Unspeakable (40 page)

Saturday, Jaden and I went to a movie and The Dive for dinner afterward. As soon as I walked in, I knew he was there. I hadn’t seen him. It was as if my mind and body were still connected to him. They sensed him. I had Brody radar.

Jaden walked to the back of the restaurant where he always sat. I followed behind him, keeping my gaze locked firmly on the floor. I knew the second I passed the table where Brody sat. I could smell his subtle scent. And then I smelled something else. Something flowery and feminine… and I knew he wasn’t alone. Tears pressed behind my eyes, and I tried to swallow down the lump that’d lodged itself in my throat. One lone tear escaped, and trailing down my cheek and dripping from my chin before I could catch it.

Are they freakin’ everywhere
?

When Jaden and I sat at our table, I made sure to sit with my back to the rest of the room. I didn’t want to look up and see Brody with her. It was bad enough knowing they were there. I didn’t need to watch them too.

Jaden and I ate our burgers—with freakin’ mayo. We barely said two words to each other. I didn’t know why he insisted on staying together. It was obvious we didn’t love each other. We barely tolerated one another. But he wouldn’t let go.

When he finished his meal, he wandered from table to table, talking and joking with his buddies. As usual for a Saturday night, The Dive was packed wall to wall with people from school. I sat in the booth, waiting for him to get tired and decide to take me home. I played with my leftover French fries, running them through the puddle of ketchup and using it to make designs across my plate.

We’d been there an hour when I got up to use the restroom. I walked by Jaden and his hand snaked out and grabbed my wrist, yanking me back to him. I let out a small yelp when he jarred my shoulder.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to use the bathroom. Is that okay with you or would you rather I pee myself in the middle of the restaurant?”

He dropped my wrist and turned his back to me. I let out a breath through my teeth, biting my lower lip to keep from saying something stupid.

I walked into the restroom and froze. My mind screamed at me to turn around and leave, but my feet wouldn’t work. It was as if they were made of lead. I couldn’t lift them. She saw me in the mirror.

“Hi, Willow.” She gave me a small smile.

“Kara.”

“This is kind of awkward,” she said with a nervous laugh.

I just smiled.

Why should it be awkward? Just because you’re dating the one person I love more than anything? Nah, not awkward at all. Twit.

“Well, I better get back…” She let her words trail off and gestured toward the door.

I moved away from the door. “Yeah, your date is probably waiting for you,” I said with an edge.

“I’ll see you around,” she said before she hurried out of the room.

I hope not
.

It was two weeks later when I came face to face with Brody in independent study. It was the first time we’d come in close contact since the morning outside English class. We just stared at each other. Neither of us seemed to know what to say or do.

“Hey,” Brody finally said.

“Hi, Ace.”

There was another long, awkward pause.

“Well, I need to get back to work.” He gestured to his things strewn across a table.

“Sure.”

He started to walk away, and I panicked. I just wanted another few seconds with him. I needed it, even if it was filled with so much tension it was suffocating.

“Brody?”

He stopped with his back to me.

“I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy,” I whispered behind him. I wanted to touch him so badly. Reaching out, I let the tips of my fingers graze his shoulder. He tensed, but he didn’t pull away. I fisted my hand, and it dropped to my side.

I sighed. “Um, there’s something I need to tell you.” I paused, hoping he’d react, show some interest. Anything. He didn’t. He kept his back to me.

I licked my lips and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. “I don’t know if you remember, but not long after we met, you told me reputations aren’t always deserved. Well, I need you to know that sometimes things aren’t always what they seem. Um… some… something can look like something else. Sometimes people do or say things they have to, to protect the person they love most in the world. They become great chameleons. It’s the only way they can survive. It’s how they protect themselves and the one person they love more than themselves. The one person they’d never hurt—if we lived in a perfect world.”

I gave a bitter laugh and ran my tongue over my lips. “I’m babbling. I just, well, I hope one day you’ll understand what’s happened and why I did what I did.” I swallowed back my tears. Giving up, I touched his arm. He didn’t move away, but he didn’t acknowledge it either. “When we were together, I meant every word I ever said to you, Brody. Every word. And when I broke it off, I didn’t mean any of them. Not a damn one.”

I waited for him to acknowledge me. Other than seeing his jaw working, he did nothing. Said nothing.

“I don’t love Jaden. I never have. It’s you. It was always you. I’m just sorry our relationship wasn’t strong enough for you to see through the lie and believe in what we had—or what I thought we had.”

I took in a big breath and let it out slowly before I said, “And I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and fight for us. I let them break me. Goodbye, Brody. Be happy.” I hurried away. I knew it would be the last time I’d speak to him. As soon as I reached the hall, I ran to the girls’ restroom and threw up.

January.

A new year, same bullshit. Brody and Kara were still a couple. And I still felt like someone shoved a knife in my chest every time I saw Brody with her, laughing, holding hands, kissing. It was torture.

I was still imprisoned by Jaden and his rules. And Ralph, Jaden’s watchdog. Jaden was as inattentive to me as always. If anything, it got steadily worse. He went about his day like I was a burden, an albatross he carried. I couldn’t understand what his reason was to keep me around.

Jaden’s New Year’s resolution was to stop hiding his extracurricular activities and flaunt his many hookups in front of me… and the entire student body of Cassidy High.

“If you’re not going to give it up, I’m going to find someone who will,” he’d told me when I confronted him.

I didn’t bring it up again. Five months until graduation. I could make it.

February.

“I hate Valentine’s Day. It is a day for nothing but disappointment.” ~Larisa Oleynik

The month of love and all that crap. It made me want to vomit. Whoever said time heals all wounds didn’t know what the hell they were talking about. It still felt like the breath was sucked out of my lungs every time I saw Brody.

I just wanted to talk to him one more time. Touch him. Feel him touch me. I needed to tell him I loved him. He’d never listen and I didn’t blame him.

The month of love. Yeah. Blah, blah and frickin’ blah.

March.

Three months until graduation. Things were the same. Brody was still dating Kara, and Jaden and I were… whatever we were. I didn’t even know anymore. He barely tolerated me. He hooked up with some skank whenever he got the chance. Once again, I wondered why he didn’t just let me go. I thought he got off on making my life miserable.

Chess club was coming to an end. The regional tournament was held at Cassidy High on the last Saturday of the month.

“Are you ready for this, chickie?” Tim asked.

“Yeah. It should be cake.”

“Good luck.”

“You, too,” I said.

I shook hands with my opponent and sat down in front of the board. My eyes traveled over the squares as I mentally prepared my strategy. The buzzer sounded, and the game began. The girl I played made her first move. I knew exactly what her strategy was as soon as she placed her first piece. I scanned the board, working out my next three plays. I’d have her in checkmate in five moves.

It took seven moves, but I won the game. I moved up in the rankings. Everyone from Cassidy won their game. We were in first place going into the second round.

My second game took longer to win. He was a good player, but made a stupid mistake that cost him the game. Once again, everyone from Cassidy won their game.

By the third game, I was really in my zone. I ignored the other games around me, blocking out the sound of the pieces hitting the board and the clicks of the timers. The game was over quickly. That round two of our players were eliminated. We were still in first place.

By the sixth and final game, Cassidy was still ranked number one. I won my game and walked to the table where the PTO had laid out snacks and drinks for the players. I grabbed an energy drink and turned to watch the games still being played. Movement in the bleachers caught my eye, and I looked up just in time to see Brody slip out the side door on the other side of the gym.

My heart skipped a beat, and then another. I was out the door before I had time to think. I ran down the hall and around the corner, but the hall was empty.

Maybe it was someone else. He wouldn’t come to my chess tournament. It’s not like it’s a big deal. There are barely a handful of people here to watch. It wasn’t him.