Up In A Heaval (15 page)

That meant they were close to the bully. It was time to go into combat mode. Umlaut exchanged a glance with Sesame, then they both began their emulations. Sesame slithered off to the side and into the water of the lake, disappearing for the moment; Umlaut jumped up to scale the wall. Meanwhile Sammy and Claire walked around the two sides of the wall and resumed progress, at a slower rate.

A group of fauns & nymphs were playing blindfaun's buff, in the buff of course. Those with their eyes open saw Umlaut. They screamed and fled. Only the nymph with her eyes blindfolded remained. She heard him tramping by and ran to catch him. “I got you!” she exclaimed, feeling all about him with her hands. “And you are—a big hairy ogre!”

“Get she from me,” Umlaut said gruffly.

She pulled up the blindfold and looked at him, to verify her guess. “EEEEE!!” she screamed, with five E's and two exclamation points, which was about as piercing a sound as a sweet creature could make. Then she fled so fast that her cute bottom left its twinkle behind.

Umlaut was satisfied. His emulation was working.

He came up on the bully, who was a tousle-haired sneer with an ordinary body attached. “Bash fully mean bully,” he said in excellent ogreish.

If there was one thing a bully feared, it was a bigger bully, and ogres were the biggest bullies of all. “You'll never catch me!” he cried and turned to run. And stopped, for there was a ferocious dragon behind him.

“Who you?” Umlaut demanded.

Now the bully's knees began to knock. “I'm Chilk, just passing through, not doing nothing to nobody,” he said.

Umlaut made a clumsy ham-fisted grab. “Me squeeze milk from mean Chilk.”

Terrified, Chilk dodged past him and fled in the only direction available, toward the exit of the retreat. Umlaut and Sesame followed just fast enough to keep him running, herding him along. When he tried to pass the bed, a hairy hand shot out and grabbed an ankle. He yelled and lost his balance, toppling into the adjacent pond. Immediately the colorful fins of the loan sharks converged, paced by the questing snouts of the allegories.

Chilk yelled again. Suddenly the sharks and gories halted in the water; they had banged into an invisible wall. But when Chilk tried to climb back out of the pond, Para charged him, threatening to ram him back. He was trapped.

“The next closest bully,” Umlaut told Sammy, and the cats took off. Soon they came to a region on the slope of the adjacent mountain where the orefauns and oreads were playing chase. Every so often one would screech and clap his or her hands to his or her backside. “Hotseat?” Umlaut asked Claire, and she nodded.

Sesame looped around, still emulating a dragon, and Umlaut tramped straight ahead, still emulating an ogre. They closed on the second bully, who was much like the first, identifiable by his “Har har har!” as he burned the bottoms of innocent folk. He seemed especially to like doing it to the nymphs, who did have nice bottoms.

The fauns & nymphs fled the dragon and ogre. The bully saw the dragon first, turned to flee, and almost bumped into the ogre. “Yaaaaa!” he screamed, Which was apparently as close as he could get to a proper eeeeek.

“Who you?” Umlaut demanded. He was beginning to enjoy this role.

“Ogre, sir, I'm Numbo,” the youth replied. “Please don't hurt me!”

“Me beat he seat,” Umlaut said, reaching a ham-hand for him slowly enough so that the boy could escape it.

It worked. Numbo dodged by him and fled toward the retreat exit. They herded him on to the bed and Snortimer reached out to grab his passing ankle and trip him into the pond. They didn't want the bullies to escape, because they might return when the seeming dragon and ogre were gone; they had to be properly dealt with.

This time Umlaut had the wit to do his homework first. “Claire, what's the talent of the third bully we're going after?” It took only about five more questions to ascertain that this one had the talent of manifesting a sword. That was dangerous, because it didn't necessarily appear stationary; it could appear flying toward a person and thus could be lethal against the unwary.

“Can you warn me in time?” he asked Claire. She nodded.

They set off for the third bully. In due course they found him in the dense forest that surrounded the beach, cruelly teasing the dry-fauns and dryads who were playing climb-and-peek there. It seemed that the nymphs would climb the trees, and the fauns would run along beneath them and try to catch good peeks. Umlaut could not afford to admit that he might have liked to play that game himself; he had a job to do.

He came up behind the bully. “Who you?” the ogre demanded.

The bully jumped—and so did Claire, leaping to the side. Umlaut did likewise, and the sword that appeared in midair flew harmlessly by and lodged in the trunk of a tree. Then the head of a dragon appeared and caught the bully by the scruff of the neck. The dragon lifted him into the air and shook him. After that he behaved a bit better. “I'm Jama,” he confessed.

“One more cut, me pulp nut,” the ogre said, raising a ham-fist over the boy's frightened head.

“No more swords,” Jama agreed hastily. Like most bullies, he was a coward.

Sesame dropped him, and they herded him out of the forest and to the bed, where he joined the others in the pool. Three down.

The next was Horsejaw, with the talent of projecting booms. He was easy to locate, by the sound. Boom! Screams. Laughter. Boom! Screams. Laughter. The ogre threatened to lower the boom on him, and he capitulated and joined the others in the pond.

After that came Potipher, with the talent of poison gas. That was dangerous, but of course he didn't care who suffered. Sesame handled this one by emulating a fire-breathing dragon who might set fire to the cloud of gas. Since the gas was part of Potipher's being, the fire would hurt him as it destroyed the gas. He decided to cooperate, and the dragon didn't have to emit any fire. That was just as well, as it would have been beyond Sesame's power of emulation.

Finally there was Zink, with the talent of manifesting mirage holes. They weren't real holes, but they looked real and could really mess up someone who didn't know. The fauns & nymphs were screaming and colliding with each other in their efforts to avoid gaping holes that appeared just before them, while Zink laughed.

Dragon and Ogre cornered him. “Me cajole head in hole,” Umlaut threatened. That set the bully back, because of course the hole wasn't really there; the head would be shoved into rock, dirt, or wood. He soon joined the others in the pond.

Then came the next stage. “We've got them; what do we do with them?” Umlaut asked. “We can't let them go.” Unspoken was the alternative: to let the sharks and allegories have them. Umlaut didn't have the stomach for any such solution.

But Claire Cat indicated that they should not be concerned; soon there would be an answer. Umlaut hoped she was right.

He tried to relax. The others succeeded, but Umlaut watched the fauns & nymphs and found himself fidgeting. He wished he could have fun like that, only with a real girl, one who remembered and had personality. One whose kisses didn't intoxicate him. Maybe an ordinary girl, with no special magic at all, just a fundamental compatibility. Someone as suitable for him as Sesame was for Soufflé, or Claire for Sammy. Someone he might meet while delivering these letters and instantly know she was the One.

Claire nudged him. He snapped out of his daydream, and the corner of his eye saw a mare galloping away. A day mare! He had been given a nice daydream. He was sorry to lose it. But now he had to return to reality. “Yes?”

It was time. In a few questions he learned that the solution to the problem of the disposition of the bullies was at hand, as she had known it would be. That was important news, of course, yet he couldn't help wishing that the day mare hadn't been scared away just yet. Not before she gave him the identity of his dream girl.

They looked across the lake. There was a large man emerging from the water. No, it was a woman. Or, rather, a female centaur, a heavy one. As she walked along the beach the very ground shook.

Claire bounded along the beach toward the centaur, so Umlaut followed. How could a centaur help them? For that matter, how had she used the water route?

They met the centaur about halfway. “Uh, hello,” Umlaut said.

“I am Umlaut.” It was all he could think of, another attack of inadequacy overcoming him. “My talent is emulation.”

“I am Epi Centaur,” she replied. “My talent is quaking, as you may have noticed. I am from the Brain Coral's Pool, on a special mission. Have you seen six callow human youths?”

“Yes! They were making trouble for the fauns & nymphs, so we rounded them up, but we don't know what to do with them.”

“Splendid!” she said. “You have done much of my job for me. They escaped this morning from the pool, where they have been held in storage for up to six decades. They are not nice boys, which is why they were banished to storage. But someone—we suspect a demoness—lured them to a secret exit from the pool, and they followed it to this site. We feared they would have scattered across Xanth by this time and been irrecoverable before causing much mischief.”

“They were causing much mischief here,” Umlaut said. “We had to act. What will you do with them?”

“Return them to storage, of course. They are there for the same reason I am: We represent an inconvenience to the Land of Xanth.” She lifted one forfoot and set it gently down. A quake radiated out from the contact, as if a meteorite had struck there.

Umlaut was surprised. “I can see why the bullies need to be confined. But you're a decent person, aren't you? And if you aren't, why would the Brain Coral let you out?”

Epi smiled. He could tell by her tone; he wasn't looking directly at her, because her front was outstandingly bare. “I do like to think I'm decent, thank you. But I can't walk anywhere on land without shaking the ground, so folk are not eager for my company, especially near their houses. So I am a voluntary resident of the pool. Sometimes I leave to visit the Region of Earth, where quakes are popular, but there aren't other centaurs there, so soon it palls. But thank you for your concern.” She glanced at the pond. “You did a remarkable job rounding up and confining those characters. While I don't wish to seem critical, I wonder how you managed it, since they have some pretty mean talents.”

“I didn't do it alone,” Umlaut said quickly. “My friends Sesame Serpent, Sammy Cat, and Claire Voyant Cat did most of it. Claire knew what to expect of each one, and Sammy knew where to find him, and Sesame emulated a dragon and drove them here to the bed, so Snortimer could grab their ankles and tip them into the pond. I just helped organize it.”

She nodded. Again, he could tell because the ground rumbled slightly. “You're human. I'm surprised you weren't distracted by the nymphs.”

“I was,” Umlaut confessed bashfully. “I freaked out a couple of times, but Sesame nudged me out of it. When I focused on the job I was all right.”

“I don't wish to pry into your private life, but I understand you are looking for a girl.”

Umlaut felt himself blushing. “Uh, how—?”

Epi laughed, and the ground shook hard enough to cause ripples in the nearby water. “Imbri told me. We semi-equines sometimes exchange information.”

“Who?”

“Mare Imbrium the daymare. She brought you a daydream, then decided that I could handle it better.”

“I—I—uh, wasn't looking for a centaur,” he said. “Uh, no offense.”

This time her laugh shook the whole retreat, causing fauns & nymphs to pause in their games and look their way. “Oh, I agree with her! You're perfect. I understand you are delivering letters?”

“The mare told you that?”

“No. I see the bag of them. Do you have one for Rapunzel?”

“Who?”

“I think that answers my question. Then perhaps Grundy?”

He had seen that name. “Grundy Golem. Yes. But I don't know where he lives.”

“As it happens, I do. I believe the pool can help you go there next, if you are amenable.”

He forget himself so far as to look at her and saw that she was amused by his evident difficulty doing that. She was not the first who had been amused by his assorted clumsinesses. Maybe he was good at emulation because he was bad at being himself. “Uh, sure, okay, I mean yes, if we can find the way.”

“Because you have materially helped us, we feel it is only fair to help you in return.” As she breathed, her large breasts jiggled a little, and each jiggle made a ripple radiate out across the ground. “If that is all right with you and your companions,” Epi concluded.

Umlaut realized that he had suffered a minifreakout and not heard part of what she said. If only centaurs wore clothing! He didn't want to embarrass himself even further, so he looked around at the others. Serpent and cats nodded, so it must be all right. “Uh, sure, yes, thank you.”

“Excellent. I will send them out when we return to the pool.” She faced the pond. “Bullies, back to the Brain Coral's Pool. March!” she commanded.

Chilk looked up at her, his eyes rounding as they fixed on her chest; in fact each eyeball reflected one breast. “Make us, booby.” The others endorsed his defiance with crude chuckles as they stared at the same site.

“Uh, we can help you herd them,” Umlaut offered.

“No need.” Epi trod very gently around to the far side of the pond, so that the ground quivered only somewhat. Then she trod firmly. The ground quaked so hard that it cracked open under the pond and the water drained out. The bullies had to scramble to avoid falling into the cracks opening under their feet. In barely two moments they were out of the pond and running ahead of the centaur, who herded them out into the lake. She followed them, and the quakes were muddled by the deepening water. Soon they all disappeared. Evidently the centaur had made it possible for them to breathe the water on the return trip.

So what was next? Umlaut saw that the others were settling down beside Snortimer's bed, composing themselves for a wait. So he settled down similarly, watching the nymphs at their games. Then one came and bounced on the bed, kicking her bare legs high.