Until the End of the World (Book 1) (33 page)

He claps Peter on the shoulder. Ana grins at Peter, and he smiles back at her. The way they look at each other makes me think there’s something more there than friendship. And they are friends: they always volunteer to help each other and walk the line together. They’re always laughing. They don’t even play Zombie Zagat anymore.

Something like jealousy rises up in me, even though I try to convince myself it’s not. They look happy. I try to swallow down the feeling and plaster a fake smile on my face. I stay as long as I can stand it and then head into the house.

I try to sort out my feelings, but there’s too many zooming around inside. Jealousy, anger, hopelessness, fear: if you can name it, I’ve got it. I’m no closer to figuring it out when everyone troops in, laughing. I hear them tell everyone that town’s still empty. I can’t think with the chattering and want to scream at them all to shut up.

“John?” I walk over to where he’s measuring the window glass. “Can I go to your house for a while?”

He turns to me, concerned. “Of course, just turn on the radio so we can contact you if need be. Are you okay?”

I don’t look him in the eye. “I’m fine. I just need to be alone for a while.”

I sit at his kitchen table and stare out the window. Since that day when Peter and I fought, I feel like everything’s gotten worse. There’s no imminent threat from either live people or infected, but I don’t feel relieved. All I feel is that gray, floundering feeling that overtook me after my parents died. It’s underneath everything, trying to get a toehold again.

I refuse to let it. When Peter said Adrian didn’t love me, I believed him, but I’m not sure why. It’s not like he knows. I grow angrier and angrier at Peter. He does whatever he wants and still comes out with accolades. I clean up his mess, and all I get is feeling left out and sad.

I sit there until everyone comes in for the radio broadcast. Peter, Ana and Bits have stayed behind to play a board game. I wonder if my having left the house has anything to do with it. At least Peter’s been staying away from me like I asked him to.

Matt Burns starts in with his usual reports. He names all the Safe Zones, including new ones in Pennsylvania and northwestern New York. Then he talks about the food they’re growing in Whitefield, how much work it is to lug water to the plants and the endless weeding.

“So we’ve become soldier-farmers,” he laughs. “Thankfully, we’ve got Kingdom Come Farm to help us with all the logistics. And we’ve got one of the leaders or—I don’t know, what would you call yourself?”

There’s a familiar laugh and my heart stops. The universe must have it in for me today. I want to hear his voice so badly that I must have imagined it. But there it is, calm and measured, an octave deeper than you’d think it would be.

“I call myself Adrian,” he says.

I grip the edge of the table as everyone turns to me. I stare straight at the radio. He’s alive. Now I know for sure.

“Okay, Adrian. Adrian Miller is here from Kingdom Come Farm in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. It’s your farm, right?”

“Well, my partner, Ben Sullivan, and I started the farm a year and a half ago. We met in grad school and landed a grant to start an experimental farm. We found an old farm and bought it. We started work on it the winter before this past one and had our first harvest last summer.”

I remember Ben. I met him once, before my parents died.

“Tell us about it.”

Adrian clears his throat. He hates being the center of attention, and he’s nervous.

“Well, we wanted to make it as much like an ecosystem as possible. Where the food grown fed us and the animals, and the animals’ waste fed the earth, which in turn fed the plants. Our goal was to even produce the vegetable oil-based fuel that our modified farming equipment would run on.”

“You’re talking in the past tense.”

“Well, we’re still doing it, but right now we’re more interested in defending and feeding ourselves. We’ve had about two hundred people show up so far, but we think we can handle many more. The nice thing about the area is that it’s pretty isolated and surrounded by mountains. We have neighbors, and we’re all working together to make an even larger Safe Zone.”

“How?”

“We send out patrols to eliminate any threats, whether they’re alive or dead. We’re very, very serious about that.”

I know the look on his face right now. His jaw is tight and his eyes glow. I knew he was like my dad, but I guess I never realized that he and I were alike in that way, too.

“Bandits, take heed,” Matt jokes. “What can people expect if they make it there?”

“Food, a relatively safe place to live, a really great group of people and a whole lot of work. I’m not kidding about the work.”

Adrian laughs and his voice softens. “We welcome anyone who wants to join us. When we fly over the more populated areas and see what’s become of them, I’m not surprised we haven’t had as many refugees as we expected. But I hope people hear these broadcasts and make it there.”

“I know you’re needed somewhere, Adrian,” Matt says. “One last question: Did your family make it okay?”

“My mom was visiting my sister out west. They made it to a Safe Zone in Idaho. I was lucky.”

I’m relieved. I hoped they were with him, but this is the next best thing.

“You are lucky. So there was no one else?”

I wait for some hesitation, some sign. But he answers too quickly to even invent a pause where he may have thought to mention me.

“No, there’s no one else. They got out just in time.”

“Thanks for coming on, Adrian. I practically had to drag him here. But Kingdom Come Farm is hoping that some of you make it there if you can.”

Adrian murmurs thanks, and then it’s just Matt running through the lists again. I ignore everyone, push back my chair and walk outside into the woods.

The house is mostly dark by the time I go back. I’ve broken our rule by staying out past sunset by myself, but I don’t care. John’s on watch, but he only nods at me and goes back to his book. I change into pajamas and get into bed with Nelly. I don’t have enough energy to brush my teeth. I lie there and listen to Nelly breathe.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” he says.

“Maybe nothing means something,” I say.

He’s silent, but he grabs my hand in his rough paw as we fall asleep. At least this time I don’t have to see Adrian in my nightmare, since Neil and I are alone on the steps.

In the morning I start to transfer the star ring to my clean jeans. When I realize what I’m doing, I stop and put the ring in my top drawer. I’ve made my bed and should stop feeling sorry for myself while I toss and turn and have nightmares in it. I head to the kitchen and start pancakes. Penny comes in with Flora’s milk as I’m flipping the first batch.

She stands next to me and puts her head on my shoulder. “Hey, lady.” I know she wants to bring up Adrian, but she doesn’t. “Love you.”

“Love you,” I say. “How’s
your
love life?”

“It’s good.” Her face is guarded.

“
Please
. You’re all aglow with love and you won’t even tell me about it. I’ve been a shitty best friend, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t want to hear it.”

She smiles and raises an eyebrow. “Aglow?”

I nod. “Aglow. Now sit down and have a pancake and spill it.”

In the garden I’m still smiling at Penny’s furious blushing when she told me she loves James. And as I yank weed after weed, I realize I really am happy for her. It makes me feel a little better, like I haven’t turned into a completely awful person. Bits kneels next to me and pulls up the tiny plants she’s sure are weeds.

“Hey, Bits,” I say. Her freckles have multiplied, and there’s color behind them instead of that fish belly white. “How’d you sleep?”

“I had the same dream, but Peter held my hand until I fell asleep.”

I laugh inside because Nelly did the same thing for me. I’ve regressed to being a seven year-old.

“Do you want to talk about the dream? Sometimes if you tell someone it might stop, or at least not be as scary.”

Fear fills her eyes. Then she nods and speaks so low I have to lower my ear to her mouth.

“Remember the game I told you… where they would tie up…?” I nod and grab her hand in mine. “Well, the time they made me watch, it was after my mom tried to leave with me. That was—my mom was the bait. That’s what I keep dreaming about.”

I’m frozen to the spot.
Those motherfuckers
. For a moment I wish Neil were in front of me so I could shoot him again. And this time I’d drag it out, nightmares or not. She shakes with sobs and I pull her into my arms. After a long while, she quiets. I cradle her face in my hands and look in her eyes.

“We’ll do everything we can to protect you,” I say. “Do you believe that?” Her head nods slowly, half scared by my intensity. “Do you know that we love you?” It may have only been a couple of weeks, but we do. She shrugs and looks away.

“We love you.” I turn her chin back gently. “And I’m so happy we found you.”

“That night gave you nightmares,” she argues.

“Honey, this world could give anyone nightmares. I’d have worse nightmares if you were still with them.”

The corners of her mouth turn up, and she puts her small hand in mine. “I want to show you something,” I say. “Have you ever read the Little House books?”

She shakes her head. “I have—I mean, had—them, but I never read them. My mom was going to read them with me.”

I look closely, but her face is eager, not sad. “I still have my set here. Let’s go find them.”

It’s doubtful that talking about something so horrific is going to stop her nightmares, but she already seems a little lighter. So do I.

“We need moving targets,” Ana says.

I glance at where Peter chops wood but feel it’s probably prudent to keep my mouth shut, so I just nod. All the work outdoors has turned her light brown skin the color of cinnamon. She’s covered in a sheen of sweat that makes her glow, unlike the rivers of unsightly sweat my body creates. She’s intent on mastering every weapon there is, and it’s all I can do to keep up.

“No, thank you,” says Penny, who’s taking a break on the grass. She tries hard, but she’s too gentle. Plus, her glasses slip when she gets sweaty. Sweet, quiet Penny is not made for this world, and it scares me.

“At least I can shoot a gun,” she says.

I remember her firing out the back door that night, and my worry lifts a little. I pick up the cleaver again and thrust it forward. My thigh burns from what must be lunge number one hundred today.

“Yeah,” I say to Ana, “let’s not wish too hard for that one. I’m fine practicing on air and wood.”

“You guys know what I mean,” Ana says, like she wasn’t really wishing for it.

“Yeah, we do,” Penny and I say at the same time and then laugh.

Peter walks over. His t-shirt is stuck to him, and even Penny raises her eyebrows at what’s under it and then grins when I roll my eyes.

“Hey,” he says to Ana. “Can I show you something John showed me?”

“Of course,” Ana says.

He stands behind her and places his hands over hers on the shaft. “Like this.” He moves her arms upward. “You’ll probably need to swing up a little to connect with the neck.”

She leans into him, and his arms stay around her a moment longer than necessary. Peter glances at me and pats her on the shoulder as he backs away.

“There you go.” He turns to me. “Do you want me to show you?”

“I have eyes, I saw,” I say. “No thanks.”

Our gazes lock. I keep mine cold and hard until finally he raises his shoulders and walks back to the woodshed.

Ana shakes her head. “Can’t you guys just get along?”

I shrug. “Let’s practice.”

We have a barbecue on the Fourth of July. John says there’ll be hunting in the fall, so we might as well enjoy the last of the steaks. Penny finds some old sparklers in the junk drawer, and Bits races around with them.

“When’s your birthday again, Bits?” John asks, while we sit on the deck and eat.

“November twenty-eighth,” she and Peter say at the same time.

She giggles. I have to admit that Peter’s good with her. The other night she had a nightmare, but by the time I got down the hall he was talking her back to sleep. When I checked later I saw he’d fallen asleep with his head on her bed, her hand still in his.

I felt something soften that night. Until the next day, when he suggested my mother’s marinara sauce needed more basil, in his insufferable way. I handed him the spoon and told him to suit himself. He finished dinner and, of course, everyone said it was great.

“Hey,” Nelly says. “Let’s go to town tomorrow. My leg is healed and I want to run free. Actually, I need more unmentionables.”

“I need to get some stuff too. Feminine hygiene and such.” I wink at Penny, who makes a face telling me to shut up, so I wink again.

“Fine with me,” John says. “Or I can stay here if I’m not needed.”

Ana chews her steak and nods enthusiastically. “I’m going! Maybe we’ll run into a Lexer.”

We all groan, and Nelly gives her a half-smile. “One can only hope.”

“I’d like to go,” Peter says.

I can’t spend all day in the car with him. I change my mind. “I’ll give you a list, Nelly.”

Peter looks my way and his hands tighten on the chair. I wait for him to say something obnoxious, but they release and he lets out a breath. “You know what? I have some stuff to do here. Either James or John can go with you three.”

I smile and get up to make a list.

Town is still eerily quiet. We head to Wal-Mart for the same reason people did before the world ended: it has most everything we need.

It looks the same as it did, although it might smell worse. Nelly and I head to the back to see about ammo, while John and Ana head to the other end. We grab what’s left and snag Bits a backpack for a BOB. The stench in Health and Beauty is unbearable, but this time I’m ready with a perfumed bandana. Nelly gags until he finally takes the other bandana I offer him.