Upside Down Inside Out (30 page)

been full to overflowing with funny stories about Australia, about her studies at business school. Martin hadn’t minded the two of them becoming the three of them, at the pub, on trips into Dublin. How could he mind, he said, with two gorgeous girls to go out with? Lainey had been a prize flirt back then too. She knew all the tricks. Looking up at him through her lashes. Touching him on the arm. Laughing at his jokes. At first, Eva had been confident enough in Martin to point it out. ‘Lainey Byrne, are you flirting with my boyfriend?’ ‘Eva, such accusations,’ Lainey had laughed. ‘I’m just practising my womanly wiles. You don’t mind, Martin, do you?’ ‘Ah no, practise away.’ Then things started to change. Lainey and Martin seemed to have lots to talk to each other about. They’d stop when Eva came in. She started getting suspicious. Finally, she’d confronted Lainey. ‘Is ‘ something going on between you and Martin, Lainey?’ ‘Of course not. He’s your boyfriend.’ She seemed to be telling the truth. Eva relaxed again. But she couldn’t help noticing Martin was changing too. As though he was slowly shutting windows into himself that had once been wide open to Eva. Lainey went back to Australia. Then, one week

later, Martin called around and told Eva he was leaving Dunshaughlin. Leaving Ireland. And therefore, it went without saying, leaving her. She had been too shocked to cry. ‘But why?

‘I want more than this, Evie. More than living here for the rest of my life. I’m not ready to get married, have kids, buy a house, any of it.’

‘It’s Lainey, isn’t it? She’s put these ideas into your head. Is that where you’re going? To Australia? To her?’

‘No,’ he’d said quickly. Too quickly? she’d wondered. ‘I’m going to England first. Maybe Australia later, I don’t know. I just know I want to go somewhere that’s not here.’

After he’d left, Eva sank into misery. Several weeks later, her mother had snapped, ‘Eva, that’s enough. You have to lift yourself out of this. If it’s a broken heart, then I’m sorry, but you’ll have plenty more of those before you’re through with your life. If it’s more serious than that, we’ll make an appointment with the doctor and get you sorted out. Because I know one thing for sure and that is your father and I are tired of seeing you moping around day after day. You’re twenty-three years old, not ninety. It’s time you grabbed life again, do you hear me?’

She’d come to her senses. In a fit of energy she’d turned her life upside down. She’d decided to move to Dublin, to apply for art school. If Martin was going to make something of his life, so was she. She’d

pulled together all the work she’d done over the years, especially the dark, angst-ridden ones she’d painted since Martin had left. She’d survived a long, gruelling interview with the head lecturer, who had uhmed and aahed over her work, before saying that, yes, there could be something there and, yes, she was in.

Ambrose offered her a part-time job in the delicatessen. She decided to study part-time and work part-time, to be as self-sufficient as she could. She lived in a series of bedsits until her cousin moved to London and asked her if she wanted to rent his house in Stoneybatter. And all the while she ignored any letter and phone message she got from Lainey.

Eva shifted position on the bed. She wondered sometimes if Lainey had even noticed that she’d stopped writing to her for nearly a year. They’d never talked about that either.

You didn’t talk about that either? Well, how astonishing.

She sat up on the bed, miserable, angry, disappointed. She’d come to Australia with such high hopes, seeing Lainey again, cementing their friendship, finding the time to think over Ambrose’s offer. But look at the mess she’d made of it all. Not only had she started living a false life, telling lies, but she’d let Lainey do it to her again.

Do what to you again?

Interfere. Take over. Just like she always has.

When we were young. When she came over to Ireland. And tonight, with Joe.

Well, why do you let her?

You just do with Lainey. How can anyone fight that sort of personality? All that spark and energy she has.

And what are you, a slug at the bottom of the sea?

Compared to Lainey I am.

Oh rubbish. You’re talking like a four-year-old. You’re thirty-one. Lainey hasn’t lived in Ireland since you were a teenager. You’ve hardly been in a coma since then, only wakening whenever Lainey’s around.

No, but You managed to get yourself through school, didn’t you? Get a job in the newsagent after school? Get into art school? Make the decision to go part-time? Work with Ambrose? Lainey hasn’t been there beside you weighing out olives and cutting cheese, has she? That’s been you smiling at customers, hasn’t it?

Yes but Are you still jealous of her, is that it?

Jealous? I’m not jealous. Lainey’s my friend. You can’t be jealous of a friend.

Of course you can. And this jealousy goes back years. Right back to Martin. Tonight had nothing to do with Joe and everything to do with Martin. You’ve never spoken to her about it, so it’s been locked away in a vault in your mind. Until Joe came

along and accidentally unlocked it. And now he’s had to deal with the consequences. No, it’s not just about Martin. Lainey is trying to ruin things between me and Joe. How has she done that? By planting doubts in my mind about him. Telling me what I should and shouldn’t do with him. So? Tell her thanks for the advice but you’re happy to make up your own mind. Unless you’ve been programmed to only do what she tells you, is that it? What about tonight, then? The way she was behaving tonight? Talking and laughing and flirting. That’s exactly what she did with Martin when she came back to Ireland that time. Well, it’s just as well she was talking tonight, wasn’t it, with you sitting there like Lot’s wife, struck dumb. There wasn’t a peep out of you. I couldn’t get a word in, that’s why. She’s trying to take him away from me. Like she did with Martin. But you still don’t know if you and Martin broke up because of her. Because you’ve never asked Lainey what actually happened between them. You just assumed that’s what it was. Assumed that every conversation and every joke the pair of them had was Martin plotting to get away from you. And you still don’t know for sure because you’ve always been too scared to ask Lainey. Like you’re too scared to try

and run the shop. Too scared to try and paint again. Too scared to tell Joe who you really are.

Yes, all right, I am scared.

So what is it exactly you’re scared of with Lainey? Why haven’t you asked her about it?

I’m scared of finding out that Lainey had fancied Martin. That Martin and I broke up because of her. In case that’s the end of our friendship.

You don’t want your friendship with Lainey to end?

Of course I don’t.

That’s why you haven’t asked her about this before now?

Yes.

So you’ve been happier to spend all these years nursing this hurt, feeding it and helping it to grow bigger and stronger, rather than learn the truth and face up to what actually might have happened?

Which might have been what?

Couldn’t Martin have been telling you the truth? That he just wasn’t ready to settle down? That he didn’t want to live in Dunshaughlin and get married? That he wanted to see the world? That hearing Lainey talk about Australia planted a seed in him, made him realise there really was a big world out there?

Yes, I know that’s what he said Well, doesn’t that all sound fairly reasonable? Where’s Martin now, anyway? In Africa, isn’t he?

Still travelling? Sounds like that’s what he really wanted to do, doesn’t it? But rather than find out once and for all, ask Lainey if anything actually happened between them, you’ve tucked it away, let it grow right out of proportion. You’ve tried poor Lainey and found her guilty before she’s had a chance to defend herself. Poor Lainey? What’s poor about Lainey? She’s got everything going for her. Everyone loves her. People just flock to her. Everyone at school did. Martin did. Joe did tonight. What was Joe supposed to do? Ignore her? Only talk if you spoke to him? Only laugh at your jokes, not Lainey’s? You were out to dinner, the three of you. When people are out, they have conversations. That’s another name for people talking to each other. You reacted as though they’d been playing footsies under the table. Exchanging phone numbers. Kissing — But what about Lainey’s carry-on about the deli? Try and look at it from her point of view. She flies home from Brisbane to see her oldest friend, here all the way from Ireland, and walks into a lovefest in the middle of her living room. Not what she expected to see, I imagine. Don’t you think she might be feeling a little displaced herself? I don’t know how she feels. Well, why don’t you ask her? Start facing up to some of these things? Start having the courage to actually ask people if there’s something you need to know.

More to the point, tell people the truth about how you feel? And how about starting now?

Now?

Right now. Look at you, this is ridiculous. You fly across the world to see your friend, then you throw a tantrum and book yourself into a hotel five minutes from her house. Don’t you think that’s a bit silly?

Yes, but You go down to reception right now, check out again. Then you go around that corner and see Lainey and talk to her. Now.

But

Eva, you are a smart, capable human being. You have many friends. You have people who love you. You have something new and exciting waiting for you in Dublin. You’ve started something with a lovely man that might get even nicer if you dare to tell him the truth too. But you have to start somewhere, and Lainey’s the closest to hand.

Eva got off the bed and went into the bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror for a long moment. Her hair was down again. She’d been wearing it like that most of the time she’d been in Melbourne, since Lainey had told her it suited her like that. Eva realised something then. She didn’t like wearing her hair down. If she had done, she would have been wearing it down for years. But it got in her eyes, that’s why she preferred to wear it in the plait. And she thought it suited her better like that, anyway.

So wear it in a plait. Since when was Lainey the Hair Police? Eva quickly plaited her hair. Good. Step one, hair fixed. Now step two, Lainey. Eva stopped her train of thought right there. Step two was going to be a bit harder to fix. And she didn’t want to even think about step three.

Eva quietly opened the front door to Lainey’s apartment and jumped as a shadow moved in front of her. It was Rex.

‘No, Rexie,’ she whispered. This was no time for an escape bid. She closed the door and waited. She heard Lainey’s voice and stiffened. Was Joe in here with her? Oh God, she couldn’t handle that. She had turned back to the door when the voice inside her spoke again.

Go in there. Sort this out.

Lainey was on the phone. ‘I know it’s only been two hours, but she’s just an innocent. God knows what might have happened to her, can’t you just drive around? Or put out an alert or something?’

Eva put down her bag with enough noise to make Lainey spin around. Her expression changed rapidly. ‘It’s all right, sergeant, she’s here.’ She hung up and stood up. ‘Oh, thank God, you’re okay. Bloody hell,

Eva, you’ve had me worried sick. I’ve been onto the police, the hospitals - where the hell were you? Joe and I were both worried about you.’ Joe and I? It was Joe and I? Eva’s good intentions disappeared in a flash. The reasoned conversation she’d planned disappeared. She was instantly as angry as she’d been before. ‘You noticed I was gone? I’m surprised you could see through all the fluttering eyelashes.’ ‘What?’ ‘Don’t be coy, Lainey. We’re adults now, remember. Responsible for our own actions. You were flirting with him.’ ‘With Joe? I was not.’ ‘You were, Lainey. Are you pleased with yourself? Doing your best to ruin another relationship for me?’ ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. Have you been drinking? Taking something?’ ‘It’s all right for you, isn’t it? Miss Confident. Miss Successful. Miss Gorgeous. You were flirting with him. You think I didn’t notice? Why? Just to see if you could wreck my happiness again?’ Lainey blinked. ‘What the hell is this about? I expected to come home to Melbourne, have a laugh and a drink with my old friend Eva, not be attacked like this.’ ‘You don’t remember, do you?’ ‘Remember what?’ Eva went into the kitchen, rage giving her speed,

and grabbed the framed photo from the side cupboard. The one of the three of them, her and Lainey and Martin. She thrust it at Lainey. ‘His name was Martin Conroy, Lainey.’ Lainey glanced at the photo. ‘Oh, that’s right, so it was.’ She was wary, puzzled. ‘Do you want me to write his name somewhere. Is that it?’ ‘Stop it, Lainey.’ ‘You just wanted me to remember him, is that it? Well, yes, I do now. Martin, that fellow you went out with for a little while.’ ‘I didn’t just go out with him for a little while, I was in love with him. I had slept with him. For the first time. My first time. Maybe that wasn’t a big deal for you, but it was for me. And I thought he liked me back. Loved me, even. And he did. Until you came along and turned his head. Turned him off me.’ The? Eva, I didn’t do that. I was just being friendly.’ ‘You weren’t just being friendly. You flirted with him. It was so easy for you. Talking, laughing, bewitching him.’ ‘Stop it! If I was talking to him, being friendly to him, it was because he was your friend. And I do remember now, I remember it all. He was talking about leaving Ireland the whole time I was there. He was always going to leave, he said. He’d tried to talk to you about it as well, he told me.’ Eva stood like a statue. Unbidden, she remembered

Martin raising the subject with her too. Several times. But she’d ignored it each time, or changed the subject. Lainey continued. ‘He was trying to decide whether to go to England or try Australia. He asked me to keep it secret. His parents would go mad, he said. And he didn’t know how to tell you either. He wanted me to do it for him. He even asked me if I would, but I said that it wasn’t up to me to tell you.’ Eva remembered lots of things from that time. Walking in on the two of them talking and seeing them spring apart, looking guilty. ‘That’s what you were talking about? All those times I came in and the two of you seemed guilty about something?’ ‘Well, I wouldn’t have felt guilty. I had done nothing to be guilty about.’ ‘You didn’t try and break us up? You didn’t fancy him yourself?’ Lainey stared at her. ‘Of course I didn’t. I’m your friend. He was your boyfriend. Have you gone mad? Why would I have done that?’ Eva’s temper flared again. ‘The same reason you put on that display in the restaurant tonight, I suppose. With Joe. Is that what a friend would do?’ A shadow crossed over Lainey’s face. ‘Evie, I was cross with you, I’m sorry, I admit it. You came to Melbourne to see me and first thing I know you’re off gallivanting with this fellow. I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to like him. I was testing him a bit, I guess.’