Until the End of the World (Book 1)

Today is the kind of spring day that used to make me feel like anything was possible. That it would all work out in the end. I used to love days like this. Of course, that was before I started avoiding spring altogether.

It isn’t easy to avoid an entire season, especially one this glorious. But for the past three years I’ve managed it. I close the blinds, stay out of the sunshine and keep to myself, so as not to dredge up memories of that first terrible spring.

But this year feels different. I can’t help but enjoy the breeze that promises summer is coming. It’s the kind of day that puts a spring in your step, where you believe hope does spring eternal.

I dreamt about Adrian last night. But it wasn’t the usual dream, the one that wakes me up in tears with that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. We were sitting on the porch steps of my parents’ cabin. Our legs were stretched out, feet resting on the ground. I was wiggling my toes. There was nothing else. Sure, the bees buzzed among the flowers and the trees whispered in the wind, but that was it. There was just quiet. And peace, the kind of peace that didn’t seem to follow Adrian as much as it was a product of him. When I woke up that feeling stayed with me, and I started thinking that maybe it could be mine again.

My friend Penny’s dark ponytail swings as we pass the brownstones and apartment buildings of our Brooklyn neighborhood on our way to work. I haven’t told her about this feeling, even though I tell her almost everything. I’m like a squirrel with a nut, wanting to hide it away for safekeeping, to turn it over and over and examine it.

Penny glances at my feet. “You wore your new shoes.”

I nod. It’s still too cool, but I wore the delicate straw sandals anyway. I thought they might make me feel feminine and strong. That maybe they would help me to embrace and welcome spring again. Relying on shoes to do all that is pretty dumb, but I need all the help I can get.

Penny raises her face to the sun and sighs with pleasure. She moved here from Puerto Rico when she was ten, after her father died. Even after all these years she still takes winter as a personal affront.

“My mom was called in last night, something to do with the LX virus,” Penny says, and pushes her vintage glasses back up where they belong. “She says there are a lot of cases in New York now.”

Bornavirus LX has spread across the world in the past few days. So far it’s only been found in the Midwest and West. I haven’t been paying much attention because in the spring I never do.

“Did she say how many?”

“No. But she’s pretty certain the quarantine of St. Louis means it’s going to get bad.”

“They quarantined St. Louis?” I’m shocked that it’s come to that.

“Yeah, late last night. Chicago, too. And air traffic is suspended from the West.” We stop at the front door of the Sunset Park Community Center, where we both work. “How do you not know all this? You’re usually the one telling me these things.”

“I’ve been distracted. I didn’t listen to the news this morning.”

I want to tell her more, but I’m not sure what there is to tell. It’s just a mental shift or something, and if it comes to nothing I don’t want to advertise the fact that I’ve failed. Penny glances around and twists her lips.

“James kissed me last night,” she says to the concrete.

“James what?” I yell. She shushes me and I lower my voice. “We just walked all the way to work and you tell me now? At—” I look at the time on my phone, “crap. There’s a meeting. I have to go.”

Penny smiles. She did this on purpose so I wouldn’t bother her about it the whole way to work.

“I knew it!” I say, and narrow my eyes even though I’m grinning. “We’re twenty-eight years old and you still won’t tell me when you like someone! Nelly and I have been waiting for this. You’re gonna tell me later, you know.”

“Gotta go,” she sings out, as I head upstairs.

I’m at my desk, considering beating my uncooperative computer with my stapler, when I hear a voice.

“Psst, Cassie.” Nelly’s head appears over our shared cubicle wall. “Drinks later.”

I open my mouth, about to refuse, but he shakes his head and flashes me his white-toothed smile. “Don’t even say no,” he drawls, before he sinks down.

I sigh and slip on my sandals to go argue my case. I’m sure this is one time Nelly will be glad I’m backing out of plans. I sit down opposite Nelly’s desk and swing my foot.

“New shoes?” he asks.

The magical properties I imbued them with this morning have not materialized. So far the only thing they’ve done is create a suspicious pre-blister itch in several places. My toes are freezing. I notice my toenail polish is chipped, as usual.

“You like?”

“Yeah, yeah, they’re great. Have I ever given a rat’s ass about shoes?” He runs a hand through his messy blond hair and tries to look despondent but fails. “No, you’ve come to tell me you aren’t drinking with me.”

Nelly’s tall, broad and exceedingly healthy. It’s obvious he grew up in a place where they ate beef and drank whole milk and were out in the fresh air and sunshine. Without the ever-present smile, his face can look stony. He perfected it playing high school football in Texas, where a good game face is essential, especially when you’re gay.

I sigh. “Believe me, I’d rather go out. But I’m going to try to break up with Peter tonight.”

He whoops, Texas-style. Now that I’ve told Nelly I can’t chicken out of the breakup at the last minute without getting tons of grief. I already regret it.

“You are not going to
try
, you wuss!” He bangs a pen on his desk and points it at me. “You’re going to do it this time. But, first, we’ll have a drink for fortification.”

I laugh because of course he’s going to get his way.

His blue eyes are serious. “You’d better make a clean break. Or I’ll do it for you. I swear I will this time.”

I give in. I’m going to need that drink. I could use it right now, actually. “Okay.”

He looks doubtful.

“I will. I promise.” I lay my head on his desk and moan. “I hate this. Why do I have to break it off?”

He pats my head. “Because, darlin’, you date the wrong people.”

I stick my tongue out at him just as James, our part-time IT guy, pokes his head into the cubicle. There’s a flush of excitement on his angular cheeks.

“Guys, come see,” he says. “The virus is in New York.”

We follow him down the hall to the conference room. I refrain from asking him about Penny because she would kill me, although I’m dying to.

Our coworkers are perched on chairs and the long table, eyes trained on the newscaster.

“Bornavirus LX has been found in all five boroughs since yesterday. The virus first appeared in Long Xuyen, Vietnam last week, and has since spread throughout the world. As of last night, cities in the middle and western U.S., including Denver, Chicago and St. Louis, are quarantined, and state governors have instituted mandatory curfews. The fast-moving virus causes brain damage, which triggers the infected to aggressively attack and spread the disease through their bodily fluids.

“Authorities state that the virus is under control. People with a high fever and joint pain should be seen immediately by a doctor or emergency room. Please do not try to care for your sick loved one yourself. The CDC and Health Department are not releasing estimates of the number infected so far. We will be following up with more information as it becomes available.”

James cocks an eyebrow at me, lets out a
harrumph
and heads to his work space. His hands fly over his computer keyboard. I don’t ask what he’s up to because I know he’ll find me when he’s done.

Nelly and I amble back down the hall. Usually, I would comb the internet for news about the virus, but it’s gone in one ear and almost out the other by the time we reach our desks. My thoughts are consumed with the tactic I’ll use to break up with Peter. There’s the let’s-be-friends and the it’s-not-you-it’s-me and there’s the fact that I’m an idiot for dating Peter in the first place and then dragging it out this long.

“Hey,” I say to Nelly, “how about this: ‘Peter, I’m an idiot. And I can’t be with you anymore because I’m an idiot?’ ”

“You suck at this.” He puts his arm around my shoulders to stop my shivering. I don’t handle this kind of anticipation very well. “I’ll coach you over drinks. By the time you get to Peter you’ll only have to recite your lines. Okay?”

I give a somber nod. “Nelly, why can’t I just marry you?”

“Darlin’, we both know who you should marry, and that door is probably still open.”

He’s talking about Adrian. We were engaged until I ruined it.

“That ship has sailed, Nelly.” I can’t say Adrian’s name out loud because I’ll start crying, I know I will. “It’s been two years.”