Until I Love Again (15 page)

Susanna started to speak but then stopped. A protest was useless, but she could speak up for her real
mamm
. “Why are you so hard on Mindy?
Daett
speaks nothing but
goot
about her.”

Mamm
's eyes blazed. “Your
daett
would be wiser if he forgot that girl instead of dawdling around in his mind about how things might have turned out. He knows this was all for the best. We cannot coddle the world in our hearts, Susanna.
Daett
thinks he understands that, but he doesn't. I have come to regret the sympathy I gave Ralph for his past, and I say the same thing to you. Now is not the time to wallow in maybes, but to make the right choices for the future. You must go through with your baptismal classes and marry Ernest by this fall. That decision starts today with his little girls. Be a
mamm
to them. Hold them. Cherish them. Give them the motherly love Ernest can't give them.”

Susanna looked away. “I could try, I guess.”

“
Goot
! You would do well to listen to me, Susanna. You may not be my daughter in the flesh, but I raised you as my own.”

Susanna couldn't keep the catch out of her voice. “Do you wish you hadn't married
Daett
?”

Mamm
didn't flinch. “No, I would do it all over again for the love I feel toward your
daett
. And I have come to love you too, Susanna. Don't doubt me on that. It's just that love isn't enough. We must also live right. This is not the time for fuzzy feelings. It's a time for careful walking in fear of the Lord, because the eyes of the community are on us.”

“I know, and I wish they weren't,” Susanna muttered.

Mamm
ignored her, and moved the oatmeal bowl to the kitchen table. Susanna found the sugar canister in the cupboard and filled the jar to the brim. The clatter of the men in the washroom filled the house moments later, and
Mamm
added another piece of firewood to help her finish frying the last of the bacon. Susanna pressed out a small crease in the tablecloth and took over at the stove while
Mamm
went to call Noah and Tobias.

Her brothers came in one by one and took their places at the table. Henry regarded Susanna with a long look, but he said nothing. It was Noah who offered the first smile of the morning. Susanna stepped away from the stove to give him a tight hug, and Noah grunted in protest.

When they were all seated, they bowed their heads in prayer and then ate in silence. The clock on the kitchen wall ticked loudly.
This can't continue,
Susanna told herself. They had once been a happy family around the breakfast table. Now there was only a glum stillness.
As if in protest, three-year-old Tobias threw his spoon toward the floor, where it landed with a bang against the side of the stove.

“Don't do that,”
Mamm
chided. She returned the spoon, and pressed the boy's hand on the handle for a few seconds. “Behave yourself now, Tobias.”

Finally Henry spoke up with a quick glance in Susanna's direction. “When is Susanna getting baptized?”

“Hush,”
Daett
chided. “We will not speak of the matter at the breakfast table.”

“Ernest's children are coming this morning,”
Mamm
announced with forced cheerfulness. “Susanna is taking care of them for the day.”

“They are cute girls,” James muttered. “At least there's that to be thankful for. But when is the wedding? That's what I want to know.”

“All children are cute,”
Mamm
said, ignoring the question.

Henry guffawed. “Cousin Elisabeth's aren't. I don't care what anyone says.”

Daett
gave his eldest son a warning look. “Be careful what you say, Henry. Those things have a way of coming around later and biting you.”

James chuckled. “Hear that, Henry? You and Charlotte Yoder—”

James ducked as Henry swatted at him. “Stop it. Charlotte couldn't have anything but cute children.”

Noah perked up and waved his spoon about. “What I want to know is when will Charlotte marry Henry?”

Henry turned red as a beet and said nothing. James laughed and answered for him. “We don't know yet, and neither does Henry. He hasn't dared ask the girl home, but you'd better think about something else, Noah. You're too little for such thoughts.”

“No I'm not,” Noah protested. “I'm going to marry Beth when
I grow up. I gave her my pencil to use at school yesterday, and she kept it all day.”

There was a ripple of laughter around the table, and Susanna joined in. Maybe the tide had begun to turn.

“She sounds like a
goot frau
to me,” James told Noah with a straight face. “You keep that little girl in your sights. Don't let her get away from you.”

Noah nodded solemnly. “I won't!”

Chuckles were followed by silence again when
Daett
bowed his head for a silent prayer of thanks. They all kept their heads down until
Daett
said “amen.” No one moved afterward until
Mamm
had brought the family Bible in from the living room and
Daett
opened the pages.

In a solemn voice,
Daett
read, “ ‘O Lord, our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth! Who hast set thy…' ”

Susanna tried to listen, but her mind drifted away. In an hour or so Ernest would be here with his two girls. Would he want to speak to her?
Yah
, they would have to talk with each other. She would have to force words out of her mouth and place a smile on her face. She had to—if she wanted to stay in the community. And she did. She wanted to make the same
goot
choices
Daett
had. She wanted to leave behind the
Englisha
world she had tasted briefly and grown to love. But then there was Joey. And the piano. And her job at DeKalb Building Supply.

Susanna shut down her thoughts and listened to the last words
Daett
was reading. “O Lord, our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth!”
Daett
closed the Bible. “Let us pray,” he said. There was a shuffle of feet as they knelt, and
Daett
's voice rose and fell with the morning's prayer.

Please be with me and help me, Lord,
Susanna prayed silently. She
squeezed her eyes tightly shut.
I don't know myself anymore. I'm lost in my sorrow. Can You help me?

There was no answer, but she didn't expect one. Some comfort was all she could hope for, and a sense of peace did seem to drift over her heart.

“Amen,”
Daett
said seconds later, and they all stood to their feet. Her older brothers made a beeline for the washroom.
Daett
paused to smile at
Mamm
before he followed his sons.

Once the washroom door had closed again,
Mamm
said, “Noah, you get ready for school now.” Noah shuffled toward the stairway.

“Tobias, you go up with Noah. I'll be up in a minute,”
Mamm
said. “Susanna, you clean the kitchen while I tend to Tobias. And be sure and change your dress before Ernest comes. You're talking with him if I have to drag the two of you together by your ears.”

Chapter Fifteen

A
n hour later, with the drapes on her bedroom window drawn, Susanna slipped into a clean everyday dress and placed each pin with care. Then, on second thought, she considered that
Mamm
would probably prefer she wear a Sunday meeting dress.

But surely not her best dress. Ernest would get the wrong impression if she showed up in such attire. He'd think he'd won her heart already, when the truth was completely otherwise. The truth was, Ernest had a lot of work ahead of him if he wished to win her love before the wedding. Was he up to it? Or did he even care? Did she hope he cared? Did she want this to happen? The questions raced through her mind, but Susanna pushed them away.

She must try and make the relationship with Ernest work. She didn't want to jump the fence into the
Englisha
world, and she didn't want to leave
Daett
. He had chosen the life of the community. Could
Daett
be wrong to have made the choice he did? She had only to envision his kind eyes and feel his tender touch on her hand to know the answer to that. If she chose to jump the fence, the sorrow that would descend upon
Daett
would tear at her heart.
Daett
was right, and she would follow his footsteps. Only that road led to
success. Look what had happened to her real
mamm
, Mindy
,
when she refused to follow
Daett
into the life of the community.
Daett
had offered to marry Mindy. What guarantee did Susanna have that a greater disaster did not lie ahead for her if she rejected Ernest's offer? A life lived in sorrow and regret could be worse than death.

Susanna pushed the last pin into her dress. With that done, she turned to open the drapes wide. The bright sunlight burned her eyes as she peered out and saw Ernest's buggy parked beside the barn.
Mamm
fluttered about near the door of the buggy, where both of Ernest's small girls sat up on the seat. How had Ernest driven in without a sound? She must have been deep in her own thoughts not to hear. She stepped away from the window and made her way slowly downstairs. At the bottom of the steps, Susanna forced her feet onward—past the front door, off the porch, and into the yard.

Ernest looked up with a grin on his face as she approached.
Mamm
stopped her fluttering about and froze in place.

Susanna greeted Ernest with a smile. “
Goot
morning.”

“
Goot
morning.” His grin grew wider. “You're awful perky this morning.”

“We're so glad for this chance, Ernest,”
Mamm
gushed before Susanna could speak. “I'll take the girls into the house, and you can speak with Susanna for a few moments. I'm sure you have some catching up to do. But I just want to say again how much we appreciate you coming by this morning and giving us a chance to watch your girls for the day.”

Mamm
reached into the buggy and lifted Lizzie down to the ground with a twirl. “Hey, big girl. Now you're on the ground.”

Lizzie giggled. “That was fun. Do Martha now!”

“Coming right up,”
Mamm
said, glowing with happiness.
Mamm
glanced toward Ernest before she reached back into the buggy and brought Martha down with a flourish.

Martha smiled but didn't say anything.

“They'll be just fine here, I see.” Ernest's grin was still in place. He gave both girls a quick hug. “Be
goot
for Linda now, and give Susanna a chance to get to know you.”

Susanna forced herself to smile. “I'm sure they will.”

That Ernest was taken with her was plain to see. She should be thankful for his attentions. He was her only hope if she wished to stay in the community with a
goot
reputation. She glanced at his bearded face and tried to smile again.

“You two chat now,”
Mamm
said.

“
Mamm
,” Susanna protested. “I…”

Mamm
ignored her and waved over her shoulder as she led the girls toward the house. Lizzie also waved as if she were going on a road trip and wouldn't see either of them for a long time.

“My daughters are the apple of my eye,” Ernest muttered. “So like their
mamm
it breaks my heart sometimes.”

Susanna dropped her gaze to the ground. She should say something in sympathy, but the words stuck in her throat.

Ernest grasped his horse's bridle as if he needed a lifeline. “I…I just want to say you're doing the right thing, Susanna, in caring for my girls today. I know your
Mamm
agreed to this, not you, but the gesture must also be in your own heart or you would have objected.”