Unspeakable (39 page)

I shook my head and wiped the tears off my face. “I can do it,” I whispered. I raised my head from Tim’s shoulder. That was when I saw him. He was standing about five feet away, staring at me. His jaw set in hard lines. It was the first time I’d seen him since he left my house. Since I told him I didn’t love him. I opened my mouth to say something, shaking my head slightly. There was so much I needed to tell him, but his face was closed off, and I knew I’d ruined everything I had with Brody. I looked at him once more, pleading with my eyes for him to give me some sign that he understood. When he just stared at me, his jaw clenching and unclenching, I dropped my gaze to the floor, turned, and walked into class.

I wished Tim had English with me so he could switch seats with Brody again. But, in the end, I didn’t need to worry. Brody found someone else to switch with. I didn’t know where he sat. I forced myself not to look. I just knew he wasn’t near me. It should have made things easier, but for some reason, it didn’t. It made everything worse. I didn’t understand why, and I didn’t have the energy to try to figure it out.

The rest of the day continued much the same way. Tim met me at each class and gathered my things for me, carrying them to my next class. In each, Brody had found another seat.

At lunch, I sat with Jaden and his group of friends. I didn’t eat—I lived on high-caffeine energy drinks and nothing else—and I didn’t go to Jenna and Tim’s table to say ‘
hi’
like I used to. I was afraid Brody would be there. Instead, I stared straight ahead, not speaking unless someone spoke to me. Jaden was oblivious.

When the day was finally over and Jenna dropped me off at home, I went to my room and lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t go down for dinner. I never left my room. No one noticed, or no one cared. Either way, they left me alone and that was how I preferred it.

My phone chimed around nine o’clock. I sighed and read the message.

Jenna: How’d it go?

Me: Don’t really want to talk about it.

Jenna: Ok. I’m here when you do.

Me: Thanks.

Jenna: Love you.

Me: Love you too.

I must have fallen asleep right after Jenna’s text, because when my alarm sounded the next morning, I was still lying on top of my blankets, wearing the clothes I wore to school the day before, my cell phone gripped in my hand.

I pulled myself out of bed and got ready for school.

The day was a repeat of the day before. And the next day and the day after that and the day after that, they all blended together. I went through the motions without paying attention. The only thing that changed was that I cried less. People who learned to close off their emotions were good at that, and I was becoming an expert.

I just tried to survive. I only had to make it to graduation. Just a few more months and it’d be over.

Breathe. I can do it. It can’t get any worse. Just breathe.

It’d been two weeks. I was once again Jaden’s prisoner. He knew everywhere I went, who I was with, when I’d be there, and when I’d be home. He cut me off from Jenna and Tim at school and he spent most evenings at my house, making it impossible for them to visit me. I didn’t care. I couldn’t be with Brody. Nothing else mattered.

It was one of the rare nights that Jaden wasn’t over. There was a party at Jamieson’s house. I conveniently let it slip to my mother that there’d probably be drinking since Jamieson’s parents weren’t going to be home. That got me off the hook. She told Jaden I wouldn’t be going to the party with him. For once, she stood up for me.

I called Jenna and asked if she could come over. She was there in five minutes. She had me in a huge hug in six. I was crying in seven.

“You look terrible,” she whispered against my hair.

“Thanks. You look like a supermodel, too.” I sniffed and wiped the tears from my cheeks.

“You’ve lost so much weight. Your clothes just hang off you like you’re a hobo or something.”

“Gee, thanks for the pep talk,” I said with a small smile.

“Do you eat? Or do you live on these?” She picked up an empty energy drink can.

I shrugged. “This has been the best diet ever.”

We talked for an hour. She filled me in on everything going around the gossip hotline at school. Who was hooking up, who was breaking up, who was pregnant, who’d come out of the closet. She didn’t tell me anything that’d been said about Brody and me. In fact, she didn’t bring Brody up at all.

We ordered a pizza, and she force-fed me. I choked down a piece and a half before I started gagging.

“I don’t want anymore.” I pushed my plate away. “Wanna watch a movie with me?”

“Sure.”

We put a comedy in the DVD player and settled on the bed. I lay my head on her lap. She combed her fingers through my hair. The movie was half over when my phone chimed. I forced myself up and grabbed it.

Jaden: What are you doing?

Me: Watching a movie with Jenna.

Jaden: Where?

Me: Home.

Jaden: Fine.

I tossed the phone across the room and buried my head in my pillows.

“He’s worse than ever, huh?” Jenna murmured.

“Yeah.”

“Hey, let’s find a really snotty shirt for you to wear tomorrow. One that he won’t understand. That shouldn’t be too hard, huh?” She climbed of the bed, opened my closet door, and froze. “Oh, Willow.”

I started crying. Again. Always crying. I was getting on my own freakin’ nerves.

“You better not let Jaden see these,” she whispered. She looked at each of the photos of Brody and me that covered the inside of my closet door. “You look so happy.” Tears filled her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Willow.”

I shrugged. “It is what it is.”

“Look, I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but I think it’s probably better to hear it from me than get blindsided.” Jenna picked at the nail polish on her thumb. “Um, Kara asked Brody to the girl’s choice dance Friday and he said yes.”

I sucked in a breath. Pain ricocheted through me. It was like Jenna had hit me. My head started to pound, and the room spun around me. I bent forward and leaned my head on my knees. I didn’t even try to hold back my tears. A half sob/half scream tore through me, leaving an open wound behind.

Jenna rushed over and knelt next to me. She wrapped her arms around me and rocked me back and forth like a mother would a small child. “I’m so, so sorry,” she repeated over and over.

“I knew it would happen,” I said through my sobs, “but it hurts so bad. It hurts so damn bad.”

Friday. The girl’s choice dance was that night. I was in constant pain, physical and emotional, from the knowledge that Brody was going with Kara. Was what we had that easy to forget? It was that easy to walk out of my life and into hers?

I decided it didn’t matter. It was better that he move on with his life. Better for him, better for me. It didn’t make it hurt any less, however.

I took Jenna’s advice and decided to find a suitable T-shirt to wear to school. It needed to be long sleeved to hide my fresh bruises. I moved shirts across my closet rod, looking for the perfect one. When I found it, it was short sleeved. I’d have to wear a hoodie to cover my arms. I reached for a hoodie that would match, but my hand stopped just before touching it.

“Screw that. I’m not hiding anymore.” I yanked the short-sleeved T-shirt off the hanger and pulled it on. Let everyone see the bruising—I didn’t care anymore.

The saying on my T-shirt was perfect, although I’d probably get sent home for wearing something that had a curse word on it. It said,
Excuse me, which level of Hell is this?
I decided it was worth it. I looked in the mirror and paused, my hand skimming down the fabric. It was red.

Did I pick it because it’s Brody’s favorite color? Or is just coincidence?

I wore black sweatpants and my red Converse high tops—I figured it’d be one day Jenna would give me a free pass and not lecture me on my wardrobe choices. I pulled my hair into a messy bun and put a little makeup on to hide the circles under my eyes.

I looked in the mirror one last time. Jenna was right. I had lost weight. My clothes looked a size too big for me.

Best. Diet. Ever
.

I sat in the foyer, looking out the window, waiting for Jenna to pick me up. As soon as she pulled in the driveway, I hurried to her car.

“Let’s get this day over with,” I muttered.

We pulled into the student parking lot. Jenna parked and was out of her car before I could say anything. I just sat and stared.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, opening my door. She followed my gaze. “Oh, shit, Willow. I didn’t see them.”

I shrugged a shoulder and climbed out of the car, still watching Brody and Kara walk across the parking lot. He’d given her a ride to school. I’d seen him open the door for her to get out of his Jeep, like he’d done for me so many times.

When I walked into school, I felt every eye on me. People parted in the hall as I walked through. I don’t know if they pitied me or just wanted to see my reaction. I kept my head high and just tried to make it to my locker.

“Oh, no.”

“What?” I looked at Jenna. She nodded her head toward our lockers. Jaden stood with his shoulder leaning against mine.

“Hey, Wills,” he said.

“Don’t call me that.”

Jenna helped my get my coat off and sucked in a breath when she saw my arms. She didn’t say anything as she grabbed my books from the locker, hefting my bag over her shoulder. I thought again how Jaden should be doing that. He was supposed to be my boyfriend. Wasn’t that what boyfriends did?

“Still got the sling, huh?” he asked.

“I’m wearing it, aren’t I?” I snapped.

“Watch the attitude. Nice shirt. See ya at lunch.” He sauntered off.

“I told you he wouldn’t get it.” Jenna pointed at my shirt.

“He doesn’t pay enough attention to get it.”

Jenna laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Yeah, he’s a real douche.”

Nodding, I followed her into my biology class. I forced myself not to look for Brody. I just walked to my seat and sat down, laying my head on my books. At least I didn’t share any classes with Kara. I wouldn’t have to see the two lovebirds together.

Wrong.

Everywhere I went Friday, I saw Brody. And each time, Kara was with him. And to really make things horrible, like they weren’t already, they were holding hands.

My body shook when I saw him with her. It was a cross between blinding anger and searing pain. My stomach roiled, and I was sure I would have puked if there had been anything in it, but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten.

I snuck one of my mom’s prescription sleeping pills that night. I took it right after dinner and went to bed. It saved me from a night of sitting in my room, wondering what Brody and Kara were doing at the dance. If he pulled her close during the slow songs. Did he kiss her? My mind whirled with thoughts of them until I thought I’d go crazy. After I took the pill, sleep sucked me in and took away all thoughts of Brody, Kara, and the girl’s choice dance.