Upgrade U (14 page)

I’m doin’ me …
And this is what I’ma do ‘til it’s over …

—D
RAKE
, “O
VER”

I
’d been at war with my thoughts for a week. It was a struggle not to think about the grenades that exploded in my stomach everyday; but I played it off to the best of my ability. I swear, I was tense all the time; and all I really wanted, more than anything, was to get back to being me … and doing me.

But I couldn’t.

I was this other chick—some fragile and super-sensitive girl who walked on eggshells around her boyfriend, prayed that she said the right things to him, and hoped that the phony smile she shot everybody was believable.

That was me: out of my mind.

I looked over at Shae and Khya and was thankful that the glow of my laptop didn’t wake them; after all I’d been up since three this morning working on Josiah’s paper.

I really didn’t need to give it to him until tomorrow, but given that I was doing everything I could not to face my
problems I found myself with more than enough time to knock this out.

My aim was to be done and out the door before either Shae or Khya got up, which is exactly why I’d dressed for the day hours ago.

Oh, wait, let me back up, ‘cause another new thing the reinvented me had been doing, since the confessional with my friends, was avoiding them whenever possible. Especially Shae. I couldn’t take that her looks said more than her mouth did. And I know she thought I was stupid … and maybe I was … but this was my life and it wasn’t a crime to want to keep my man … or was it?

I typed the closing sentence on Josiah’s paper and saved it on my portable disk drive. Instead of printing it out here, I decided I’d go to the library and do it.

I closed my computer and just as my feet softly hit the floor this is what rocked the air: “Wasuuuuuup! Big Easy, yeah, baby, it’s Big Country on da scene, coming to you all the way from your Stiles U AM dial, bringing your airwaves coffee to ya, baby! Ya heardz me! Now rise and shine, ‘cause it ain’t beans-and-cornbread time—”

“It’s time to wake up,” Shae said as she peeled the covers off of her face and stretched.

All I could do was roll my eyes to the ceiling. So much for my evacuation plan.

“Hey, Seven.” Shae peeked over at me. “You’re dressed already?” She looked at the clock and then back to me. “It’s seven
A.M.
Girl, I feel like I haven’t seen you in days.”

“I know,” I said, purposely keeping it short and curt. I walked over to my desk and packed my backpack.

“I saw you were up late last night,” she continued.

"I was.” Another short and curt answer.

“So what time did you get up and get dressed?”

“A while ago.” I slipped on my Coach sneakers.

“Oh … kay.” Shae cleared her throat. “Why were you up so late?”

“Why are you sweatin’ me with all of these questions?”

“Sweatin’ you?” Shae said, taken aback. “I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing.”

“Well, you are,” I said as bitterness settled on my tongue. “So back up.”

“What did I tell y’all about waking me up like this?!” Khya snapped as she took her pillow and slammed it over her face.

Shae and I both ignored her. I placed my backpack on my shoulder while Shae sat up on the edge of the bed and said, “So what’s really good with you? Why are you acting like this? Is it about Josiah?”

“Look, not today, okay?” I said, pissed off. “Now tomorrow might be a better look, but as for right now, I’m not feeling your comments.”

“You need to check yourself, ‘cause I didn’t do anything to you, and all that bass in your throat you need to give it to your disrespectful boyfriend!”

“Whew, that sounded a lil harsh,” Khya said, snatching the pillow from over her face. “Y’all need to chill, we don’t need to be trippin’ early this morning.”

I ignored Khya, looked at Shae, and said, “Pause.” I gave Shae the warning eye. “Back up, for real, though. ‘Cause, yes, I love my man, but if he was disrespectful to me, which he is not, then I would leave him alone. Puhlease, believe I am not on it like that, okay? So shut it
down. And for your information, not that I owe you an explanation, but me and Josiah are fine, so you can return to your lane.”

“And you need to return to being yourself, forget Josiah, and remember he is not the only boy in the world. Trust.” Shae sucked her teeth. “That’s exactly why, when I saw him the other day, I read him.”

“Boo’yowl!” Khya said. “Shae was all up in his grill!”

I stood stunned and not because Shae had cussed him out, but because nobody told me that all of this had gone on around me. The real me was really MIA, fa’sho'.

“He’s a straight creep,” Shae spat.

“I don’t need you to fight my battles,” I snapped.

“Well, you’re not fighting them.”

“I’ve heard that one before,” Khya said, “ ‘cause that’s the same thing my friend Sharri said to me when I was about to take Jamil back.”

“Fail.” Shae frowned. “We are not going there again, Khya. It’s not about you and Jamil.”

“And it’s not about me and Josiah either.” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh, I believe it is,” Shae insisted, “ ‘cause you know he’s doing his thing.”

For a moment I could’ve sworn that someone had just sliced my throat. “You need to fall back,” I said, tight-lipped. “And what
thing
are you talking about? Josiah would never cheat on me.”

“Would you just face facts? You know he’s capable of cheating, ‘cause he was with Deeyah when he was pushing up on you.”

“And you say that to say what—?”

“Well, how you get ‘im is how you—.”

“That’s a low blow, Shae,” Khya said.

My chest felt like a hot and sharp knife had just sliced through it. I hated that I had to serve her. But there was nothing else left to do, other than to run off and cry because what she said was the truth, and I surely wasn’t about to do that. So I had to black.

“Why are you all up in my neck wit’ it, though? Especially since you will never know what it’s like to walk in my stilettos, okay, so let’s not forget that you were sorting through my leftovers when you chose Big Country.”

“Oh, you wrong for that, Seven!” Courtney screamed as he pounded on the wall. “You owe her an apology.”

“Whatever.” I sucked my teeth. “All I’m saying is that your rah-rah about Josiah, Shae, means nothing to me, ‘cause from where I’m standing you’re not in my league.” I flicked my right hand as if I were performing a magic trick. “Now step off.”

Shae frowned. “Are you serious? The only reason I’m not gon’ put you on a platter and feed you to the wolves is because I know that you’re going through something with Mr. Nothing. But understand this: you aren’t the only one who can straight black. Believe dat. I’ma let you live, but the next time it’s gon’ be a problem.

“And by the way, maybe when you had the chance you should’ve chosen Melvin, instead of throwing such a treasure away. Then you’d know what it’s like to have a real man and not a real disrespectful jerk. But you didn’t do that, and yes, Big County is
now
my boyfriend. And he may not be what you want him to be, but he is everything I want and need. So you don’t have to be feelin’ him, ‘cause I am.”

I clapped my hands sarcastically. “Do you, Shae.” And I
walked out the door with tears bursting at the seams of my eyes, dying to slide down my cheeks.

I did all I could to outrun my thoughts as I raced to the library. Shae and I had never had a fight like that … and I knew I needed my bestie, I just didn’t know how to turn off the defense mode, even with someone who I knew loved me unconditionally.

I was officially losing it.

No seriously.

I am.

I mean … who was I?

Who am I?

Have I really turned into that chick … the dumb chick?

Was Shae right?

Or was she buggin’ and just didn’t understand what it was to be in love with a man like Josiah?

But am I really in love or holding on to what used to be love?

I’m nuts.

Tears streamed down my face as I looked around the library, and knew I needed to get out of here. I walked out to the courtyard and found me a secluded corner.

I needed to talk to somebody. I really did….The problem was I’d just thrown my best friend away. I looked at my cell phone and thought about calling my sister Toi. After all when all else failed there was always family to fall back on, so I took my chances.

“Hello?”

“Toi?” I said, confused, and then I realized it was my mother. I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. I was soooo not in the mood for her probing.

"Seven?” my mother said. “Is that you?”

I sighed. “Hey, Ma.”

“Is everything okay?” she yawned.

“Yeah, it’s okay,” I said with no conviction. I pulled my knees to my chest and wiped the silent tears that slid down my cheeks.

“Oh, okay, are you sure?”

“Yeah. I just, ummm, wanted to ask Toi’s opinion on something.”

“Well, she left for school already and she forgot her phone at home. I saw your number so I answered. She should be home about three.”

“Oh … kay.”

“You sound like something’s wrong. You know you can talk to me, I’ll put being your mama aside for about five minutes.”

I chuckled. “Ma, I’ve heard that a million times and it never works for you.”

“Okay.” She laughed. “Maybe it doesn’t, but I’m willing to try. And since I’m not there to kiss your boo-boos when you fall down, I can at least listen and see if that will make you feel better.”

I needed someone to talk to, but my mom …? I sighed; here I was again, walking into the trap of spilling my guts to my mother. I felt like I could hear my sister screaming,
DON’T DO IT!
But I couldn’t hold this in for another minute. “Me and Shae just had a big argument.”

“Oh you guys will get through it. When you were little”—my mother laughed—“you fought all the time and the next day you two were back to being best friends.”

“I’m not so sure, this time. Like this time was different.”

"Okay, so what’d you two fight about?”

I swallowed. “Josiah.”

“Really?” my mother said and I could imagine her brow rising in the air. Knowing my mom, she’d sat up in bed and clicked her reading lamp on. “What about Josiah?”

“I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“Just say it.”

“Well, you know things are different with me and Josiah. And I’m just so confused.”

“Are they worse than the first time we talked about this?”

I swallowed. “Yes. He doesn’t answer his phone when I’m around. And when I’m not around I can barely get him on the phone. There’s this girl that keeps lurking everywhere. Josiah’s not interested in anything that I have to do, unless he wants some—” I paused—I’d completely forgot who I was talking to.

“Are you sleeping with him?” my mother said, shocked. “Let me tell you something, little girl, you’re playing a grown woman’s game, but you can’t take care of no baby and I’m not! And you better be using protection because AIDS is a roaming bullet with no name!”

“I’m not having any babies! I’m not getting AIDS! And you said you would listen to me!”

I could hear my mother as she swallowed extremely hard. “You’re right. I said I would listen. But I have to ask you this, why are you holding on to him?”

“Because I love him!” I snapped. “I’m just confused about it.”

Surprisingly my mother didn’t address my tone; she simply said, “Love isn’t confusing, it’s quite clear.”

“Being confused is not illegal.”

“Are you confused or in denial?”

“I’m not in denial. Josiah and I love each other.”

“So then, what’s the problem? Live your life and love your boyfriend.”

“Ma, you don’t mean that.”

“No, I don’t, but that’s what you want to hear, and honestly, I’m ready to turn off the listening ear and get to the mama mode. You know what; skip all that, I’ma just get to it. You’re down there in Louisiana playing grown and doing grown-woman things with Josiah, so you need to be able to hold your own. And if you can’t then that’s a clear indication that you don’t need to be sleeping with him.”

“Ma—”

“I’m not done! Now I may not have always been perfect and I know that me and your father’s divorce had more of an effect on you than it did your sister or brother, but one thing that I hope and pray you learned from me divorcing him is that you are your own woman, who doesn’t settle for bullcrap! And no matter how much I want to coddle you, and kiss your boo-boos I have to give it to you straight with no chaser.”

“Ma—”

“I know you wanted me to listen, and I tried, and what I’m saying to you may not be the most politically correct thing, but it’s the truth. Now, you mean to tell me that as beautiful as you are, as talented, and as much as you have going for yourself, that you’re settling for a relationship that is offering you nothing?”

“I’m not settling. I love him.”

“No, you’re in competition with whoever this other little girl is.”

“No, I’m not!”

"Yes, you are and I know it, and you know it! Every woman has been there and the next thing you know you start imagining things; and becoming consumed with stuff that doesn’t even exist and meanwhile he’s off living his life.”

“But I already told Josiah that if he wanted to do his thing then he could step.”

“Seven, baby, he’s only nineteen and most nineteen-year-old boys do not announce to their girlfriends that they are ready to move on, they just do it, and it’s up to you to catch on. What you have to do is take back your power and control.”

“He doesn’t have control over me!”

“Then let him go, Seven. I told you before that you needed to think about taking a break and now I’m straight-out telling you, you need to step away from this relationship. Do you think that Josiah has missed a meal? Do you think he’s losing sleep? Losing any games? No. You don’t need his permission to leave him. Just do it.”

“It’s not that easy to leave. I love him.”

“And that’s all you keep saying, so I’m clear that you love him, but what I’m not clear on is if he loves you. And I’m not saying that Josiah is the worst boy in the world, but I am saying that he is young, and that although he may care about you, it’s obvious that he wants to experience some things without you. Let him. Do you and do you till it’s over. Trust me, it will be okay. Someone else will come along and you will live.”