Until You Believe Me (24 page)

             
"Ms. Branson, your vows."

             
I cleared my throat and looked directly at Connor. I said a silent prayer for strength before I began.

             
"The day that I met you was not momentous in the moment like it is now. In fact I believe I was slightly ill with you. But then you wrote that first note. Those few words put this world we have created into motion. It was first through your words that I got to understand how good you were. When I think of you the first word is always genuine. You are genuinely good. You are genuinely sweet. I know that about you and I thank heavens everyday that I have been lucky enough to have caught your attention. There was a very long time that I did not believe I deserved good. I didn't believe that love was gentle, or kind or patient. I believed that love could only be shown, that there was no other way to know or to give love. Until I met you and your beautiful eyes. I can look at you and my whole body warms because of the love I see inside of them. You are a better man than you give yourself credit for. And I credit your inspiring father sitting right there for it. I vow to spend every single day for the rest of my life proving to you that you deserve the love that I never thought I did. It was thanks to you that I realized that this is how it is supposed to be. I love who you are and I love who you make me be. In that I promise to be who you need and want everyday for the rest of our lives."

             
Connor grabbed both of my hands and smiled his contagious smile at me. The rest of the ceremony was a blur. I was so focused on the handsome man in front of me that I only came back to earth to hear "You may now kiss the bride."

             
"I've been waiting for this moment forever." Connor whispered as his lips crashed down on mine in the most earth-shattering kiss I had ever experienced.

****

             
The reception was a blur. All I remembered was meeting a lot of people I didn't recognize and dancing.

             
"I can't believe I'm married to the most beautiful woman in the world," Connor whispered into my ear.

             
"I can't believe I'm married to a man with early onset blindness. I guess the plus side of that is I can let myself go earlier than most wives."

             
"Well my, my Mrs. Matthews, haven't you already done that?" His tone was playful and amused as his hand caressed my stomach.

             
"That really is my name now, isn't it? I'm really your wife."

             
"Yes ma'am, no use in denying it anymore." I laughed loudly as he tried to dip me much lower than I had anticipated.

             
"I hope you don't mind but I was wondering if I could cut in." Ben stood next to us, his face lit up with a hint of a smile on his lips.

             
"I do expect you to return her in one piece. I can't bear to be away from my new lovely wife for too long so make it quick." Connor smiled and shook Ben's hand as he went off and swept my mother from her chair and onto the dance floor.

             
"So, this is it. It's done. How do you feel now that you're someone's wife?" Ben wrapped his arms around my waist and I laid my head on his chest.

             
"The same. Just in fancier clothes."

             
"You're truly stunning today Madison."

             
"Thank-you kind sir. It only goes downhill from here."

             
"Does this mean I lose you?"

             
My head shot up from his chest and I looked into his eyes, they were slightly troubled.

             
"What do you mean?"

             
"You've turned into this full grown woman in less than a year. You've gotten an even better job, you've fallen in love, you're married, you're going to have a baby for heaven's sake. You're a real grown up and I'm still stuck just slightly out of awkward adolescence. So do I lose you now because we're at different phases?"

             
"You could never lose me Ben. I'll always be there for you and lord knows I'm going to need you. This sounds more like eligible bachelor Ben is ready for something new."

             
Ben shrugged his shoulders and a smile twitched at the corners of his mouth.

             
"I want to look at someone like he looks at you. I want someone to follow me blindly into anything because they love me. I've never felt it Madison. I think I want it."

             
I kissed his cheek and laid my head back on his chest.

             
"You'll find it. You just need to be looking for the right thing."

             
"That's where my mindset is changing, I always thought I was looking for the right thing. Though strangely enough those women aren't quite as classy as you."

             
"You'll be ok Ben. I'm not going anywhere."

             
He hugged me to him tightly as the song ended.

Chapter 28

             
The clock said 2:45. Painfully each minute ticked by. It seemed I would never make it through the night. Another sleepless night. It was hard to get comfortable at this point. I could barely turn over to get comfortable. Connor was sleeping soundly right next to me. He was sweet as could be during the day but the moment his head hit the pillow I ceased to exist. I smiled as I traced his name on his back with my finger. I had just reached that moment when you are about to fall asleep when I felt the most exquisite pain I have ever known. I couldn't help but cry out and Connor immediately awoke and was looking at me nervously.

             
"Madison, you ok?" His voice was gravelly but alert.

             
I couldn't speak. I had maneuvered myself into a makeshift fetal position. The pain was intense and no words were coming to mind to speak. Connor turned on the bedside light and watched me for a moment.

             
"Madison, I think we need to go. Can you walk?"

             
I nodded my head as I struggled to get off the bed. Connor dressed me in my robe and grabbed our bags that had been packed for weeks already. The drive to the hospital was quiet, but I could practically feel him humming with emotion. His hand never left mine, squeezing it and rubbing the back of it with his thumb.

             
This was it. It was really happening. The culmination of so much was finally here. I was scared as hell. I didn't think any other emotion existed inside of me at this moment. Connor finally stopped the car outside of the ER door at the hospital.

****

             
I awoke to the sound of beeps and something warm wrapped around my left hand. I turned my head to the side, very groggily and saw Connor asleep in a chair next to my bed. The beeping belonged to many monitors scattered about the bed.

             
"Connor?" I whispered and shook his hand, he immediately snapped awake.

             
"Baby, you're awake. How are you feeling?" He kissed my forehead and caressed my cheek.

             
"Tired. Sore." Connor chuckled at that.

             
"You're ok. They had to give you some drugs. They were a little concerned about the oxygen the baby was getting so they did a C-section. All is well. They are monitoring him, but he is perfectly healthy."

             
"Him."

             
"Yes, him."

             
I nearly asked Connor if he looked like him but stopped before the words came out of my mouth.

             
"I can't believe you Madison. You did it. You made it all this way."

             
"Not without you I wouldn't have." And with that I felt myself drift off to sleep.

****

             
"What time will you be home?" I nervously asked.

             
"As soon as I can baby. They're just killing me with all these drawings. They keep changing their mind. I'm sorry. I know this week has been crazy, but I'll be there as soon as I can."

             
"Ok." Without another word I hung up.

             
My mother stayed with me for the day and would return home each evening. She helped me to get around and with the baby. It was a blessing, especially with Connor working lots of overtime in the two weeks we had been home. He was supposed to be taking time off but it ended up being impossible with an impending deadline and unforeseen complications. I reluctantly made a sandwich for dinner and ate alone at the kitchen island. I had put Johnathan down right before so I would hopefully be able to eat in peace.

             
I closed my eyes on the couch after my so called dinner and woke up to the sound of crying. I quickly ran to the crib and fed and rocked my precious baby boy. It was a joy feeling this little warm baby in my arms and the extreme amount of emotion I felt for him brought me to tears almost daily. It was past eleven by the time I got him back down and heard the garage door open.

             
Connor walked in, looking worn and ragged. Similar to how he now looked much of the time.

             
"Where have you been?"

             
"Madison don't start this shit please. I'm exhausted."

             
"If you were exhausted you probably should have come home."

             
"I was working, I'm busy, I can't help that."

             
He searched in the fridge for something to eat and pulled out leftovers from the night before.

             
"I miss you Connor." My voice dropped the angry tone and I looked at the man who I haven't been able to recognize for the past couple weeks.

             
"Madison, I miss you too. I'm sorry. I have things that I need to take care of and this whole project is a big fucking mess." He sighed and stabbed his fork into the plastic container.

             
I couldn't help it, I had been holding it in for weeks and adding that to already crazy hormones threw me into a sobbing fit.

             
I heard his sigh and closed my eyes at the slight pain that noise caused me.

             
"Why are you crying Madison?"

             
"Because I don't know who you are right now Connor. We've had the most incredible time since the wedding. I don't want to say this but the truth is since the baby came home you've been MIA. I want to chalk it up to coincidence, but I don't know."

             
Connor bent over the counter and put his head in his hands.

             
"I can't be everywhere Madison. I can't do seventy things at once."

             
"Then do the thing that matters, be with your family."

             
"This isn't a family." He yelled and immediately covered his face.

             
The words and the fact that he yelled paralyzed me. Tears silently traveled down my face as I looked at him. My heart was like a piece of glass shattering into a million pieces. I almost felt like I had to wrap my arms around myself to keep it from coming apart.

             
"Madison, that's not what I meant."

             
Still no words could come. What did he mean this was not his family?

             
He threw the container in his hands into the sink and pounded on the counter.

             
"God dammit I can't do this. I can't be here and see that everything I do hurts you."

             
"Then stop hurting me." My voice had returned in the form of a hoarse whisper.

             
"You don't get it. I can't get over it. I can't stop seeing him, touching you. With his hands pressed against the wall on either side of your head. His body pressed against yours. Everytime I think of him I lose my mind. And every time I think I can handle it, I can't bear to see the evidence of what he's done to you." He hung his head, his body shaking.