Until There Was You (30 page)

"I just don't know why this happened or why Granddad was so horrible to you or why Papa can't just come back to us." Bailey sounded confused and desperate.

"I know that you're so confused, but one day this will make at least a little bit of sense. One day this won't be as sad. I would be lying to you if I said that I know exactly what will happen, but I'm old enough to know that these things always get easier. Can I at least put you to bed? I've seen you go to bed every night of your life and I don't want this to be the first night that I don't."

Nate's heart burst when he saw the handle of the bathroom door tentatively turn. Bailey shuffled out of the bathroom. He looked younger than his four years, clutching a small blue blanket and sucking on his thumb. His eyes were puffy from crying and his posture revealed his total fatigue. Nate stood up and held his arms out. Bailey fell into them and snuggled his body into the spaces of Nate's body. Nate kissed the top of Bailey's head.

"I'm sorry that I ran away. I'm just very sad." Bailey yawned.

"I love you," Nate breathed, smelling Bailey's rain-damp hair.

"I know. I love you too," Bailey said. "Now take me to bed."

Nate smiled and carried him to the spare bedroom. He placed Bailey on the mattress and cocooned him in the thick duvet, draping the white cotton over him as gently as possible. Bailey fell asleep straight away and his youthful snoring reverberated in the air. The blanket rose and fell with his rhythmic inhales and exhales. Nate sat on the corner of the bed and rested his hand on Bailey for a minute, just confirming that he was safe and
there.

Nate walked into the kitchen and saw a large glass of red wine sitting on the counter. He picked it up and took a deep gulp, feeling like some of the frayed nerves were beginning to dull a little. A light came through the window and Nate followed it. The air was a little crisp, and the smell of trees and dirt were held in the molecules of the atmosphere. Nate watched Abel rocking on a rocking chair for a moment and then went over and sat on his lap.

"How was it?" Abel asked. He rocked them backwards and forwards, the gentle creaking of the chair matching the rhythm of cricket sounds.

"He's so upset, but he let me put him to bed. His little eyes were all crusty with tears. It was enough to destroy me."

"You're an incredible dad."

"I used to think so."

"No, you are," Abel reassured him.

Nate shifted his weight so that he could look into Abel's deep, handsome eyes. "Abel, all I could think on my way here was 'what if I hadn't met you'? Where would Bailey have gone? What if you hadn't come up to me in that bar that night?"

"I know. But it's not worth thinking about—we're all here. I'm happy if everyone is safe." Abel kissed Nate's cheek.

"But if this ever gets too much, you just have to tell me. No hard feelings," Nate said.

"Stop doing that. Stop trying to make me leave."

"I just don't want you to get caught up in something that you can't get out of. Because you're a good guy and you won't know how to back out. And it's a lot. All of this. We are never really going to be able to have a real date, or take things slowly, or just be casual boyfriends. It's like going from zero to a step-parent in warp speed. Zero to parent-teacher conferences." Nate's words came quicker than he could form actual thoughts.

"I won't talk to you about this again. I'm not some flighty idiot. I'm here for you. I don't want casual. I want you here. And Bailey and I have a groove—you don't get it because you're not a boat lover. I'm cool with whatever he's comfortable with. He talks to me about Joshua a lot. He's a smart kid; he has a lot of perspective." Abel tilted his head and kissed Nate passionately. The kiss was slow and meaningful and filled with desire.

Nate ground his hips against Abel's body, feeling the contours of his sculpted abs against him. They wound their bodies together and held each other close as their mouths kissed and searched and healed. The moonlight illuminated their faces, giving the whole scene a muted, romantic light. The warped wood of the deck seemed to absorb the light and reflect it back, making the whole porch look like it was swimming in powder blue. Nate pulled his hands down Abel's arms, tracing the muscles with his fingers, using them as leverage to pull his chest closer into Abel's.

Nate pulled away reluctantly and looked deeply into Abel's eyes. "You're such a good man. You know that, don't you?" Nate asked seriously, his eyes welling with salty tears.

Abel blushed and shrugged his shoulders, clearly uncomfortable with the compliment. Nate couldn't help but feel that his heart was growing in size, that it was taking up more space in his ribcage, radiating heat and love, repairing some of its scars. He let the intimacy wash over him and warm him and held his hand to his heart.

"Can I say something outrageous to you?" Abel asked.

"Depends what it is," Nate replied, remembering the wine that he had put on the floor and taking a sip of it.

"I love you. Can I say that? Is it too much?" Abel whispered.

"You can say that. I like that. And me too. I don't know how I know after such a short time, but I love you too."

"Does it still make me a good person if I want to do bad things to you?" Abel grinned, visibly relieved that he hadn't scared Nate off.

"That makes you an even better man. The best. But I have to do something first. Wait here," Nate jumped up and ran into the house. He pulled his backpack from the floor and carried it back onto the porch. Opening the bag wide, Nate pulled out the heavy stone that he had been carrying around for months and threw it hard enough that it landed in the lake. He felt like the whole world had been lifted from his shoulders.

Nate stood up from the chair and they left the moonlight behind as they closed the door softly getting lost in each other, caught up in each other's rhythm, lost in sweat and promises and happiness. Together they moved in harmony until their muscles cramped and the faint orange of a new sun cast shadows over the bedroom.

In Which the Little Guy Becomes a Man

Nate scrubbed some leftover marinara sauce from a plate and looked out of the kitchen window at Bailey. He was pacing outside of the cabin, kicking little stones from the driveway into the air. He was talking to himself too, his hands gesturing wildly as if he was angry with someone. Nate drained the hot water, dried his hands, and threw a coat over his shoulders before opening the front door to join Bailey. The sun was shining so brightly he had to squint.

"Hey, buddy! Are you okay?" Nate shouted from the porch.

Bailey jumped visibly, obviously surprised to be pulled from his imaginary heated discussion. Nate couldn't help but melt a little when he saw Bailey's shocked expression; he looked so small in the near distance, so tiny in front of the imposing trees that made up the forest's border behind him. Sometimes Nate forgot how young Bailey was because of how adult he seemed, but from this vantage point, it was clearer than ever that Bailey was a kid trying to make sense of the fact that his life had fallen apart. He looked lost and sheepish, a small ball of confusion that was desperately seeking answers. Nate wanted to pull Bailey into a hug but wanted to give him space to process his feelings too; he didn't know what to do. His heart actually felt heavy in his chest.

"I don't know," Bailey answered, raising his voice.

Nate descended the porch steps and settled himself on the bottom one before gesturing for Bailey to sit next to him. He smiled when he saw Bailey shuffle closer, his hunched figure outlined by the sunshine. Nate patted the wood by his side, but Bailey stayed standing.

"Why don't you sit down?" Nate enquired.

"I don't want to sit down, I have too much energy. I feel like I want to run away from my body. It's very strange—am I sick?" Bailey asked, an obvious thread of concern running through his voice.

"I don't think so. I've felt like that before. Do you feel like you just want to shake your body out? Get rid of all your feelings?" Nate put his hand out and felt relieved when Bailey rested his little hand against his palm.

"That's exactly how I feel! Like there is something buzzing in my belly! How did you know?" Bailey asked incredulously.

"Well, because it happens to everybody. It usually means that you're feeling things that you don't really understand—or that there are things that you want to say, but are nervous to say them. It's very normal. Can you think of anything that has been on your mind? I'm sure there's a lot spinning through that brain of yours." Nate looked into Bailey's eyes, eyes that were so similar to Joshua's that it sometimes caught Nate off guard, and saw Bailey running through things in his mind.

"I don't want to say what I'm feeling. I think that it would upset you. I can't talk about my feelings." Bailey shook his head, and Nate saw Bailey's his crumple and wished that he could take on all Bailey's pain. Seeing Bailey in distress made Nate feel like he had been punched in the stomach.

"You can. I promise that I won't be angry or hurt. It's my job to listen to your thoughts, even if they might be difficult and painful for me to hear. When I became a dad, that's what I agreed to. I'm here to make you feel better. Your feelings are very, very important to me," Nate said as reassuringly as he could.

Bailey sighed deeply. "I think that I'm sadder than I have been telling you. Because you have been really sad and I think if I'm sad too, then I will make you even sadder. I feel like it's my job to make you feel better 'cause Papa isn't around anymore. And Granddad isn't that nice to you. And we don't have a house anymore. I don't want to be another bad thing for you to be sad about. You only have me and Abel." Bailey's voice broke with emotion. Nate stood up and lifted Bailey from the ground, bundling his little body into his chest tightly.

"Tell me all of the things that you're upset about. Tell me everything. And then I'll tell you some things that I have been thinking. We should share how we're feeling and there are some things that you need to know." Nate whispered into Bailey's ear.

"Are you sure?" Bailey asked, his voice still quivering with sadness and muffled from the material of Nate's coat.

"Of course. Tell me everything. Let's sit down on the rocking chair—history has taught me that it's a really good place to talk about your feelings." Nate felt Bailey's head nod against his shoulder. He carried him up the porch steps before sitting on Abel's creaky rocker.

"I miss Papa. But it's more than just missing him. Like I miss my school and Tommy, but I feel something else when I think of Papa. I feel like it's really sad that I don't get to see him every day. I never knew that he wouldn't take me to bed every night." Bailey stopped for a second and Nate put his hand on his shoulder. "Did you know that people can just leave? Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know that people could be with you every day and… and… then not. It doesn't make sense!" Bailey looked away, but Nate saw tears roll down his cheeks.

"I know that it doesn't feel like it, but this is good. You have to feel these scary things so that you can get to feeling okay again. You know that that nothing lasts forever, don't you? You know that today will become yesterday really soon and you can always see yesterday more clearly than today. Yesterday never feels as sad as today does." Nate wanted to fall apart at the sight of Bailey's distress but worked to keep his voice strong and clear.

"I don't understand." Bailey wiped the tears from his face.

"Okay. I just mean that if you feel all these things, then they become easier to deal with, because you know them better. And tomorrow you will know them better, and so they will be easier, and then the day after that they become easier again. It keeps going like that until they don't hurt anymore. Or they might still hurt, but only a little so you will get to be really happy again." Nate pushed the rocking chair backwards and forwards carefully. "You know that you will be really happy again, right?"

"Are you sure? Because I feel like I'm going to be sad forever. Even when I do feel happy, it's only for a second and then I remember that Papa isn't going to be at home when I get back. I get happy, but then I get sad right after. I'm not used to it. I don't understand and I want to understand." Bailey shuffled his weight so that he was on Nate's lap.

"I know that you want answers to everything. And that's great—I love having a son who is so smart and interesting and adult. But this is one thing that you can't work out. You can't read your way out of this one. You have to let the feelings happen to you. It's really, really hard. But you'll see that really hard things become really important things when today becomes the past." Nate rested his cheek on the top of Bailey's head.

"It's just really hard and really sad. I just wish that I knew when I was gonna see Papa again. Then you'll be okay. You'll have someone to look after you properly again. Then I can be a kid with two parents again." Bailey huffed. Nate felt like crumbling when Bailey nestled his face against his chest and he felt Bailey's tears soak through his T-shirt.

"I think you have got a few things wrong. I am the parent here. I am the one who is supposed to be strong, not you. You should still be the kid that you have always been. You don't have to protect me. Nobody has to protect me. I think I haven't done the best job of being a dad since Papa went. I'm sorry that you felt that you had to look after me, but you have to know that it's the other way around. At least it's supposed to be. I don't ever want you to hide how you are feeling or pretend to feel things that you don't. Not because you are afraid of upsetting me and not for any other reason either." Nate hugged Bailey close again.

"I just didn't want to upset you more. I know that you miss Papa so much too."

"I do miss him, very much, and it's very brave of you to want to protect my feelings. You are a great son—you really are. But it's really, really important that you remember to be true to your feelings. It's an important lesson. Say what you want to say and ask people to respect that," Nate said firmly.

"I love Papa so much," Bailey announced, crying again and burying his face into Nate's coat.