not do any of this without you, Jane.  We are partners.”  Vacation poster
blue eyes regarded her earnestly.  He
always
looked enthralled and
intense and nauseatingly perfect.  It was like he lived his eternal life basking
in a permanent close-up.  “Can you not feel the connection between us?  Our
fates are intertwined.”

Jane
scoffed at that idea, because what else
could
she do?  Admit that she
was becoming more and more attached to Kull the Conqueror?  What would that get
her, when she standing in the unemployment line and Slade was married to his magical
princess?  “‘Our fates are intertwined?’”  She repeated.  “Jesus, I already
bought your little campaign speech.  Let’s not go overboard.”

“It
is the truth.  We were brought together through providence.  The sooner you
accept that, the sooner you will be able to concentrate on our mission.”

“Trust
me, being stuck in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter has my full attention,
alright?  Just as soon as we can book a flight out of this forest and find
Roland, I will be…”

He
cut her off in confusion.  “Book a flight?”  He repeated.  “I am unfamiliar
with this tome.”

“Not
‘book’ like a
book
.  ‘Book’ like a
plane ticket
.”  From his blank
look, she was guessing the Wright Brothers soared over Kitty Hawke post-1893. 
“We could fly out of here,” she rephrased bluntly, “except we can’t fly.”

Slade
made a dismissive sound.  “Don’t be silly, Jane Squire…”

“I’m
not being silly.  People in my time have machines that can…”

He
kept talking right over her.  “…Of course, I can fly.”

Jane
stopped short.  “Huh?”  She turned to look at him.  “Wait,
what
did you
just say?”  She must have heard that wrong.

“I
said of
course
I can fly.  I am a Vampire, after all.  It is one of our
many gifts.  For instance, we can use supernatural powers to shield ourselves
from enemies, we are nearly impossible to kill, we are wonderful dancers, and
sometimes we can teleport.”

Jane
stared at him.  “And you can fly.”

“And
I can fly.”

“So
you could get above those trees,” she pointed at the dense leaves over their
heads, “and see which way we should go?”

Slade
looked up.  “Well… yes.”  He admitted.

Jane
released a calming breath, trying not to scream.  “I see.  And you
haven’t
done this yet, because…?”  She let her voice trail off questioningly.  As if
maybe there was some
halfway reasonable explanation
for why he hadn’t
gotten them out of this damn forest days ago.  As if that didn’t solve one of
their biggest problems.  As if she wasn’t two seconds away from beating him to
death with a rock.  “Did you not think of that?”

“I
did
think of it and I
can
fly.”  Slade explained.  “But, I can’t
fly,
right now
.  It is a very taxing power and I am not at full
strength.”

“You
look healthy to me.”  Massive understatement.  She forced herself not to get
distracted by his
overwhelming
healthy looking-ness.  No small task,
considering he was so fucking shiny it burned her eyes.

Jane
sighed in frustration as they marched back through the rebel village.  It still
looked like Tarzan’s summer place.  There wasn’t much she could do to change
the idiotic set, although she’d certainly tried.  She made sure Slade banned all
the musical numbers and
Thunderdome
crap.  No more Fred Astaire-ing and
no more pointless MMA-fighting in cages made of branches and bones.  Neither
decision had gone over well, although no one bothered to blame Slade.  The
villagers waved, and smiled, and genuflected at him like he was Superman.

No
one waved, and smiled, and genuflected at Jane.

She
wasn’t surprised.  Slade was definitely the “good cop” half of their
partnership.  The villagers tended to watch Jane warily, possibly because she
was always the one pointing out the obvious flaws in their rebellion.  For
instance, that their “weapons” were just sticks, which would have absolutely no
effect on a Werewolf, and their “plans”
weren’t
plans, because they
never got around to actually planning anything except dinner.

Which
was always squirrel.

Jane
didn’t worry about winning over the townsfolk, though.  Slade was the one who
dreamed of being Yertle, King of the Turtles.  Jane just wanted to make sure
the two of them survived his ascension.  That was all that mattered.

…Oh,
alright fine.  It
also
mattered if the dorky rebels survived.  That was
kind of why she’d agreed to help, after all.  She didn’t want the villagers
dead, which was exactly what would happen if they went after Fang without thinking. 
From Here to Infinia
didn’t care about people whose characters didn’t even
have names.  Who would miss “Dirty Peasant Number 3” or “Screaming Woman in
Hut?”

Someone
had to look after the extras of this world and it looked like that someone was
Jane.  This might be a movie back in reality, but, here in Infinia, everything
was
real
.  It had taken her awhile to fully accept it, but it was the
truth.  This place was
real
.  These people were
real.
 And she
needed to give them their best shot at survival.

Jane
knew what it was to be an expendable part of the cast.

No
one got killed off for dramatic effect in her film.  She didn’t care if it raised
the stakes for the main cast or if these villagers weren’t exactly going to
change the world,
every
life meant something. 
Everyone
contributed to the story. 
Everyone
got a speaking part.

Even
the stupid people.

For
the past week, Jane had been preaching restraint, which seemed to baffle the brain
trust of rebels.  Especially since Slade listened to her and not them.  For all
his
numerous
failings, the Vampire consistently took her advice over
everyone else’s.  Every decision he made, he ran passed her.  Jane’s logical
objections to suicide missions, and Slade acquiescence to her complaints, frustrated
the more hotheaded villagers.  Now that they had a leader for their army, they
were ready to ride to the Obsidian Fortress and throw rotten fruit at the
gate.  Jane stubbornly insisted that they come up with an idea that a chance in
hell of working.

Step
one would be getting out of this damn forest.

“King
Slade!”  A bowtied Gnome popped his head out of a hut.  He was
From Here to
Infinia
’s
“madcap scientist”
character, forever creating
anachronisms and eye-rolling stupidity.  “The first phase of testing went
better than expected.  My wooden robots will be ready for the field in no time.”

“Excellent
work, Symon.”  Slade gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up.  “I knew you could do
it.”

Symon
nodded happily and disappeared back into his workshop, which was somehow
powered by a solar panel that he’d somehow made from leaves.

Slade
glanced at Jane.  “What is a wooden robot?”  He asked in a quieter tone.

“I
told you, I’m not dealing with Symon.  Every fantasy movie has some guy with
white hair and glasses who invented proto-steampunk bullshit.  It’s cheap and I
refuse to engage.”  She shook her head and got back to business.  “Now, what do
you need to be at full Vampire strength and fly?  Like kryptonite or something?” 
Or wait, that drained strength, didn’t it?

“I
haven’t eaten in over a week.”  Slade shrugged, as if it was obvious.  “I will
have to feed.”

Jane
looked over at him.  “On… blood?”  She guessed, wrinkling her nose.

“Yes. 
Vampires need human blood to survive.  Or the blood from our Eternal-One.”  He
paused briefly to give an autograph to a beaming little boy with red horns.  Slade
tousled the kid’s hair and glanced back at Jane.  “Even if Melessa was in this
dimension, I would not drink from her, though.  So, human blood is the only
option.”

Jane
tried to think of it like a specialized diet.  Kind of like someone with a wheat
allergy or who had to eat extra protein.  “Well, I’m sure there are a ton of
people around here who would be happy to open a vein for you.  Just try not to
kill them or turn them into Vampires, because…”

“I
would never kill someone I feed from.”  He interrupted, sounding insulted. 
“And a bite alone isn’t enough to convert someone to Vampirism.”

“If
you say so.”

“I
do
say so.”  He paused.  “There is a problem, though.”

“What
a surprise.”  Slade was nothing but one huge complication after another.  “You
know what?  Don’t even tell me about it.  Vampire rules make my brain hurt.”

Slade
ignored that and told her anyway.  “When a Vampire bites someone, the human
experiences it like an aphrodisiac.”  He shrugged.  “It is why I only bite
woman.”

Jane
blinked.  “You sleep with the girls as you drain their blood?  That is so
frigging kinky.  And not in a good way.”

He
began to look exasperated with her.  “I do not sleep with them.  They just
inevitably find it pleasurable.  If I were to bite one of the female rebels,
her mate would be… unhappy with the results.  Women find me nearly
irresistible, even when I don’t bite them.  After I taste their blood, they are
forever smitten with me.”

Jane
really
wished she could argue with that narcissistic statement.  It was
hard to miss the truth of it, though.  Especially when a woman with scales and
neon yellow hair swooned at the very sight of him.  The twit squealed his name like
something out of
Bye Bye Birdie
and then collapsed to the ground in
ecstasy.  Her fellow yellow-haired creatures tried to bring her around.  Well,
the ones who weren’t blowing kisses at Slade, anyway.

“Here’s
looking at you, King!”  One of them shouted.

“Come
up and see me sometime.”  Another offered in her best Mae West voice.

“Hasta
la vista, Slade-y.”  A third one called, even though the line made absolutely
no sense in this context.

God,
Jane hated it here.

Slade
cast his comatose fan an unconcerned look, disregarding the propositions. 
Apparently, he was used to insane spectacles.  Why wouldn’t he be?  Every time
he strolled through town it became a parade of his deluded fan club.  Literally. 
The man had an actual fan club.  “Also, I am not sure that most of these beings
are exactly human, so their blood might not nourish me.”

Jane
saw where this was headed.  “Well, you’re not biting
me
.  Are you
crazy?”

“It
will only take a moment.”

“A
moment where I’m
bleeding from the neck!
”  She jerked open the rickety
door to her hut.  “I mean it.  No way is this happening.”

“It’s
painless.  I promise.”  He ducked through the doorway after her.

“How
would you know?  Have you ever been bitten?”

“No,
but…”

“Well,
neither have I and I don’t like the idea of some Vampire at my jugular.  Is
that really so hard to understand?”

“But,
it’s not ‘some Vampire.’  It’s me.”

She
looked over at him.

Blue
eyes locked onto hers, holding fast.  “It’s just me, Jane.”  He repeated,
softly.  “I know it is hard for you to have faith in anyone, but --deep down--
you trust me.  You would not be here if you had any doubts.  I will take your
blood, but I will not hurt you.  I swear it.”

She
thought for a long moment, weighing her feelings for this guy.  “How much
blood?”  She finally asked.

Slade’s
expression lit up.  “Just enough to survive.”  He promised, looking eager to
convince her that this was a good plan.  “I cannot eat the things you do, but I
still need sustenance.”

“Like
you’re missing so much with the
à la carte
squirrel dishes every night.” 
She crossed her arms over her chest, still considering her options.  “You can’t
--like-- drink deer or something?”

“No. 
It must be human blood.  You’re my best hope.”

“Do
not try guilt-tripping me.  It won’t work.”  Except, she already knew it was
going to work.  Damn it.

“This
will help you, too.  Your blood will restore my strength, so I can fly us out
of here.  It will save us both.”

“We’ll
think of another way.”

“There
is
no other way.  Even if there was, this cannot be avoided for much
longer.  I am a Vampire.  I will die without blood.”  He regarded her gravely. 
“Please help me, Jane.”

Damn
it.

Jane
blew out an irritated breath.  It was the “please” that did it.  And the fact
that he was so mind-meltingly handsome.  And she did want him flying up there
and finding them an escape route.  Mostly, she just didn’t like the idea of him
being hungry, though.  She’d been hungry too many times in her life to inflict
that on Slade.  It made no sense for him to go without blood when she could fix
it so easily.