Upgrade U (19 page)

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned …

—M
ARY J.
B
LIGE
, “N
O
M
ORE
D
RAMA”

I
t had been a week since everything had jumped off with

Zaire, and although he called every day, I sent his calls straight to voice mail. The one time he attempted to show up here without calling, I hid in the bathroom and had Khya tell him I wasn’t here.

I mean, what was I supposed to say to him? Thank you for betraying me? Thank you for making me believe that I could love again, that forgiveness was possible, only for you to take my heart, slice it open, and pour piss on the inside of it?

Other than that there was nothing to say … and all I knew is that although I really wanted to cry my heart out, I had to move on. I had to. I couldn’t just lie here or roll over and die. I had to bury my love for Zaire and accept the fact that everything about him was a lie … and no, I wasn’t being bitter. I was simply keeping it real.

I slung my backpack over my shoulder, and as I opened the door I felt as if I’d tripped and fallen into a wall because
Zaire was standing there. Immediately my eyes filled with tears.

“I know you’ve been avoiding me,” he said.

I nervously leaned from one foot to the next, trying my best to calm down my internal screams. “What do you want?”

“Just hear me out, please.”

“I don’t really have time for this.”

“I love you and I’m sorry,” he said as if he was in a rush.

“Love me? Is this what the hell love is? Love lies to me? Betrays me? Hmph, well, guess what? You can keep that.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I’m so tired of hearing that.” I held my fingers out and started counting on them. “First Josiah—”

“Don’t compare me to Josiah.”

“Oh, okay, would you like me to compare you to my father, then? Because he was a liar too.”

“I’m not your father.”

“You’re right. I don’t know who you are. Are you Zaire the student? Are you Grandson? Are you the construction worker? The rubber-band man? Dope boy? Huh?”

“You know exactly who I am. I’m the man who loves you. Wants to be with you forever. I’m the man that made you face your fears.”

“Oh please. ‘I’ll never lie to you, Seven,’” I mocked him. “’I’m not like this and I’m not like that. Love, you’re different.’” I squinted. “What did you mean by that? That I was stupid? Stupid enough to fall for you!”

“No, you weren’t stupid to fall for me. We were supposed to be together and we should be together now—”

“But you lied!”

“And I’m sorry, I should’ve told you the truth.” He
grabbed my hand and I hated that I couldn’t resist letting him hold it.

“I love everything about you, your smile.” He ran his thumb across my lips. “Your sense of humor. I want to be there for you. I want to protect you—”

“Protect me, by having handcuffs slapped on me? Nah, I’m good.”

“I’m sorry, Love. Please forgive me.”

“You really think it’s that simple?”

“I wish it was, but I know it could never be. But we can’t just walk away from what we had—we have to start somewhere. All that selling drugs has stopped. Period. And my lawyer’s looking at getting me into a program where I don’t get convicted and the court will dismiss the charges, if I stay in school and don’t commit another crime in the next three years.”

“And what happens if you do commit another crime?”

“Then the court resumes those charges.”

“Well, then good for you,” I said sarcastically. “So like, what do you want, a hand clap? I should be what, impressed? How about you’re a day late with that. You should’ve told me that you had drugs in the car. That every time I was with you I was risking my life!”

“Love—”

“Stop calling me that!”

“I can never stop calling you that.”

“You have to.” I snatched my hand away. “Because I don’t want you to love me. I want you to go away. I’m done, Zaire. Through.”

“I need another chance!”

“No.” I shook my head feverishly. “I can’t give that to you.”

“I swear to you I didn’t know that I still had weed in my truck. I didn’t even know my license was suspended. I promise you, I never ever transported anything when you were around.”

“Well, somebody caught you slippin’, didn’t they?”

“In more than one way,” he said more to himself than he did to me.

“Yeah, you’re right about that! I mean, seriously do you know how I felt? It’s like everybody knew but me. Even Josiah knew!”

“Yeah, he knew,” Zaire snapped, “because I was selling to half of his teammates.”

“Whatever.”

“Seven, I didn’t do this to hurt you. I sold drugs because I needed to live; I needed my grandmother to live—”

“So she knows what you do too?” I couldn’t believe this.

“No. I told her the same lie that I told you. But I’m realizing that lying to people you love is costly.”

“So is that your excuse?”

“Love, I’m not making up excuses for what I did, but sometimes when a person is desperate and they don’t have anything else, they turn to what they can get. And slingin’ was what I knew I could fall back on.”

“So that makes it okay?”

“Nah, and it could never make it okay, and I get that now. I just hope that one day you’ll understand that everybody makes mistakes.”

Tears streamed down my face, but there was no way I could fold. Zaire kissed the tears from my cheeks and whispered, “I will always love you. But if you want me to go, I’ll leave.”

“Please leave.”

Zaire kissed me on my forehead. “Hey, if nothing else, maybe one day we’ll be homies again.” And he walked backwards out of my room, closing the door in front of him. All I could do was sit on the edge of the bed, and before I knew anything I was a bumbling mess.

I was crying so hard that it took me a moment to realize that someone was knocking at the door.

I wiped my face and said, “Come in.”

“Seven?” It was Josiah and at that moment I knew I’d had enough for one day, and to think it wasn’t even noon.

“What is it?”

“I just came to kick it to you for a minute. Were you crying?”

“Look, Josiah,” I sniffed, “I really don’t have the time to deal with the nonsense. I know you heard what happened, so whatever, it is what it is.”

“Yeah, I heard what happened.”

“And what? You came to rub it in? Say ‘I told you so’?”

“No, I came to see how you were feeling.”

“Why?”

“Because I care.”

“Josiah, spare me.”

“Geez, Seven, when are you going to ease up and stop being so hard all the time?”

“When men who claim they love me stop screwing over me!”

“Look, I know I messed up. I did and if I could do everything all over again I would. But I can’t. And for real, you didn’t make things any easier. You never let anything go, you harbor everything inside, and I felt like I was paying
for your father’s mistakes; and I’m sure Zaire felt like he was paying for mine.”

“So this is all my fault?”

“No, we’re responsible for our own actions.”

“So what are you trying to say, Josiah? Because I have to go.”

“Look, I just came to check on you, not argue with you. And I know you’re going through a lot right now. But maybe if you learn to forgive and the rest of us work on ourselves too, then maybe we’ll see that there was a lesson in this for all of us.”

I hated that he was right. “Maybe you’re right, Josiah.”

He smiled. “What? Did you say that I may be right?”

I hated that I was snickering a little, but I was. “Yeah, I said it.”

“So if you can admit that, then maybe we could—”

“We can’t do anything, Josiah, but go to class.”

Josiah laughed and stared at me. “You know, Seven, this is the only time I’ll ever say this—”

“And what’s that?”

“That not only did Zaire get a good girl, you had a good dude. Don’t let my mistakes or his one mistake erase everything that you two shared. A’ight? Because when you were with him, it was the happiest I’d seen you in a long time.”

I paused. Josiah had caught me completely off guard. “Yeah …” I bit into my bottom lip. “Maybe … you’re right again.”

Take me as I am …
or have nothing at all …

—M
ARY J.
B
LIGE
, “T
AKE
M
E AS
I A
M”

Six months later … the last day of the school year ….

“C
ousin Shake in the hiz’zouse, baby!” A series of pounds beat against our room door. “Now open up, Fat Mama!”

I peeled my eyes open one at a time and shook my head. Cousin Shake was not supposed to be here until this afternoon, yet here he was banging on my door as if he had lost every bit of his senior-citizen mind.

I tossed the covers off of me and stormed over to the door. “Would you stop being so loud?” I snapped at Cousin Shake, who stood wearing a pair of silver metallic pants and a matching vest with no shirt beneath. He jogged in place and his neck full of multicolored Mardi Gras beads slapped up and down against the taco meat on his chest.

Yuck!
“Why are you here so early?”

“You opened that door like you wanted to do somethin’, Fat Mama? Huh?” He lunged his chest at me and immediately
pulled himself back. “If you wanna do somethin’, then busta move.”

“Cousin Shake—”

“Ain’t nothin’ to it, but to do it. I dare ya.”

“I am not scared of you,” I said. “I fight old people.”

“And I beat kids. So what-what.”

“Cousin Shake.” My mother walked up behind him. “What are you doing?” She placed her hands on her hips.

“I’m giving my Fat Mama my love greeting.” Cousin Shake snatched me from the door and started hugging me. “We were ‘bout to hug it out.”

I looked at my mother and mouthed, “Why did you bring him?”

“Behave,” she mouthed back.

“Must be a northern thang.” Khya sat up in bed. “ ‘Cause y’all don’t believe in letting me sleep late.”

“You don’t need to be sleeping late,” Cousin Shake growled. “Only wild animals sleep late, ‘cause they on the prowl all night.”

“Cousin Shake!” my mother said. “Leave these girls alone. Now you go on in Lil Bootsy’s room and get him situated.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Cousin Shake said as he walked out. “ ‘Cause this boy is slow.”

“Thanks, Ma,” I said, as she walked over to Khya and kissed her on the cheek.

“What is that smell?” we heard Cousin Shake yell, as he walked next door. “Lil Bootsy, is this who you said has been passing rotten gas all year?”

“Two snaps up and a fruit loop!” Courtney screamed. “I know the funk miser didn’t put that on me!”

And the next thing I knew a full-fledged argument ensued. “Oh my Lord.” My mother shook her head. “I can’t take this old man nowhere, not even to a college campus. Miss Minnie is the only one who can put him in check. I wish she was here. I’ll be back, Seven. I need to go and handle this.”

“What is going on over there?” Shae said as she walked out of the bathroom.

I shook my head and all I could say was, “Cousin Shake is here.”

“Oh.” She nodded. “That explains everything.”

“I see you’re dressed and ready to leave us,” Khya said to Shae.

“I couldn’t sleep last night.” Shae sat Indian style on her bed. “Like, we have been through a lot this year.”

“Yeah, we have,” I said, fighting back thoughts of Zaire. “But I guess that’s a part of college life.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Shae said. “But one thing I never want to experience again is an M.I.A. period and that’s for real. I was so happy when my period came I didn’t know what to do.”

“So what are you going to do to make sure that doesn’t happen again?” I asked.

“Well, we decided to chill for a while—unprotected sex just wasn’t worth the risk.”

“I hear that,” I said. “I’ma miss being here though.”

“We’ll be back next year,” Khya said. “And y’all promised to come visit me in Texas.”

“Yeah, you know we will be there.” I smiled. “And I guess all change is a good thing. I mean, I’m finally an English major and stopped fighting against it. And I’m single—”

“Any regrets about that?” Shae asked.

“Lots.”

“What are you going to do about it?” Khya looked at me.

“I don’t know.” I hopped off the bed.

“Well whatever you do, you better do it today,” Khya said. “ ‘Cause this is it.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

As time went on our room was filled with our parents, who were exchanging numbers as we all shed tears and said good-bye. As everyone started moving boxes out of the room, I found myself peeking out the window a little more than usual, I guess hoping to see Zaire … which was crazy considering that I’d sent him away six months ago.

“Seven.” My mother walked over to me, as Khya, Shae, and their parents moved boxes out of the room. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I hunched my shoulders. “I guess.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Ma, let me ask you something.”

“Anything?”

“Did you ever forgive daddy for what he did to you?”

She smiled at me. “Yes.” She nodded. “I did.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Because I found myself upset all the time, unable to forgive, harboring things that I needed to just let go. Why?”

“Well … I had a friend—well, he was more than a friend—and, umm, he lied to me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to tell me what it was? I can push aside being your mama for five minutes.”

I playfully twisted my lips.

“Okay,” she said, “maybe not. Well, tell me this, is the lie something you can forgive?”

“Yeah, and now that I’m not mad anymore I actually understand why he did it.”

“Have you forgiven him?”

“Yes.”

“Does he know that?”

“No.”

“Well then, you have about thirty minutes to figure out what you want to do.” She picked up a box. “Everybody deserves to know they’ve been given a second chance. Now, I’m going to take this out to the car.”

I stood in the center of my empty dorm room and a flood of memories rushed at me, from those that made me smile to those that made me cry and wonder why. I wondered if Zaire would answer his phone—heck was his number even the same? But I guess there was only one way to find out.

I quickly dialed his number before I could think about changing my mind. The phone rang once and I hung up.

“God!” I screamed. “Okay, okay, this is crazy.” I dialed his number again and this time he picked up on the first ring.

“Hello?”

I hesitated. “Zaire?”

“Speaking.”

“This is—”

“I know who this is,” he said, and I could hear a smile in his voice. “How’ve you been?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“The last day on campus, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool, so what do you have planned for the summer?”

“Zaire, I forgive you.” I know that just came out the blue, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“What?” he said, completely caught off guard.

“I forgive you … and I understand why you did what you did. And I know you didn’t mean to put me in any danger.”

“I really didn’t and that’s something that I’ll always regret.”

I couldn’t stop smiling. I leaned against the wall and took a long pause, thinking about what I was supposed to say next. “I love you, Zaire.”

“Wow, are you sure?”

“I’m more than sure.”

“Well, hmph, I’ve waited so long to hear that again.”

“And I guess I’ve waited just as long to say it.”

“Any regrets about that?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“What’s that?”

“That I’m not able to say it to your face.”

“I can arrange that.”

“How?”

“Come outside, ‘cause I’m standing here.”

“What?” I snatched the curtain open and tears raced down my cheeks.
Don’t look now, but I think I’m turning into a cry baby.

I couldn’t get outside fast enough. My family and friends looked at me as if I had lost my mind, as I flew past them and into Zaire’s arms. I felt like I was melting … actually I know I was.

“So how should we do this?” he whispered against my
hair, as I felt his heartbeat against my breasts. “This is your last day on campus.”

“I don’t know, but I don’t want to let you go.”

“I’ll come see you,” he said.

“When?”

“Next month.”

“And until then?”

“I’ll call you every day.” Zaire hesitated. “Are you sure about this?”

“I’m more than sure. I’m in love with you.”

Zaire breathed a sigh and held me closely to his chest. I wanted to be there forever. I never expected my life to be like this or for me to feel that I could ever forgive someone who hurt me, or even love someone besides Josiah … but I guess that’s what being upgraded was all about—loving, learning, expecting the unexpected.