Until You (39 page)

Rising to his feet, Nicholas swayed drunkenly for a moment, before turning to Alex.  “I have to go,” he uttered hoarsely. 

Nicholas sat in silent agony throughout the seemingly endless ride back to his townhouse, consumed with loathing and self-hatred.  How could he have been so blind, so stupid?  Ashleigh wasn't like the other women he’d known, she never had been and she never would be, he knew that now and perhaps he always had, despite his constant efforts to deny it.  He recalled the night he’d taken her virginity in the library.  It had been a profound experience.  She had given him her innocence without hesitation or restraint.  She had given everything, held nothing back and demanded nothing in return, yet he had heartlessly cast her aside.  Dear God, how many times had he hurt her?  Too many to count, he realized with sickening clarity.  

When his carriage finally rolled to a stop before his elegant brick home, Nicholas stepped down and made his way up the sweeping stone steps.  As soon as he entered the front hall, he knew something was wrong.  The house was deathly quiet and one of the footmen from
Sethe
Manor was standing in the large foyer.  A sense of impending doom hovered in the air and Nicholas felt his chest constrict in fear. 

 “Chester has brought a message from your grandmother, Your Grace,” Thomas informed him needlessly, holding out a creamy white envelope.  

Nicholas reached out and took the envelope from his outstretched hand, and then turned and walked swiftly into his study, closing the door behind him.  He stood for several long moments, staring down at the pristine white envelope that bore his grandmother's refined penmanship.  Taking a deep breath, he broke open the wax seal and unfolded the single sheet of thin white parchment that rested within.  Anxiously he scanned his grandmother's words, reading the note twice before the bleached paper slipped from his fingers and fluttered to the carpet.

“Have my horse saddled at once,” Nicholas shouted as he exited his study and ran up the stairs, taking the steps two at a time in his haste to reach his bedchamber.  He took just enough time to change into his riding clothes before he was rushing back down the stairs and out the front door.  His horse had just been brought around and Nicholas wasted no time leaping into the saddle.  Within seconds he was away.

At first she wasn’t sure what woke her.   It wasn’t morning, for her bedchamber was still shrouded in darkness, lit only by the moon’s faint glow and the dim firelight from the hearth.  Then she heard it, the sound that must have roused her from her sleep.  It was low, steady breathing, almost but not quite a snore, coming from the side of the bed.  The maid who’d come to sit with her must have fallen asleep she realized.  Turning her head, Ashleigh looked to the chair that had been pulled close to her bedside and froze.  Nicholas, looking rumpled and disheveled, sat within the depths of the high-backed armchair, his head resting against the shallow corner as he slumbered.

How long had he been there?  And why had he returned?  Had he somehow discovered the truth about the note and her uncle, or had he come only because of Madeline’s summons?  Question after question flitted through her mind.  She stared at his face, so tranquil in slumber, so different from the last time she’d seen it.  She watched him for a long time as he slept, pondering her future, their future.  When he opened his eyes, would they be filled with remorse, or would they still reflect only bitterness and contempt?  Either way, it hardly mattered.  If he did not yet know the truth, he would learn it soon enough, but even so, she knew that it would not change anything, for she didn’t need his
contrition
, she needed his love. 

With her emotions in turmoil, she continued to watch him for several more minutes.  Even tousled and unkempt, he was glorious to behold.  She didn’t hate him for what he’d done.  She didn’t think that she could ever hate him.  And of course, she could forgive him, in fact, she already had.  But she understood now, finally, that a future with Nicholas could never be.  He had been hurt too deeply.  He would never allow himself to love her, she could see that now.  As much as it saddened her, she knew that it was time to let go of her dreams, for honestly, how many more fractures could her heart withstand before it shattered completely?   

Finally, turning her head, she closed her eyes and sought to come to terms with the crushing weight of her grief.  Not long after, Nicholas stirred, but Ashleigh deliberately kept her eyes closed and her breathing steady and even.  She wasn’t ready to face him.  Her emotions were still too raw.

Sitting up, Nicholas immediately glanced toward the bed and saw that Ashleigh still slept.  He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but apparently he had been unable to fight the heavy pull of his lids in the dark, quiet room.  Now, looking at Ashleigh, knowing his child still had a tenacious hold on life, he should have felt relieved, and he did, but what he felt more than anything was the excruciating anguish of just how much he had lost.  By his own hand, he had cost himself the most precious gift he had ever been given.  Ashleigh with her kindness, her recklessness, her beauty and intelligence, and her pure forgiving heart, was the most incredible woman he had ever known, but he had allowed his past to blind him to the truth.  He’d hurt her so many times, and yet time and again she had absolved him of his sins.
 
And why?
 
Because she loved him.  She had always loved him.  He knew that now, now that it was too late, now that he’d lost her forever because of his own idiocy.  He didn’t deserve her, he never had and he never would.  And now he had to live with that realization for the rest of his miserable life. 
That
was what he deserved.

Pushing himself forward to the edge of the chair, he looked down upon the only woman he had ever loved, for he recognized now that his feelings for Melissa had been nothing at all compared to what he felt for Ashleigh.  He hadn’t even known what love was until Ashleigh had entered his life.  “I’m so sorry,” he began, knowing she didn’t hear him, but needing to say the words, “for everything that I have ever done to hurt you.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me, but I was too blinded by my own stubbornness and stupidity to recognize it.”
 
Slowly he shook his head from side to side.  “You deserved so much better, and for that, I will never forgive myself.”  Rising from the chair, he stood looking down upon her for several seconds, his pain nearly unbearable.  Dragging in a ragged breath, he reached out to touch her hair, but then pulled his hand away, afraid that he would wake her.  “I love you Ashleigh, more than you will ever know,” he said quietly.
 
Then he turned to walk away. 

His voice was whisper soft, but Ashleigh heard every word. 
No, please don’t do this to me; don’t give me hope,
she thought as fear washed over her in a powerful wave.  She felt as if an enormous weight was pressing upon her chest as she heard him turn to leave, and she struggled to draw air into her lungs.  
Let him go
, the rational part of her cried,
it’s too late
, but her traitorous heart refused to listen.  Opening her eyes, she turned toward him.  His back was to her as he moved toward the door.

“Nicholas, don’t go.”

Nicholas froze, his hand outstretched toward the brass doorknob.  For a moment he didn’t move, but then slowly he turned back toward the bed.

As he turned, Ashleigh was stunned to see the track of a lone tear upon his face, a single glistening path that ran the length of his left cheek.

Their eyes met, and for a moment Nicholas could hardly breathe.  “Ashleigh…I…”

“I love you too,” she said simply, though her eyes spoke volumes.

Dazed, Nicholas could only stare into her beautiful green eyes in disbelief.  Walking slowly to the side of the bed, he dropped to his knees before her.

Lifting her hand, Ashleigh placed it lightly against his cheek, her eyes never leaving his.  As she watched in wonder, another tear slipped from the corner of his eye.  With the pad of her thumb, she softly brushed it away.

Despite her confinement, and the vile-tasting medicine she choked down six times a day, the days following Nicholas’ return were by far the happiest days of Ashleigh’s life.  Nicholas spent as much time with her as he could, and with her newly devoted husband at her side, her mandatory bed rest was actually far from torturous.  Though she still had the occasional moment when she wondered if she was dreaming, Nicholas was always quick to assure her that she wasn’t, and to tell her how much he loved her.  It was as close to heaven as she had ever been. 

Having just bathed, Ashleigh slipped a clean nightdress over her head and then made her way back to bed.  She glanced at the bottle on her nightstand, grimacing slightly as she slid under the covers, for it was almost time to take another dose of the foul concoction.  She would gladly do it however, for she hadn’t had any more of the frightening contractions since Dr.
Ainsley’s
first visit.  He’d been back to check on her twice since then, and seemed relatively confident that her pregnancy was no longer in immediate jeopardy.

“Is there anything else I can do for you, Your Grace,” Annie asked, once Ashleigh was settled.

“No Annie, thank you.  I think I’ll just read for a while,” she said, reaching for the book she’d tossed to the other side of the mattress earlier that morning.  Nicholas would come and sit with her later, but currently he was downstairs, busy attending to estate matters.

When Searle St. John arrived at
Sethe
Manor later that day, he was outraged, and justifiably so.
 
For as he’d told Nicholas just after barging into his study five minutes earlier, within a half-hour of his ship’s arrival in port he’d been hailed by an acquaintance and congratulated on his granddaughter’s marriage to the Duke of
Sethe
.

“Dammit man,” he said now, glaring at Nicholas as they stood facing each other.  “Give me one good reason I shouldn’t kill you where you stand.”

“Because I love her, more so than I could ever put into words,” Nicholas said, his tone conveying his utter sincerity.

Searle studied Nicholas’ face for several long seconds and gradually his expression became less hostile.  “By God, you’d better,” he said at last.

“I know that my behavior was inexcusable, and for that I give you my most sincere apology.”  He met the earl’s gaze without flinching, hoping he could see the truth and earnestness in his gaze.  “I will spend the rest of my life doing whatever I can to make amends.  I can only hope that someday you will be able to forgive me.”

Sighing, Searle regarded Nicholas intently.  “Just make my granddaughter happy.”

“I swear to you, I will.”

“I think you’d better fix me a drink,” Searle said, dropping into a nearby chair.  “Clearly you and I have some things to discuss.”

“Grandfather!” Ashleigh exclaimed in surprise when Searle was unexpectedly shown into her bedchamber.
 
“You’re back!”  Tossing the bedcovers aside, she rose from the bed and rushed into his outstretched arms.

“Ashleigh, my darling, I have missed you so,” he said, pulling her into his tight embrace.

“I’ve missed you too,” she said, as tears of joy fell from her eyes.  “So much!”  Leaning back she looked into his beloved face as tears streaked unheeded down her own.

“I hope these are happy tears,” he said with a soft smile as he took her face in his hands and brushed his thumbs across her wet cheeks.

She nodded.
 
“Very happy tears.”

“Good, then back into bed with you young lady,” he said, releasing her from his arms and turning her gently back toward the bed.  “I have been told that you are on strict bed rest for the next several days.”

Climbing back into bed, Ashleigh chewed upon her lower lip, suddenly apprehensive as she pulled the covers up over her and her grandfather settled into the chair at her bedside.  “I’m so sorry Grandfather,” she said, her voice little more than a whisper as she turned to face him.   “I know how disappointed in me you must be.”

“I am not disappointed in you Ashleigh, never think that.  You are my pride and joy, and you always will be.”

She smiled, grateful for his unfailing love and support.

“Though I am certain I already know the answer, I shall ask the question anyhow.”  He pinned her with his steady gaze.  “Do you love him Ashleigh?” 

“More than anything in the world,” she told him honestly.

“I hope you know that the only thing I have ever wanted was for you to be happy my dear.”

“I do.”

He smiled, his eyes filled with love.  “If Nicholas Leighton makes you happy, then I am happy.”

“Thank you, Grandfather.  That means more to me than anything else ever could.”

“Of course, since I was deprived of giving you away at your wedding, I shall expect my first great-grandchild to be named after me,” he said with a teasing wink.

“You have my word,” Ashleigh replied, smiling fondly as she laid her hand upon her stomach.  “Unless it’s a girl of course.”

“Come in,” Nicholas called in response to the knock upon the door of his study.  Had Searle concluded his visit with Ashleigh so soon he wondered?  But it was Hawthorne who opened the door.