Until I Love Again (20 page)

“
Goot
evening.” Ernest appeared in front of her, his bearded face grim. “Can I sit down?”

Susanna didn't move and Ernest sat down anyway. He took in her Sunday dress with a quick glance. “I see your
mamm
told you of my coming.”

Susanna didn't respond.

Ernest cleared his throat and began. “Your
daett
has assured me of your continued obedience and willing heart. That encourages me, but that's not why I have come tonight.” He cast a sideways glance at Susanna and went on. “I think it's time you and I had a more detailed talk about what lies ahead of us.”

Susanna just nodded. She didn't want to have a conversation about an engagement. She wasn't even close to ready yet, but perhaps Ernest had something else in mind.

“I would have brought the girls along,” Ernest continued, “but we really should talk, just the two of us…I hope you understand that, Susanna.”

Susanna nodded again and waited.

“I intend to love you in the same way I once loved Naomi,” Ernest went on. “I hope you understand that too.” He hesitated. “There's something I should ask, although I didn't want to move ahead too quickly…” Ernest paused again.

Susanna glanced at him, but said nothing.

“You will be my
frau
this wedding season, won't you?” Ernest's voice was tense.

Susanna took a deep breath. “Ernest, please don't push me into that. I understood your offer from the beginning, but I need more time before I commit myself.”

“But I thought this was all decided,” Ernest said.

“I know you thought that,” Susanna allowed. “So do
Mamm
and
Daett.
”

Ernest seemed to relax. “
Yah
. But we—you and I—we've never made it official that you would wed me. That…” Ernest's voice drifted off. “I'm sorry, this is most awkward and I wouldn't have brought it up, but…well, I think we should make it official and soon. For your sake too. It will end your waffling back and forth all the time. Making up one's mind does wonders sometimes. The road straightens out, so to speak.” Ernest fiddled with his hands, his gaze on the porch floor.

Susanna stared at him. She had never seen the man this nervous. “It's best, Ernest, if we do this right. Do you really want a
frau
who doesn't love you? But on the other hand, if I wish to stay in the community and have a decent reputation, I have to marry you. The only other option would be to jump the fence into the
Englisha
world.”

“Which you won't take!” Ernest's tone was sharp. “And I do understand how things are, Susanna. Of course no one wants to force you into a marriage with me, even if that would be the wisest choice. I hesitate to say this since I'm on the receiving end, but…” Ernest paused to take another tack. “Susanna, what is out there in the
Englisha
world besides grief and sorrow and heartache and broken homes? Or children who run wild in the ways of sin, and all the emptiness that comes from a life lived for one's self?” The smile was back on Ernest's face. “Surely you can see the right choice. There really is no other one to make. And many a woman in a second marriage enters into it with her confidence set in the Lord, believing that love will come in its own time.”

Susanna allowed her confusion to show. “So you think I shouldn't hesitate, or ask questions, or make sure my heart is in this?”

“I think you know the answer to that,” Ernest said. “Of course, the enemy of your soul casts doubts upon a decision like this. But you should side with the Lord and put an end to the tactics of the enemy. You should say the words, ‘
Yah
, I will marry, Ernest.'” He smiled crookedly.

Susanna looked away and didn't answer.

“So is the silence your way of saying
yah
?” Ernest asked.

“No,” she finally said. “I know you and everyone in the community wants me to decide about my life your way…but it's my life and my future. I have to do this my way.”

Ernest frowned. “It seems to me you've been doing this your way long enough. Why can't you commit yourself? That's the first step in the long journey back to an Amish life.”

“Because…” Susanna searched for words. “I just
can't
. Marriage is a lifetime decision, and it's being forced on me out of the blue. Not that long ago I was in my
rumspringa
, and suddenly I'm in a totally different world. I just can't say
yah
, Ernest. I'm sorry. You'll have to wait on me.”

Ernest nodded. “I will try, Susanna. The Lord knows you are worth the wait. But can you give me some comfort that in the end you will decide to wed me? That my time is not wasted? But here I go, doing the same thing your
daett
did. He has been easy on you, and look where that has led you. No
goot
fruit comes out of tolerating wrong. It would be best if you'd agree at once to marry me, and we can work out the details after that. The longer we wait, the more difficult this will become. That's what I fear.”

Susanna pressed her lips together. She should say
yah
, but she just couldn't. The wild
Englisha
blood of her
mamm
must be the cause of this rebellion, but that couldn't be helped either.

“Please, Susanna,” Ernest begged. “These are not difficult words to say. You know that in the end you must—and
will
—say
yah
when
Bishop Enos asks if you will take me as your husband on our wedding day.”

“Please do not push me.” Susanna bit off the words. “I need more time, and nothing will change that.”

Ernest's smile changed to a glare. “I see why no one else will take you as his
frau
. You have rebellious
Englisha
blood in you. There is no question about that, but a
goot
husband can handle such rebellion. I have the promise of the Lord on my side. The faith of the others may falter, but I have my hope fixed on the rock that does not move, Susanna—the Word of the Lord.” Ernest paused to gaze across the open fields, apparently lost in his own thoughts for a moment. “Marriage is honorable in all,” he finally continued. “And if I may add my own words to the Scriptures, this is true even when the woman has an
Englisha
mother. The Lord will be with us.”

“
Yah
, He will,” Susanna agreed. “We just don't know
how
He will be with us. We don't know if it will be in marriage.”

Ernest's face was set. “Let me set one thing straight, Susanna. You will no longer go to the Sunday meetings, or anywhere else in the community, with that long, sorrowful look on your face. You will be my
frau
someday, and my cheerful
frau
when we've said the vows. It's time for your attitude to change. I'm offering you decency, a
goot
life in the community, and respect from everyone. On top of that I bring two
kinner
to the union that you can love and adore. What more could you want? So smile in public and show your gratitude for the blessings the Lord has showered upon you. Things could have gone much differently if I had not been around to offer you a chance at marriage.”

Susanna didn't move on the swing. He spoke the truth. She had much she could be thankful for. It was time she gave the man some respect, so she attempted a smile in his direction and added, “You will make a
goot
husband for your next
frau
, I am sure.”

Ernest didn't seem to notice the implication of her words as he glowed from ear to ear. “I must be going now,” he said, getting to his feet. “This has been a profitable evening, all things considered. We need to have more of these talks as our wedding day approaches.”

“As you wish.” Susanna said, keeping her head down.

Ernest still seemed pleased. “
Goot
night then. I'll see you later.”

“
Goot
night,” she whispered, listening as his footsteps went down the porch steps and out toward the barn. Moments later the beat of his horse's hooves crunched on the gravel in the driveway. Susanna forced her breathing to even out, and whispered a quick prayer toward the heavens. “Thank You, dear Lord, that I didn't say impossible words tonight that I must take back later. Thank You for helping me as I try to do Your will.”

Chapter Twenty

T
he following Sunday service ended exactly at twelve o'clock, and the tables were set up for the noon meal. Susanna helped with the first rush of service. Once things had calmed down, she stood along the living room wall with several other girls to catch her breath.

“How are you doing this morning?” Katherine Helmuth asked Susanna.

Two of the other girls turned their heads to listen.

Must Katherine be this obvious?
Susanna pasted on a smile. “Okay, I guess,” she chirped. “Maybe we'll get to eat at the next table and replenish our strength.”

They all laughed, and thankfully Katherine leaned back against the wall and asked no more questions.

Ernest's gaze was fixed on her from across the room. She was sure of this. Ernest had followed her every movement all day. Her nerves were worn thin by this whole mess. She tried her best and had assumed a cheerful attitude all day. She had even offered Bishop Enos a smile before the morning baptismal class began upstairs. Bishop Enos, for his part, had appeared pleased with her efforts, as had Ernest when she caught his first glance during the sermons.

Surely Ernest could leave her alone for a few moments. The stress was wearing on her. But what else could be done? She had to submit to the man. Somehow her
Englisha mamm
's wildness must be overcome. Clearly Ernest was the answer, but what bitter medicine the Lord had chosen for her.

A touch on Susanna's arm caused her to jump. “Skittish, are we?” Emma whispered in her ear as the other girls moved back toward the kitchen. “You've been acting strange all morning. Is something wrong?”

“I'm fine,” Susanna whispered back. What was Emma up to? Why was she so curious?

“Ernest has been looking at you all day as usual.” Emma smiled wryly. “I'd say he's quite smitten.”

Susanna tried to chuckle, but the sound came out like fingernails on a chalkboard.

“And you were smiling at Bishop Enos this morning,” Emma added. “That was unusual.”

“I'm trying…to show I'm happy,” Susanna tried again, but from the look on Emma's face, she had only made things worse.

“Can I come home with you this afternoon?” Emma asked. “I think you need cheering up.”

“Of course,” Susanna agreed at once. “There's nothing going on until the hymn singing.”

“Then it's settled,” Emma said. “Can I ride along with you and Henry?”

“I don't think Henry would object.” Susanna opened her eyes wide. “Is this what I think it is?”

Emma smiled. “I think Henry is quite capable of his own advances, if he's interested—which he isn't.”

“But you…” Susanna persisted.

Emma shook her head. “No, I just want to talk with you. I've
had you on my heart all week. Well, since early this week to be exact.”

“Then let's see if we can get on the next table,” Susanna suggested.

Emma stuck close to her as they waited in the kitchen, beyond Ernest's gaze. Ten minutes later they helped clear the first round of tables.

There were plenty of places at the end of the living room table, and both girls took seats alongside Katherine and several others. Bishop Enos led out in a prayer of thanks, and the younger girls served the table. Susanna tried to join the light chatter, and she sent plenty of smiles all around since Ernest had a clear view of her from where he stood against the wall with several of the men.

The meal ended with another prayer of thanks from Bishop Enos, and Susanna motioned with her head. “There go Henry and James leaving for the barn now. We'd best go tell them so James can ride home with
Mamm
and
Daett.
”