Until You Believe Me (18 page)

             
"That's probably it. That would explain a lot. I just want him to be ok and I want it to be something I can do for him that makes him ok. He saves me everyday." I took a couple books from the box and reached to put them on the shelf. I nearly dropped the phone when something caught my eye. "Ma, let me call you back." Before I even let her answer I ended the call and put my phone on the desk.

             
It couldn't be right. There was no way it was already the end of the month. The calendar on the wall had to be lying. I knew time was passing quickly, but that seemed like a long time. I pulled up the calendar on my phone and went back a month. There it was, the symbol that made my heart drop into my stomach. According to last month I was already three weeks late, that couldn't be.

             
The next hour passed in a whirlwind. I threw on moderately respectable clothes and went in and out of the drug store like a bat out of hell. I sat shaking in the bathroom. Those five minutes seemed to last at least three hours. All four sticks sat on the counter. I glanced at my phone every 10 seconds, waiting for the five minute mark. Finally, the clock turned and I took a deep breath. I didn't release it until it came out in one big sob.

             
What in the world was I going to do? This couldn't be right. Could four tests be wrong? How was it possible? I knew I had put off going to the doctor, but Connor had always been so careful not to forget. I was almost certain he never forgot.

             
"Holy shit, what am I going to do?" I knew nobody could hear me, but I had to get it out in the air.

             
"Madison, you ok in there?" Connor was standing outside the door, his voice making me jump. I immediately began gathering boxes and plastic sticks into the plastic bag they had arrived in. Shit, he was home. I needed to process this, I was much too freaked out to have to see him.

             
"I'm, um, I'm fine. Just tidying up. Gonna take a shower. I'll be out in a little bit." I tried to make my voice sound as strong as possible, but I knew it had cracked once or twice.

             
"Alright, if you're sure you're alright. I brought home some  doughnuts from the bakery."

             
I turned on the shower. I couldn't speak anymore. I was frantic and I was way into panic mode. I stripped down and spent a second examining myself in the mirror. Did I look fatter? That's impossible. I had a period just six weeks ago.

             
I quickly climbed in the shower and sat on the seat inside. What the hell, this has got to be a nightmare. How was I ever going to tell Connor that, hey, we are barely moved in and we haven't even started planning a wedding, but uh surprise, you're gonna be a dad! There's no way. We had talked about kids, and agreed we both wanted some but that was years in the future. Connor was much too busy and I was just getting my legs stretched in my own career. Oh goodness, the job! How in the hell was I going to have a baby when I just got this new position? This had to be fake. A dream. This happened in cheesy Lifetime movies, this wasn't my life. I would have planned my exact due date if it were up to me. My life didn't have surprises, especially not growing human being ones.

             
I was so stupid. I had canceled my appointment last month because of the move and hadn't rescheduled. I knew I had to go, and I had planned to ask to be put on the pill, but I hadn't made time. Dammit, it's my fault. It's my fault I put it in someone else's hands. I didn't blame Connor, of course. I just liked to be in control, and if I were in control this wouldn't have happened. I was so stupid.

             
I sat there for a few more minutes, thinking about what possible reasons there could be that this was not real, but none came to mind. I figured Connor would be looking for me soon so I quickly washed my hair, rinsed and turned off the water.

             
I stuffed the plastic bag with some toilet paper and tissues so that you couldn't see through it and tied it tightly. I slid on my bathroom and opened the door. Good, Connor wasn't waiting in the bedroom for me.

             
I went into spy mode. Checking around corners before I walked down hallways. I amazingly made it to the door leading out to the garage and put the bag in the trashcan.

             
"What are you doing?" Connor's smooth voice was right behind me and made me jump about three feet high.

             
"Shit, you scared me. That's nothing, I just cleaned up the bathroom. Just some trash." I tried to calmly breathe. I closed the door behind me and plastered the first smile I ever had to fake with him on my face.

             
"I'm sorry. Come eat. I saved you a few bites." Connor smiled brightly and took my hand. Leading me into the kitchen. I sat at the island at the place he had set for me. A delicious looking doughnut, a cup of coffee and some yogurt.

             
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. "You're beautiful. It really should be illegal to look like you." His hands tried to wander into my robe, but I shook him off.

             
"Uh, this looks really good." I took a big bite of the doughnut and the moment the sweetness hit my tongue I knew it was not going to go down. My stomach immediately turned over, warning me what would happen if I swallowed that bite. I chewed without swallowing.

             
"Hey, why don't you go look at what I did in the office, see if you like it," I said through my mouthful of now soggy doughnut.

             
Connor started walking toward the office and I leapt from the stool and spit the doughnut into the garbage.

             
"Now I'm practically begging for the damn flu."

             
"That looks good. I think the bookcases will fit well there." Again, I slightly jumped at the sound of his voice.

             
His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me. "Baby, you doing ok? You're awful jumpy. Did you have a nightmare?" He was immediately by my side, his hands on either side of my face. He was looking at me with those glassy, concerned and beautiful eyes. I couldn't help thinking that I hoped a baby would have those eyes. I quickly dismissed that thought.

             
"No, I'm fine. Promise." At the sound of my promise his eyes went back to playful and electric.

             
"My dad was asking about you. He wanted to know where my pretty lady was. I told him that the pretty lady would be seeing him later this week. I've known him for over thirty years, and he can't remember who I am. He knows you for what? Two months? And he's begging for you to come. See the effect you have on people of all ages?" He smiled at me, showing me he was just playing and wasn't really upset.

             
That smile, and those eyes and his carefree attitude made my eyes burn with tears. How could I tell him that I was about to end his world? What would he say? What would he do? The possibilities of the last question ran through my mind and I almost broke down right there.

             
"Madison, I can see that there is something wrong. Did I do something? If I did something to upset you, please tell me. I never want to hurt you." There was the glass again, the furrowed brows, a sad look on a beautiful face. I couldn't hold the dam any longer.

             
I erupted into a fit of sobs, leaning over the island. I couldn't breathe. I felt my hands start to go numb and my chest felt like a million pond. I was drowning, and heavy, and I couldn't get above water.

             
"Madison, what's wrong. Breathe sweetheart. Take a deep breath." One of his hands was wrapped around mine and the other was scooping me from the chair and carrying me into the living room. We sat on the couch as he rocked me in his lap. Rubbing my back, whispering that he loved me and I needed to breathe. After A few minutes I felt the tension in my chest release and I was suddenly completely exhausted. I fought a losing battle with my eyes and they finally won, covering my world in darkness.

Chapter 22

             
The room was brightly lit with the midday sun. My eyes opened and immediately landed on Connor, who was asleep with his head back against the couch. I was still fully in his lap and his arms were locked tightly around me. The moment he felt me stir his eyes popped open and settled on my face.

             
"Hey baby, how are you?" His hand was stroking my hair.

             
"Better." I felt utterly comfortable and content. The little thought in the back of my mind, I pushed back and wouldn't let it break through. I wanted to be here with Connor, like this, like normal. We had just got normal and I wasn't about to take it away yet.

             
"You had me scared to death sweetheart. What was that about?" His voice was barely a whisper.

             
"I'm not sure. I just couldn't breathe and then I couldn't talk."

             
"Madison, I can look at your face and know something is wrong. Please don't hide from me. Again, I mean no harm by this, but you're not exactly an open book. I need you to let me in once and awhile."

             
He was right, of course. I knew about my emotional shortcomings. He had known about them too, very early in our relationship. Hell, we were still very early in our relationship and here I was, about to throw something too serious into a young relationship.

             
I crawled off of his lap and stood in front of the couch. Was I really going to do this? Was I really going to tell him news that I had only been living with for about three hours now? His face was so serious and covered in genuine concern. I knew not knowing was hurting him, I hated to hurt him. But would this hurt more?

             
"Connor, I need to tell you something, extremely serious. It is not something I've had much time to process, but I feel like you deserve to know." He was sitting up, giving me his undivided attention.

             
"Are you leaving me?" His question was so matter-of-fact and direct that I almost felt as if he had physically wounded me. Here I was terrified to tell him about something we had already talked about, albeit not for our immediate future, but it was a positive conversation. Yet Connor was thinking a different direction completely. Worse than his directness was his face. He looked broken. His eyes were sad, his face was etched with lines of worry and sadness.

             
"Of course not. Connor, never, literally, never is that going to happen." I spoke so urgently, trying to will away the pitiful look on his face. He visibly relaxed though was still extremely serious.

             
"Then I can handle anything else you have to say. That is the only thing I could not survive." I closed my eyes and tried to hold myself together. Now was not the time for him to be sweet.

             
"Connor, I think that I'm pregnant." I closed my eyes, hoping that would magically soften the blow. After a few seconds of silence I cautiously opened them.

             
Connor was still in the same spot, sitting still like a statue. I searched his face for some sort of sign of his reaction. The worry was gone, the sad puppy eyes were gone. It was just utter stillness.

             
"Connor?" I was starting to panic. I had expected a fit, yelling, loud bangs, not stillness and silence.

             
"Who?" I was confused by the word for several seconds. How was that a valid reply? Then finally it clicked what he meant.

             
"You've got to be fucking joking. You, you asshole. How dare you ask that." I went from nervous to infuriated in 3.4 seconds. I had never spoken to him that way but then again he had never utterly insulted me.

             
"That's impossible. It's impossible Madison. I have never forgotten. Not once. I know for a fact. I was trying to avoid this exact situation. So I'll ask again, who?" His eyes were like stone. I had never seen this look from him. There wasn't a twinkle of any emotion on his face. I wanted to scream, the first time had stung, the second time was utterly soul destroying.

             
"You're an ass Connor. I'm here, telling you about this ordeal that I've known about for less than 4 hours and you're asking me who I cheated on you with. Fuck you. It's no wonder I have never been able to let my guard down in my life with how understanding the whole asshole male species is." I walked from the room, anger replacing my worry two hundred percent. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed my purse from off of the dining room table. I dug around for my keys as I walked back out of the kitchen to the other side of the living room, to the door leading out to the garage. I whipped around when I felt a hand grab my upper arm. Immediately he snapped his hand back to his body and his eyes were soft once again.