Until The Sun Goes Down (Boundless Love Book 3) (6 page)

‘How long will you be?’

‘I’m not entirely sure honey. I hope to be home in a few days. But then I’ll have to get a lot of rest.’

‘I’ll take care of you when you get back.’

‘That will be nice. Now why don’t you get some sleep?’

‘Where’s Mister Fudge?’ she looked around her.

Sahara slid off the bed and looked around her, and found the beige teddy bear under the bed. It had been a while since Joy had asked for the teddy bear.

‘Here he is.’

Joy grabbed the teddy bear into her arms and squeezed it tight.

‘Good-night darling, I love you.’

‘I love you too mummy.’

‘I’ll see you soon.’

‘You promise?’

‘I promise.’ She kissed her daughter good-night.

Chapter Five

‘You guys, you didn’t have to be here.’ She gazed at Emily and Felicity.

‘We wanted to see you off.’ They smiled. ‘And bring you these lovely flowers. Made especially by Alice.’

‘They’re gorgeous. Aren’t they honey?’

‘Yes, they’re lovely.’ He smiled partially.

Sahara would soon be wheeled into theatre, and there was no telling what would come out of it. Everyone was hopeful, but that didn’t take away the nerves he felt.

‘I’ll be fine honey.’ She reached out her hand.

He took it and nodded. She was happy that everyone she cared about was with her. She needed their positive energy to get through the surgery. Just then the nurse came in to take her vitals. They did a run through of what would happen next, and an hour later, she was wheeled out of the room to theatre.

‘You’ll do great!’ Emily sniffed.

‘I know, see you soon.’ She blew them a kiss.

‘I love you.’ Eugene wiped away a tear.

‘I love you too honey. See you soon.’

The doors closed behind her and the trio watched, and wondered what the result would be.

‘Would any of you like a coffee?’ Eugene asked. ‘That is if you’re staying. It’s going to be a long wait.’

‘I’ll have a coffee. I’m definitely staying. I want to be here when she wakes up,’ said Emily. She’d arranged it in advance.

‘Me too, I’m off for the next couple of days so you can count me in.’

‘Great, I’ll be back in a second.’ He went in search for the coffee machine.

He returned a few minutes later with the drinks. They sat down in the waiting area in silence. No one wanted to talk, there was fear drifting between them. At times Emily tried to make small talk, but it ended as soon as it started.

Emily took a phone call from Myles and spent at least thirty minutes outside the hospital. Felicity and Eugene hardly spoke, he seemed lost in his thoughts and she didn’t want to intrude. But finally after three and a half hours, Doctor Cross came out, looking exhausted and forlorn.

‘Doctor?’ Eugene met him halfway.

‘I’m sorry – ’

‘No, no, no…’

****

Sahara opened her eyes and the images in front of her were blurry. She smiled slightly as his face finally came into focus.

‘Hey,’ he said.

Emily and Felicity drew a little closer.

‘Hey,’ she choked, her mouth felt dry. ‘What’s…what’s with the sad faces?’

‘We’re not sad.’ Emily tried to hide the pain she felt, but failed.

‘Eugene?’ Sahara could tell they were hiding something. ‘Did the doctor say something?’

He shut his eyes a moment and took in a deep breath.

‘Honey, please talk to me.’

He perched gently on the side of the bed and took her hand. ‘I think you need to speak to Doctor Cross.’

‘No, I want you to tell me what you know.’

He wasn’t sure he could. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to tell her the news without breaking apart.

‘Tell me.’

He couldn’t find the words.

‘I want to hear it from you.’

Emily couldn’t bear it so decided to leave the room, and give them privacy. Felicity did the same.

‘Please, I can deal with it. I don’t want to hear it from Doctor Cross I want to hear it from you.’

He squeezed her hand as hard as he could.

‘Honey, it’s okay.’ She swallowed. ‘I need some water.’

Relieved for a moment he poured her some water. She drank it slowly, but finally it was time to face the music.

‘Tell me.’

He looked her in the eye, his eyes glazed over. How was he supposed to tell her that the surgery didn’t go to plan? He dropped his head, but she lifted it so she could see him.

‘It’s okay.’

He swallowed back hard. ‘When they opened you up.’ He took a moment to breathe. ‘There were more tumours than they expected.’ He stopped, he couldn’t do it. ‘Doctor Cross will be in shortly… I can’t.’

Sahara’s stomach tightened. This wasn’t happening. What did he mean they’d found more tumours than they expected? He said nothing, the words couldn’t formulate. He felt numb from the inside and felt so helpless. Sahara took in the words that didn’t make any sense. Had the operation been or not been successful?

Doctor Cross joined them thirty minutes later. The look in his eyes told her all she needed to know, but she wanted to hear him say it.

‘Sahara, you’re awake.’ He smiled gently.

‘Just tell me Doctor.’

It was never easy delivering bad news, especially to an amazing person like Sahara.

‘There were more tumours than we expected.’

‘How many more?’

‘So many more that if we tried to take them all, you’d have no bowel left. We could only cut so much out. I’m so sorry, Sahara. I really am.’

‘Why are you sorry?’ She didn’t understand.

Doctor Cross looked at Eugene who looked like he’d been punched in the stomach several times.

‘There isn’t more we can do.’

She looked away a moment, and then back at the doctor. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘We can’t do anything more. We can’t cure the cancer.’

‘You can’t!’ She yelled. ‘What do you mean you can’t? What about chemo?’

‘We can offer chemo as palliative care, to make you as comfortable as possible, but it will progress. We won’t be able to get rid of it this time. I’m so sorry.’ He was almost in tears himself.

She burst out laughing. Eugene gazed at her concerned, but also terrified. She laughed and laughed and laughed.

‘You’re sorry!’ She spluttered with laughter. ‘No, no!’ The laughter soon died down and was replaced by a painful wail.

Eugene took her into his arms and held tight. The pain overtook her and made her feel as though she were about to suffocate. She hit into his chest hard. Eugene took it. He felt the same way, only he couldn’t hit into something. She did it again and again until she was so tired she had to lean back into the bed.

She looked up at Doctor Cross, the pain still lodged in her throat and asked, ‘How long?’ She had to know, as painful as it was, she had to know.

He dropped his head a moment.

‘Doctor?’

Eugene squeezed her hand.

‘Eighteen to twenty-four months. Maybe a little longer with chemotherapy.’

‘How much longer?’ asked Eugene.

‘Six months.’

He dropped his head.

‘I wish I had more positive news, I wish I could make this go away.’

‘You did your best Doctor.’ The words barely passed her throat.

He stood a moment longer, but soon he understood that his presence was no longer needed. He left them. Eugene took one look at his wife and didn’t know how he would live without her, but Sahara was quiet. She had once thought that cancer would finish her off in the end, but she hadn’t expected it to be so soon. She felt empty inside.

‘Honey, we’ll get a second opinion. I’m sure there is something we can do.’

She shook her head.

‘You’re not giving up are you? You can’t.’

She was silent. She didn’t know what to say or how to feel. To be given a time on her life felt surreal. She always felt there was more time, but it seemed time was no longer on her side.

‘Talk to me.’

She looked away.

‘Please. Let me know what to do. I’ll make calls. I’ll do the research. I’ll do whatever it takes.’

She kept her gaze away from him. Looking at him just hurt, more than it already did. He stopped asking and just joined her in the silence. But at the back of his mind, he wouldn’t give up. He hoped she wasn’t giving up either.

****

When Sahara was finally released from hospital to go home, she still hadn’t recovered from the shock.  The moment she stepped into the house, Elizabeth, Emily, Felicity and Alice were all there. She’d asked that no one come to see her at the hospital. There had been a lot for her to work out in her mind. But as she gazed at their sad faces, she knew she had to give them some of her attention.

‘I’m so glad you’re home, honey.’ Elizabeth gave her a hug.

‘It’s good to be out of the hospital,’ she said.

‘Hey.’ Emily was next to embrace her.

‘Hey. Don’t look so sad, I’m not dead yet.’ She tried to joke, but no one found it funny. ‘Seriously guys, please be happy I’m home.’

It was a tough request, she knew that, but she needed them to try. She was just glad Joy was still at school. She had asked Eugene not to tell her, she needed to do that herself. He was happy about her decision because telling his only child that her mother was dying, wasn’t something he was built to do.

The day dragged on, but later Sahara left them to get some rest. It had been so awkward. No one knew what words to say. At least when she’d been fighting it, they were her cheerleaders, but now with the end in sight. No one would cheer her to the finish line.

Later that evening after she’d had a long rest that renewed her batteries. She took time to be with Joy. They sat on the carpet in Joy’s room, trying to figure out a puzzle together. There had been so many moments when Sahara wanted to tell her little girl what was going on, but each time Joy smiled at her, she couldn’t find the nerve to break her heart.

But soon enough, when the final piece of the puzzle was slotted into place, Sahara knew she had to tell her.

‘Come sit on mummy’s lap.’

‘I’m too big for that now, mummy.’

‘Oh, you’re never too big.’ Sahara swallowed back the tears. She wouldn’t see her daughter grow up. ‘Now come on, mummy needs some cuddles.’

‘Okay then.’ She shifted over and Sahara took her into her arms.

‘I love you honey.’ She whispered into her ear.

‘I love you too mummy. We did well with the puzzle, didn’t we?’

‘We sure did.’ She shut her eyes briefly.

‘Honey, mummy’s operation didn’t go well,’ she started.

Joy turned and looked at her. ‘Why, mummy?’

‘Do you remember when I told you that the doctor was going to cut out the growths in my tummy?’

She nodded.

‘Well, he didn’t manage to get all of them.’ She swallowed back hard.

‘Why not?’ she asked innocently.

‘Because there were too many.’

She looked away and tried to wrap her tiny mind around what Sahara was saying.

‘They can’t do anything about it.’

‘Does that mean you’ll always feel pain?’ she asked.

‘Sometimes, but the doctors have giving me strong medicine to deal with the pain. But…’

‘But what?’

Joy may have been five years old, but she had knowledge beyond her years, and she knew something was wrong.

‘But the illness won’t go away.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘It means I won’t always be here.’

‘Will you need to go to hospital?’

Sahara had no idea how to put it, and now more than ever she wished she’d taken Joy to some sort of spiritual gathering.

‘I will, sometimes…Do you understand heaven?’ She knew that the school taught religion.

‘Yes, that’s where God is.’

‘Well, when I said that I won’t always be here with you, I meant that mummy will one day go to heaven.’

‘We’ll all go to heaven one day. Miss told us that.’

‘Oh honey, I know that. It’s just that this illness will soon make mummy’s body so weak, I won’t be able to live in it anymore.’

‘I don’t understand.’

Sahara held her close and took in the sweet warm scent of Joy.

‘I don’t either, but it’s the way my life is.’

They were silent for a while. Joy lay into Sahara’s chest and listened to her heart beat. After a while she gazed up at her and said, ‘Mummy, are you dying?’

She dropped her head onto the crown of Joy’s head lightly. ‘Oh honey.’ This wasn’t getting any easier. ‘Yes, I’m dying.’

‘I don’t want you to die!’ She cried into her. ‘You can’t die!’