Until There Was You (19 page)

Nate: Thanks for today. Goodnight.

Abel: Gooodnight.

Nate put his phone back in his pocket and picked up his backpack. He opened the door and walked into the kitchen, switching on the coffee pot. The light in the room was muted so that everything looked shadowy, as if Nate had entered some other world where there was only him, a faint hint of moonlight, and the familiar sound of the water boiling. It felt weird and soulful. He made some tea and carried it carefully to the bedroom door. As he put his free hand on the doorknob, he was surprised to hear his father's voice on the other side. He put his ear to the cool wood in an effort to hear better.

"Bailey, you know some bad things happen in life. They happen to everyone. And that's okay. It feels really awful when it's happening, but then you wake up the next day and it doesn't feel so awful. Each day makes it feel better. And you just have to get up, put on your big-boy pants and be a man. Because the way you can tell if someone is cool is by how strong they are when bad things are happening. And you want to be a cool guy. Do you understand?"

"I think so." Nate felt like he was going to melt on the floor when he heard Bailey's quiet, tired voice.

"So what are we going to do?"

"Get up everyday and be a cool man."

"Exactly. Goodnight, Bailey."

"Goodnight, Granddad."

Nate jumped back when the door handle moved quickly beneath his palm. He let go quickly, like had touched something hot, and stepped back, almost bumping into the wall behind him. He looked down at the carpet, his eyes focusing in on a patch of spilt tea.

"I'm sorry. You took me by surprise," Nate mumbled as he tried to regain his composure.

"It's fine, Nathaniel." Bernard walked through the corridor and towards his own bedroom.

"Oh… Dad?"

"What?"

"Thank you for talking to Bailey. I think he's going to need all the help he can get. From all of us."

"Go to sleep, Nathaniel." Bernard's words seemed to linger in the space, even after he had exited the hallway.

How to Dig Yourself Out of a Hole

Two weeks later

"I like going to the café with you, Dad. I know that we don't know when Papa is coming back, but when he does, I think he will love it here. It's so strange, they don't even have any bacon!" Bailey's words were meandering chatter that Nate had gotten so used to over the years. Nate looked both ways, trying to ignore the sting of the word papa, and then pulled Bailey behind him as they crossed Main Street towards Emma's place. "Dad, I think I want to be vegan." They'd been doing this every morning for the last week and had settled into a comfortable rhythm.

"Okay. We can definitely look into that. I'm sure Emma has all kinds of tips for you."

"I like almond milk. I like hemp milk. I like all of the milk Emma uses."

"Me too."

"Why isn't bacon vegan?" Bailey asked happily.

"Because it's made from pig."

"From
pig!
That is it. We're all becoming vegan like Emma. I'm going to tell Nan and Granddad when I get home. I'm going to throw away all the meat." Bailey sounded determined.

"I'm not sure that Granddad would like to become a vegan, Bay."

"We all have to do thing that we don't want to do! Granddad says that all the time!"

"You're right. He does. You should definitely talk to Dad about becoming vegan," Nate said, opening the door to the café and guiding Bailey through carefully.

"Hi, Bailey. Hey, Nate," Emma said brightly, beaming as she poured hot water into two big mugs and then pushed some kind of beetroot juice along the counter. Nate watched as Bailey grabbed the drink and started gulping it down. Nate took his mug from Emma and sat down at their usual table, which was already covered in papers and folders.

"Emma, can I please get the activity books from the back?" Bailey asked angelically.

"Of course, you know where they are. We shouldn't be very long today," Emma replied.

"Oh. Emma, did you know that I'm going to make my whole family vegan?" Bailey added, standing proud.

"Really? That's great."

"I know."

"I can't even imagine what my dad's face will be like when Bay storms into his house and demands that he get rid of all his meat. He has barely spoken to me since I've gotten back—and can you blame him? I've practically co-opted his house, brought down a hailstorm of drama, and now his grandson is basically the CEO of PETA. My dad hunts, for god's sake." Nate kissed Emma's cheek.

"I don't know much about your dad. But I think it's exciting to have your life shaken up a bit. I can't imagine that there's ever a dull moment with Bailey around. He's like the coolest kid around, and so eloquent!" Emma shuffled some papers around and put them in some kind of order that Nate didn't understand.

"I don't know. I don't know
anything.
I'll tell you what will make me feel better: Why don't you hit me with some more information about my financial ruin? That always put a spring in my step," Nate added sarcastically.

"Actually, I think everything is looking okayish. I've spoken to your bank and told them that you don't want any transactions going in and out of the joint account with your name on them. Which, can I remind you, most normal people would have done before doing
literally anything else
?"

"May I remind you that I have never been accused of being normal and have about as much financial sense as a young child?" Nate replied before taking a sip of his drink.

"Oh, believe me, I've looked through all the paperwork Jack sent over—I know. So we can't close the account because we need both named parties to provide their signature and Jack still can't reach Joshua. But I have taken all the money out that you deposited and put it in the checking account that we set up on Monday. It's set up at the bank here, but you can reregister anywhere.

"You have two savings accounts in your name: both of them have a couple of thousand dollars in them and you can access the money any time, so you might want to open one new one and pool your assets. You'll get more interest based on one lump sum than a bunch of smaller ones." Emma's voice had turned professional.

Nate nodded his head, looking at the pieces of paper that Emma passed over to him and trying to look like he knew what the numbers meant. "We set up a college fund for Bailey just after he was born. I know I put money into it most months. I think that Josh and I opened it together. Is that still there?"

"Yeah. I saw that. It's still there. If Bailey wants to access it before he turns eighteen, he will have to get both of your signatures to release any funds. So obviously you'll have to track Joshua down if that happens. But it's safe, nothing can happen to it, and you can still contribute to it whenever you like. Bailey's future seems pretty secure to me. You've put a lot of money into it. And let's face it, Bailey is destined for Harvard." Emma switched from her financial advisor voice to her friend one.

"Jesus, can you imagine him as a lawyer? People would admit to the crime straight away, just to stop him asking any more questions. Even if they hadn't done it." Nate laughed and brightened when he heard Emma join him. He looked over at Bailey, who was sitting on one of the big stools by the counter, concentrating on a word search, his face fixed into an expression of concern and absorption.

"Nate, I think that everything's going to be okay. You have a clean break from the business and the house is being dealt with. You have a fresh start now. When your next book contract comes in, you'll be able to provide Bailey with a comfortable life. A good life. You'll have the resources to rent somewhere nice and money won't be on your mind all of the time." Emma spoke quietly, so that Bailey's interest wouldn't be piqued.

"Thank you for all of this. I know that it took you a long time and I know how difficult it is to run a business by yourself. What time are you opening up today?" Nate asked, giving up on the pieces of paper and stacking them away.

"Eight-thirty, like normal. Did Abel ask you about lunch?" Emma asked brightly.

"He did. I spoke to him on the phone last night. Mom is going to take Bailey to the library this afternoon—she wants to show him off to her friends at the readers' group, and I'm going to come over when I've dropped him off with her. Is oneish okay?"

"Perfect. I have some organic, locally sourced burdock wine we can drink to celebrate your newfound financial prowess." Emma grinned and Nate felt himself copy her.

''Yeah. I'm a real money whizz now." Nate rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna take Bailey around the shops; he's been so good about everything. We have our difficulties, and I think he's trying hard to cover up how scared and angry he is. He asks about Joshua all the time. But I've explained that I don't really have any answers and I've reassured him that I'll let him know the minute that I've got some new information. He's being a trooper, but I can tell that it's never far from his mind."

''I don't know if you remember this, but when Sarah died, our teacher asked us all to write letters to her. We had to write down all our thoughts and feelings and had to say goodbye. I remember thinking it was really hard and not wanting to do it. But I remember feeling a lot better when we did it. I know that Joshua isn't dead, but it might help Bailey. You know, get him to come to terms with some things."

"That's a good idea. I better take him back home. I've got to prepare myself for World War Vegan. Thanks for everything again. I'll see you at lunch." Nate kissed Emma's cheek before swooping Bailey up and carrying him out of the café.

*~*~*

"Granddad, sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do! You have to become vegan! Emma is a vegan and she is really, really nice! You should think about the pigs. Pigs are important too. I'm not talking about this anymore." Bailey's voice floated from Bernard and Ava's bedroom, staunch and impassioned. Nate couldn't help but smile as he heard the conversation.

Eventually, Nate looked down at the paper in his hand and inhaled deeply before reading it.

"I love you papa!! I do not know where you are. Dad does not know where you are. I miss you. I ask about you every day. I like my new Nan and Granddad. Granddad looks very mean but he is nice. Tell us when you are coming back. I miss you!!"

The handwriting was wild and loopy, but Nate could make out the words with a little squinting and imagination. Reading almost every letter felt like being punched in the gut, confirming that Joshua was on Bailey's mind all of the time. Nate had hoped that it was going to be breezier. That Bailey wouldn't write how much he missed his papa and would only write down good things. Nate folded the piece on paper in half and slid it into his backpack.

"Okay, I'm going to go for lunch now. Have a good time at the library. I love you, Bailey!" Nate shouted as he got his stuff ready.

"I love you too, Dad! Did you take my letter to send to Papa?" Bailey shouted back.

"I did! I'll see you later."

"See you later!"

Nate picked up his keys from the kitchen counter and left the house. He unlocked the car and nestled himself into the silence and stillness, taking a moment to listen to his own thoughts. Bailey's letter was weighing heavily on his mind, the words
I miss you
lodged inside of his brain. He rested his forehead on the steering wheel and closed his eyes. Everything was draped in silence and Nate felt like he had found something precious, somewhere where the only voice he could hear was his own. After a few moments, he put on the radio, twisted the key in the ignition, and made his way back to Main Street. He sang at the top of his lungs like his life depended on it. It felt good to let go, to block out the voice in his own head and put his feelings into the songs. He felt his chest expand as he got lost in the lyrics and the beautiful drive through the forestry that surrounded his parents' home.

He parked at the edge of the forest and walked through the street, feeling lighter and happier, as if he had left something painful behind in the car. When he looked through the front window of the café, he saw that Emma and Abel had already sat down for the meal. There was a bunch of different bowls on the table, but both of their plates were empty. They looked deep in conversation, Emma's expression intense in a way that Nate wouldn't have thought possible. She was gesticulating and punching Abel's arm in a way that didn't seem to suit her pretty clothes and ethereal glow. Nate opened the door cautiously, weary to interrupt them "Hello? Am I interrupting something? I can come back, or we can reschedule." He poked his head around the door, keeping one foot by the entrance.

Emma stood up and smoothed down her lime green dress. "No, don't be silly. We've been waiting for you. My brother is just being a stubborn asshat."

"So, same as usual?" Nate replied. Abel looked up and smiled his brilliant white smile. When Abel stood, Nate thought he noticed something nervous in his posture, as if he was a teenager on a first date. Abel was wearing dark jeans and a light cotton shirt that clung to his muscles, his hair in a sweep. He looked smarter than Nate had ever seen him.

"How are you doing, jerkface?" Abel asked, his hand lingering on Nate's as they shook hands. Nate felt energy work its way up his wrist and into his forearm.

"Jerkface? That's a new one." Nate pulled his hand away from Abel's like it was made from a magnet and Abel's was metal.

"Okay," Emma said, pouring three glasses of muddy-looking wine. "Let's toast to starting again. And to having your own bank account."

"To starting again and having your own bank account," Nate and Abel repeated in unison as they clinked their glasses together. Nate took a cautious sip and nodded appreciatively. Like everything he had at Emma's, it was infinitely better than it sounded. It was rich, aromatic, and strangely earthy.

"Oh, I got Bailey to write that letter," Nate said.

"What letter?" Abel asked, moving forward in an obvious attempt to fit his legs underneath the gorgeous wooden table. He looked like Gulliver in Lilliput with the eclectic mix of side dishes and dainty clay bowls.